Husband doesn't get it

orangehills · May 2014

So I am having issues with my husband. At first he was really supportive and great, now he's turning into a baby. He whines that he has to come home and make dinner because I haven't, since dinner time is the time of day I don't feel well and am not hungry. Then he complains I haven't gotten to the store to get him stuff and how he just wants to come home and relax and not do anything, always putting his laziness on me. He's supposed to be applying to jobs and he says he doesn't have the energy since I haven't bought coke to get caffeine into him. You have got to be kidding me. I could go on. Advice? Therapy? Just hope this is a weird reaction to finding out our life is going to change? Plus he is giving me a hard time about my diet and health instead of learning about pregnancy and understanding I can't handle some stuff and am just trying to get through. Anyone else husband being weird? ( at least he starting cleaning the cat box...)

richardson0911 · May 2014

calindi said:

Therapy. If he won't go, go on your own. Sorry he's being a jerk face.

This.

I kind of understand what you're going through to some extent. My H has been a real d*k about the fact that I just can't handle some things, that I'm so tired, or that I can't do as much as I used to for him/around the house. He keeps getting pissy and just saying "It's not my fault you're hormonal" and I keep saying "Actually, IT IS" We do go to therapy, and have for a few years now, and I must say it does help, even if (like in our case) its just so that each side gets a chance to be heard. If you decide to go on your own, it helps to bounce your unfiltered feelings off someone else who will listen to you and have some advice to give.
Good luck. I'm sorry this situation sucks for your right now. (HUGS)

sy5temfire · May 2014

You are not alone. Dealing with the same issues. My MS is really bad and I can't do the AM dog walk. He has been giving me so much hell lately for it. Like come on, wake up 20 mins earlier and do it. I do not want to be puking on a neighbor's yard with a dog on a leash. He's still playing in all his adult league hockey games at night. I am so behind on chores but I just try to crank them all out on the weekend when I don't have work. He is very anti chores after being tortured by his nagging mom as a kid. I can't change that. He just had to go with my speed now. I've thought about therapy as well. Ho hum. I honest think guys don't get it until they see the U/S and us getting bigger. He just can't visualize it yet.

Lanatir · May 2014

Like @Fightersince83, DH didn't get it the first time around. I had a meltdown because he told me I could just drink milk instead of having an ice cream cone. This time around, he's being so much better. Right now, ice cream and mashed potatoes seem to be about all I can stomach lately, and he's brought home both within the past few days. The ice cream I didn't even ask for, he just stopped and got it.

Be prepared to have to smack him upside the head a few times, then, too, after the baby arrives if he already doesn't understand you being tired and sick. He probably won't get it then, either.

Beauxbaton · May 2014

In my experience it gets worse after the kid is born. Then you make them take care of the baby the whole day and give them a list of tasks to complete and it gets a little better.

In the mean time try talking to him some more.

longcat07 · May 2014

i'm sorry your DH (damn husband?) is being prickish. therapy sounds like a good option, if you can swing it, or maybe a heart-to-heart to start out with?

when i was pregnant with DS, LH was mostly just bewildered by my hormonal mood-swings...it wasn't a big deal for him to pick up some of the household slack since we were both working and shared chores anyway and he didn't mind if we got fell behind a bit. right now SO isn't particularly helpful but he's not getting on my case for falling behind while feeling exhausted all the time (and the barfiness--i invented that word--is ramping up too).

Stargirlb · May 2014

Yikes! Sorry you are dealing with that. He's an adult and needs to take care of himself, AND help care for you during this time.

Has he always been this way? If yes, the outlook is grim. This is why I have an Ex-Dh. My current one is fantastic, pulls his own weight and then some.

If this is new behaviour, then I would agree that doing some kind of therapy would be good, or at the very least he needs to start reading some books on how to be a supportive partner during a pregnancy.

NatureLovers · May 2014

This post makes me appreciate my hubby even more. Not to be a bitch, but do you think maybe your husband acts that way because you allow it?

MH knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he ever acted that way, our marriage would be in jeopardy, pronto. My bullshit meter is set at nearly zero, and I give no leeway for this "needing to adjust" idea. We both have to adjust to the idea of becoming parents, but that does not include a free pass to be a cruel, insensitive, selfish jerk.

orangehills · May 2014

Ha no I don't allow it, if anything I can be pretty mean, which probably doesn't help the situation. Therapy for me would probably be a good place to start just to learn to communicate better since we both suck at it and that's our biggest problem. I will have to give it a day to calm ourselves and have a heart to heart with him to start. From what I'm reading though, it does seem like a lot of people go through something similar so it's not just him.

Saracp78 · May 2014

So sorry.... My husband doesn't get it either. I have been sick for days now. He doesn't seem to care that my house is falling apart but he doesn't seem very sympathetic to what I am going through. Earlier today I was really irritated at him. But only because I am jealous his life hasn't changed and I am miserable. MS, sore breasts and moody!! things could be better, especially if I can keep my dinner down. He is out with the boys watching the game and drinking beer. They just don't get it... You should try to talk to him.

jovencita1224 · May 2014

My husband was like this my first two pregnancies. Therapy helps.

jennkg3 · May 2014

NatureLovers said:

This post makes me appreciate my hubby even more. Not to be a bitch, but do you think maybe your husband acts that way because you allow it? MH knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he ever acted that way, our marriage would be in jeopardy, pronto. My bullshit meter is set at nearly zero, and I give no leeway for this "needing to adjust" idea. We both have to adjust to the idea of becoming parents, but that does not include a free pass to be a cruel, insensitive, selfish jerk.

I'm sorry we don't control other people's behavior. He's being a jerk because he's being a jerk it is certainly not op's fault. I can't stand when people are held responsible for another adult's behavior. Marriage is a partnership not a wife keeps husband in line deal.That being said do make sure you are standing up for yourself and therapy for yourself if he won't go is a good idea. Hang in there, take care of yourself!

rmpar29 · May 2014

I agree with the above, sit him down and talk to him. Maybe relate it to the last time he was sick with the flu and did he feel like cooking dinner and cleaning when he was sick? If the "talk" doesn't go well, therapy may help. I know that my DH doesn't always want to see my point of view, but an outside person can usually help him to see my side of things.

Good luck, and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that with a talk, and/or some therapy you two can get on the same page!

jennkg3 · May 2014

@calindi‌ I'm totally with you! I thought I was the only one who was like whoa that doesn't sound right. H and I aren't perfect we have hard times we struggle but one thing I have learned is threatening divorce or kicking him out hurts our relationship and produces the exact opposite impact of our ultimate goal to be a team.

atrinh11 · May 2014

I agree therapy might be a good route for you.

Does your husband have friends that are dads and have been through this whole pregnancy thing before? I know my husband has a small group of friends that he can "bitch" to about his crazy pregnant wife. Then when he is home with me, he is a perfect gentleman. He definitely picks up the slack for me and I appreciate it. No guy will ever truly understand what we are going through, but if they can hear about it from someone else who has been in their shoes, it could help.

orangehills · May 2014

Thanks everyone!!! At least I know I'm not alone- seems like a lot of guys have a hard time adjusting. If the heart to heart doesn't work, I'll definitely go the therapy route. Good luck to all of us ladies!

NatureLovers · May 2014

To clarify what I meant, I don't understand the whole "he doesn't get that I need help". If I'm laying down, nauseated or throwing up, and is totally exhausted, how does he not get that I need help? Plus, even though he works and I don't, my hubby still does his equal share of chores. If I'm clearly sick, then he picks up the slack, no questions asked, because it is quite obvious that I can't do it. I guess that's what I don't understand when you say your husband doesn't realize. Does he not have eyes? I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just truly don't understand how that is a valid excuse to him, or you.

As for the "our marriage would be in jeopardy" comment, I do not go around throwing out the D word. However, my husband realizes that acting like a selfish, inconsiderate jerk would absolutely not be tolerated by me for one second. If he did act that way, there would be a shit storm brewing. That is what I meant by "tolerating" his behavior. Before we got married, we had very clear talks about what our expectations for marriage were, and what sort of behaviors were deal breakers. Aside from the obvious abuse, cheating, etc, I made it very clear to him that I expect him to be an equal partner in every way. He is to do his share of cooking, cleaning, laundry (in fact he does his own and I do my own), and especially his share of childcare duties. I spelled out specifically that I expect him to get up at night with the baby, change the diaper and bring him to me for nursing, and then he can put the baby back to bed. Since he can't nurse, he can still help out with everything else. There's no reason why I should be the only one losing sleep. If he doesn't do those things, then I do not see the point in being married, because marriage is a partnership, and it is very conditional in nature. I do not believe in unconditional romantic love. If I am going to do it alone, then I will do it alone without the aggravation of being a married single mother. Aside from the fact that he's just an all around good guy, if my hubby even thought about slacking off and dumping the majority of the responsibility onto me, he knows very well what consequences will await that behavior, so therefore it just doesn't happen.That's what I mean by "tolerate". If he knows the consequences of being inconsiderate or lazy are dire, then he would probably think twice about acting that way. If the consequences are nothing more than you being annoyed or having patient talks with him about "being understanding", then how is that a deterrent? It isn't. And because our expectations of each other are very clearly defined, we are each able to meet the other's expectations and are quite happy together.

I have been married and divorced before (many years ago), and while it was a terrible experience, I realized that divorce does not equal death, and it is not the worst thing that could ever happen. Being married to the wrong person is the worst that can happen. My ex was not an equal partner in any way despite the fact that we BOTH worked, and the level of resentment that I had towards him over it would have destroyed our marriage on its own, even if other factors had not been involved. So that experience taught me the importance of having a husband that was on board with equality and division of labor, and that those things mean a lot to me for my own personal happiness. The lack of equality eroded the feeling of love I had for my ex, and created huge resentment, and hurt me very much, as I see doing your fair share of chores as an overt act of love. So I spelled out to my current hubby the utter betrayal that I felt over that situation, and that if he ever acted that way, it would kill my love for him too, so if he wants our marriage to be happy and survive, then he needs to be vigilant about making sure that he is an equal partner in every respect. It took me a long time to consider getting married again as I felt so used by my ex, and my current hubby knows that marrying him was a huge leap of faith and trust on my part, and that if he ever acts like my ex in being inconsiderate and not doing his share, it would break my heart and my trust.

I am probably not being as lucid as I could be, and I'm sure many will misunderstand what I'm saying, but making our expectations for each clear avoids misunderstandings and negative behavior that would ultimately erode our relationship.

LauraElizabeth85 · May 2014

Here's what I suggest

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qtR_-MINR1o&feature=kp

Saracp78 · May 2014

I emailed this article to my husband last night. Before I left for work today he gave me a huge hug and told me it will get better, and that he read the article.

https://www.examiner.com/article/surviving-the-first-trimester

drpayne · May 2014

orangehills said:

So I am having issues with my husband. At first he was really supportive and great, now he's turning into a baby. He whines that he has to come home and make dinner because I haven't, since dinner time is the time of day I don't feel well and am not hungry. Then he complains I haven't gotten to the store to get him stuff and how he just wants to come home and relax and not do anything, always putting his laziness on me. He's supposed to be applying to jobs and he says he doesn't have the energy since I haven't bought coke to get caffeine into him. You have got to be kidding me. I could go on. Advice? Therapy? Just hope this is a weird reaction to finding out our life is going to change? Plus he is giving me a hard time about my diet and health instead of learning about pregnancy and understanding I can't handle some stuff and am just trying to get through. Anyone else husband being weird? ( at least he starting cleaning the cat box...)

Not sure where to start with this sentence...

orangehills · May 2014

drpayne said:

orangehills said:

So I am having issues with my husband. At first he was really supportive and great, now he's turning into a baby. He whines that he has to come home and make dinner because I haven't, since dinner time is the time of day I don't feel well and am not hungry. Then he complains I haven't gotten to the store to get him stuff and how he just wants to come home and relax and not do anything, always putting his laziness on me. He's supposed to be applying to jobs and he says he doesn't have the energy since I haven't bought coke to get caffeine into him. You have got to be kidding me. I could go on. Advice? Therapy? Just hope this is a weird reaction to finding out our life is going to change? Plus he is giving me a hard time about my diet and health instead of learning about pregnancy and understanding I can't handle some stuff and am just trying to get through. Anyone else husband being weird? ( at least he starting cleaning the cat box...)

Not sure where to start with this sentence...

you're telling me! at least later he did seem ashamed from his behavior. and got off his butt without his precious coke a cola. he did seem in quite a funk last night, but seriously.. oh, and he does already have a good job. he's just applying to better ones, so it's not like he's jobless. that sounded bad lol

orangehills · May 2014

no thankfully, he's been pretty good. he's still great about his share of cleaning the house, and he's on board now with the litter box. he's just a whiner about getting home from work and being tired and cooking. like, tough noodles. i work full time too. so we'll see how the next week goes, if not, may be time for some therapy to see what is going on with him and get him out of his selfish shell!

NatureLovers · May 2014

mrandmrsk91011 said:
@NatureLovers‌ I would love to see a pre-marital inventory on your and your H. Seriously, Im genuinely curious.

What is a pre-marital inventory? And why are you curious about it?

NatureLovers · May 2014

Well, we didn't do one, not that I would show it anyway. But I believe all couples should have serious discussions about their specific expectations of their partners in marriage, what their deal breakers are, and what the consequences would be in those situations come up. That way it's all out on the table and there are no misunderstandings.

Anyone that says they love their spouse unconditionally is naive and has an unrealistic idea of marriage. It is not possible that you will love your spouse no matter what. If your husband sexually abuses your child, you'll love him anyway? Of course not, and if you did in spite of that, I'd strongly recommend a therapist.

Everyone has different tolerances and thresholds for negative behavior, and there is always *something* that has the capacity to break any relationship, based on your own priorities. If my husband was callous and indifferent to my suffering during pregnancy, if he suddenly decided this was the 1950's and all housework and child care were my jobs and he never lifted a finger.....that would hurt me very much and erode the love I have for him, and would ultimately destroy our marriage. I would not want my children to witness this unequal and unloving relationship, and model it in their own lives.

My husband is not some poor, hen-pecked victim who walks around terrified that I'm going to leave him if he forgets to unload the dishwasher. He is as much a feminist as I am, and takes offense at the idea that I should do all the work, and he loves taking care of me during this time that I don't feel well, as he feels "it's the least he can do" since he can't carry the baby for me. This is one of the many reasons why I knew he was the right one for me, why I felt confident in taking that leap of faith to get remarried, and why our marriage is so happy.

I've read him some of these posts, including the OP. He was appalled and said "why on earth is she putting up with that? He sounds like a jerk. She's pregnant, he needs to be picking up the slack." So my feelings regarding inequality being a marriage breaker is not an issue in OUR relationship, since we are both on the same page in this area. I never have to nag or "make him" do anything.

ETA: I understand that not everyone's husband is going to be like mine, although he certainly isn't perfect. I'm just saying that I find that lack of understanding, equality, or sensitivity to be character flaws that are so hurtful I cannot live with them.

alibc123 · May 2014

I'm actually quite lucky when it comes to my DH. He's definitely stepped up over the past few weeks. He's always done the laundry (he is much more picky about his clothes than me) but he's started to do more cooking than he used to. And the last couple of weeks he's been taking care of me when I feel like crap. As we speak he is downstairs baking cookies from scratch for my dad's birthday party tomorrow...entirely his choice.

NatureLovers · May 2014

mrandmrsk91011 said:

In all the weddings I have done, I have never had a member of the couple say that their love for their partner is conditional. Even the ones who have been divorced before.

I don't say this as a form of judgment at all. I am curious purely for scientific purposes.

Does your inventory specifically go out of the way and deliberately ask "Do you love each other unconditionally? Check yes or no."

Stargirlb · May 2014

NatureLovers, I get what you are saying. I am on my second DH, and I know better than to believe that I could ever (or should ever) 'unconditionally love' a partner. Having been with someone who did not behave like an equal and did not treat our relationship like a partnership, I did the same as you did before shacking up with number 2... THOROUGHLY communicated my needs/expectations from such a partnership, and the kind of stuff I absolutely would not be able to tolerate. (Gender roles, lack of emotional support, etc.)

Stargirlb · May 2014

I will add that i LOVE that this isn't my first and only baby daddy. I learned so much from my past bad experience-- most importantly that splitting up is not that bad, and sometimes the worst sh*t that happens in relationships happens because people are scared of precisely that--- divorce.

NatureLovers · May 2014

Stargirlb said:
NatureLovers, I get what you are saying. I am on my second DH, and I know better than to believe that I could ever (or should ever) 'unconditionally love' a partner. Having been with someone who did not behave like an equal and did not treat our relationship like a partnership, I did the same as you did before shacking up with number 2... THOROUGHLY communicated my needs/expectations from such a partnership, and the kind of stuff I absolutely would not be able to tolerate. (Gender roles, lack of emotional support, etc.)

I'm so glad someone gets my point and what I was trying to say! When I got married the first time, I did have some talks about this stuff, but it was nowhere near the depth and scope of the discussions I've had with my current hubby. I was also a bit naive. I believed that since my ex loved me, that there was no way that he would treat me the way he did, because how on earth can you justify treating your wife like your own personal housekeeper? Well apparently he could, so when I thought about marrying again, I told myself I would be damned if I ever tolerate that shit again just because we had made the commitment to marry.

NatureLovers · May 2014

mrandmrsk91011 said:
@NatureLovers‌ There's no need to get upset. I never said anything about your comments having any bearing on your relationship with your H. It was just a general comment based on a genuine curiosity as someone who is trying to learn about different perspectives so I can be better at what I do for a living. That is it.

Upset? What are you talking about?

alibc123 · May 2014

I will also say this. DH and I started seeing a therapist last year and it has helped so much! Yes we still have arguments but at least now the cool down time is way shorter and they don't seem to happen nearly as often. Also, try getting your hubby the "Dude, You're Going to be a Dad" book. I got it for mine and read the first few pages, it seems like it really lays out what we women are going through pretty well. Just a thought, good luck

jennkg3 · May 2014

@naturelovers I was only responding to how I understood your first comment. I do think there is a lack of understanding in our society of how marriage works and I totally I agree with all your other comments, the first i just may have taken differently then you intended it.

gingerygirl · May 2014

I understand exactly what you're going through. My hubby doesn't get it either. He has a good part time job and I've been trying to get him to find a second one since my doctor tells me I might have to stop working soon. He gets mad every time I bug him about it. He'll also complain if I haven't done laundry or gone grocery shopping or little things like that. I told him he can do those things too, I don't always have to do it. I told my dad what was going on and he sat hubby down and had a nice long talk with him. I don't know what was said, but ever since then he's been soooo much better!

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