When do kids need to resolve their own problems

hokies94 · May 2014

DD is 11 and in 5th grade. One of her friend's mom has told me DD has not been nice to her DD recently. It's nothing horrible but my DD has been kind of snippy and short with her friend. We talked about it and DD said her friend had been bossy recently. I feel like it's totally age appropriate behavior and just a momentary disagreement. I told DD that she needed to work this out with her friend. I really don't want to get involved and don't think I need to.

I think her friend's mom wants me to help resolve it. I think the girls need to work it out on their own. The friend's mom is somewhat overprotective and very involved in her DDs activities. I'm more hands off in parenting. My DD has a lot more freedom and leeway than her friend.

When do you think kids need to work out their problems themselves?

Aussie45 · May 2014

I would let them work it out. I like what @Gastro said about giving it a few days and trying to let them work it out. Just because the other mom wants to work it out immediately, doesn't mean it needs to be that way. Learning to work through problems and difficulty with friends is a valuable lesson and it sounds like your daughter is old enough to do it herself.

notkateanymore · May 2014

Unless it was repeat bullying type behavior from your child I would not step in and fix it with her friend...though I would mention being bitchy to your friends doesn't solve anything.

That's what I tell my DD at least.

spring_time · May 2014

I think they need time to work it out on their own. This other mom is walking a very fine line that is only going to hurt her daughter in the end. My mom was a step in, micromanaging type and kids in middle school do not look kindly on another kid whose mom intervenes. I am convinced middle school was made 10x worse by adults trying to "help." In general, unless it is bullying behavior, parents need to stay out of the middle of their kid's relationships.

I am sure it is incredibly difficult to see your child hurt, but she should be talking to her daughter about how she can behave/react. I think you should continue talk to your daughter about her behavior. You can both speak to your own daughters, and then leave it alone.

AKB090609 · May 2014

I think you've done as much as you need to, you told her she needs to work it out. I might let her know that if she's needs help figuring out how to do so you are always there to talk with her.

mandymack · May 2014

I have always allowed Emily to work everything out on her own, though it hasn't been easy for me to sit back and watch her come up with solutions herself. Having your child hurt by others words and actions is crushing BUT, I firmly believe kids need life skills like these BEFORE they start school and that can only happen if you step away from the sandbox.

I 100% agree with @spring_time - it's parental involvement that has caused most of the problems AND escalated very minor, normal disagreements between friends the last three years of elementary school. I'm just thankful it was going on around me and my child wasn't involved.

I vote to let your daughter work it out on her own, with you just empathizing and listening as she talks about it, and IF the other mom actually comes to you to discuss it, I'd maybe just say you don't feel it's helpful to get involved and the girls need to work it out on their own.

Good luck, that's a tough spot to be in!

Mrs.Hizzo · May 2014

There's a boy in my kindergartner's class who has some issues. A lot of the other kids don't like him much. He's a sweet kid, just has a very difficult time with impulse control and boundaries, you know? My son feels bad for him and asks him to play, sometimes. The problem is, he doesn't want to play with him all the time, and this boy has sort of latched on to him. My kid, being six, has said things to him like "I don't want to play with you today, I want to play with Josh and Jason, instead." Not intentionally hurtful, but very blunt.

The boys mom has tried to guilt me about this, and I'm not having it. I have never heard from her or anyone else that my son is being mean to this boy, just that he doesn't always want to spend time with him. What am I supposed to say to that? "You have to play with Evan at recess?" I've made a point to have conversations about treating everyone with respect, but I can't manage his social interactions, nor do I want to unless, like Kate said, it's a clear case of him bullying or being bullied. And this is kindergarten! By 5th grade, they really ought to be working this stuff out on their own (with support from home).

hokies94 · May 2014

letranger said:

I don't know 5? But really do you think there's more not being sad. Is your kid bullying it saying mean stuff?

Nope, definitely not bullying. It was just run of the mill hot/cold friendship stuff. They worked it out. DD actually said "it's much easier to work out when a parent gets involved". I couldn't agree more!!

When do kids need to resolve their own problems

Re: When do kids need to resolve their own problems

eclaire 9.10.06 diggy 6.2.11

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