This is sucky. Just got a lecture on not getting PG with #4 (too late)

NicoleWI · May 2014

I know my mom wanted us to stop at 2 kids. Went for #4 despite some conflicted feelings of our own and immediately got pregnant. We are excited, but also completely freaked out and much more worried about handling everything than we were with the others.

Today, my parents were babysitting and my mom saw a diagram I made of bedrooms--trying to figure out who goes where (we had each kid in their own room and had thought we were set). I thought she'd figured out I was pregnant, but turns out she thinks we're just considering it. So, she proceeded to give me a lecture about NOT getting pregnant, saying things like, "don't even think about it! Don't do it! You'll just be a slave to those kids. Remember how worried you were about DD2 (she had single umbilical artery but is fine)? Think about finances! You aren't thinking about things like camps and activities and weddings, much less college...it just goes on an on."

Ugh. I was already worried about telling my parents and now this. I hate knowing that they aren't supportive at all. I hate that she felt so strongly about it that she felt the need to give me a lecture. I hate that she makes ME feel more worried b/c she reinforces all the things I'm already concerned about.

This is all going to be okay, right?? Am I going to age 20 years and be a totally rundown "slave to those kids?"

flyinmommy · May 2014

It's your choice. I'd stand up for yourself. "Mom I'm a grown up and can make my own decisions and follow through on my responsibilities" end of conversation.

JilliansMoma · May 2014

Wow! The only way I would allow my Mom to tell me how many children to have is if she was supporting me financially. This is a choice you and your husband made together. She has no say! My mom has opinions and voices them and I listen but she knows I do what is best for my family.

She has a strange way of looking at motherhood if she thinks you are a slave to your children! Yes you may make sacrifices for your family, especially when they are little, but is she ever telling you the rewards of motherhood? There is nothing material I wouldn't give up for the love and amazement I receive from my children. I grew these perfect, sassy, challenging, gorgeous girls inside my body and they are their own people! These little humans that share our house and IMO enrich our lives.

Growing up my brother and I didn't have a lot but we turned out fine. I'd sacrifice a few dinners out or a cheaper cell phone plan to put a few dollars away for my girls college. We do want to give our kids all the camps, weddings, sports, music lessons, college educations but really if we can't afford extras like that every year then they will grow up knowing they are loved.

So sorry that she is not supportive. I hope you still see what a blessing your children are and don't let her drag you and your husband down with her negative attitude. I'm a huge believer that you get out of parenthood what you put into it.

Sorry that turned into a little bit of a rant!

JM

darbymom9 · May 2014

There is a poem ive seen about announcing a pregnancy that you don't think will be well received. ..maybe that would help. I would try to remind myself that until you're asking her to help pay for your kids ( assuming you aren't) then its really not her business how you and dh plan your family!

Hugs, I think we all have a family member we dread telling, no matter how excited we are about it.

darbymom9 · May 2014

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a23270671/quick_whats_the_pregnancy_poem_for_large_families

There are two different poems in this post that you could adapt wording to fit your situation.

Lisasugar · May 2014

Are you complaining about finances and such with her? I don't know enough about your situation but it sounds like she is a bit out of line and assuming you can't handle things. Sorry

NicoleWI · May 2014

Thank you for the poems! She is definitely WAY out of line and has been with many things lately. Her dad (my grandpa) just passed away and my brothers and I think she seems tense and can't enjoy anything. I think she has some anxiety issues that turn most things into negatives. it is frustrating and disappointing.

And, I am definitely NOT at all complaining about finances or asking her to pay for anything.

dukemeli · May 2014

Unless your parents are providing you with financial support, they have no say in your family planning decisions. End of story.

danieleandwayne · May 2014

I would be raining down a world of hurt on my mother if she tried to pull that lecture with me. Who the hell does she think she is?!? Unless she's footing the bill for your house, your daycare, etc. then she has NO right to open her pie hole. None. Nada. Zippo.

Maybe you can flip it on her and ask her if she thinks she failed as a mother to you because she clearly thinks she raised an idiot who can't run her own life.

So sorry your mom is being a canoeful of douche (sorry if that sounds harsh).

FLRainbowGirl · May 2014

Aaaw. I'm so sorry, girl!
Parents will never stop worrying. They love us & they want to make life easier for us.
It doesn't make it right, but from her perspective she's trying to help.

YOU - on the other hand - are going to be just fine! Children are pure joy & a blessing from God! Yes, it's hard work, it's money, all those things, but with each one comes more love, blessings & in our case - even provision.

It's all a matter of perspective. What a blessing to have a big family!!!
When this LO is here, she'll love it just as much!!!

darbymom9 · May 2014

My mom is going to start the "at your age" lecture and I am not ready for that.

When I had Josie 18 months ago she was so worried about downs syndrome. ...I was 42. I am 43 and will be 44 in july so I expect it again.

She worries about the burden it will put on the other kids if something happened to my husband and myself. We have 9 children already and I see it as a blessing that IF something happened, they'd have each other to look after....also, since I had Josie, our 13 yr old daughter had an accident and is now a quadriplegic. There are many different dynamics in our life now but our kids know that family comes first and family is what matters.

I also wonder if at some level she worries that she won't be around long enough to see them grow.

We sure wouldn't trade the blessing that Josie has been these last 18 months and downs or not, we'll love this new baby every bit as much.

Hugs! Sorry, that got long!

harmonicbabe26 · May 2014

Well I would tell her (or at least in my mind) to shut the F up and mind her own business! How many kids a couple want is purely their own business! 4 is totally manageable for people who want 4. But even if it was an oops you can deal with it.
And mind you I am the kind of person that wanted to be one and done for the longest time.
I honestly don't understand how parents/ILs have the nerve to tell their grown up, independent children how many kids to have...

CreativeD1 · May 2014

Perhaps if you tell her with super excitement and keep that energy level up she won't have the heart to bring you down? I know in my work when I am going to deal with an especially crabby person I turn into a stepford wife (I disgust myself with this, really), and it works a lot! Super cheerful and then the crab turns cheerful too.

I wish you luck and I am sure it will all turn out!!!

Bigboneded · May 2014

Good luck with the telling....
as to being a slave to them in 20 years, doubt it. My grandma had 10 and her only regret was not having more time to give individual attention, never about being a slave to them ;-)

Want a personalized experience?

This is sucky. Just got a lecture on not getting PG with #4 (too late)

Re: This is sucky. Just got a lecture on not getting PG with #4 (too late)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards