Grandparental Guilt Over Daycare (warning long)

JamieK1882 · May 2014

I'm having the worst case of guilt ever, and wanted some opinions on if I'm being out of line or crazy.

DH and I have decided we want our child in daycare. We both work full time and it's not an option for either of us to stay at home. My ILs are retired but live about 45 minutes away. They also vacation 12 weeks out of the year (they spend 2 months in the fall at their time share at the beach and do 2, 2-week camping trips over the summer..at least...sometimes even more vacations). They have offered to babysit, but I don't think they really want to every day (nor do I want them to). They have 2 other grandchildren (FIL was married before and it's his kids, kids).

My parents both still work full time. They live about 20 minutes away. This is their first grandchild and to say they're excited is an understatement. They are absolutely ECSTATIC and are already jealous that ILs are retired and will "get more time with baby." My dad really really wants my mom to retire (and she hates her job), so they both approached us and said she would retire and watch the baby full time.

Although that is nice, DH has an issue with it because then it's not fair to HIS parents. We both have an issue with it because my mom has very poor eyesight and can't drive in the dark (so early morning or late evening) or in the snow, bad rain, etc. We have a feeling this would result in her staying the night here, or us having to drive to her which would be an additional 40 minutes at least out of our way. Our other issue, with EITHER parent watching the kid, is that we often don't get home from work until at least 6pm. At that point, we'll just want some time to relax, spend with our baby, etc and not have to entertain parents (or feel bad kicking them out).

There are 2 daycares we are interested in, both within 5 minutes of our house. They're expensive, but we really like them and can make it work financially. I should also add we really like the idea of a daycare in general because our child will have no neighborhood kids their age, nor any cousins that are younger, and we really like the socialization aspect. Anyways, I am still waiting to hear back from my job if I can work from home a day week or not (see my WTF Wednesday post..it still makes me livid and I can't even get into that one right now).

If I DO get a work from home day, we plan to use one of the daycares for 3 days a week. I would be home with baby 1 day, and then the grandparents can rotate the other day. If I DON'T get a work from home day, we'll use day care #2 for 4 days a week, and again the grandparents will rotate the 5th day.

The problem is my parents are making me feel SO GUILTY over this. They say it's a waste of money to put an infant in daycare and the socialization isn't important until they're older. They are afraid (esp my parents) they won't get any ALONE time with the baby. Last night DH and I dropped off our furbabies for my parents to watch while we go on vacation, and when DH was out of the room, my dad looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "PLEASE PLEASE reconsider."

It's breaking my heart. I love my parents so much and I DO want them close with the baby, but for all the reasons I listed above, we really feel daycare is our best choice. I guess I'm just looking for some opinions. Do you guys agree with DH and I or am I being a cold-hearted biotch?

Thanks for reading and sorry such a novel!

JamieK1882 · May 2014

Oh and one other thing I wanted to add to this story..I don't think my parents can financially afford to retire yet. I know that's not my decision, but my parents are extremely generous with me and my siblings (they still fully support my one brother in law school...pay his tuition, rent, etc) and my other brother still lives at home and they do a ton for him too. They would remortgage their house if I asked for money..it's just the kind of people they are. I don't want my mom to use the baby as an excuse to retire early (she's turning 60 in October) and then hurt themselves financially.

missnacholover · May 2014

I was going to ask if your daycare can go by the day vs. the week and suggest that grandparents watch baby one day/week. I think that's a win-win situation. Saves you guys a little bit of cash and grandparents will have that special time every week.

I don't think you are being cold hearted at all. Even if my parents or ILs lived close by, I don't think I'd want them watching my baby full time. One day/week is more than most grandparents get!

I'm sorry they are guilt tripping you. If I was in your situation I'd just be firm and say, "This is what we've decided and what works best for us and our family, if anything changes, we will let you know."

I think sometimes grandparents get ideas in their heads and get upset that it doesn't work out. I could write a book about my MIL and I'm only 15.5 weeks. You just need to do what is best for you, DH, and your baby and NOT feel bad about it.

MrsTuna08 · May 2014

I do not think you're being bitchy! My brother and SIL do a version of this, my mom takes my nephew one day and he goes to daycare for the other 4. For my nephew, this has been a FANTASTIC opportunity. He gets one-on-one time sometimes and group play with structure at other times.

One of the things that I've seen them struggle with (as a result of my mom's personality) is that because she's the nana she does what she wants. At daycare, they pay for a service and have certain expectations about what will happen and have recourse if their expectations aren't met. With my mom..... not so much. They ask her to do something differently and she gets pouty. And in the end she still does what she wants to do.

So the moral of my story is: This arrangement is great for my nephew. He does well in a variety of social settings and is happy going to Nana and Papa's house AND he loves daycare. The situation between my brother/SIL and my parents is more sticky - feelings get in the way and no one is completely happy with the situation. But since it is so good for my nephew, and my parents absolutely love getting the time with him for their day, and it's one less day of daycare to pay for - they keep on with the current arrangement.

Moral #2 - I'm glad I live 3 hours away from my parents and don't have to make this decision

Good luck!

MrsTuna08 · May 2014

Ohp, just thought of one more thing - at one point my brother and SIL considered putting my nephew in daycare full-time and it absolutely crushed my parents. So much drama. So as another thing to consider - if you start out sending the baby to the grandparents for one or more days, it may be very, very difficult to change the arrangement if you decide you are unhappy.

jess123456 · May 2014

That sounds like a tricky situation. It sounds like you guys are leaning toward the daycare for various reasons. If you do get approved for work from home it still might be really difficult to work while the baby is there of course it depends on the work that you do. I imagine this would get more difficult when baby gets mobile. I have a friend who works a desk job and got approved for a work from home day but it got too much for her to care for the baby and take calls etc. so she had to hire a nanny for that day. Could you have the grandparents switch off that day that you work from home? That way your mom might not need to retire but perhaps her work could be somewhat flexible with her working four days every once and a while? Maybe you could start an earlier day that day so your mom could leave before it got dark out?

I think it's awesome that they are all so willing to help out but I understand that it's way more complicated. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

nonoemily · May 2014

That kind of guilt trip is straight up cold. This isn't about what's best for the baby, it's about what they want. I am so sorry that your parents are dragging themselves into this.

I cannot afford daycare and do not work, but when I need childcare I rely on either my mother or DHs dad, both are retired. DHs dad is great, but lives an hour outside of town. My mom is much closer, but so flaky and gets these weird ideas in her head that she fixates on.

My point is this- free childcare is never free. There is so much baggage and drama that potentially comes up. It sounds like there are very good reasons why you prefer to have a daycare provider care for your child.

Please don't let family start making you feel guilty about doing what's best for your kid now, otherwise it will never end. What happens when they don't agree with your parenting choices, or the way you feed your baby, or something else important?

You baby will have plenty of time with their grandparents. You might still want them to watch LO while you go on a date, or see a movie together or whatever, especially once the baby is older.

When my H and I have made a decision we explain ourselves ONCE and the conversation is closed. It works with toddlers, and adults.

missnacholover · May 2014

nonoemily said:

That kind of guilt trip is straight up cold. This isn't about what's best for the baby, it's about what they want. I am so sorry that your parents are dragging themselves into this. I cannot afford daycare and do not work, but when I need childcare I rely on either my mother or DHs dad, both are retired. DHs dad is great, but lives an hour outside of town. My mom is much closer, but so flaky and gets these weird ideas in her head that she fixates on. My point is this- free childcare is never free. There is so much baggage and drama that potentially comes up. It sounds like there are very good reasons why you prefer to have a daycare provider care for your child. Please don't let family start making you feel guilty about doing what's best for your kid now, otherwise it will never end. What happens when they don't agree with your parenting choices, or the way you feed your baby, or something else important? You baby will have plenty of time with their grandparents. You might still want them to watch LO while you go on a date, or see a movie together or whatever, especially once the baby is older. When my H and I have made a decision we explain ourselves ONCE and the conversation is closed. It works with toddlers, and adults.

This. One piece of advice my sister has told me is to master the phrase, "I'm sorry, that just won't work for us." I really don't think explanations are necessary, but if you feel like giving one I think that stating your thoughts and opinions once and then ending the conversation is good. It's not open for discussion.

tigerpawie · May 2014

I concur with the others. Do what is best for you and your LO. You could try an happy compromise by having the grandparents switch off for just one day a week. I absolutely loved spending time with my grandparents. My kids love my inlaws. They're so incredibly helpful. Your parents and inlaws may surprise you. I also agree that a daycare is wonderful for socialization. My kids thrived in daycare. If I were you, 4 days daycare and 1 day grandparents and weekends family time. But really. Go with your guts and what works best for your situation. Don't let them guilt you over this!!! I've had worse from my family and I've stood my ground. They've come around eventually.

MalachiteDrake · May 2014

My child will be the third baby for my husband's family, but I'll be living much closer than my SIL was when she had her kids (and my MIL still regularly took a plane out and would stay with her daughter for weeks on end, still does sometimes and the kids are now school aged), so I'm a little nervous about my MIL wanting to be around all the time. She's opinionated but not overly pushy, I just think we'll butt heads just often enough to be exhausting if she never goes home for any appreciable length of time.

Then I have a step-mother that I avoid like the plague (she's an emotionally bully that puts down my dad's kids every time we're around to make herself feel like a superior parent) who lives less than five minutes away from me and I have to decide how much time I'll let my father see the baby by how much I want my child exposed to her. She's also been a teacher for her career and has developed the bad habit of treating everyone around her like they're elementary-school aged and ignoring their preferences/autonomy as adults, so I don't trust her to respect my wishes when it comes to caring for or interacting with my child, most especially any time I'm not there to supervise. She's actually come up and voluntarily told me when she's disregarded my brother's instructions about his own children (again, to 'prove' that she's better at parenting than him or the two mothers he has children by X( ).

Not exactly the same situations, but I think you and I will both have to do as PP have said and master the phrase "That is not the decision we're making for our child, this is." and stick to it through the tearful looks and disapproving statements.

ETA: Somewhat ironically, my mother lives with me and has so far shown herself to be the most 'hands-off' when it comes to unsolicited advice and pushiness about wanting to spend time with the baby.

Her statement, "I'm old, the baby will be cute and I'll snuggle, but I'm old. You're the momma."

runningmama14 · May 2014

We are going through the same thing with my SIL (roughly the same age as your parents). I really don't even want to mess with the one day a week thing, but DH really wants to try to make it work. The way our daycare charges, it would cost us almost just the same to go 3 days a week as it would to go 5 days a week. Plus, I think my sil would want some type of payment too. So basically, it will cost us more to use her and I already don't want to.

I hate that family just assumes they have a right to dictate that kind of choice for you. In the case of my SIL, the first thing out of her mouth when she found out I was pregnant was "yes! I'm going to quit my job and babysit." And later she commented about how this kid was going to be hers, just like dh was (she was a main caregiver from him when he was little). I seriously wanted to throat punch her.

tinkerbell1658 · May 2014

Daycares dont only provide social interactions with other kids but also other people plus introduces a routine which an infant can benefit from. I think you have a good plan and just need to put your foot down. Good luck and dont let them guilt you, theyll see the baby plenty!

mamatohne · May 2014

I have no advice about your parents or il's but I would like to add that most of the time it is extremely hard to find daycare that will accept infants part time. It has a lot to do with the extra help they need and ect. So I would check into that.

morrkim · May 2014

We will have to make this decision too. My in-laws have volunteered as well and the cost of daycare will be really tight with three kids under the age of three. Basically it will be my whole paycheck, but I hate having my MIL driving that far. Both of us are planning on moving this summer, but haven't found places yet, so we do not know how long of a drive it will be. We might be able to do part-time, but we are not sure. H will only be starting part-time and we don't know the hours of the day he will be working, but once he has been there 4-6 month he will move to full-time. Currently he works nights and watches dd during the day, but he is not getting enough sleep. I told him that I think it would be better to have him work during the day with this job because he will definitely not be getting enough sleep with two infants and a toddler.

JamieK1882 · May 2014

Thanks everyone. This is why I love this board. Sometimes DH and I convince ourselves of one thing and it's good to have that external validation. Appreciate all the feedback!

Sarahbeth612 · May 2014

I think others have covered what I wanted to say, but if you do go into explanation, let them know that you've considered them in this too. You want them to be grandparents and not feel like they a "job"
My mother insisted on keeping my daughter after she was born. We couldn't afford daycare at the time so it was a huge blessing. But after a while, it put a strain on our relationship. I didn't want to have to rely on her, and she still insisted until my daughter was 3 that it was best. But it definitely came with some drama at times.
Good luck! I think you have a good plan with splitting time and I hope it goes over well.

SweetMelissa5 · May 2014

I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting your mother to handle childcare full-time (although I personally don't think that it not being fair to your in-laws is something to worry about), but I'm not sure that your compromise situation is going to work either. Obviously you know your work, but I know a lot of people who work from home are not allowed to be in charge of any children under a certain age (generally about 12), so you should check into that, and even if you are allowed, you might find it really difficult to get your work done once your baby is mobile and awake more than asleep. Also, if your mom isn't going to watch the baby full-time, is she still planning to retire? Because if not, then will there be anyone home to watch the baby on days when your in-laws are out of town/unavailable? Honestly, in your situation, I would probably just put the baby in daycare full-time and tell both sets of parents that they can spend time with their grandchild at night/on the weekend when it's convenient for you guys.

After my middle child was born, my mom watched my two kids three days a week, and they went to daycare the other two days, and it honestly saved us very little money because the rate per day was crazy expensive compared to the full-time rate. In my case, it was even more difficult because my parents live 2.5 hours away, so my mom had to come stay at our house for half the week, and it definitely started to put a strain and my husband and me.

CarrieAnne09 · May 2014

I don't have a ton of advice to offer. But my old manager at work has her mom and dad as her primary caregiver for her son. Which works well for them but they have a really hard time when they want date nights in the evening. They feel guilty relying on her parents when they already watch their son all week. I think one day a week plus the occasional evening when you and DH want a date night is a really good compromise. It's your decision and they need to respect that.

jlove253 · May 2014

First I want to say you seem to have a really good plan. My personal preference is to put off daycare as long as possible, but that doesn't mean I think it's okay for your parents/in laws to guilt trip you and thereby manipulate you into doing what they want. Maybe try to reassure them that they are going to be awesome grandparents, and the first call for babysitters. You love them, but you've also decided what will work for you guys and that's the final decision. The biggest thing I learned from beig a parent was how to stand up for things that matter. LO can't do it for his/herself, so you must be their advocate. You are going to be exhausted and hormonal (to some degree) and need to do what you can to stay sane.

My SIL is going through something similar with her MIL. SIL is a SAHM and her mil still wants to come over ALL THE TIMEand also watch my nephew whenever she can, but isn't very intuitive to his needs (he's got the most personality of any infant I've ever met). So he cries most of the time he's with her. SIL has had to set boundaries and it's hard. The mil makes her feel bad that she can't hold him whenever she wants, or that she has baby clothes her friends gave her for when my nephew is over, and he never has worn them and needs bigger sizes. The things the mil says are manipulative, and she calls her son all the time to guilt trip him too. I try to remind SIL that just because you set boundaries doesn't mean you're cold hearted, or that you are depriving anyone of your child.

NunyaBennis · May 2014

missnacholover said:
I was going to ask if your daycare can go by the day vs. the week and suggest that grandparents watch baby one day/week. I think that's a win-win situation. Saves you guys a little bit of cash and grandparents will have that special time every week.

I don't think you are being cold hearted at all. Even if my parents or ILs lived close by, I don't think I'd want them watching my baby full time. One day/week is more than most grandparents get!

I'm sorry they are guilt tripping you. If I was in your situation I'd just be firm and say, "This is what we've decided and what works best for us and our family, if anything changes, we will let you know."

I think sometimes grandparents get ideas in their heads and get upset that it doesn't work out. I could write a book about my MIL and I'm only 15.5 weeks. You just need to do what is best for you, DH, and your baby and NOT feel bad about it.

Yes! I want to love this 18 more times.

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