Books for DH/Rant

aa98 · May 2014

Hi N14! I'm so sorry if you've already discussed this. I did a search and found some helpful advice in other forums but not exactly what I am looking for.

So, DH hasn't been the most supportive person in this pregnancy thus far (he has his good moments) but overall, does not seem to be able to control his hurtful comments. I don't know if he thinks he's being funny, or he is just that clueless. First trimester was filled with, "well, you got yourself knocked up." Of course, this after 2 years of constant nagging, "let's have a baby" every time we get romantic, and me being turned off and reaching for BC. The first time we decided not to use BC, wham. I am thrilled. Him, well, see above. I know he's mostly joking, but after the 50th time, I'm like really, somehow you have conveniently forgotten the last 2 years???

Second of all, he will say other stupid, clueless, insensitive stuff. For example this weekend, we went for a walk. He said, "Wow, I have never seen you walk so slowly!" It's our first day above 80 (87 and humid), we walked 3 miles and the purpose wasn't exercise, it was to enjoy the day. Plus, pre-pregnancy I weighed 100 pounds and I am now pushing 110 so sue me if I get short of breath when doing my usual 'outta my way, I got somewhere to be pace.' Plus maybe I don't want to be a sweaty, panty mess by the time we finish our walk. After I told him I get tired more easily now, you know what he said??? "You know, this is all in your head, why don't you pretend like you're not pregnant, you'll be fine then." REALLY??? I stopped talking to him the rest of our walk.

So my long winded question is do you all have any suggestions for a good, SHORT book (he won't read it if it's long) to educate my DH so I don't hit him over the head with a frying pan in the next month? Thanks!

Maelara · May 2014

My DH was this way when I was pregnant with DD but he was joking. Is your DH joking or just being an ass?

He was however, generally unsupportive and unattached. It didn't hit him until he held DD for the first time. ETA - which is usually how men are. Not unsupportive but they don't go through what we do so they don't bond or 'get it' until the baby is here.

It's actually very common to be breathless while pregnant and I doubt it has anything to do with you being 110lbs :P

As for books, my DH REFUSED to read any. So I have no suggestions. Good luck!

brooklyngirl18 · May 2014

i'm sorry your H is being an ass. ive heard many times a woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant but a man becomes a father once the baby is born. DH has been supportive and everything but refuses to read any books. i don't understand why he's so against reading anything but i think each guy has their hang up given they aren't experiencing pregnancy the way we are. have you tried talking to him about his behavior? my dh jokes with me a lot and doesnt realize that it hurts sometimes until i make a scene about it. he called me huge the other day and insisted he was complimenting my belly but it was really not smart. im sorry i dont have much advice just talk to him and include him in as much pregnancy stuff as possible so he sees more of what you're going through.

aa98 · May 2014

@Maelara, I do think mostly he is just joking, but when I get defensive about it, he doesn't apologize, he just sort of sticks to his guns... I feel (hope) that if he were more educated about symptoms and changes, he be better. I am sure he will be fine once the LO is here (he loves kids)... I think I'm a little oversensitive (hormones

It's nice to see that I am not the only one with the detached hubbie

Sunshine1116 · May 2014

This doesn't actually answer your question completely, but does your DH have an iPhone by chance? My DH refuses to read any books, but has an app on his phone called m Pregnancy, and it's a pregnancy app specifically geared towards men. It has weekly information and compares the baby to manly items like beer caps and footballs and such. It talks about what is going on with baby, but it also gives weekly updates on what is going on with us, and I know my husband has enjoyed it. He actually re-downloaded it for baby #2 and always makes sure he checks it each week.

aa98 · May 2014

Wow, thanks ladies! These are all great suggestions! I read a couple of the book blurbs on amazon, they seem fun, but I am worried that like some of you he just won't read it. I never thought of a phone app, DH has an android, maybe there is something similar to mPregnancy at the google play store, thanks @Sunshine1116!

aa98 · May 2014

BTW, he finds the fruit size comparison stupid so maybe the beer caps, and football comparison will help

sparklingwhit · May 2014

I don't really have advice, but my DH was super insensitive and would throw out the "it's all in your" head crap to me all the time. He also did not have any sympathy for my all day morning sickness and would get mad when I wasn't "keeping up". I got SUPER pissed/emotional one night and basically said that if he hadn't wanted a baby he should have told me that 2 years ago when we started trying. Basically my hormones went crazy and I freaked!

It was the best damned thing that could have happened! He was super apologetic and has been so sweet and sensitive ever since.

I think that all men take "their first pregnancy" very differently. Mine just shut down and acted like an ass. I think shit just got too real for him.

phdprocrastinator · May 2014

Do you guys have any friends who've had a baby? DH has his moments (mostly because he forgets - which is impossible to do as the woman), but talking with other dads helped him realize that my symptoms are very normal.

He had a book for #1 that I can categorically NOT suggest. It was called The Expectant Father. Basically, the author's stance was that it's really hard to "share" the attention with the mother-to-be, so all of his advice was about how to get the attention back on dad. Like, bringing a list of HIS ailments to the ob/gyn appointments (I have no problems with dads bringing questions for the doc, but this guy honestly recommended that dads should ask about any symptoms their experiencing). He also recommended playing video games. We mostly read it to laugh at the author.

aa98 · May 2014

Thank you all so much! It is so nice to hear that I'm not alone. Everyone says that he will change once the baby is here, but I'm freaked that he won't. I see how my brother and husband's brother were with their wives when they were pregnant (both of them are pretty "manly" and not touchy feely) and they were so excited and loving. Heck, they are excited about my baby! Maybe once I start showing more... I'm going to look into the book suggestions and the next time he makes an insensitive comment I'll try to calmly explain to him what an ass he is :P

aa98 · May 2014

phdprocrastinator said:

Do you guys have any friends who've had a baby? DH has his moments (mostly because he forgets - which is impossible to do as the woman), but talking with other dads helped him realize that my symptoms are very normal.

We do and most of his colleagues at work are women about my age who have had kids in the last few years so I think once we go "public" maybe talking to all those folks will help, I hope

maebee87 · May 2014

Tell your guy to check out this,

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/things-you-should-never-say-to-your-partner-when-shes-pre

sparklingwhit · May 2014

Okay, I'm home now. DH hasn't read these, but BIL said they were good and gave them to DH:
"The Everything Father-to-Be Book"
"Pregnancy Sucks for Men"
"Your Pregnancy (for the father to be)"
"The Expectant Father"

Edit because BIG should be BIL and auto correct is stupid.

MrsAdventure · May 2014

DH went through an extremely insensitive phase, not while I was KU, but early on in our marriage. He had never lived with a woman (not even a mom figure or sister) so it was new and he was an ass, he even looks back an admits it. It took more patients from me then I even thought I had. And more determination too, because there were times I honestly wanted to leave because he would defend his actions beyond reason (I was constantly having to remind him 'it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to you, XYZ hurts my feelings and that's what important'). The best advice I have for you is have patients, and if he hurts your feeling, tell him. Tell him calmly at first, be rational. Especially being pregnant, you don't want to give him a reason to blame the hormones 8-|

One thing that might help to make things more real for your DH is to do something for him for Fathers Day (June 15th). For my DH, I've ordered a few things off Amazon.com that I've been stashing away. Like a onesie that says 'Daddy's Girl' and a story book he can read to her called Mustache Baby. DH has a handle bar mustache that while I am not a fan of, he adores. Mostly I just tease him about it, but it's his 'thing' and I know the book will get him even more excited. Try finding a personal item like this, for example, if your DH is into cars, or fishing, or baseball, find a story book, or a onesie of his favorite team, or some baby item to help make things real. These sort of things say "hey, you get to share XYZ with our little one" and hopefully will bring your DH around.

nonoemily · May 2014

Just a random tip: if I want my H to read something, I leave it in the bathroom next to the toilet.
GL!

DoubleUp8 · May 2014

Maelara said:

As for books, my DH REFUSED to read any. So I have no suggestions. Good luck!

DH has been very supportive, so I have been lucky. But, he has not been interested in books. He spends a bunch of time on Reddit, which I am not too familiar with, but I guess there is a sub-site on Reddit calls Pre-Daddit and he has found that really helpful. I don't know what it says, but he started reading it the week we got our positive test and he has been nothing but wonderful.

He liked that it was "real dads/guys" who were going through/had gone through the same thing and could connect to it more than a book written by some random doctor. He like the "from the trenches" perspective. We both have grad degrees in history, so for him he connected more with primary sources.

I think what works is going to very between fathers-to-be, but finding what resonated with them will work best. Good luck!

aa98 · May 2014

Wow, you guys are so great. I never expected to receive so much great advice. Thank you! @MrsAdventure, that's a great tip about father's day. It will be after our anatomy scan so as long as everything is okay, I would feel safe doing something. DH is a huge baseball fan (he's yankees, I'm red sox...) so maybe I'll get a baseball book or if I can bring myself to do it, a yankees (eek) onesie... I will check out pre-Daddit as well, maybe it will be DH's thing...

I'm waiting for my BIL (DH's brother) to move back to the country in July hoping he will be a good influence on DH as he was and is super excited being a dad and he was the one that did all the research and shopping for their LO.

Dumbgurl04 · May 2014

My DH'S best.friend gave him the book. A cave man's guide to pregnancy. Of course DH hasn't opened it (not much of a reader) but we just saw his friend and he was talking about all the stuff he learned from it so DH has at least taken it off the book shelf. Sit doesn't seem like a very big book and probably with like the books you are reading you can skip parts that's don't apply

MrsTuna08 · May 2014

MH has mostly been supportive, but he has his moments. I think he just doesn't understand that I truly do not feel good, even though I look like my regular self. At one point mid-first trimester misery he got really frustrated that I was being mopey and sad on the couch and he said, "I just wish you were normal." That didn't go over well. But we laugh about it now.
In response to your call for books, I bought "The Pregnancy Journal" by A. Christine Harris. It has a small blurb for every day about how baby is growing today and what is going on with mom. (Probably similar in concept to the apps that have been mentioned by PP) We read that together every morning (takes less than 2 minutes) and it has become a sort of bonding thing. We get to ooh and aah over what baby is doing and the book also calls out symptoms that I may be having. I feel like it helps to reinforce that this pregnancy is real, my symptoms are real and I'm allowed to be a hot mess on the couch because I feel crappy.
Good luck! If all else fails, the frying pan sounds like a viable option!

lizzielu82 · May 2014

I've heard that for men who don't want to read books (I can see mine not being interested) that going to various classes has really helped. They'll still get a lot of the important information that's noted in the books, but it will be in-person, interactive and something you can do together.

Good luck!!!

aa98 · May 2014

Thanks for all the great ideas!

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