The "not fun" parent

lrichmond86 · May 2014

I think this is the role that I'm going to have to accept. It's not that I never have fun with dd. It's more that when dh is home he does all the fun baby things and I do all the not fun ones (I.e. baths, diapers, dressing, meal prep, tooth brushing, laundry, toy clean up, etc.). I'm glad that dh can enjoy time with dd. I just wish we both could at once. It's like he doesn't get that all of these other things need to get done. He's so laid back and I can't relax until I've finished the chores.

Anyone else feel like this? It kind of stinks.

karen0477 · May 2014

This is similar in our house, however, as the kids have gotten older, I make sure that I get to have fun time with them too. We will take turns going out for movies or frozen yogurt or a walk with them individually. When they are really little I never minded too much, but once they're old enough to go out and do really fun stuff, that's when I started to put my foot down about it more.

valstulas · May 2014

Yes.

Mr. Vals works part time and I work full time. I do most of the housework, too. He takes them out of the house for shopping and such. He doesn't do baths. He doesn't make them do chores. When I make them brush their teeth, they cry for daddy.

I play with them and read books but because I'm so busy with the more mundane things, I get less credit for the fun things.

It sucks to work so hard and be under-appreciated. I was venting about this with my faction tonight, actually.

Someday our children will be grown and look back and know that we may not have always been "the fun parents," but that we were the parents who had fun with them while we were setting them up for success.

danigirl7181 · May 2014

I agree with @Karen0477‌ as DD got older we have more fun. Just a few minutes ago we played in the rain. But I still feel I'm the one that is always telling her to eat nice and pick up her toys.

summerchild · May 2014

In a way yes. I take on more of the not so fun parts, and DH is the fun guy, but I love seeing them together rolling around doing boy things. I didn't have a dad growing up so I am happy that DS and DH adore each other. For me hearing my boys laugh makes me feel better, even if I'm not more fun than Daddy. On the other hand, if DS needs comfort or snuggling, I'm his go to parent over DH.

In my scenario though, DH does help out, but I had to "train him" (for lack of a better phrase). I learned a while back that DH doesn't think to change the baby's diaper or give him a bath. At first I was totally bitter, but I realized if I just told him what to do, he just did it! Saves me a lot of trouble. Now every morning by habit, he automatically gets up with DS and changes DS's diaper, since I've asked him every day. I also told him it is his job to wash the bottles every night and he does it. I still do more than he does in the child care department, but he will never be me.

Does your DH help out at all or does he assume it's your job only?

Hugs mama. You are super fun too!

lrichmond86 · May 2014

Sharkababy said:
In a way yes. I take on more of the not so fun parts, and DH is the fun guy, but I love seeing them together rolling around doing boy things. I didn't have a dad growing up so I am happy that DS and DH adore each other. For me hearing my boys laugh makes me feel better, even if I'm not more fun than Daddy. On the other hand, if DS needs comfort or snuggling, I'm his go to parent over DH.

In my scenario though, DH does help out, but I had to "train him" (for lack of a better phrase). I learned a while back that DH doesn't think to change the baby's diaper or give him a bath. At first I was totally bitter, but I realized if I just told him what to do, he just did it! Saves me a lot of trouble. Now every morning by habit, he automatically gets up with DS and changes DS's diaper, since I've asked him every day. I also told him it is his job to wash the bottles every night and he does it. I still do more than he does in the child care department, but he will never be me.

Does your DH help out at all or does he assume it's your job only?

Hugs mama. You are super fun too!

DH will do anything I ask him to do, but rarely noticed the things that need to be done. And it often takes more time for me to explain what needs to be done than if I just do it myself so I usually don't bother. In retrospect that's pretty passive aggressive and I should just ask anyway. I've mentioned in other posts that dh is WAY ADD and he didn't stay focused for long (a big part of my frustration). But he's also just more laid back than I am and doesn't really see the importance of the things that I do.

I guess there's nothing wrong with having differing roles in the family If everyone can be ok with the role they have. I think I just need to come to terms with it. It does make me feel better that I'm not the only one who feels this way, though.

KateJuly2013 · May 2014

Im happy to say we are pretty 50/50. We have a good balance of play and work where Maggie is concerned.
Im pretty cognizant of that. I always hated my mom and she wore the pants in my parents relationship. We never had fun or laughed. I really dont want to turn out like her.

theuntaggablek · May 2014

I feel lucky to have Mr. Ken&Kendra.

He does a mix of fun and not so fun. He is, for instance, the designated dishwasher, snot sucker, nail trimmer, and also a key discipliner, esp. with the tantrummy 3 yo. That said, I get the laundry, cooking, and wake up @ night duties as well as 8 of 10 daycare dropoffs/ pickups and all managerial tasks (calling of doctors. communication and gifts for family, etc.) The last of these is the most taxing and annoying yet hard to delegate.

coco2787 · May 2014

Yup, my H basically only does the fun stuff, with the exception of a few diapers here and there. I do have fun too since I'm a SAHM, but I often feel resentful that so much of the "work" falls on me because of it.

MRads · May 2014

I do 95% of childcare, but I also have a lot more patience than H, so I'm not sure how it will all shake out.

Honestly, this is one of the number one things that makes me want to be OAD. I know I can have fun with my one kid. We go to breakfast before grocery shopping every Saturday. We go to the playground at least once a week after DC, if not more. I can have fun with one, but I worry about that with two.

PrimRoseMama · May 2014

Can you switch off the "chore" type baby care? That's what H & I do.

Stina2012 · May 2014

Sometimes I feel bad when DH has more patience. But then I think about the fact that he sleeps through most MOTN wake ups. And then I stab him.

-Jack Handy

(I do not stab my DH. I am kidding.)

lrichmond86 · May 2014

PrimRoseMama said:
Can you switch off the "chore" type baby care? That's what H & I do.

Eh. Dh doesn't get it. There's this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where he pretends that he doesn't know how to fold laundry correctly just to get out of doing it. Part of me feels like that's what I'm dealing with and part of me feels like my expectations are just too high. He won't bathe dd because "it makes him nervous". He'd rather I dress her because "he didn't know what matches". I do the laundry because "he can't fold all those tiny clothes". I do meal prep because "finger foods scare him". For him there's a reason for everything. I'm not sure how much is legit. But I also know it needs to get done so I just do it.

lrichmond86 · May 2014

Oh, there is definitely some anxiety going on with him (says my therapist who helps me manage my own anxiety disorder), but he'll never admit it. He's the strong not- so - silent type lol. I didn't mean for this to sound complain -y. If this is how it had to be I'm ok with it. I just need to get used to the idea. Like I said, He's a good dad and I'm glad he and dd hand that connection.

thegoodpotato · May 2014

I'm definitely the not fun parent. I'm finding we are falling into the same roles my parents had. I'm the disciplinarian and DH is the fun guy. I do chores, he goes to work and is worshipped when he gets home.

I do some fun things with the kids, but DH is definitely favoured. Not that he doesn't do stuff around the house, but we just easily fall into gender roles. I cook/clean/laundry/discipline. He works/plays/uses loud tools (lawn mower, weed whacker, power tools, etc). We're pretty comfortable with it.

It does bother me a little that they're going to see me more like I saw my mom - strict disciplinarian that does chores all day. But if I'm going to get stuff done AND raise kids, que sera, sera. I'm fun sometimes. And you don't always have to be your kid's friend.

PrimRoseMama · May 2014

lrichmond86 said:
Oh, there is definitely some anxiety going on with him (says my therapist who helps me manage my own anxiety disorder), but he'll never admit it. He's the strong not- so - silent type lol. I didn't mean for this to sound complain -y. If this is how it had to be I'm ok with it. I just need to get used to the idea. Like I said, He's a good dad and I'm glad he and dd hand that connection.

I understand feeling nervous, but what does he think you do? Just being mom doesn't make you HAM (hard as a mutha) & immune to nerves etc.

Why not give him one or two jobs just to try? Tell him it doesn't have to be perfect but he needs to learn.

EagleWife · May 2014

NKaeding said:

My cousin's husband was also weird about the clothes, so she organized it for him. She would rubberband outfits together and stored them in drawers marked by occassion "daycare," "backyard," "dress outfits," "church," etc. It took the guesswork out of it, so he felt comfortable dressing the kid.

@NKaeding, this is a great idea

EagleWife · May 2014

lrichmond86 said:

Oh, there is definitely some anxiety going on with him (says my therapist who helps me manage my own anxiety disorder), but he'll never admit it. He's the strong not- so - silent type lol. I didn't mean for this to sound complain -y. If this is how it had to be I'm ok with it. I just need to get used to the idea. Like I said, He's a good dad and I'm glad he and dd hand that connection.

@lrichmond86 - it's awesome that he is bonding with your girl. I think a lot of times guys just don't notice that things need to be done. You are are not alone in that at all.

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