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Anyone else not breast feeding? I feel like a bad mummy

alisonmoosealisonmoose member
in 3rd Trimester
So i'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I already feel like a bad mum because I won't be breast feeding. It's not because I don't want to but i'm on medication for anxiety that won't allow it, there was talk right at the beginning about me coming off the tablets but they have changed my life completely and I couldn't be without them, so as a family and with my midwife and doctor we decided that a healthy mum was better for baby than breast feeding but me being mentally unwell.

I picked up some Formula a few days ago in the supermarket and read the back of the tin as i'm not sure the best one to buy as a substitute for breast milk, and even on the tin it said how mothers should breastfeed and listed the benefits, I put it back on the shelf and came away feeling like a faliure.

My husband keeps telling me that I need my medication and how important it is that I stay on it to be healthy, but I'm worried i'll be putting babys health at risk by not breast feeding, and already thinking about being on the ward with all the other breast feeding mothers while i'm there with the bottle worrying about others judging me.

Has anyone else been in the same boat?
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Re: Anyone else not breast feeding? I feel like a bad mummy

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  • danalawrencedanalawrence member
    @ILoveRunning - great site recommendation! Personal anecdotes too. I was 100% formula fed, 34 years ago. Turned out great, if I do say so myself. (Kidding bragulous kidding ... Lol). Please don't worry.
    D (34), J (37) and T3 (ages 2, 2 and brand new)
    Nov '10: IVF#1: BFP! Girl. Missed m/c at 14 weeks. Devastated
    Apr '11: IVF#2: BFP! Twin Girls born on Dec 3, 2011 at 31w5d! One month in NICU.
    Oct '13: IVF#3: BFP! Girl born Jun 19, 2014 at 38w3d!
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  • alisonmoosealisonmoose member
    Thanks guys.

    I was actually worried about posting because I know how some mums are all "Breast is best" and get judgmental when women choose not to breast feed, whatever the reason.

    I know I have to keep my health at the forefront, it's just everything is all about breast feeding. We have to go to antenatal classes where it's all about breast feeding, and even though it's in my pregnancy notes, I'm still getting midwives and health workers telling me about the benefits, not one has explained about Formula which is why we haven't bought any yet.

    I do worry what people will think in the hospital when i'm there with the bottle but i know how important it is for baby that i'm healthy and can take good care of him.
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  • hminer4hminer4 member
    Although I totally agree that "breast is best" and have personally been and continue to be a breast-feeder I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Do what is best for your baby. It sounds like you have been super diligent in coming to the best decision for you and your family. Your baby will do fine with formula. My MIL (who is a nurse) said that medical guidance as to formula vs. BM changed in the middle of her having 4 kids so the first 2 were formula fed and the later 2 were breastfed. I can assure you that they all turned out just fine.
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  • naturaloaklandmamanaturaloaklandmama member
    I just wanted to let you know that I like @danalawrence was completely formula fed. I was adopted at birth so no real option for anything else. And I too am perfectly fine -- have no food allergies or any other medical issues at all. And the formula now is WAY better than it even was back then. You have nothing to worry about. You are doing the right thing by you, by your family, and thus by your baby. Your baby will be well fed and well loved and htat is all that matters. Best of luck!
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    My supply tanked with DD so she was formula fed. She is fine. I do understand the feelings, but at the same time healthy mama = healthy baby. You have to do what's right for you.

    DS is still BF, but I fully support all methods of feeding. The kid will be fine & most importantly so will you. You are a good mother.


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  • jnnfrrose6jnnfrrose6 member
    PrimRoseMama said:
    Similac sensitive (the orange top) was our go-to. We also used tap lukewarm water & stirred (vs. shake). It made less foam. DD did fine. I've given DS some (well H did when I was out of town for a family emergency) & he was hesitant. He eventually did formula for a week just fine & went right back to the breast. If you need to make a card for your bed side that says "I understand the benefits of breast milk. I am on medication that requires I formula feed." This worked for my mom-friend when she had to FF her third. Have the talk with all nurses on staff when you are there. Many are required to "check off" that they've explained things to you. So, as I understand it, they don't do it to be pushy but to satisfy protocol especially in "baby friendly (read: BF supported)" hospitals. Good luck. When I FF'd I got grief from BF moms/nurses. When I BF'd I got grief from others who took issue with NIP & when they think I should wean. There is no blanket right answer where you can "win". Just what works for your family.
    The bolded is great advice for the hospital!  
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    I agree that breastfeeding is the best nutrition, and if possible, I think moms should try breastfeeding.

    But there are totally legitimate reasons for moms to choose not to breastfeed, and you have to do what's best for you and baby.  Yes, breastmilk may be good nutrition for baby, but an unhappy depressed mom without medication is NOT good for baby.  You need to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself, not let others pressure/guilt you.

    Every woman should be given the proper resources and support to breastfeed, but that doesn't mean you're a bad mommy if you can't for whatever reason!  
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  • boymomstrongboymomstrong member
    Sorry i did not read all the comments, but have you considered donor milk? I know you can usually get breast milk donated if you really want to give breast milk, and maybe that would cut the issue of formula out???

    I think your going to be a great mom and as long as baby is fed your doing the right thing! Good luck!

    Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
    All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!

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  • brachysirabrachysira member
    Even if everyone here did say you were bad, you know what is best for you.  Just read up on formula.  Get the big plastic containers of powder and perhaps use glass bottles. Sign up for coupons online. Finding a medication that actually helps you is so great, and I wouldn't want to mess with it.  I'm not even convinced that breastfeeding is better, given a recent study.  You can still feed your baby skin to skin and bond in all the ways new moms do.
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  • loulou182loulou182 member
    That doesn't make you a bad mom! What makes you a good mom is that you're feeding your baby. As long as baby gets fed, who cares how.
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  • UAallison83UAallison83 member
    Why...WHY do people care so much how you plan on feeding your child?!?!  I get this from complete strangers and just can't understand how it is any of their business personally.  One thing I've learned is that people are going to have opinions no matter your choices.  I plan on using breast milk, but am not in love with the idea of breast feeding.  I plan on exclusively pumping.  Even though baby will be receiving breast milk, I've gotten nasty comments on my choice of milk delivery.  

    There will always be people who think they know more than you and know better than you.  Brush them off and know that you being healthy is always a better option.  I second several PP when they said that simply because you are so worried about it lets me know you will be a GREAT mom and will put in the research it takes to make sure you give the best care to your babe.  

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  • alisonmoosealisonmoose member
    Thank you all again for your encouragement and support.

    I  am happy about the fact that my husband can have skin to skin contact with our son while he feeds, especially as he just gets 2 weeks paternity leave from work, so for them to have that way of bonding in those first few weeks is very important to us, I suppose alot of dads feel left out of that mother baby bonding process over feeding, so this way of feeding baby has a huge bonus, plus it means if i'm tired and need to rest then my husband can take charge of feeding as apposed to baby relying on me for breast feeding.


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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    MrsMuq said:
    monkeysip said:
    I agree that breastfeeding is the best nutrition, and if possible, I think moms should try breastfeeding.

    But there are totally legitimate reasons for moms to choose not to breastfeed, and you have to do what's best for you and baby.  Yes, breastmilk may be good nutrition for baby, but an unhappy depressed mom without medication is NOT good for baby.  You need to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself, not let others pressure/guilt you.

    Every woman should be given the proper resources and support to breastfeed, but that doesn't mean you're a bad mommy if you can't for whatever reason!  
    The bolded statements in your post just rubbed me the wrong way. It sounds like you think that there are only some "legitimate" reasons not to BF and other reasons are BS.

    Some moms choose not to breastfeed for non-medical reasons. That doesn't make them bad moms.

    Why not just support all healthy feeding choices instead of demonizing a woman's personal choice for her family?
    To be completely honest, I do think that the benefits of breastmilk over formula mean that "I just don't want to" is not a really good reason not to breastfeed.

    That's my opinion... sue me.

    BUT that doesn't mean that only "medical" reasons are "legitimate".  It could be that breastfeeding is too difficult, or that the woman works and doesn't want to have to pump.  Or other reasons.  I think those are legitimate reasons too. I wasn't trying to say that only medical reasons are legitimate, but obviously OP's concerns are medical.
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  • brachysirabrachysira member
    UAallison83 said:
    Why...WHY do people care so much how you plan on feeding your child?!?!  I get this from complete strangers and just can't understand how it is any of their business personally.  One thing I've learned is that people are going to have opinions no matter your choices.  I plan on using breast milk, but am not in love with the idea of breast feeding.  I plan on exclusively pumping.  Even though baby will be receiving breast milk, I've gotten nasty comments on my choice of milk delivery.  

    There will always be people who think they know more than you and know better than you.  Brush them off and know that you being healthy is always a better option.  I second several PP when they said that simply because you are so worried about it lets me know you will be a GREAT mom and will put in the research it takes to make sure you give the best care to your babe.  

    I know some people exclusively pump, but from experience, it is really hard!  I did it for about a month while my preemie figured out breastfeeding.  It took so long because you had to pump, feed, wash pump supplies, repeat.  It was all I did.  A dishwasher box for little items and at least one extra set of pump parts really helps.  Once I was able to breastfeed, it was so much easier because there were not tons of dishes all the time, I did not have to spend time pumping, and I did not have to prepare bottles in the middle of the night.  I know you don't want comments, but I just wanted to give you my experience because it was really, really hard and I wouldn't want someone else to go through that unless they really were sure that was the best choice.
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  • BBColt78BBColt78 member
    monkeysip said:
    MrsMuq said:
    monkeysip said:
    I agree that breastfeeding is the best nutrition, and if possible, I think moms should try breastfeeding.

    But there are totally legitimate reasons for moms to choose not to breastfeed, and you have to do what's best for you and baby.  Yes, breastmilk may be good nutrition for baby, but an unhappy depressed mom without medication is NOT good for baby.  You need to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself, not let others pressure/guilt you.

    Every woman should be given the proper resources and support to breastfeed, but that doesn't mean you're a bad mommy if you can't for whatever reason!  
    The bolded statements in your post just rubbed me the wrong way. It sounds like you think that there are only some "legitimate" reasons not to BF and other reasons are BS.

    Some moms choose not to breastfeed for non-medical reasons. That doesn't make them bad moms.

    Why not just support all healthy feeding choices instead of demonizing a woman's personal choice for her family?
    To be completely honest, I do think that the benefits of breastmilk over formula mean that "I just don't want to" is not a really good reason not to breastfeed.

    That's my opinion... sue me.

    BUT that doesn't mean that only "medical" reasons are "legitimate".  It could be that breastfeeding is too difficult, or that the woman works and doesn't want to have to pump.  Or other reasons.  I think those are legitimate reasons too. I wasn't trying to say that only medical reasons are legitimate, but obviously OP's concerns are medical.
    I don't want to at all. No legitimate reason here. I don't want to.

    OP, I know about the pressure you speak of. It pretty much put me over the edge when I had a difficult time BF DD #1. The pressure that people put on is just incredible.

    There is a formula feeding group if you'd like to join. You have to click on the "private group" clicky on the top right of the screen. The group is called Formula Feeders Unite. The Bump doesn't have a public formula board. The girls there are very helpful (as they have been here) and can maybe give you specific advice for specific situations. I've had a few concerns myself and they were very helpful.

    GL to you. You are NOT a bad person :)
    IVF #1- BFP- DD 4/8/2011
    FET #1- 3BB and 3B-B
    Beta #1 (4w0d)- 504
    Beta #2 (4w4d)- 4,577
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    Also, put me in the "just not wanting to" as a valid answer. Feed your kids people.


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  • dschneider1583dschneider1583 member
    I tried breastfeeding DS #1 and it was horrible and I hated it. We weren't bonding and he wasn't gaining weight. It was terrible. We switched to formula.

    I am now pregnant with DS #2 and will be going right to formula feeding not even attempting to breast feed. No reason I just don't want to.

    How a mom feeds her child is her decision, no judgement necessary.

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  • AMcLawsAMcLaws member
    I didn't BF DD1. Girl is super healthy, hardly ever gets sick, very smart, has a fantastic bond with me, etc. I will not be BFing this one either. My reasonings aren't even medically necessary, as yours are. I work full time, and i have to return to work ASAP after giving birth (will be 9 weeks, probably). I have nowhere at my work to pump, and quite frankly, I wouldn't have the time to do it. I would rather FF from the beginning, and not worry about weaning from breast to bottle after a few short weeks.

    A healthy momma is by far most important for baby. I agree that you need to stay on your meds. Do you have a pediatrician yet? Maybe ask him/her for formula recommendations?
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  • ljs4117ljs4117 member
    Everything is risk vs benefit in the medical field.. Seems like the benefit of you staying on your meds greatly outweighs whatever "risk" there might be of FF (risk isn't exactly the right word but ykwim) instead of BF. I know how difficult it is for your body to adjust to different medications and from my understanding pretty much any med you take ends up in your BM to some degree.. I wouldn't personally mess with something that I know works for me and improves my ability to function. Don't feel guilty about your decision. It is your choice to make and formula is NOT bad for your child. Your child will not be less intelligent or developed because they didn't get breastmilk. What would be bad for your child is to let a mental disorder take over your life and affect your ability to bond. You're doing the right thing momma.. And kudos to you for getting help for your anxiety. It's a hard step to take :)
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  • IrishTravelerIrishTraveler member
    I FF right off the bat the first time, and I will this time, too. I just don't have a desire to BF. DS is thriving and healthy, so it has turned out okay for us.
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  • flerlgirlflerlgirl member
    I will add my $.02 and say that with DS, it was too emotionally stressful to BF after a while. I quit voluntarily. He was a NICU kid and I felt so guilty that he wouldn't get breast milk. But that kid would eat a stick if I gave it to him and he has done really well on formula. We used Similac (neosure and then advance).

    And as far as what other people think - this is just the first of many decisions regarding your child that people will think they have a right to judge you for. Discipline, education, manners - prepare yourself for people to be idiots. Do what you feel is best for your family and keep your head up. This is a good time to learn to ignore other people.





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  • NADA-HNADA-H member
    you are definitely not a bad mother. a healthy mother is definitely better than a breast feeding mom who is unwell.

    my aunt went through the same situation because she was on Epilepsy control medication. It was best for her to not breast feed and I'm glad she didn't. On the days that she goes lower on her dose or forget to take a pill she gets really bad seizures. With the medication she is perfectly fine, her son only found out she has it now at the age of 15 because she lowered the dose and had a seizure while he was there.

    Imagine what would have happened had she gotten a seizure while breast feeding?!
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  • haylo33haylo33 member
    I've already had my LO, but when I was pregnant, I worried so much about BFing. I would have dreams about it. I really regret putting so much pressure on myself. It worked out that I was able to BF, but I told myself right at the end of the pregnancy that I needed to stop being hard on myself and if it didn't work out that it was OK. I feel like some people need to Stop BFing for their sanity. A happy mom makes a happy baby... Breast fed or not
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  • Kate2007Kate2007 member
    Another lurker here posting only because I believe so strongly that it's no woman's place to judge another woman for how she feeds her baby, particularly when the OP is making a decision that is clearly in the best interests of her family.  The culture of shame that has been built up around not breastfeeding strikes me as a serious problem for women today (particularly working women), especially when the medical benefits have not been clearly established -- or at least the degree to which breastfeeding is more beneficial is vague at best.  Consider this article:


    As another more anecdotal point, consider how many of those in our generation were formula fed and have turned out fine -- and that was with the formula chemistry of 30 years ago.  Formula has come a long way since then.  I'm not saying it's better than breastfeeding -- just that so many factors are at play in this decision that it is certainly a personal one with no clear "right" or "wrong" answer.
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  • reecespieces714reecespieces714 member

    I am pro-choice.  Every woman has the right to decide how they feed their children.  Breast feeding is not a moral imperative.  Feeding one's child is. 

    I am not BreastF-ing this baby and the reason is: because I made the decision not to breastfeed. The factors I weighed in making my decision are not anyone's business; no matter whether they were medical, moral, social, emotional, logistical etc or any combination thereof.

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  • allrightmeowallrightmeow member
    Empireceo said:
    The posters chiming in basically saying "I think breast is best but what you're doing is fine too" are really annoying me. The OP is making an informed decision about what is best for her family and is already feeling the bs societal guilt, but pile on if you must. OP, you can sign up at formula company websites to receive samples and coupons. That might be a good way to try a couple different options and see what works for you. Good luck.
    It doesn't sound like anyone who said anything about breast feeding is trying to guilt OP.  My friend's sister confided in me that seeing me BF my DD made her want to push harder to BF her DS.  She struggled with it because of milk supply.  I told her that she shouldn't beat herself up and that formula was a safe alternative and that she should do what was best for her and her sanity.  She started formula feeding shortly there after when she still was unable to get her supply up.  I didn't continue to BF in front of her when she was around because I was trying to make her feel some kind of way.  I did it because it was how I decided to feed my kid and I was nothing but supportive in the way she decided to feed hers.  


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  • rainydayluckrainydayluck member
    I FF both DD1 and DD2 because I simply didn't want to breastfeed. They are both doing fantastic. We used Simulac for DD1 and are using Enfamil with DD2, personally, I like Enfamil better, but you may end up having to try different ones before finding one that works for your LO. Don't stock up on formula since your LO may need certain formula (DD1 had to have high calorie formula initially). Also, the fearless formula feeder site and Facebook page are great.
    Make sure to read up on things to do to dry up your milk. In the hospital, don't be afraid to take the good pain meds for the breast engorgement pain. Get some breast pads (I like the ones with adhesives) for the leaking. Also make sure you have a tight sports bra to wear after your milk comes in.

    I love having my body back to myself and have no regrets or shame about formula feeding.

    DD1: IUGR, low AFI delivered at 36 weeks

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