SIL's BF at the hopsital?

Amatadei16 · May 2014

Highlights: SIL's boyfriend, whom we don't like, wants to be at the hospital. We don't want him there. Is it worth it to cause drama by telling him he isn't welcome?

Details: Last night, my husband's family all went out to celebrate a birthday. While my husband and my SIL's boyfriend were walking to the go get the cars to pull them around for us, SIL's boyfriend started asking my husband about his pending fatherhood, if he was nervous, etc. and eventually snuck the bombshell into the conversation-- he wants to visit the hospital for our son's birth. My husband, not a great thinker-on-the-feet, panicked and said ok.

The thing is, neither of us like this kid and we don't want him there. He's been in the picture for less than a year and is already overly familiar (and keeps telling me how I'm going to go two weeks over my due date so our son can share a birthday with him-- because obviously that's what you tell a pregnant woman). As a general rule, I'm not all that comfortable having an audience while I'm laying in a hospital bed, body all jacked up from labor, riding the crazy postpartum hormone ride but, of course, would not begrudge our parents or siblings the opportunity to visit and meet the new addition. However, none of our other family or friends (with whom we are very close) will be visiting us at the hospital but, instead, will be waiting until we get settled at home and are welcoming visitors. So to then imagine this kid that we don't even like, who always talks too much and shares his opinions far too freely at the hospital while I am in that delicate situation, meeting our son before our actual loved ones do... Well, it has me seeing red.

The problem is that SIL is incredibly immature and selfish and has, throughout my relationship with her family, caused always major drama (biggest example was when we asked that she not bring her last douche of a boyfriend, who had only been in the picture for three months, to our rehearsal dinner for our wedding and she flipped out and then, in retaliation, went MIA from the rehearsal dinner and through the morning of the wedding-- as a bridesmaid). My in-laws, her included, have already inadvertently sucked much of the joy out of this special time in our lives because they want to dictate the terms of our son's birth and life and I just hate to allow SIL one more opportunity to cause us more stress. I don't want this to turn into another "rehearsal dinner" debacle when we are trying so hard to cling to the joy of having our first child.

So my question is, is it worth the fight to tell her and her boyfriend that he is not welcome at the hospital or should we just let her bring him and grin and bear it? For those who have given birth before, how did you feel having people tromping through your postpartum room? Is it one of those things that, in ten years from now, I'm not going to care who was there or should we stand our ground on this one? And, if we should stand our ground, any suggestions on what/how we should say it?

tbarker14 · May 2014

I would do what the previous post said. Tell them you can't have visitors or just tell them that since the rest of the family will be visiting at a later date they will have to wait until then.
I am a FTM expecting in sept. But I wouldn't want people who I don't like or am not comfortable with around at the hospital. Remember it's a special time for you and your DH to bond with your LO.
Just tell them you will not have any visitors or just tell them it's a hospital policy. Then make sure you tell the hospital to back your wishes up. From what I've heard most nurses will be your best friend with keeping unwanted visitors out of the room.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

I wish that were an option but MIL already called the hospital and got the skinny on all their visitor rules (four in at a time, no one under 12 but siblings, noon to eight pm) and shared them with everyone (this after we asked that they please stay home until after the baby is born and we let them know we are welcome to them visiting... "What do you MEAN?! I'm not ALLOWED to be at the hospital?!" Oh yes, it's that kind of family-- doesn't matter that they didn't make the kid and won't be the ones laboring to bring him into this world, they have a stake in this and they intend to "get theirs").

So he (and SIL) already knows that the hospital would allow him access. Le sigh.

Justabean3 · May 2014

You just say I don't want visitors except immediate family until we return home so I have a chance to sleep and bond with the baby. If I feel comfortable then we will call and allow others.

However if your SIL is invited and boyfriend is her boyfriend then I suggest none or both.

ncbelle · May 2014

I would have no problem saying "we'd rather wait to have visitors once we are home" - there's absolutely no need for anyone to visit you at the hospital, much less someone you don't care for!

And totally have DH deal with it

GinnyJ2012 · May 2014

You can always have the nurses tell them that you can't have visitors or are limited to only a few minutes due to medical reasons.

I only allowed visitors the next day after I had showered and was more settled. I also only had people stay for about 15 minutes or so because that's all I was up for. Labor and delivery makes you tired!

AMcLaws · May 2014

I agree with PP. Have DH tell them that he hadn't discussed it with you first, and you'd rather wait to have visitors until AFTER you're home. AND TELL THE NURSES THAT. My friend had a crazy drama fest around her birth, so she said no to any and all visitors. Told the nurses "please don't allow any visitors to our room", and they turned away everyone that attempted to show up anyway.

When I had DD1, my (step)mom showed up 30 minutes prior to my csection with her mom (who hates me), little brothers gf, and Gf's best friend. An old coworker showed up as well. Brought them into my room. They were the first people I saw when I was wheeled back into my recovery room. And my old coworker had taken pics of DD and posted them to FB, tagging me, before I'd even had a chance to hold her. I was seeing red!!

So while I don't mind visitors coming (it certainly helps pass the time, for me!), we've decided not to tell anyone except parents/siblings the date & time of my RCS. Our parents will be there while I'm in surgery. Siblings will wait until after I'm in PP.

lookame3639 · May 2014

If my in laws overstepped boundaries like yours did, I would be tempted to tell them you and your husband would like for everyone to wait until you are home to see the baby. If you feel up for visitors at the hospital then you'll call them but until then you aren't up for them being there. I mean anyone...including the boyfriend and the in laws. When you over step my boundaries then you don't get the privilege to see the baby. I would have your husband draw a line with them first and if they don't get it then it's time you step in and draw a deeper line. If push comes to shove i would alert the nurses and not mention to them you are in labor. Just because the hospital has a certain policy doesn't mean you after going through labor and delivery don't have a policy that works for you.

As a side note as soon as DS was born ex ran out and called everyone into the room and they spent the entire time handing him off from person to person. I just gave birth and didn't get to hold him until after he cameback from his bath. Then the hospital wanted me to breastfeed immediatly while everyone stared at me...

caballablanca · May 2014

I would have dh talk to his family. Nurses also don't mind turning people away. Their concern is you, if you aren't up for it they will gladly do your dirty work! Even if they accept that they can't be there to dh, I would still tell nurses in case they decide to just show up anyways.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

Oh ladies, I would loooooove to put my foot down, my inlaws and their feelings be damned. But then it would impact my family, who are nice, normal people who have been nothing but respectful and supportive throughout this whole thing. If I put my foot down and say no visitors period, then my parents and brother would be included in that and they have already put up with enough crap where my inlaws are concerned (even told my DH that his parents could come visit first because his mom was pitching a fit about who would see the baby first and, as my mom put it, we'll all have a lifetime of getting to spend time with the little guy so if MIL is going to make life miserable over the issue, then she can go in first). Otherwise, heck, I'd hire a bouncer!

Out of curiosity, do others feel the way one poster does-- that if my SIL comes, we have to let her BF come (a la wedding rules)?

glreding · May 2014

The real question is whether it's worth it to you to not have unwanted visitors and/or have others throw a fit if they don't get their way. A PP is right, the reason this behavior continues is because it works. We all continue to do something as long as it works and change when it stops working (in most cases). Are you okay with them owning their own emotions and behaviors? In other words, if you are doing something you've thought about and consider reasonable, are you okay with them getting mad or would it really bother you? It's not about them. It's about you and your husband and what the two of you want at that time.

allrightmeow · May 2014

Amatadei16 said:

Oh ladies, I would loooooove to put my foot down, my inlaws and their feelings be damned. But then it would impact my family, who are nice, normal people who have been nothing but respectful and supportive throughout this whole thing. If I put my foot down and say no visitors period, then my parents and brother would be included in that and they have already put up with enough crap where my inlaws are concerned (even told my DH that his parents could come visit first because his mom was pitching a fit about who would see the baby first and, as my mom put it, we'll all have a lifetime of getting to spend time with the little guy so if MIL is going to make life miserable over the issue, then she can go in first). Otherwise, heck, I'd hire a bouncer! Out of curiosity, do others feel the way one poster does-- that if my SIL comes, we have to let her BF come (a la wedding rules)?

No. You pushed a person out of your vagina. You have a right to say who you want to be there. Grow a set and tell these people to shove off. This is about you, your husband and your baby. Screw pleasing EVERYONE. They'll get over it or they'll miss out and if they miss out, that's not your problem.

caballablanca · May 2014

To answer your question I would absolutely not want bf there and I would make it known. I also wouldn't have a problem telling sil no to any plus ones at my wedding. Like others say, have dh talk to them. It's his family after all. And just in case let the nurses know in case they still won't respect your wishes.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

DH has def struggled with finding the balance where his mom and sister are concerned (his dad is mellow to a fault). And, to his credit, he has made tremendous strides to put her in her place. For a while, I thought he wasn't doing enough but, as I have gotten to know my MIL, I have realized that he is making an effort but MIL and SIL are horribly manipulative-- they'll cry and lament whenever he calls them on their crap or tries to put them in their place and then they keep doing the same old crap. Still, you are right, we still are trying to figure out the best way to establish and protect our boundaries and it starts with him.

I guess for me, I'm just sick of the drama, of them turning what should be a joyous event (especially since we battled infertility for quite some time to get to this point) into something contentious. She pitched a fit when we told her we aren't baptizing our son, when we told them that we would like everyone to stay home until we are ready to accept visitors (rather than have people waiting in the waiting room and then "storming the castle" while we are still having private family time and while I'm still getting cleaned up), when we declined the use of the cradle she used with my DH, etc. So for me, this issue is less about finding that line or putting her in her place (although there is PLENTY of need for that) than it is choosing if I even want to create this drama in the first place. With much angst and drama and frustration, we can fight this fight but is it worth it for those who have gone through this process before?

ljs4117 · May 2014

aggiecyd said:
It would absolutely be worth causing drama, in my opinion. I wouldn't be as nice as PPs. Being "nice" & not standing up for yourself and setting clear boundaries allows this behavior to continue & escalate. They act this way because it works.
If my MIL had called the hospital to check on visiting hours, you bet she & DH would be having a discussion re: hospital policy vs. our policy on visitation. If they didn't appear to respect that, I'd tell hospital staff no visitors at all. Your family will not die if they don't get to see the baby immediately.
I'd have the knock-down drag out fight now and be done with it. I have no time for drama in my life or placating other people who clearly do not respect me or my family. Even if they are immediate family.
Boundaries and self-respect are healthy & will save you a lifetime of people interfering in all aspects of your life. What will you do when MIL takes your LO for their first haircut, or trip to see Santa, or other parental milestone just because she felt she had the right? Rip off the band-aid & end it now. Unless you want SILs boyfriend lifting your sheets to see your episiotomy.

All of this. The intrusive behavior will only get worse. They need to realize that they must respect your wishes when it comes to your child and that it is a privilege to spend time with him/her, not their right. They also should know that DH and you are a united front on this. It will be important when it comes to them caring for your child, should this be in the future.

cMichelle0423 · May 2014

DH and I (mainly me) don't want any visitors at all. At the end of the day, it's up to you who you do and don't want around while you're at the hospital. DH and i are avoiding the "drama" by not even telling anyone when I go into labor. *except my MIL who will NEED to know because she's watching DS1 for us).

Mally2011 · May 2014

I would just tell everyone, your family and his, that you are going to wait and see how you feel after the baby is born to determine how many/how often visitors are welcome, and that everyone has to call or text your husband prior to coming to the hospital to see if you are up for visitors. Don't want the BF to visit? Tell him that it's not a good time when he calls. Want your parents there? Invite them as soon as you feel up to it after the baby is born.

apmom · May 2014

If you give birth vaginally, generally you aren't in the hospital that long. Ask them to wait until you are home because that time in the hospital is really about learning: to nurse, to swaddle, your new baby's routine etc.
just say immediate fam only, because honestly the hospital doesn't want a revolving door of guests either.

brachysira · May 2014

I wouldn't even tell them you had a baby when you are at the hospital. Go home, then call them. Tell them--oh, yeah, sorry, it all happened very quickly. I do not know why either you or DH maintain a relationship with these people at all. If this is how they act about a birth, how will the act about choices you make with the child? Do you want these people interfering with your parenting? In general, I am all about being drama free and avoiding making self-pleasing demands. However, when you find yourself making such choices on a regular basis with the same people, you need to stop the drama at an earlier point. If their relationships with DH is manipulative, demanding, overly involved in his personal decision-making...then DH needs to meet with a therapist to learn how to clearly establish boundaries, which may mean cutting them off for a while or forever.

Disneygeek77 · May 2014

Look, MIL and SIL aren't stupid. They know you and DH are pushovers and they know what they have to do in order to get exactly what they want. They have learned that when they throw a tantrum, they get what they want. They are no different than a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle that has learned " When I throw a fit, mommy and daddy will get me what I want."

So sure have the BF come, but don't be surprised when they pull the same crap when you are at home, or on Christmas morning, on on the baby's first birthday, or when they decide they are taking your baby to the zoo for the first time, or it's first haircut. I mean really what are you going to do ? Give them real consequences like not seeing you guys anymore. Ha ha, yeah right. They know you don't have the guts to do something like that. They know you will probably cry a bit, complain but you will continue to tolerate their behavior for as long as they please. They got you both by the balls.

Listen, you are about to be a mama soon, so you have to channel that inner mama bear. Do what is best for yourself and your own little family and not what is best for selfish adults. Tell SIL you aren't comfortable with her BF being there. I mean really what is the worst that will happen ? Will the earth stop spinning on it's axis because SIL is mad ? No, she will probably pout and moan and complain, which you can ignore. She will probably send nasty texts and emails, again which you can ignore. MIL will try to guilt trip you, which you can ignore. All of it you can ignore if you choose. If they miss out on the experience of seeing their grandchild, that is their choosing.

AMcLaws · May 2014

Maybe just say "grandparents only" at the hospital. But even then, I can see BF & SIL tagging along just because. As a PP said, if you deliver vaginally, you probably won't be there very long anyway. Then you can invite guests to your home in your own time. Really, you just have to put your foot down. That's the only way their behavior is going to stop.

chloephoebecali · May 2014

Personally, I would rather deal with him in the room for a short visit than have all the drama that would ensue from not, especially with postpartum hormones. I can't stand drama. I think going forward your Dh needs to deal with them and put his foot down and not the blame on you. I think in 10 years they will remember your family saw baby and not them versus you remember the one jerk that sil insisted on having visit. As for your inlaws, your Dh needs to respond as we not you. Such as WE do not want cradle instead of putting it on you. You need to be a united front or let him take the full blame. They will be more forgiving of him.

katekat8721 · May 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

Look, MIL and SIL aren't stupid. They know you and DH are pushovers and they know what they have to do in order to get exactly what they want. They have learned that when they throw a tantrum, they get what they want. They are no different than a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle that has learned " When I throw a fit, mommy and daddy will get me what I want."

So sure have the BF come, but don't be surprised when they pull the same crap when you are at home, or on Christmas morning, on on the baby's first birthday, or when they decide they are taking your baby to the zoo for the first time, or it's first haircut. I mean really what are you going to do ? Give them real consequences like not seeing you guys anymore. Ha ha, yeah right. They know you don't have the guts to do something like that. They know you will probably cry a bit, complain but you will continue to tolerate their behavior for as long as they please. They got you both by the balls.

Listen, you are about to be a mama soon, so you have to channel that inner mama bear. Do what is best for yourself and your own little family and not what is best for selfish adults. Tell SIL you aren't comfortable with her BF being there. I mean really what is the worst that will happen ? Will the earth stop spinning on it's axis because SIL is mad ? No, she will probably pout and moan and complain, which you can ignore. She will probably send nasty texts and emails, again which you can ignore. MIL will try to guilt trip you, which you can ignore. All of it you can ignore if you choose. If they miss out on the experience of seeing their grandchild, that is their choosing.

https://media2.giphy.com/media/37Ez5CZ8P0jSM/giphy.gif

You know how you feel about this, you just keep posting in circles asking "is it worth the fight, the drama, blah blah?" Answer: YES. You are setting the stage here and now on how you want this relationship to work with your son.

You and DH need to grow a pair. Sometimes people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

DH is going to talk to his sister (and mom if it comes to it with the drama) and let her/them know that the BF is not welcome at the hospital and to reiterate the expectations for the three of them (MIL, FIL, SIL) when things go down (ie you will stay at home until we welcome you to visit and you will keep your visit brief). We are also going to have a safe word for me to use if I feel they are overstaying their welcome so he can sack up and kick them out.

ghostof5letters · May 2014

Just from reading your posts, and your "is it worth it?" dribble, I can tell that there will be no improvement in this situation. None at all. You're a pushover and they know it.

foreverapartofme · May 2014

Honestly, you need to set clear limits. My DH and I decided we did not want anyone in the hospital while I was in labor/giving birth and I don't regret it. Also, if this is your first, you don't know how you are going to feel. One of my girlfriends was so ill after giving birth and she did not want anyone down there at all. The day after I gave birth, I welcomed immediate family only and everyone else was allowed to visit once we went home. Don't be afraid to set limits. This is simply the first big event of your child's life. If you don't want SIL boyfriend at the hospital, then he simply should not be allowed to visit in the hospital. It is not being mean, but rather you are sticking up for your family and adjusting and learning what you can while you are in the hospital.

ness143 · May 2014

Laboring is already a very stressful situation. I had my DH asked people to leave my room with my first because I was getting too stressed out. There is absolutely no reason why you should have to cater to anyone else's feelings. Let her throw the fit!

After my first experience, I am not allowing anyone to sit and wait at the hospital this time around. We will call the necessary people when we are ready to have them come visit. Yes, I upset a couple of family members, but I really don't care!

Shelleybell · May 2014

you and your dh are pushovers- grow a set-- your baby, your rules.

Meery82 · May 2014

Fuck your ILs. They are the ones who are out of line. You and DH have to put them in their place NOW. If you think it's bad now, wait until the baby arrives. It's going to be 100 times worse. And it is 1000% worth it.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

Oh, I'm aware. Both MIL and SIL have been getting worse and worse as our marriage has progressed. We've already fought some tough battles with MIL where this baby is concerned (a while ago, I posted about MIL offering to cut back her work hours to help take care of LO-- that was a rough time but we fought the good fight and have a great DC set up and, while MIL continues to make snarky comments about it, we are in a good place there). I've already warned DH that he needs to preemptively address some potential issues before LO gets here because if she misbehaves while I'm riding the postpartum hormone train, I am not to be held responsible for what I say or do and he does NOT want that.

Disneygeek77 · May 2014

I'm glad he is trying to stand up more, just prepare yourself. I have a strong feeling that on the day of the birth, guess who will be showing up at the hospital even after you told him to stay home. Your ILS will probably be banking on the fact that you will be tired, overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than a peaceful visit, so they figure you will say " Screw it, let him in. I don't feel like dealing with it right now." As sad as it to say, I also have a feeling that when push comes to shove, your husband won't be much support either so the burden will be on you to enforce the boundaries you set in place. I know it will suck and I know it will be difficult and I also know it is sad that they would choose the first of your child to test your boundaries, but it simply has to happen. Like PPs have stated, if they know they can get to you at special times, well guess what is going to happen on Christmas, or on birthdays or on vacation. Yep, they will pull stunts like this.

Sit down and think about what you will do in that situation and come up with a response, both to your ILs and to your husband. Go over with your husband now that you expect his support when they inevitably test your rules and boundaries. Keep reminding yourself, when it comes to boundaries, the burden is not on others to follow them but it is on you to enforce them.

hpooh · May 2014

At the hospital I will deliver at and happen to work at you have the option of putting yourself as no publicity. Which means if anyone calls or shows up at the hospital and asks for you by name, they will be told we do not have a patient by that name. Then you tell the people who you do want what room you are in and they need to go directly to your room. No stopping at the nurses station asking for you by name but where is room such and such. I think this would work in your situation.

Truelove21 · May 2014

I agree with all PP. Crying and temper tantrums are childish and you need to ignore it. You don't have time for that nonsense. Also YOU aren't creating drama by saying NO. THEY are the ones creating the drama and being disrespectful. By giving in you are accepting and encouraging their childish behavior. Is this how you'll treat LO? Give in when he/she has a fit about candy or bed time? I know you don't wanna deal with it now but you need to draw the line asap and call them out on all their crap. When they start the baby stuff tell them you'll come back when they wanna act like adults. Don't be a push over.

Jolaine83 · May 2014

OMG, that would have me enraged. The whole family. Put your foot down now. If you are afraid they won't follow your wishes, then tell the nurses upon admittance to the hospital that you have family who you do not wish to have in the room without direct invitation from you alone. If you can't trust your husband not to bend, than he doesn't get a say. They can go look in the nursery window if he caves (they will not allow them in to touch the baby), but it's your body on display, you who just gave birth and you who will be recovering. You are the patient and your word is law. The nurses will see to that if you talk to them about it.

Like nearly everyone has said, end this now. Or you will be that person who comes back crying about your child getting baptized behind your back, having his or her hair cut for the first time without you, seeing Santa/Easter Bunny/etc without you, etc. These are all legit things that bumpies have dealt with. I would also not trust your ILs to have any time alone with your child until you know you can trust them to respect their wishes. This is not respect they are giving you at the moment, it is doing things their way. It's time to step up and make this your first act of protecting your child from the will of others.

Besides, what kind of punk kid actually wants to show up at his gf's SIL's hospital room after delivery? Who the hell even imposes that way at that age? I had trouble getting my older bachelor brother to come and he's an blood relative. It's a little weird.

Amatadei16 · May 2014

Jolaine83 said:
OMG, that would have me enraged. The whole family. Put your foot down now. If you are afraid they won't follow your wishes, then tell the nurses upon admittance to the hospital that you have family who you do not wish to have in the room without direct invitation from you alone. If you can't trust your husband not to bend, than he doesn't get a say. They can go look in the nursery window if he caves (they will not allow them in to touch the baby), but it's your body on display, you who just gave birth and you who will be recovering. You are the patient and your word is law. The nurses will see to that if you talk to them about it.

Like nearly everyone has said, end this now. Or you will be that person who comes back crying about your child getting baptized behind your back, having his or her hair cut for the first time without you, seeing Santa/Easter Bunny/etc without you, etc. These are all legit things that bumpies have dealt with. I would also not trust your ILs to have any time alone with your child until you know you can trust them to respect their wishes. This is not respect they are giving you at the moment, it is doing things their way. It's time to step up and make this your first act of protecting your child from the will of others.

Besides, what kind of punk kid actually wants to show up at his gf's SIL's hospital room after delivery? Who the hell even imposes that way at that age? I had trouble getting my older bachelor brother to come and he's an blood relative. It's a little weird.

We actually have had many a discussion in which I have brought up those specific fears (that MIL or SIL will overstep while with our LO) and how we will avoid and/or deal with it. DH goes back and forth, depending on the specific issue, as to whether to address it ahead of time or deal with it as they overstep. It's difficult to broach the subject of "we will never forgive you if you get our baby's hair cut without us." How does one set boundaries that seem common sense to normal people?

And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's weird that this kid wants to be there. I wasn't sure if it was just my dislike of him clouding my vision of the situation but yeah... Same thing with him perseverating on this idea that I am going to go a week late so that he and our son can share a birthday-- I'm like "who are YOU to my son, weirdo?!" Even the idea of him coming over to our house after we get home seems odd to me since he never comes over here. Like, I don't get why, when our relationship is based solely on the fact that he is dating my SIL, he is so up in our pregnancy/baby business.

Jolaine83 · May 2014

The birthday thing is one thing, but yeah, visiting the hospital seems odd to me. I've had a teenage daughter of my mom's friend obsess over my DD possibly sharing her bday, to the point where she kept messaging me on facebook about it telling me it was time to go into labor. Thankfully, I overshot her bday by one day and was induced the next. lol Kids that age obsess over details like that, but I've never know a non father who wanted to be there right after the birth of a child. One of DH's friends came to visit at the hospital, but it was the last day we were there, by request and he was already a father of two, so he wasn't as squeamish about the reality of it. That just seems odd to me with this kid.

As for bringing it up with your MIL/SIL about overstepping things, you can't quite frankly without insulting them. They don't see their behavior as unreasonable and often times when a family member steps out of bounds like that, they believe they have rights to the child that are equal to the parents. These are like the grandmas who threaten to sue for visitation rights after the falling out with a DIL. They are not logical boundaries to us, but to them, they are. That's why you have to stop allowing the behavior and reinstate boundaries you are comfortable with.

Like a PPer said, your DH needs to cut them off at the beginning of a tantrum/guilt trip and end the conversation. If they think they make a line in the sand into an open discussion, they will manipulate it to get what they want. That's why I would tell them your wishes and reinforce it with the nurses at the hospital. Because they will argue with you, cause drama and if you manage to hold them off on that point, they will still try to get their way by showing up anyway. Stories of that are all over the bump. The nurses will stand their ground and protect your wishes. If you are able to make them realize how that that won't work, than they will eventually start to listen to your wishes even if they are not in line with their own. It won't be immediate, but you have something they will want to stay in contact for - their grandchild/nephew. If you stay firm and don't even let your DH give on your wishes, than it will eventually get through to them. You control the contact with your son and if they want to have that contact, they will respect your wishes in the future. If they don't respect you, they wouldn't be the first grandparents who get only supervised visits with their grandchild.

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