is this a "common" question?!?

indianaalum · May 2014

Okay, so I am not sure what to think of something that happened today.

Background:

I have been at my job for over 10 years. I am 40 years old with multiple graduate degrees and a very established career in a profession. I got married last year and am now pregnant.

Story:

I announced to my female co-worker today that I was having a baby and her first question was "well what is your plan?" I said "well I will take the full maternity leave" and she goes "no, I mean long-term. Many women stay home with their babies. Is that your plan?"

Is that a common first question you get after you announce your pregnant?!?

I guess I was taken aback. I respect any woman who does stay home don't get my wrong, however, I am 40 years old in an established career. It never dawned on me that people would assume I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom because I finally got married and had a kid. I admit part of me feels like it was a 1950's question that assumed that I worked for the last twenty year waiting to get married and have a child. Part of me also thinks she was "hoping" I woud leave my job..

Pregnancy hormones? or a real reason to be annoyed at the question?!?

sunflowermama42212 · May 2014

I guess I just don't see a reason to be upset. It's not uncommon for women to stay at home with their children. She asked you what your plan was first and only asked if you were planning to be a SAHM after you didn't understand her question so I don't think she was assuming. Also if you are returning back to work she could have been curious what you would be planning to do for child care.

Everyone asked me what my plan was when I got pregnant and I explained that I was going to be a SAHM. I just never thought it was something to get offended over. Many times I would get advice on child care if I ever planned on returning to work, so I think it's just something people like talking about.

indianaalum · May 2014

I think it is more related to my age. I guess. I think it is more common for younger moms to stay home then someone who has been in their career for a long-time like I have I guess. I am 40, so taking several years off, and then attempting to return to the field would lead me to remain unemployed from a practical standpoint. Finding a job at almost 50 is way different than finding a job at 30.

Like I said, I respect stay at home mom's. It just wasn't something I thought people would think I would since I have worked at my job for so long.

I hope I didn't offend you!

lcloffredo · May 2014

Even being in my early to mid twenties with my last pregnancy and this one people ask it quite offen at work. I don't think it's offensive except when my grandma made a big huff about how I should be staying home now that there are twins on the way. When I said I carry the insurance she started making jokes about DH being a "stay at home mom". Grandma is lucky she lives far away cause woman would have gotten punched! (Disclaimer: I would never really punch her! But you can't blame a girl for her hormonal day dreams....)

sunflowermama42212 · May 2014

i am not offended. No worries

I also don't think you are being disrespectful to SAHMs. Being a SAHM is cultural to me not because I'm young. All I meant was a child is obviously life changing so the topic of how your planning on taking care of your child would come up whether it be staying home or child care. Unless there is a greater back story with this co worker, I think it's just a topic that gets brought up.

I hope she didn't mean anything by her comment and that she isn't hoping you'll leave because that would be a very uncomfortable work environment. I was just trying to look at it in a neutral way.

FutureMrsW9 · May 2014

I got and still get asked this question, and I wouldn't say I'm offended by it, but it's definitely annoying. Honestly, I feel like some people judge me for NOT staying home with my baby, particularly new dads that I know in the workplace who have wives that now stay home. Unfortunately, we need my paycheck, otherwise I might consider working part-time or doing something not as demanding so that I could spend more time with LO, but for now I bring in half of our income, so I need to work to pay normal bills (baby expenses excluded). Paycheck aside, I also don't think I'd want to be a SAHM, not my cup of tea and not how I was raised, so maybe that's the real reason it annoys me when people ask that question.

Deardra77 · May 2014

I got it with my son. What bother me about it was nobody EVER asked my husband if he planned on staying home with our baby. It's like having a vagina automatically makes our job less important/presume we earn less/presume automatically we would be the one to stay home rather than the member of the couple with the penis.

It's the sexism in the comment that bugs me. Either parent could be more suited as the stay at home parent if that's was what was going to be best for the family. I earn about $30K more than my husband so would make zero sense for me to be the one to stop working if one of us was to.

dp21 · May 2014

I think that is a pretty typical question for most women. I would try not to take it personally. AFM, I'm 30, work, and I'm in graduate school....and people ask me what I am going to do all the time! I'm actually stressed out about what I am going to do. My AMH was 0.5 back in Dec at age 29....felt we had no choice but to be aggressive. Never planned to have a kid during the semester in grad school, but have to do what I have to do! I love working and being in school, so think plan right now is cut down to 16-24 hours a week, take two grad school classes, and raise a baby. Feasible right?

brooklynesque · May 2014

It's not at all a typical question in my profession (law) and frankly I'd be pretty taken aback if someone at work asked if that was my plan without my having raised it. Because no one would ask a dude that question. Fortunately the reaction of my powers-that-be was just the opposite -- they encouraged me to apply for a challenging new assignment that will kick in when I get back from my (nice long) maternity leave.

katekat8721 · May 2014

Yes. As soon as I told people we were having twins they either asked outright if I was going to stay home or they assumed. I'm on leave early due to pregnancy and I know for a fact about half the people there are thinking there's a good chance I'm not returning.

I don't tell them I'm the breadwinner and that my job carries our benefits. None of their nosy business!

FutureMrsW9 · May 2014

Deardra77 said:

I got it with my son. What bother me about it was nobody EVER asked my husband if he planned on staying home with our baby. It's like having a vagina automatically makes our job less important/presume we earn less/presume automatically we would be the one to stay home rather than the member of the couple with the penis.
It's the sexism in the comment that bugs me. Either parent could be more suited as the stay at home parent if that's was what was going to be best for the family. I earn about $30K more than my husband so would make zero sense for me to be the one to stop working if one of us was to.

This is so true, because I actually make MORE than my husband. Take-home each month is about 50/50, but that's because all of our benefits and HSA come out of my paycheck, and I contribute more to my 401k up front than he does based on the company match. I also get a larger bonus than him, which increases the difference even more. That said, there's no way we could afford our lives without my job - so if one of us had to stay at home, at this point it would have to be him based on simple math!

marnief · May 2014

My MIL wants me to stay home, I think because it would "validate" her choice to do that. (She actually "retired" *before* she was pregnant to give herself time to settle into a non-work routine.) It doesn't help that I got laid off at the end of first tri (not a discrimination thing, my whole dep't was let go) but I am adamant about looking for a new job/career after baby is born.

OutdoorGirl10 · May 2014

I wouldn't be offended. I've had a few people ask me that question in the same conversation when I told them I was pregnant, and other times it's just come up later on after they've known for a while. My plan is to return to work and like a PP said, when I told my boss, I made it clear to him right off the bat my plan is to come back. Aside from that, I honestly don't know what motivates people to ask. I would say 75% of my friends went back to work and the other 25% are SAHM. I respect both, both are hard and have unique challenges so to each their own! I think in some cases when they asked it could've been a bonding thing, where they could then share what they went through. In other cases, they've heard me complain about long commutes so it might be that they had my prior complaints in mind. Not sure. But it didn't bother me.

That said, I do agree it's so sexist that no one has asked DH if he'd stay at home. Except his boss, but that's because the baby is due right during their busy time so it was a completely self serving question on his boss's part.

Cutiecruz327 · May 2014

I wouldn't be offended. My boss asked me when I told him. More because he just wanted to know if he'd need to replace me. He was happy to know I plann on returning. If I could afford to stay home I would, but I need to clothe the baby lol

penad5 · May 2014

Depending on her position in your company should she have been inquiring so they knew if they would need to replace you for 6 weeks or forever

Even if that's not the case I wouldn't be offended - I think people often feel they're suppose to ask questions so they just ask whatever pops in their heads

is this a "common" question?!?

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