Are you open about your infertility issues? (babies mentioned)

Jessi828 · May 2014

I ask this bc it seems like every friend and/or family member around me immediatley gets pregnant. As if they could be sneezed on and, Ta-Da!, they get a BFP. Some not even planned.

My DH and I, on the other hand, have been trying for two years and have not told anyone about our misfortune.
Both my in-laws consistanly brining up why we havent had kids yet. Our friends asking when we are going to try.....our reply is typically "one day" or "when we are ready". I dont want to tell the truth and have a pitty party or the "oh no I am so sorry...it will happen dont worry !"

Keep in mind my mother had me at 40, is going to be 67 this year and has zero grandkids from my older brother or sister who are not married so she keeps pushing it on us.

What is your reply to that question? Do you tell the truth? How did your parents react?

megwill126 · May 2014

I told the truth to family and close friends. It's helped me to not keep it bottled up like it was a big secret.

When strangers ask or people I'm not close to I tell them I'm enjoying life and will try eventually.

StacyLH24 · May 2014

When we first started, only close friends and family knew. We chose to do this to avoid people asking us how things were going, if I was pregnant yet, etc. As we have been on our winding road, I've cared less and less who knows. About 6 weeks ago or so, I posted on FB that we have been trying and where our journey has led us so far. I received a lot of support. I also got to hear some stories from other women who have dealt with infertility issues and two who currently are.

Honestly, we haven't received a lot of insensitive comments nor any pity really. The slightly insensitive things we have gotten have come from family who mean the best by what they say. I think they just aren't sure what to say. We have a great support system though. I feel 100% better not having to be secretive about it.

Certainly, being open about it isn't for everyone. If you don't feel comfy telling family and/or friends, maybe find a counselor/therapist to talk to. This would give you an outlet but still keep it quiet.

Jessi828 · May 2014

@megwill126‌ and @StacyLH24‌ Thank you both for your input and experiences.
I may go ahead and tell very close friends or family and see how they react. I do feel I need to speak about it, just havent felt ready. I do not belive my mother will react well to the news, but again that is an assumption and she deserves to know. It would def be a big weight off our shoulders to speak up.

mrskovarik · May 2014

I've been pretty open with mine. There's only a couple people i haven't mentioned it to because I know they'd say something dumb. For the most part everyone has been supportive. I was just tired of constantly hearing people ask when we are going to have kids. If anyone asks I just say, we're trying but having trouble. Now those who know either have stop asking and the ones I'm closer to ask me how treatment is going, which i prefer.

ktupiak · May 2014

Ive told my whole family and close friends. Everyone has been supportive except for the usual remarks everyone gets like when its meant to be and that crap. The only one who isnt supportive is his mother but shes a whole mother story. You might feel better telling family anf then the questions might stop

StacyLH24 · May 2014

@Jessi828‌ - Check out the Resolve website if you haven't already. There are some helpful tips there on dealing with comments from folks and such. Also, when I posted on FB initially, I told people that I would be happy to answer any questions but asked them to first read the infertility etiquitte article that I attached. I got that article from the Resolve website.

BananaPancakes02 · May 2014

I have only told some friends who I have no concerns about them spilling the beans, or saying anything insensitive. Otherwise, I am extremely tight lipped about it. I just don't want people thinking it is a topic they can bring up whenever they please. I am, however, pretty private in general.

jencity9 · May 2014

We gradually opened up, especially after my surgery last year. Now we are at a point where we tell our parents on each side and my sister all the details of each appt. I know some people don't like to do that, but my family has been very respectful and supportive, and I don't mind telling then about BFNs each time. I also officially came out on FB recently but had been open with friends before that. I WANT people to know how very hard I have worked for this when it finally happens!!

Jessi828 · May 2014

@StacyLH24‌ thank you! I will check out the website

Jessi828 · May 2014

@BananaPancakes02‌ I am pretty private as well...but I have bee. Tight lipped for the past couple of years. Although I am not quite ready to tell many, I do feel it may be time for mte to tell close family and friends I confide in as well. Thank you for your comment

Jessi828 · May 2014

@jencity9 thats a great perspective and wonderful you went lengths to share on FB and educate people. Glad you have so much support too

siempre595 · May 2014

I'm super private and have not told family (I am not really close to my family). My husband is close to his parents, but I seem to be the one with the fertility issues, so I've asked him not to talk to them about it yet. I'm just not ready to talk about my uterus with my in-laws, and they don't live close to us at all, so they don't know what's going on day to day. I have told a few good friends who knew we wanted kids and figured we'd be trying by now. Some of them are totally supportive and at least try to understand. Some have said some really insensitive/stupid things like "I never get sleep because I have crying babies, you really want CRYING babies?? they cry you know..." daggers shooting from me…..because of these types of remarks, I'm really starting to limit who I tell. It just brings me down.

Unfortunately I work in a NICU, so it's babies all the time, and people LOVE to talk about pregnancy and getting pregnant and children in the nicu. So it comes up all the time. And once one person at work knows….everyone knows….so probably everyone I work with knows by now.

Jessi828 · May 2014

@siempre595‌ i hear you!! I do ultrasounds for a living and it's consistantly in my face. I scan pregnant women and see excitement (or sometimes anger or tears). But part of my job is talking to my patients and making them feel comfortable and sharing their joys and all I think about is "why cant I be in their postion?? I want to be on the bed being scanned sharing my joys." Just gotta remain hopeful

siempre595 · May 2014

Oh your job is harder than mine for this situation. I'm actually a NICU doc. But the kids are REALLY sick. I don't envy these parents. No one wants a critically ill baby. I'm much more upset by all the friends/co-workers/random pregnant women who seem to be everywhere all the time.

BunnyBerry · May 2014

One of the small satisfactions I get in relation to IF is making people feel a little bad after they've been nosy about it. Anytime someone asks about when/if we have kids, I say, "We would love them, but we've been trying without success over 5 years, so it is a painful subject" or something like that. I feel better because they feel bad, which is awful but I don't feel hugely better and they don't feel super bad so I think it's a good strategy for me.

bethleean · May 2014

DH and I were in the same situation. We had been trying for a year before we were diagnosed with "unexplained" IF. And have been going through treatment cycles and IUI for a year and a half. We only toldour family and closest friends about 8 months ago and it has been a blessing ever since. I dont feel like i have to keep all my frustration bottled up and now DH and I have a great support system. IF treatment can take a toll on tour marriage if you only have eachother to vent to. It definitely helps to have others you can talk to about it. As a man, your husband simply can't understand all the hormonal side effects and the emotionally draining that a failed cycle can cause, as much as he would like to understand it all, he just can't. Just like as a woman you wont be able to understand how "not being able to deliver" effects his pride or makes him feel like "less of a man". My DH and I had to go to marriage counseling because of our inability to really understand and sympathize with the struggles that IF treatment has puton both of us. Since beginning counseling and opening up to our family, we have grown closer and it has made our journey a bit easier. It definitely helped us to have such a great family support system behind us. I hope you find an answer that fits your needs and makes your journey a little less rough as well.

pmpknbride · May 2014

We started out slowly telling close friends and family about our IF struggle, around the time we started with an RE. Then we came out on Facebook for NIAW, so just about everyone knows. I won't mention it to random strangers when they ask me about kids, but with "friends" I'd be very open about it. I hated living a double life and brushing off questions about kids..it's just been easier being honest and so far everyone has been very supportive, some people say insensitive things but I try not to take offense since I know they mean well, they just don't get it.

Jessi828 · May 2014

@packerfan4life‌ That is a great idea about coming out during NIAW. That way people are educated and know there are ppl struggling. All that's on FB is people posting "We're pregnant!" Photos or baby bumps, while few show the other side.

Jessi828 · May 2014

@BunnyBerry‌ that's a good reply to those nosy folks.

I may have to use that one lol

Jessi828 · May 2014

@bethleean‌ Thank you for sharing your experience. You absolutely have a point. I never thought about it from that point of view---keeping bottled up will eventually hurt the marriage. Being open and honest can be theraputic I suppose. It may be in our best interest to open up. We started yesterday with my brother and sister and they took it well. I admit it was a bit of a weight off the shoulder to tell someone

Jessi828 · May 2014

@pmpknbride‌ I love this openess on NIAW idea. I may do that! And yes, that is how I feel, living a double life. DH and I even got to the point where whenever our parents asked what is taking us so long to have kida we've just said "we arent having kids!" Just ro back them off. When really I just want to tell them how hard it's been the past 2 years and we are doing our best!

Jessi828 · May 2014

@daydreamsam This is the exact fear I have with my parents! I grew up in a VERY strict Roman Catholic household, went to Catholic school my entire life and my parents teach Sunday Classes, Father got his PhD in Theology and is a Deacon. They only belive in Natrual Family Planning. No sex before marriager, no "living in sin" (which, mind you, is what they think we are doing since we havent had children yet) and absolutely NO contraceptives or "outside" help of any kind. Thos would include Clomid and IVF and IUI. My mother has told me "One day when you stop being selfish and stop thinking about yourself you will have children and know that's what this life is about. Procreating- living your life for another human being that you created and brought to this world."

That hurt so bad. Mostly bc she associated us not having children and us being selfish. And two, bc I would do anything to give her amd my father grandchildren.

theholmanherd · May 2014

I'm not open about it at all. A couple close friends and family members know a bit about it. My two best friends and one of my aunts are the only ones that know details. I'm just not very open about things like medical and financial stuff, good or bad.

Jessi0113 · May 2014

At first we kind of ignored the fact that we had a problem. I think that ended up being a big help in the end (sounds odd, I know). When someone would ask when we were going to have kids I would always say "in time" or "when we're ready". After a long enough time of getting answers like that from us, our family kind of figured out what was going on and have since been very sensitive of the situation, and stopped being so pushy. I guess it all depends on the person, but my experience with telling the one and only person we "came clean" with really backfired on me. She said the most hurtful thing to me that I've ever heard in my life when she was angry at me one day. I do think that being more private is a better way to go, but it's such a burden to bear on your own. A double edged sword for sure, but you are definitely not alone

gracee79 · May 2014

Hello ladies! Mind if I jump right in?

My hubby and I have been trying for years on and off Clomid, might I add. No luck. I have PCOS. It was a big secret to me in my earlier years of TTC. Now that I'm more comfortable with my life, my marriage and just more wiser I have told my mom, sisters and even a friend or 2. So its much easier, I must say now that I have reached out to a small number of "family" members, but I totally understand the fact of not telling anyone. People are so hateful sometimes. My circle is very small now that I am 35, compared to when I was 27. I just come to the bump or babycenter when I want to vent. Lol.

nswain85 · May 2014

This is a really tough one for me... We told some close friends and a select few family members when we started trying to get pregnant and I wish now we hadn't. We were naive and excited I guess but dealing with the occasional questions and then no questions at all has proven harder to deal with then I expected. Now that we are really starting the process I feel like I want to say something. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed and something that is so big in my life shouldn't be treated like a dirty little secret. We are working so hard to get our little one and I'm proud of us for going on this journey.

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