How should I tell her?

Mrs_Bennett · May 2014

I have a friend who has been struggling with infertility for a little over a year, and I'm wondering how to break to news about my pregnancy to her. I know she'll be happy for us, but I also know that it will probably hurt to hear. I was thinking maybe via text so that she doesn't feel obligated to reply right away or appear super excited. Thoughts from ladies who have struggled with this?
Thanks!

drpayne · May 2014

I actually asked the sweet ladies on the TTTC board a while back for some advice. The consensus was that the best thing is to email her. It feels crappy to you because it seems impersonal... but it gets her off the hook as far as having the "appropriate" reaction. Don't put her on the spot. Give her the space to process it in her own way and let her know that if her first emotion isn't happiness for you, that's okay. I told my friend that if she couldn't see me for a while, I understood, etc. I also told her she was in my prayers, that I couldn't understand the unfairness of it, etc. I just told her about my 3rd pregnancy

My heart breaks for her. She's gracious and she sent me a congrats card, bless her heart.

dragontears507 · May 2014

As someone who struggled with infertility for 3 1/2 years, I have to agree on the email. It's hard to have to try to smile at someone and congratulate them to their face when all you may want to do is cry. That doesn't mean she's not happy for you, it's just a hard reminder of the fact that she's not in the same boat.

An honest email about not wanting to hurt her but wanting to personally let her know is the way to go. Then the ball's in her court. Just make sure you tell her before you make it public knowledge. Nothing is more heart wrenching than logging into Facebook to see a pregnancy announcement or to hear through the grape vine. Let her hear it from you.

Saracp78 · May 2014

I agree with the email. It will give it time to set in but not up them on the spot. I am 35 and the last of my friends to get pregnant and with each announcement there was a little bit of me that hurt. Though I was VERY happy for them all. I have the same situation now. My aunt and uncle are only 5 and 8 years older than I am but have been trying for over 10 years. I know they will be happy for us. But I also know it will hurt :-( I know I want to tell them before I tell my other extended family in private so they would be ready when people told them... I think I,ll do it in an email also. Good luck

aves0708 · May 2014

Another IFer on board with email. I was so happy for my best friend when she got pregnant on her first try, but I was still sad for me. Hearing your news by email will give her time to deal with her sadness and then give you the positive happy reaction you deserve to get. I think email is a little more personal than a text as well

As someone who has struggled with IF, I think you are an amazing friend for considering how to tell her. There are many people out there who do not consider how their news may affect others. During your pregnancy I would also keep the talk to a minimum around her. Let her bring it up with you because you never know when she is having a bad IF day.

Mrs_Bennett · May 2014

Thank you, Ladies! It sounds like an email is the way to go, so that is what I will plan on doing. So wish nobody had to struggle with this!!
Thanks again!

lawwarrior · May 2014

I have been struggling with infertility for 4 years and I have friends that had losses previously or cannot conceive and I will definitely be telling them personally before I put a general announcement out there. I will likely do it through a pm facebook message or something like that. I have been on the other end of someone not considering my feelings when they knew of our struggle. I think it is something kind and considerate to do.

TXUltraRunner · May 2014

When my close friends told me via text it hurt my feelings. I would have preferred a phone call which is more personal. Everyone is different I suppose. I don't agree with the email thing but I am looking at it as this person being your close friend

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