Room for one more? And advice needed about friend's loss :(

mommajw · May 2014

Hi ladies, I've been lurking around here since I got my BFP last Friday and I thought it was time to come out of the shadows and introduce myself

Hubby and I have a 3 year old little girl and are expecting baby #2 around January 17! We are so excited! I was an active member of TTGP and the May 2011 board when we were trying last time and throughout my pregnancy, but I only returned to The Bump last Friday, under a new name (because apparently TB forgot I ever existed under my old name!).

I also wanted some advice from anyone who has suffered a loss before, if you are comfortable giving it of course. My best friend and I ended up pregnant within days of each other and we were both so excited to be in this together! We had a solid week of baby talk! Sadly, yesterday her doctor confirmed that she miscarried, and of course she is devestated. So am I

I want to do everything I can to be supportive of her, but I am terrified that my being pregnant is going to hurt her even more. I feel stuck about how to approach her. I want to be there for her, without upsetting her more. But then I don't want her to think I am tip-toeing around her. Ahhh, I'm just so sad for her. Any advice? I just keep telling her that I love her, and that I'm here.

Just so sad for her.....

kmcorter · May 2014

When I had my miscarriage, I had several friends and family members that were pregnant or just had babies. When I went into the hospital to get a methotrexate shot for a possible ectopic, I even had a friend that was in the same hospital giving birth. Most of my friends were very forward with me, saying that they understood if I needed some distance or time and I really appreciated that. It actually made it a lot easier to be around them since everything was out in the open and I felt that they understood.

Being open about everything made it better for me but I'm not sure what your best friends personality is. I'm kind of an open book. If shes a very private person it may make her uncomfortable to talk about it. Either way, good luck with everything. that certainly is not the easiest situation to be in. You are a good friend for recognizing that it will be difficult for her and letting her know that you recognize that may be helpful for her.

Congrats on #2 for you! Even though you're sad for her, don't forget to be happy for yourself, too!

kibylou · May 2014

Congrats and welcome!

You will really just have to follow her lead. Every person handles the loss differently. For me, it was incredibly painful to be around pregnant friends, but I was still so happy for them, I wouldn't have wanted to feel ignored or left out either. Definitely no complaining about pg symptoms in front of her... Ever. Let her bring up baby stuff for the first while. But definitely be there for her and talk about other things if she seems like she doesn't need space. So sorry for your friend... And for you too. That is hard.

ImJessesGirl · May 2014

I have no advice that is any different than what is being given already, but I just wanted to offer my sympathies for your friend. She's lucky to have a friend like you who is so genuine and concerned for her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and welcome to the board!

mommajw · May 2014

Thanks ladies, I am pretty much feeling that is the way to go about it. I thought about just telling her that I would understand if she needs space or can't be around me for a little while. We talk multiple times daily so that would be a huge adjustment! We've already been texting this morning though, so I doubt she will distance herself from me, but again I will understand if she needs to! I definitely don't plan to bring up any pregnancy talk unless she asks!

And I am very excited about my pregancy, but I am just heartbroken that we won't be doing it together! It was so much fun this past week sharing symptoms and talking about best friend maternity photos and other silly stuff like that

Again, thanks so much to all of you and I am pumped to be joining this group!

longcat07 · May 2014

this happened to me and my bestie a couple months ago...she got a BFP, a couple days later i got one, and two weeks after that, i miscarried. i'm not going to lie...i absolutely resented her, and i feel completely terrible for it because of course it wasn't her fault and i knew that, but it hard to control those feelings. being capable of rational thought doesn't necessarily preclude having irrational feelings, so if you can understand where whatever irrational feelings she might be having are coming from, that's a good start. it's going to be REALLY hard for your friend to hear about your pregnancy for a while. you've gotten some good advice here about giving her space if she needs it and not bringing up your own pregnancy unless she asks. if she's like me, she'll need a couple weeks before she's ok hearing about your morning sickness or whatever.

i'm glad you're so concerned about her feelings...you sound like a pretty awesome friend.

mommajw · May 2014

@longcat07 Thank you! We've been friends for 25 years now, since kindergarten days. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but we always end up together. I literally don't know how I would function without her!

And I'm so sorry for your loss!

Bigboneded · May 2014

Congrats and welcome!
It sounds like you are already being a good friend. You could ask her what makes her more comfortable, and offer to avoid baby talk if that helps her. But everyone grieves differently, so she will be the best advisor as to how to support her. Good luck!

alibc123 · May 2014

Welcome and congrats to you. And I'm sorry for your friends loss.

luciddreamer106 · May 2014

Congrats! The fact that you are so concerned about your friend is a great first step. So far, it sounds like you're doing everything right. For both of my losses, I had a friend or family member who was due close to when I would have been. It was really , really hard to see where I would have been at that stage. Everyone handles it differently. She may resent you, especially when you start to show. But just know to not take it personally (unless you're being an ass) and don't give up on her.

I agree that it's a good idea to tell her that you understand if she needs some space. Absolutely do not complain about pregnancy. And I would wait for her to approach you with questions regarding your progress. However, don't leave her our of major events, like a baby shower. Leave it up to her if she feels up to attending.

mommajw · May 2014

Thanks for the welcome and great advice!

FmrAFBrat · May 2014

Congrats! Really when I had my loss it broke my heart every time I saw a pregnant women. Going to the doctors office post op was pure hell for me. I wanted to kill myself when I was looking at all the (happy)pregnant women.

I really took a break with a lot of my family and friends that holiday season because it was just to painful. Don't be surprised if she backs off a little. Also don't AW all of your appointments and USs on Facebook. It's very painful after a loss. I've never announced a pregnancy on FB...just births. I resent people who do. I also hate first trimester public pregnancy announcements.

Also...depending on the type of loss (& what happened)....she may find out via her medical records what she was having. Please approach that with caution if she does know because there is a possibility she may never have a take home baby that gender. My angel has XX chromosomes, however I'm pretty sure all my take homes will be boys. I know 2 girls I went to school with that has little girls within 2 weeks of my angels due date and it still hurts to see them. I love my boys, don't get me wrong but the girls are a reminder of a baby I'll never have to hold or see grow up.

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Room for one more? And advice needed about friend's loss :(

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