Acting out linked to loss? Advice please

Olismom · May 2014

Hello, I am new here. I joined the loss board two weeks ago today when we found out at 20 weeks that our baby girl didn't have a heart beat. We have a 4 year old her will be 5 in December. I am having a lot of problems with him acting out. He has always been a handful and very boy as everyone says to me. But this week and last weekend have been unbearable. I'm having a hard time knowing what to do. I am at home with him right now he has been home with me and out of daycare for 2 weeks now. This was the plan all along bc before we found out I was off work for blood pressure issues. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this everyone keeps telling me that maybe it's because of all the changes or because we lost her bc kids can't express themselves like we can. But I'm not sure if it's that or just him acting awful. I'm so frustrated. Any help would be great!

Mom2anAngel2 · May 2014

I don't have any advise, but I wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss. It's hard to slow yourself time to grieve and heal when you are so worried about how your child is handling the loss. ((HUGS))

ellebelle2384 · May 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with what @Mom2anAngel2 said. Are you thinking of putting him back in daycare? Maybe the structure would be comforting to him. Hope you can take some time to take care of yourself too. Hugs!

lexusolsen · May 2014

We put our dd back in daycare right away and still had some issues with acting out. Our experience is a little different because we were in a car accident so dd experienced the trauma of the accident, the loss of her brother, and our grief. We found the book "we were going to have a baby but got an angel instead" helpful. It have us something to reference with her and gave her a way to connect to our experience.

She has been seeing a therapist. The therapist said it's important to explain our grief to dd so that she knows she is still safe. The therapist also told us to let dd talk about Ben or the accident, to ask her questions (when she brings it up) and to help her identify her feelings. Pm if you want to talk more. I also have some paperwork from a social worker I can share about typical expressions of grief by age group but I am at work now. Let me know if you want it.

km_md · May 2014

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss ((hugs))

meli1025 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)). My DS did act out a lot after our loss, although at the time he was a bit younger than yours. My therapist said that he could be responding to my sadness, even though I tried so hard not to be upset around him. I found that trying to help him find his words helped a lot. So if he would throw a toy I would say, " did you throw that toy because you are angry or sad?" And then I would tell him it's ok to be angry or sad and to use his words instead of throwing things. It took some time, but soon he started to say, "mommy I'm mad" and then we would talk about it. I hope this phase is short, and I would also suggest reading the book recommended by lexusolsen.