Relationship blues...

lolob45 · May 2014

My hubby and I had a rough time before DD was born as I was unexpectedly put on bed rest at 25 weeks and neither of us were prepared for the emotional toll it would take on our relationship. Since she was born things have had it's highs and lows. DH was diagnosed with a low form of ADHD and anxiety - he's been on medication for the past 3 months and I immediately saw a difference and as a result things with us were much better ... he had better patience with things, we snapped less and less at each other. Now, and I don't know if it has to do with the fact that we are selling and buying a new home & the stress it causes but things are rough again. I honestly feel so alone so much of the time and I feel like we don't have any quality time together & we haven't been intimate in awhile.... and when we do have the chance i'm usually so frustrated by him that I just want to go to sleep and shut down. I know it's not healthy. He keeps saying he needs to connect sexually to be emotionally connected to me and i'm the opposite. I feel like we just can't connect and get on the same page. Since we are buying a new home money is super tight so the idea of a date night is pretty slim ... especially if we have to hire a sitter.

I am curious what types of things you all do to reconnect that don't involve the baby. Anyone else experience a relationship low after their baby was born?

I'm sad that such an incredible moment in our life has brought us further apart....

ADDED: It's probably worth noting that we are living with my parents for the next 6 weeks while we wait for escrow to close on our new house. That adds an entirely new element to our issues...

caseyp10 · May 2014

I've been feeling the same way. It's really hard. I'm interested what the ladies will say too.

Jalee85 · May 2014

For us it's usually sports that helps us reconnect, especially football. We both play fantasy football and it's really bonded us. You may not like football, but perhaps pick a hobby you 2 can do together and just stick with it. You could go for hikes or run together. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

lolob45 · May 2014

Jalee85 said:

For us it's usually sports that helps us reconnect, especially football. We both play fantasy football and it's really bonded us. You may not like football, but perhaps pick a hobby you 2 can do together and just stick with it. You could go for hikes or run together. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Thank you for the recommendation ... i've been asking DH to go for a walk with me for 2 weeks and he never wants to. This weekend we were asked to drive 2 hours to his cousin's graduation and I offered that we use points to get a hotel and make a weekend out of it and he got frustrated by my suggestion. We compromised and are making a day trip out of it & also go visit some friends who will be in town... I suggested we go to Newport after to walk around and stop by the beach to spend time together and his response is "how do we do that when we have Madison with us? It's not like special time alone." I feel defeated. I feel like he doesn't want to meet me in the middle and really just doesn't want to do anything but golf without me.

lolob45 · May 2014

caseyp10 said:

I've been feeling the same way. It's really hard. I'm interested what the ladies will say too.

I'm sorry you're going through this too ...

Jalee85 · May 2014

A baby is a new life. You have to find ways to feel connected even though the baby is around. YH may need help with this. Do you have anyone that can babysit? DH hates walking, but we are doing a month long diet together. It is starting to get nice out; so we will be going for walks soon.

Jalee85 · May 2014

Oh I also have ADD and anxiety that level of frustration sounds like maybe they need to tweak YH's meds a little bit more; since there is increased stress in your life at the moment. Hope that doesn't come off offensive. I just feel for him. My ADD is completely unmedicated right now due to nursing. I handle it pretty well now, but I still have moments of pointless frustration.

ncase2 · May 2014

We employed the "after 9" rule. Anything the other person says/does after 9pm (within reason) is given a free pass. This helped tremendously with our colicky, "I hate sleep", high needs baby.

We're still working on reconnecting, but just know that it's going to be awhile before we can really do things together, and understand it's not the end of the world.

Also, buying a new house is like #3 on the list of most stressful life events - so don't beat yourself up!

AmandagStark · May 2014

In sorry you're going through this. As previous posters have said, new baby, new life & new relationship. I think it's natural to feel the way you've been feeling and I think it is healthy that you've decided you want to make an effort to connect again. My DH and I do something after the LO goes to bed. Last week it was baking brownies and playing a board game. Other nights it's been as simple as sitting together on the couch watching a movie we watched when we first started dating! You'll find what works best for you guys and things will get better! Thanks for posting, OP, as I think many of us have come across this similar situation in our relationships.

apritchett50 · May 2014

We've had lots of ups and downs also! I'm terrible about making everything a argument of who does more, I'm pretty controlling and tell him what to do a lot, but he sucks at taking initiative. We both have things to work on but who knows. I know we love each other and we seriously are best friends so I'm just waiting for this time to pass! Good luck!

edaire · May 2014

Same thing here too. Being new parents is hard. Both of your roles have changed in a big way. It's not always an easy adjustment for everyone. I know that one day we will reconnect. I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She told me that all the things that drove her nuts about my dad while they were raising their kids don't matter anymore, and she's glad she stuck it out because now they get to enjoy holidays, special occasions, etc with their kids and now their grandchild. Just know that you aren't alone, and that this what you are going through is hard. Hugs!

LC122 · May 2014

Agree with finding something you enjoy doing together. I tend to be more in favor of turning off the TV/movies and instead doing something that makes you engage with each other. Playing board games can be fun if that is something you like. Or doing an art project together. That could be cool for your new home - make art in a color scheme you want to decorate in or come up with House Rules for your new home and write them on canvas artistically.
Also, I found the comment about "how do we do something nice/fun when the baby will be with us?" discouraging. It sounds like he needs a new mindset. Instead of the baby raining on your couple time, he should be thinking of it as creating new family memories. It also makes me wonder if he's still in that new dad phase of not relating to babies. My brother doesn't really like kids he can't have a conversation with, even when that meant his own. If that's the case, the good news is that babies grow and men that "don't like babies" usually like little kids and big kids better.

I've also heard people swear by committing to the intimacy. People get caught in a downward spiral of (he annoys her) --> (no intimacy) == (he feels disconnected) --> (he annoys her). If you can take one for the team and break that cycle with some intimacy, it can often change the direction of the relationship to more of an upward spiral.
Does that make sense? Not saying it's easy, especially when you've recently felt like punching that person in the face more than kissing it.

catycate · May 2014

Being a new parent is tough, but really being a parent In General is tough. You guys need to find ways to cope with your new normal. I read an article the other day that basically said the barring an extreme circumstance, people with children under the age of five shouldn't be allowed to get a divorce (tongue in cheek, of course, but it made sense to me) having a child changes both of you- you have to readjust and that definitely doesn't happen in only 7 months. You're not alone- almost every mama I know including myself have questioned their marriage in these first few months/ years of having a kid.

ksimo6 · May 2014

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. We are going through something similar... but are on the upswing. LO got sick about 2 months ago wtith the flu and my PPA hit me HARD. As a result, I went into full blown helicopter mom mode. My relationship suffered for it. My husband finally jsut had to make a list of the reasons he was frustrated and unhappy. We talked through them and came up with ways to move forward.

1) Date night without baby 2 times per month.

2) 30 minutes together, alone, daily after LO goes to bed. I am EXHAUSTED, but I have to make this time for him.

3) Sex. Even if you don't want to. Do it. Trust me, it helps. We are shooting for weekly.

4) Dinner conversation that starts with us - work, our day, how we're feeling...then we move onto LO topics.

The transition to parenthood is SO HARD! And then when you add other stressors on top of it, I think it's easy to lose sight of some things! Keep at it girl. It will get better!

EmJ&B · May 2014

@catycate Interesting - do you have a link?

SweetCFly · May 2014

Hang in there mamma. You've gotten a lot of great advice so far. I just want to say ADHD/anxiety and buying s new home/living with ILs aside, there are so many of us who are going thru the same thing or have gone/will go thru this. Just know you're not alone. We will get through it- as our babies are growing and changing everyday, our role as parents affects and necessitates (hopefully growth and) change in our marriages/relationships everyday. FTM here but I feel like this is a normal part of the process.

GearUp · May 2014

I don't have tons of advice, but I can say that each of the factors could lead to a relationship low, by themselves. You guys are trucking through the middle, and at least with some of the issues you know there will be an absolute end!

(Hugs) to you, I know it can be hard to WANT to connect, when you don't feel like connecting.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better.

Gatorsgirl731 · May 2014

Take this how you will, but it sounds like your DH has told you what he needs to feel connected and your choosing to ignore it. If you want to bring the closeness back you have to be willing to connect on his terms. Moving, buying a home, and having a baby are all very stressful situations add to that living with the parents. Speaking as someone who has ADHD and crippling anxiety all those things dumped on me at once would make me shut down. As a partner I don't think it would be fair to expect him to "take a walk" with me to connect, but me not be willing to put out if that's what he needs. It's a two way street.

But I'm also a card carrying member of #teamsex, I like it. DH and I do it for fun, do it to connect, do it to make babies, exercise, date night, stress reliever, to get sleepy, birthdays, Mother's Day, Fathers Day, anniversary, Tuesdays, Super Bowl Sunday you get the point.

TL:DR your h wants to connect with sex. Do it.

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