Sorry... me again

kgs0505 · May 2014

Sorry ladies - you are all probably tired of hearing about my issues. But I have to get it out somehow. So excuse me while I ramble...

We went to the mall after dinner Saturday night to get cupcakes as a treat. While I was looking for a parking space, I saw her (my old) car. She works at the mall. It took me by complete surprise. I had a very brief mini anxiety thing, but I squashed it and said to DH, I am not going to freak out. So, we went and enjoyed cupcakes with my son and the girls enjoyed a late evening bottle. We went in the mall and walked around a bit, my son wanted to ride the train. Everything was okay. My DH was pretty quiet, but it was ok.

Since then that desire to send her a letter has resurfaced with a freaking vengence. @JSS1002, you gave me the best thing to think about, why do I need to point out her issues? She can figure them out for herself. I took that to heart and it really helped. Until Saturday.

I think I know what the issue is, but let me know if you see something else in my rambling. She is the last major trigger. I have gone through so many of them now, and broken them or at least reduced them to a very minor little blip/annoyance, but this last one is killing me. I think there are a couple problems - I can't just go do it anyway, like going to the mall (that was a huge one for me), walking past the store she works at (even at a different mall, I'd have an anxiety episode), or buying an article of clothing I associated with her and making it mine. That freaking car keeps popping up, and it's not like I can expect it. So when will I end up running into her in person? If I do, what should I do? Talk to her? Turn the other way? Pretend she's invisible? One of the main things I told myself and DH, is that I would not allow her to change what I normally would do. Move out of the neighborhood because she's friends with the neighbors and watches their dog while they are on vacation? No F'ing way. Not attend my neighbor's kid's birthday party because she or one of her family members might be there? No way (although my opportunity to do that last time was thwarted by sick kids).

Anyway -

I'm trying to figure out what I would really want from her. I decided like JSS said, I don't need to fix her problems. That's true. But DH has been fuzzy on the timelines of things, and that is something I'd like clarity on. Unfortunately, she is the only other source I can ask. Now to decide (recognize, realize) if it's really that important to me, and if it is, will it bother me when she doesn't respond? Will sending something to remind her of how she hurt a family help me exorcise her from my mind? These obsessive thoughts are interfering in my ability to move onto the next step of healing. I've come to the conlcusion that I think I need to forgive her. I didn't bother with thoughts of her too much in the beginning because I was too scared about what was happening between us, and his confession of suicidal thoughts and plans, to even worry about her or focus on her. Now, a lot of things have calmed down, and I am allowing myself to let her intrude on my life, and I want it to stop. I'm sick of torturing myself.

Anyway - if you go through that, you deserve a Godiva truffle, or 4

JSS1002 · May 2014

kgs0505 said:

Sorry ladies - you are all probably tired of hearing about my issues. But I have to get it out somehow. So excuse me while I ramble...

We went to the mall after dinner Saturday night to get cupcakes as a treat. While I was looking for a parking space, I saw her (my old) car. She works at the mall. It took me by complete surprise. I had a very brief mini anxiety thing, but I squashed it and said to DH, I am not going to freak out. So, we went and enjoyed cupcakes with my son and the girls enjoyed a late evening bottle. We went in the mall and walked around a bit, my son wanted to ride the train. Everything was okay. My DH was pretty quiet, but it was ok.

Since then that desire to send her a letter has resurfaced with a freaking vengence. @JSS1002, you gave me the best thing to think about, why do I need to point out her issues? She can figure them out for herself. I took that to heart and it really helped. Until Saturday.

I think I know what the issue is, but let me know if you see something else in my rambling. She is the last major trigger. I have gone through so many of them now, and broken them or at least reduced them to a very minor little blip/annoyance, but this last one is killing me. I think there are a couple problems - I can't just go do it anyway, like going to the mall (that was a huge one for me), walking past the store she works at (even at a different mall, I'd have an anxiety episode), or buying an article of clothing I associated with her and making it mine. That freaking car keeps popping up, and it's not like I can expect it. So when will I end up running into her in person? If I do, what should I do? Talk to her? Turn the other way? Pretend she's invisible? One of the main things I told myself and DH, is that I would not allow her to change what I normally would do. Move out of the neighborhood because she's friends with the neighbors and watches their dog while they are on vacation? No F'ing way. Not attend my neighbor's kid's birthday party because she or one of her family members might be there? No way (although my opportunity to do that last time was thwarted by sick kids).

Anyway -

I'm trying to figure out what I would really want from her. I decided like JSS said, I don't need to fix her problems. That's true. But DH has been fuzzy on the timelines of things, and that is something I'd like clarity on. Unfortunately, she is the only other source I can ask. Now to decide (recognize, realize) if it's really that important to me, and if it is, will it bother me when she doesn't respond? Will sending something to remind her of how she hurt a family help me exorcise her from my mind? These obsessive thoughts are interfering in my ability to move onto the next step of healing. I've come to the conlcusion that I think I need to forgive her. I didn't bother with thoughts of her too much in the beginning because I was too scared about what was happening between us, and his confession of suicidal thoughts and plans, to even worry about her or focus on her. Now, a lot of things have calmed down, and I am allowing myself to let her intrude on my life, and I want it to stop. I'm sick of torturing myself.

Anyway - if you go through that, you deserve a Godiva truffle, or 4

Seriously, I'd like to scream at her for you. I still don't understand what kind of woman DOES that - clearly somebody with very little to no moral code.

As far as the "fixing" goes... my point was just that she does not deserve the blessing of your help, which is honestly what it would be if you told her all your "concerns." I have no advice other than that, but I want to stress again that she is not your responsibility, she is not a broken little bird for you to care for, she is a devious, husband-stealing, low-ethics trollup who almost broke up your marriage. If anything you should go give her BAD advice as payback for what she did to you, but since I also do not recommend that route (I'm a big fan of taking the high road), just stay silent and let her suffer for her mistakes without the benefit of your assistance.

kgs0505 · May 2014

@jdubb13 Is that it? That simple? Being heard? I think it might be. I guess I feel like not saying anything kind of lets her get away with it and ignore that she contributed to hurting someone so deeply.

JSS1002 · May 2014

kgs0505 said:

@jdubb13 Is that it? That simple? Being heard? I think it might be. I guess I feel like not saying anything kind of lets her get away with it and ignore that she contributed to hurting someone so deeply.

I completely understand the need to be heard / validated, and I wouldn't blame you one bit for wanting to confront her for what she did to you. I'm not even convinced that's a bad idea, frankly. But what i DON'T like is the idea of you trying to "fix" her like she's your responsibility and deserves to know her flaws (presumably so she can correct them and go on to live a happy life). She can figure that shit out on her own time and dollar.

kgs0505 · May 2014

@JSS1002 I totally threw my concerns for her out the window based on your comments last time. I think you are totally right.

But because the desire has come back, I need to rethink what I want from her. I do not need to fix her or care for her. She's a stupid little twit with Daddy issues and a victim mentality. Too nice is where the previous drafts have been. There might be one nastier one, but I don't want to send nasty. I don't want it used against me in some way. I am thinking business like - ask my questions, leave it out there and see if she does anything about it. Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but it'll remind her that she wasn't just dumped, and everyone moved on like noithing happened. She almost destroyed my family and left my kids without a full-time dad.

tondraluv · May 2014

We've had conversations about this and you know I know exactly how you are feeling. Essentially, I don't think anyone can tell you how to cope or what to do because everyone is different but I think you should do what you feel will bring you peace and improve your family. AS much as I joke around, I am just a car ride away and like @jdubb13 I can be there in a heartbeat if it's support that you need. Have you spoken to your husband about wanting to speak to her in any form?

In my situation, I emailed the woman (when I was very angry) a very threatening letter and got no response. Looking back, she could've gotten a restraining order against me and I would only be hurting me and Brayden. I gained nothing from that; no peace, no answers, nothing so I didn't feel it was worth it. What if the answers you get make you feel worse? She is a bird and birds don't know why they do certain things.

kgs0505 · May 2014

@Tondraluv - Thank you for being there for me. It so very much helps because this situation is so isolating. Only one person IRL knows this even happened. Others know I had marital issues, but not what they were.

I have told H about wanting to communicate with her. We've discussed it a bit. He found a section in that book about how to help with some of this stuff, but I'm not finding it too very relateable with this particular obsession. Although, it'll help with other thoughts I am having. I think the problem with the suggested tools is I'm not really comparing myself to her and making her seem better than me, or assuming he is still seeing her, because I know neither of those things are productive or true.

Do I think the answers would make it worse? Not really. I don't think anything she could actually say to me would make me feel worse. He's already done that. The funny thing is, he still is reticent to tell me how he's feeling about things because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I keep reminding him, there is really nothing you could say to make this worse than it already is. For some reason he doesn't believe that yet. What could be worse than your H being so suicidal he had a definite plan and in order to keep himself from going thru with it decided to make plans to leave you once he paid off the cc, and not tell you anything about it. All because the thought of having two babies at the same time was overwhelming to him. And rather than sharing that with me, withdrawing from me to basically put a dark mark on my pregnancy and treating me like crap, all the way through to falling in love with someone else and sleeping with her?Communicating is definitely a work in progress. The ebb and flow is not fun.

Lhyacinth888 · May 2014

I probably wouldn't write the letter but I am obviously not in your situation and you have to do what your heart tells you to do. For me there are three possible responses from her after you send your letter:

1. She apologizes. I don't think that would make me feel any better but that's just me. I don't think I would believe her.

2. She responds rudely and really pisses me off even more, giving her more control over my life.

3. She doesn't respond at all. I think this would be the worst scenario for me. Did she get my letter and doesn't care enough to write back? Did she even get it at all? Again me thinking about her way more than I would want to and giving her more power over my life.

I can understand wanting answers about things but I don't think I would believe anything she said anyway since she has proved herself a dishonest person already. You are definitely the bigger person in this situation and don't need her to validate any of your feelings- good or bad. You seem to be a stronger, braver and a better woman than she will ever be.

As others have said you have to do what's best for you and we will be here anyway we can. And I write these things but I have never been in your shoes and am just answering with how I "think" I would feel.

BellaBean76 · May 2014

I would echo what LYHancinth said. I am not in your shoes...so I can't understand what you are going through...but I am not sure what you would get out of it. If it is just "being heard" as you said...if she doesn't respond will you still feel you were heard? I also feel that someone as twisted as this may get some satisfaction out of hearing you are hurt. As sick as that is, from everything you have said about the bitch...I wouldn't put it past her...

Obviously you need to do whatever if best for yourself and your family so take my advice with a grain of salt. hugs.

hatroopes · May 2014

I agree with the other ladies about not contacting her -I really don't think it would help as it's not in her best interest to help you get closure or give you answers. She obviously doesn't have a conscience as she would not have done what she did in the first place, so there's no telling how she would respond or react. You are a strong woman and this will only get easier with time. (((Hugs)))

skidderdo · May 2014

Is KNOWING going to change anything? Like... if you knew there was more to the story, would you consider leaving your husband? If you found out there was less to the story, would you be able to forgive and move on? God bless you for not kicking DH out on his ass as your first and foremost reaction. I just feel like you need to make a decision, rip the bandaid off, and move on. Either send a letter to vent ("You are a sucky home-wrecker, etc")... confront her directly and get answers to your questions... or do something very symbolic as a declaration of forgiveness. Like a letter to her and one to your husband, forgiving them for the betrayal. But that has to be sincere for you to move on, and it just doesn't seem like you are actually at the forgiveness stage...

This situation sucks. I'm so sorry. It makes me want to barf on her and your husband.

kgs0505 · May 2014

You ladies have all given me things to think about. I really appreciate your support and outrage on my behalf. I will say I was completely nonfunctional for months after I found out. I feel like I'm finally getting better and then this starts overtaking my mind. So something has to happen. I don't think it'll be able to just be symbolic. I do know if I sent a letter, even if I never heard from her, she will have read it. I mean really, can you ever resist a letter from someone? Even someone you don't really want to hear from? Curiosity is just too much. So I'll be pretty sure she got it. I think just getting it off my chest and directed to her for real will be it's own therapeutic action. But I could be wrong. I just don't know until I do it.
Thanks for thinking I'm strong because I sure don't feel that way that often.

elbou · May 2014

I have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes, and no advice, but I just wanted to offer a hug. I hope you figure out what it is you need from her. I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. *hug*

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