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Blended Families
Fiancee/Ex-spouse Dilemma
I have been pondering something after a recent conversation with my fiancee. My fiance's ex-husband has been coming over to her house Mon-Thurs for awhile now (before I entered the picture) to spend time with his 7yr old daughter. Even though he only lives 10mins away, this was done to help alleviate any stress that the daughter would have over the transition of them being separate. I was told that he comes to help her with her homework but often times this may end up with him having play time with her and recently my fiancee told me how the three of them participated in a balloon fight.
Recently, my fiancee told me that her expectation would be that this practice (of him coming over) would continue and not only continue but since I am bringing a 17month old daughter to the relationship, that this would now probably include interaction with the ex and my daughter as well. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure how I feel about him coming over to the house (not to mention if we end up buying a house together) and especially the expectation that my child would be included in the play time with his daughter. However, I am also torn because I want what's best for the girls and if coming over is helping his daughter, who seems well adjusted, then I would want that to continue but is it wrong to not to want to include my child in that? The girls are already so very close.
Recently, my fiancee told me that her expectation would be that this practice (of him coming over) would continue and not only continue but since I am bringing a 17month old daughter to the relationship, that this would now probably include interaction with the ex and my daughter as well. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure how I feel about him coming over to the house (not to mention if we end up buying a house together) and especially the expectation that my child would be included in the play time with his daughter. However, I am also torn because I want what's best for the girls and if coming over is helping his daughter, who seems well adjusted, then I would want that to continue but is it wrong to not to want to include my child in that? The girls are already so very close.
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Re: Fiancee/Ex-spouse Dilemma
Do you live together? You said it was your fiancees house so i cant tell if you live ther or if you live seperate. That is SO uncomfortable. I also wouldnt have my daughter play during their time. I would just say "That's Xs special time with her dad". I juat feel like this is very odd.
How long have your FI and her X been separated? How long have you and FI been together? Is there a CO regarding visitation? And does the BF get visitation outside of these times?
You have a right to be confortable in your own home and in your relatIonship. If you aren't and there is no compromise that can bring that, then end it before you get married.
It's understandable and normal that this makes you uncomfortable. Does that mean tgat their relationship is inappropriate? Not necessarily.
It is wonderful that these parents have such a fantastic relationship, but the daughter needs to get used to seeing, knowing, and understanding her parents and separate entities, as well. If they are truly divorced/separate and staying that way. Otherwise, it going to be nearly impossible to bring a step parent into the family.
FI and her X can still have a wonderful coparenting relationship and do things together with their daughter, even all of you together without it having to be ALL the time!
If you are open to having a relationship with her X, and it sounds like you are, then try neutral grounds like park outings for everyone, attend her daughter's sporting events, or something. But keep it neutral and light and on an acquaintance level.
Make sure you and your FI have clear boundaries set and being followed before continue further (moving in together, buying a house, marriage, etc).
You need to be free to develop your own family if you get married without feeling like you're just a second man added to the picture. Good luck!
The thing is, your fiancee and her ex ARE separate. There are two separate homes.
Divorce (or breaking up) means that things change. Yes, it's hard on the kids, but IMO it is more confusing the way your fiancee and her ex are doing things now. It is GREAT that they are still friendly and co-parent well, but they are no longer an intact family. Your house is not his house.
This is definately something you need to straighten out before you get married. Personally, I would not be ok with the four-day-a-week visits from my partner's ex. You need to figure out what works for you and your daughter, and communicate that to your fiancee. It is unfair to EXPECT you to accept the current arrangement. If you are ok with it, that's one thing, but it is a huge boundry violation and it is perfectly ok if you are NOT cool with the way things are. You shouldn't feel like you are stepping into their "ready-made" family.
@Ambrvan had some great ideas like meeting OUTSIDE the house like a park or childen's events.