Best Advice

persephonerose · May 2014

I know during pregnancy we get bombarded with some strange, outlandish, outdated, and scary advice. But there is lots of good advice if you can filter out all of the junk.

Do you have any great pregnancy or parenting advice that has been helpful to you?

For me, the best pregnancy advice I ever received was to toss out my birthing plan.
I spent so much time analyzing each tiny detail just so I could feel in control of what was going to happen. I am glad I did get rid of it because in the end I had a c-section which I was originally extremely adamant against. It would have been really hard for me to switch gears if I had been locked into "my plan"!

The best parenting advice I ever received was to not compare my child's abilities to the incredible stories of amazing feats by other parents . Parents always think their child is the most amazing child ever. If you try to compare what your child is doing to these stories you will end up disappointed, frustrated, and probably worry needlessly.
I still find it hard not to compare, but life is much easier when I just revel in how great and amazing I think my child is, instead of letting his feats be diminished by someone else's stories.

Emerald27 · May 2014

I actually found the advice to write a birth plan super helpful. :P Not only did it help me work through researching each possible procedure offered during and after birth, but it helped me to know what I wanted, and gave the nurses a simple outline of my wishes in case I was too caught up in the moment to assert myself. It was a valuable tool for me, even though I deviated from my wishes during delivery.

Best parenting advice:

- Trust your heart and your instincts over advice from well-meaning loved ones and from books. If it doesn't feel right to you or for your baby, it probably isn't.

- Babies cannot be spoiled, and aren't capable of manipulative behavior. They use cries and cues to communicate real needs. Infancy is a time in which trust and attachment are established, so it is important to meet your baby's needs swiftly and with love. You'll never wish you snuggled your baby less.

- Life is much easier for everyone when parents toss out the notion of getting baby on a schedule. Babies know when they are hungry and tired, and each has unique needs that might not fit with some pre-planned schedule. It's easier to watch your baby for signs of hunger and sleepiness, and to respond to those signs early, than to try to have baby conform to a schedule...and babies often set their own, pretty reliable schedules, within the first several months of life.

- Nursing to sleep is not a "bad habit," but is natural due to the release of CCK hormone while nursing that promotes relaxation and sleepiness. Everyone at every stage of life has sleep associations, certain conditions required for them to fall asleep (maybe you have to play a game on your phone, read from a book, sheets just right, fan on, etc.), and nursing is a natural sleep association for babies that they outgrow in their own time like any other developmental milestone. It's good for mom's supply too.

...I could go on, but I'll stop there. LOL

mmorga15 · May 2014

You're the mom, sometimes you know more than your doctor.

My doctor was against me changing my daughters formula from the get go, even though she spent 4-5 hours a day screaming in pain. She had horrible colic for the first 3-4 months of her life and they just brushed it off as me being a new mom. One time I ran out of formula and happened to have some soy formula and gave her that instead. Her colic was miraculously gone. Trust your parental instincts if you truly feel that something is wrong.

ashie0610 · May 2014

Do what's right for you and your baby, and don't let others' ways of doing things make you feel guilty.

Crib or bedsharing; breastmilk, formula, or both; daycare, nanny, or SAH... whatever you decide will be what works for you and your baby, and YOU will make the best decisions for your family.

ashie0610 · May 2014

mmorga15 said:

You're the mom, sometimes you know more than your doctor.

My doctor was against me changing my daughters formula from the get go, even though she spent 4-5 hours a day screaming in pain. She had horrible colic for the first 3-4 months of her life and they just brushed it off as me being a new mom. One time I ran out of formula and happened to have some soy formula and gave her that instead. Her colic was miraculously gone. Trust your parental instincts if you truly feel that something is wrong.

Totally agree with this. Our old pedi tried to get involved in parenting issues rather than just medical stuff. He insisted that we needed to take away the pacifier at 12 months and that DS should CIO until he learned to sleep without it. Everything in me felt this was wrong. We decided to wait until he seemed ready and am so glad we did. He stopped using the pacifier without any issues whatsoever at 18 months. It was just so obvious he was ready then and he needed those extra 6 months for that comfort since he wasn't nursing anymore.

We've switched doctors to a practice that's more our style (and is closer to home anyway).

CherylB1201 · May 2014

Best advice I got was about the after birth pains when nursing. For me, they got worse with each kid. The nurse told me to take Tylenol on a good schedule for the first few days because when you let down the cramps start. And boy did the floor me with my second and third.

The other was to trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, it may not be. Don't worry about overreacting. Just check on it. If it's nothing, great and you can relax and be happier for your baby.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2014

This is sort of controversial on this board but my cousin suggested I skip all of the optional testing (quad screen, etc) because it would only stress us out if something came back at an elevated risk. I haven't had one with either pregnancy (or the NT scan) and I'm 100% cool with that!

Best parenting advice for the early months was the 5 S's (can't remember them all now but they are MAGICAL).

Best advice I can give - don't put so much stock in milestones that they are supposed to hit at pre-determined times that you miss out on enjoying where your baby is. Enjoy your child, if something seems off then ask about it. And find a peditrician that you love. It makes all the difference!

SusieBW · May 2014

Kids are more resilient and are capable of more than we tend to give them credit for. Don't stress so much over every single little detail of their care. Think bigger picture and don't get hung up on the individual feedings or naps or diapers or whatever. And don't hover. Kids can work out differences among themselves, and don't need you to intervene. They also need to fall down a few times to learn how to get back up and how not to fall in the first place.

Your child is his/her own person, so don't compare him/her to others. Milestones are there as averages, not absolutes - be aware of them, but don't put too much weight on them. Same for you, as a parent - you do things the way that works for you, and it just doesn't matter what other people do. Don't compare yourself to others. And don't judge them, either - you have no idea what's happening in their life and why they have made the decisions they have.

Be on the same page as your SO with all the things that matter, and then trust them to take good care of your child. I have a couple of friends who would never leave their child alone with anyone, including their own DH. That's not healthy. Your SO may do things differently than you do, but as long as baby is cared for and loved, does it really matter if bedtime routine is slightly different with dad? Don't sweat the small stuff.

bennikki · May 2014

As a STM, I wish I hadn't spent all my first pregnancy reading about labor and delivery and more time reading about how to handle baby once he got here. I wasn't wrapped up in a birth plan so much as I really just got carried away in the research and politics of giving birth. I wish I had read The Happiest Baby on the Block before DS came. This is the book about the 5 S's, and it was amazing for helping DS calm down during the "witching hour(s)", from about 5 PM to 8 PM. I also recommend getting into Dr. Sears The Baby Book. He is a proponent of attachment parenting and a delayed vaccination schedule which aren't my thing, but it was a great reference book for me and still is on things like developmental play, food introduction, tummy time (when DS was younger).

Do not get caught up in milestones by a certain deadline. Some of these supposed milestones, such as rolling over, have changed greatly with new recommendations such as not putting baby to sleep on their stomachs.

I second that nursing your child to sleep is not a bad habit. DS is starting to wean himself from this right now (he's 16 months today), and I couldn't be happier with the breastfeeding relationship we have had, and I'm sad to see him wean. Plus, it's given me anywhere from 1 hour to 20 minutes peace and quiet, in a dark room, with soft music playing while I read my kindle, for nearly the last year and a half - sigh, it's my happy place.

Lastly, my parents advice to us, never argue in front of your kids. It's not that DH and I don't have conflicts and argue (we probably have at least one a day, as do my parents), but we wait until DS is asleep, at daycare, or somewhere else before we have a reasonable and calm discussion about what we're disagreeing on. The extra time it takes to get DS away from the conversation gives DH and I time to reflect on our feelings and have a much more productive discussion, so it doesn't blow up into something else. - This goes the same for money conversations around children of a certain age. I think it's totally fine to have conversations about saving money for and expensive treat like a toy or trip, or picking a reasonable college that the family can afford, but I can't stand it when I hear parents say "we're broke!" in front of their children. DH's parents said this a lot when he was a kid, and he talks about feeling so insecure about money growing up. I believe it's turned him into the hard working, entrepreneurial man that he is today, but how scary for a young child to think they may be out of the street because mom or dad doesn't want to have a calm conversation about how they're going to pay the bills in private.

CheesyPeas · May 2014

One of the best pieces of advice I got early on was to not get discouraged by all of the stuff you'll read about how breastfeeding shouldn't hurt after the first week or two. Sometimes it does. Sometimes you or the baby take a little longer to get it. Sometimes there's damage done that needs to heal. And that doesn't mean you still can't work through it and have a long, wonderful breastfeeding experience. I might've felt like I was doomed or didn't have it in me if my friend hadn't told me that it took her closer to 6 weeks before she felt like things were finally falling into place.

Oh, and the advice to never quit nursing on a bad day is good too. If you think you want to throw in the towel, wait for a good day and make sure you still feel the same way.

lrobi13 · May 2014

theresat858 said:

I completely disagree about not writing a birth plan. I think it is important to think through all of the various possible interventions and know which you want, which you want only if medically necessary, and which you'd prefer to avoid (for instance, I was open to an epi if it became necessary, but knew I wanted to avoid narcotic pain meds bc of how they make me feel). My birth plan went out of the window from the start of my induction, but I appreciated how the nurses still asked about each new deviation from it (made me feel respected) and didn't badger me to get the epi until I was ready. Oh and how my wish for my DD to have immediate skin to skin for an hour was met by daddy taking his shirt off after I had some complications post placenta delivery and couldn't physically hold her any longer. If that wasn't in my birth plan, it wouldn't have happened (not sure if she would have gone to daddy or her bassinet). So yeah, birth plan = important. Just know its not etched in stone. ---- For the newborn days - the first week or two -- forget about anything besides taking care of your newborn. Let the dishes pile or use paper plates. Don't clean (except where required due to baby's amazing ability to pee off the changing table...and that was a girl!). Don't cook anything fancy; let DH get take out or eat simple foods. Eat, a lot, particularly if you are breastfeeding. Nuts make a good snack to have on hand. Only do as much laundry as necessary. Rest and bond with your baby.

The bolded made me cry. That is the best selling point for a birth plan that I have heard.

persephonerose · May 2014

I know for some people the birth plan is important but for me, it was an obsession. I was also very lucky to have nurses and staff that were always giving me options each stage of the way. If they had not been as attentive then I might feel differently. But I loved my nurses and they did a great job of making sure I had a great experience.

jcsumm0 · May 2014

Follow your baby, follow your heart.

HappyCianci · May 2014

Nicb13 said:

Emerald had a bunch of the ones I would use too.
-Trust your gut
-Babies cannot be spoiled
-Forget trying to have a schedule in the beginning because you will just get discouraged
-Ask for help from your partner. Don't expect him (or her) to be able to read your mind and know what they are supposed to do. Remember, you are a TEAM and you need to stick together or that baby will eat you alive!

Yes, totally! Haha. And division of labor is everything. Since menfolk can't nurse, in our house that meant my partner did more of the rocking and swaying when baby was cranky. The whole house (or community!) can get in on the baby care.

One bit of parenting advice I love is to remind yourself that "everything is a phase." During hard times, it helps just to know that as your kid grows, he'll leave behind whatever habit that's driving you crazy. And on the flip side, it helps you treasure the sweet things he does or says that you know won't last forever.

Lauren1184 · May 2014

I don't have anything to contribute, but I just want to thank all you ladies for the advice you've posted. I really appreciate it!

jcsumm0 · May 2014

HappyCianci said:

Nicb13 said:

Emerald had a bunch of the ones I would use too.
-Trust your gut
-Babies cannot be spoiled
-Forget trying to have a schedule in the beginning because you will just get discouraged
-Ask for help from your partner. Don't expect him (or her) to be able to read your mind and know what they are supposed to do. Remember, you are a TEAM and you need to stick together or that baby will eat you alive!

Yes, totally! Haha. And division of labor is everything. Since menfolk can't nurse, in our house that meant my partner did more of the rocking and swaying when baby was cranky. The whole house (or community!) can get in on the baby care.

One bit of parenting advice I love is to remind yourself that "everything is a phase." During hard times, it helps just to know that as your kid grows, he'll leave behind whatever habit that's driving you crazy. And on the flip side, it helps you treasure the sweet things he does or says that you know won't last forever.

Oh yeah. "This too shall pass" was my mantra some days.

MorganWP · May 2014

The advice that everyone will parent differently was big for me. Make decisions that will be best for your family and what works for others may not work for you.

Babies (especially newborns) cannot be spoiled was huge too. My MIL was always saying that I shouldnt hold DD so much or that I should let her cry.

In relation to that, there was an article for Mother's Day on TB about what was the best advice your mother gave you. One of them was "Your baby will be okay for a few minutes while you go to the bathroom/change the laundry/do whatever small chore." And I liked that. Sometimes I was scared that if I left DD alone in the other room something would happen. Did it? Nope.

BeanNut · May 2014

This applies to both but the advice was given to me specifically re parenting-- to stop worrying about what other people think about your the choices you make for your child. I know it sounds obvious but especially for my first child, I felt overwhelmed because people are very, very judgmental when it comes to raising kids.

raynes · May 2014

I don't have much pregnancy advice, other than what was mentioned above about making sure to not just read pregnancy books but parenting books too. And ditto the 5 S's being one of the best things ever.

As far as parenting is concerned, never say never because you never know what will happen. Saying you'll never to X, Y or Z is an excellent recipe for biting your tongue.

Remember that just because your partner doesn't do things the same way that you do that they're not doing it wrong. For the most part you have to step back and let them figure out what works best for them, whether its how they change a diaper or how they rock/shush your LO. You will be sooooooo tempted to step in and be all "well, I do it like this, so any other way is wrong" but don't! It will help them build confidence in themselves as a parent if you're not harping on their every move. (which is too easy to do when you're stupidly sleep deprived)

pinkshades05 · May 2014

Some of the best advice that I have been getting from other 2+ moms:

Call the baby his/her baby so the first child understands that they are just as involved with baby #2 and will take part in nurturing them
When both children are crying, go to the older child first. That way they won't feel like it's a competition or that the baby is a threat. The baby may cry for another minute or two, but they will never remember it as oppose to your older child who will remember.
Giving the older a child a gift at the hospital from the baby (and gives them something new to play with in case they get bored)
Telling the older child, "Do you promise to still be my baby, too?" So they don't feel like they are necessarily being replaced.
Going out and getting matching gifts for each child so they have something in common like taking the older child and baby to Build-A-Bear and having them both make bears.

The best advice I can give as a BTDT mom is if you have mommy friends who brag about their child and how wonderful, smart, athletic, etc. their child is...unfollow them on Facebook, limit your exposure to them, and just remember that your child is wonderful and beautiful the way they are. Once I did this with a "friend" on Facebook and limited our playdates, I found that I was so much happier and happy with who my child was/is. Competition is awful and comparing your child to other children does no one any good. Their child might fart rainbows, but your child is yours and they will learn and explore at their own pace.

Emerald27 · May 2014

Saw this on FB and loved it. It applies so well to this thread and everything parenting.

Kay1029 · May 2014

Never say never. Best aadvice I ever received and give to every person who asks me for advice!

MorganWP · May 2014

pinkshades05 said:
Some of the best advice that I have been getting from other 2+ moms:
Call the baby his/her baby so the first child understands that they are just as involved with baby #2 and will take part in nurturing them
When both children are crying, go to the older child first. That way they won't feel like it's a competition or that the baby is a threat. The baby may cry for another minute or two, but they will never remember it as oppose to your older child who will remember.
Giving the older a child a gift at the hospital from the baby (and gives them something new to play with in case they get bored)
Telling the older child, "Do you promise to still be my baby, too?" So they don't feel like they are necessarily being replaced.
Going out and getting matching gifts for each child so they have something in common like taking the older child and baby to Build-A-Bear and having them both make bears.
The best advice I can give as a BTDT mom is if you have mommy friends who brag about their child and how wonderful, smart, athletic, etc. their child is...unfollow them on Facebook, limit your exposure to them, and just remember that your child is wonderful and beautiful the way they are. Once I did this with a "friend" on Facebook and limited our playdates, I found that I was so much happier and happy with who my child was/is. Competition is awful and comparing your child to other children does no one any good. Their child might fart rainbows, but your child is yours and they will learn and explore at their own pace.

To add to these, try not to refer to the baby as the "new" baby to keep the older one from feeling replaced.

slsl509 · May 2014

Totally agree about the phase thing. I worked myself up over umpteen "disasters" that turned out to be very short phases.

Sleep.Is.Primary. Aside from putting your baby in physical danger, do what you can to sleep. You are not going to hardwire bad sleeping habits in a 3 month old. Nursing to sleep, pacis, rocking, whatever works for your baby. you will go crazy if you don't get sleep.

heathera1979 · May 2014

This is totally something i needed to hear (see). I have a few control issues with certain things and ia have a feeling newborn care will be one (as that's what i do for a living). DH has mentioned this a time or 2. I have a hard time letting him go grocery shopping and he has aid it makes him feel like i don't trust him to do it. I don't want him to feel that way when it comes to LO. I need to make a conscious effort to step back and let him figure it out as long as her safety is not jeopardized. And I'm sure it won't be.

raynes said:
I don't have much pregnancy advice, other than what was mentioned above about making sure to not just read pregnancy books but parenting books too. And ditto the 5 S's being one of the best things ever.

As far as parenting is concerned, never say never because you never know what will happen. Saying you'll never to X, Y or Z is an excellent recipe for biting your tongue.

Remember that just because your partner doesn't do things the same way that you do that they're not doing it wrong. For the most part you have to step back and let them figure out what works best for them, whether its how they change a diaper or how they rock/shush your LO. You will be sooooooo tempted to step in and be all "well, I do it like this, so any other way is wrong" but don't! It will help them build confidence in themselves as a parent if you're not harping on their every move. (which is too easy to do when you're stupidly sleep deprived)

ariel06 · May 2014

For labor/delivery:

Ask lots of questions. The nurses and doctors for my vbac did a great job giving me all the I needed to make the best decisions for me and I felt much more control over my delivery.

With newborns:

Make sure to take care of yourself!

With breastfeeding, take it one day at a time.

If people offer you help, take it!

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