What is with the "were you trying?" question

brianamah · May 2014

I've had at least 10 people ask this as a follow up when I tell them our pregnancy news and I'm taken aback every time. And what's weird is that it comes from people who otherwise are incredibly tactful, which is why I think it must somehow be considered an "acceptable" question.

I just don't get it. Mostly I don't get the motivation behind asking it. Are you really wondering if I know how to properly use birth control? Because when you get down to it, that's what you're asking me.

It's just so unnecessary. I'm married. We have a 2 year old. Lots of people have second kids. Is it that hard to just go ahead and assume this baby was intentional? And even if he wasn't, screw you!

so72409 · May 2014

UGH. So annoying...my least favorite was when I was pregnant with our twins...."So are they natural?" Umm....as opposed to what? unnatural? alien? What you're really asking me is if we did fertility treatments, which is none of your damn business, lady checking me out at Walmart.

KLKilgore · May 2014

I have had a lot of people ask as well, all very happy for us! I didn't take it to be "was it an oops" from the people I am close with. I took it more of a celebration for "getting what you wanted" kind of thing. I know a lot of people "try" for a long time and it is such a joyous thing when they finally do get pregnant. I don't know if that makes sense, but it makes sense in my head

AnnieRoo13 · May 2014

I've gotten this a lot and I was taking it personally for a while, but honestly I think people are just looking for something to say after they say "congratulations!". I understand your anger and I definitely had a lot of "f-you!" moments (in my head) but I'm kind of over it now.

jlove253 · May 2014

Ugh. I hate that question. For the most part, I don't want to tell people that I was actively having sex for the purpose of making a baby. For the most part, I assume you were trying unless you tell me it was a surprise. I guess I'm just a little private about my sex life.

ProcessofBecoming · May 2014

Um.... yeah. This was my in-law's initial response to when my husband informed them (actually, they had guessed I was pregnant and he just confirmed their suspicions(. I expected flak, because the only grandchild they truly were happy about is my 9 year old stepdaughter, who my mother in law blatantly, BLATANTLY favors. My mother-in-law treats that kid like the daughter she never had--even though she HAS a daughter. My son, we got a tepid response at best when we announced. And this baby? "Oh..... was this.... PLANNED?"

Bitch, I am 42 years old, own my OWN house (I owned it prior to meeting my husband--and I pay the bills on it too, thankyouverymuch), between myself, my family, and my son's godmother who spoils him rotten, my kid wants for NOTHING. And his brother will want for nothing. There is NO reason for you to be judging my family planning. Step the fuck off.

They have known about my pregnancy for a few weeks now, but I have not said Word One to them about it, and they ask me nothing. It's like the elephant in the room. I'll be damned if I bring it up to them.

Sorry for all the profanity, this still burns me. What makes it shittier is that my parents are dead. If my parents were alive, they would be thrilled about this. They were such good grandparents to my nieces and nephew. Always there for them. That makes me miss them that much more.

krgriffin26 · May 2014

The question didn't really bother me. If they were going to ask an intrusive question then I didn't care about being blunt. My answer is and was "yep, diligently" Their reactions were always funny lol Lots of "oh......", "hahaha ok then" and just plain laughing. I'm 29 and married so I really didn't have too many people that didn't know that we were "trying"

Maelara · May 2014

Almost every single person I have told about this pregnancy has asked this question. They did with DD too. It becomes very insulting. It's almost like they don't think you should have kids

sweetbabyrahe · May 2014

I know, I have gotten this question often. I just say "yes." It makes me wonder if I have ever had the same response to someone else. Now I am really conscious of it though.

moroccojade · May 2014

ANNOYING.

I had one person ask me if I was sure I wanted it. (YES, very much.) And if I was worried if we could afford it (Six figures a year is plenty to raise a kid, TYVM. Not everyone needs to be a millionaire!)

WTF! Go away!

TeeJ526 · May 2014

I'm not a fan of the question either, but I've been asked way more intrusive questions regarding this pregnancy so it doesn't bother me much anymore. A co-worker asked me if it was planned last week, and everyone else gave her a side-eye. But, I know that she had a failed IVF last year so I didn't mind her asking and I didn't mind answering.

mander82 · May 2014

I don't mind the question, I got asked it alot, but to me, its like they want to know how to respond to the news. Most people were so shocked, you could tell they were not sure how to respond......like "oh my goodness, i am sorry, it will be ok, you will see" or....... "thats fantastic! good for you guys! so happy for you both!"

ha ha ha......both could be positive, but I am sure its more a knee jerk reaction to the shocking news.

The one response I got though was pretty fucked up. One guy at work "I know it HAD to be an accident, right ?"

pfft....whatever dude.....no. We have been trying since October. Douche......he is always dumb with his words though.....so it was to be expected of him.

Yami4 · May 2014

Yea this question makes me just a tad uncomfortable. We just told my family last week on Mother's Day and we've already been asked like 3 times. It's like, um, why do you wanna know? Meh.

brooklyngirl18 · May 2014

i hate this!! when people ask me that i'm like i'm 29, i've been married 1 1/2 years, we just bought a 4 bedroom house with 3 spare bedrooms...you do the math. i think people were surprised and assumed we'd wait longer but i didnt tell anyone we were going to start trying because i think it's odd to tell people that. i kind of cringe because you never know how long its going to take and i felt like people would always be watching me and if i was drinking and stuff.

highbornhunter · May 2014

I don't think anyone's asked me this because everyone important knew that we were. We weren't trying long (so lucky!)

You guys know some rude people! Boo to them. Yay to you for handling it as gracefully as possible.

emoxymoose · May 2014

With my first I had a very good friend say "oh, is this good news?" What kind of a thing is that to say to anyone?

DoubleUp8 · May 2014

I have several reactions to this:

1. From people in my age group who aren't trying, I wonder if it come partial from a fear that BC can fail.

2. People aren't sure how happy you are, was it a surprise you are making the best of, or were you trying to make this baby and really excited (not that you can be excited about a surprise).

3. People are naturally curious and don't think before they speak.

4. I want to answer with a snarky response like: "Why, yes actually, DH and I were humping like rabbits trying to make this baby" or "No, after 8 years together we forgot how to use BC" or "Do you want to know what positions we tried too?"

Kaleburger · May 2014

I just started telling people "Actually, we were fucking with purpose for a whole year." Basically the same thing I said when we were TTC and people were rude enough to ask.

cindyNmark2010 · May 2014

The question kind of bothered me for a bit, as if they should just ask "so is this an accident or what?". I just thought it was always a weird question that I would neer ask anyone. We tell everyone we decided to stop not trying and let nature do it's thing.

ejpetey · May 2014

Similar (but slightly worse I think) to this I've been getting "What are you going to do?" Granted I'm 35, single, and this was definitely a surprise, but I'd rather people just err on the side of "Congratulations!"

lincoln79 · May 2014

One question I doubt we will ever get after sharing we are using a gestational surrogate.

If I ever DO get the question, I will not be able to control the smart-ass answer that will come out of my mouth....

mtusnow · May 2014

I think some people are just rude but others are trying to be considerate but it just comes out wrong. They just haven't gauged well if you are happy and excited or coming to grips with something that has caught you completely off guard.

For example, my pastor asked something like, are we excited or is this a good thing. Because of his occupation he also gets people who tell him who are in complete shock, resentful, or coming to grips because it wasn't expected or planned. So I know he was doing his best to be considerate and give an appropriate reaction that matched where I was currently at.

When my friend called me years ago to tell me she was pregnant she sounded miserable so I asked her if she was happy about it because it sounded like she was going to burst into tears (not happy tears) and may have been in shock and not sure how they were going to handle it. It turns out she was just miserable with morning sickness but it was impossible fro me to tell over the phone. Prior to me asking I couldn't figure out if I need to take on a consoling supportive role or a congratulatory role.

MalachiteDrake · May 2014

I've had a couple of situations with pregnant friends where I wasn't sure if they were happy or not about the pregnancy, so I would ask, "Are you excited?" because that's really what I think most people are wanting to find out from the "planned/not planned" question. Basically, should I congratulate you or commiserate with you?

Because of my situation with psych meds, actually starting TTC was a process and I told the people that see me on a regular basis exactly what was going on so they could help me monitor any behavioral issues coming off my meds. I got extremely lucky in that it took us two weeks to conceive and the rollercoaster ride of hormones from pregnancy seems to have actually had an effect very similar to my psych meds on my mood (meaning I'm actually more emotionally stable and functional while pregnant than I was on my meds). So, none of the "was this planned" questions for me, and no waiting to tell to people (because I suck at keeping happy secrets

).

Richardsmom_817 · May 2014

Very annoying question & a little bit rude....I am getting this, too, this is our fourth, maybe that's why, people are probably thinking they can't possibly WANT four kids, haha. With close friends, it's something I have talked about on & off for at least a year, so yes, we definitely 100% planned this last baby.

runningmama14 · May 2014

I have been asked by almost every single person we have told. For us, I think it stems from a few things. We've been together 15 years and have actively been trying to adopt from foster care for some time. I think everyone just assumed we were infertile and that's why we were adopting. It's hard for people to understand why you would want a kid from foster care as your first choice, evidenced by the far more rude comments we got on that subject.

Bklynnj0118 · May 2014

It's pretty irritating. I get asked it all the time. Its never something I would think to ask someone but maybe I am in the minority.

brianamah · May 2014

OLJ1010 said:

And was like, "I never really understand how to answer this question. It wasn't an accident if that's what you mean" (we were NTNP and got lucky on the first try). She looked taken aback and said, "Yeah I guess that is kind of a weird question to ask people."

I wish I reacted closer to this. I always just sort of blurt out "yes we were basically trying" to get us off that topic as fast as possible, and then only later do I wish I'd thought to call them out on it. Once, I did manage to point out to a friend that it was an odd question and she just said I guess we are all nosey... which didn't seem like a satisfying resolution but I don't know what I expected.

LittleLadyAKS · May 2014

My favorite thus far has been : "is this a congratulations or an im sorry occasion?" Excuse me? All babies deserve a 'congratulations' whether they were planned or not.

2ndGeneration · May 2014

I've had people assume that it was a suprise or change of life baby! I'm not anywhere near the change of life (I'm 42, my mom didn't until her mid-50's) and we have been trying for over a year with two m/c's last year...people who know about that dont say the dumb stuff, it's been more casual folks who have said that.

Kristy774 · May 2014

I've never had anyone ask me this...anyone that is important to us knew we were trying.

runningmama14 · May 2014

Kristy774 said:

I've never had anyone ask me this...anyone that is important to us knew we were trying.

I've had complete strangers ask me this!

Only a few friends knew we were trying and no family. We already had the pain of explaining our failed adoption to the entire world over Christmas, so we just kept pretty quiet about it. I had a few friends that I vaguely told maybe we would try for a bio for awhile before getting back into adoption. I only had 1 couple that I flat out told we were trying and that was because they are trying through artificial insemination with a donor and we both kind of were alluding to maybe being pregnant soon while we were training for some races together. i don't think DH told anybody.

Soonergirl131 · May 2014

DH and I have only been married 7 months and I'm 13 weeks pregnant, so we get this question frequently. I get it, it was fast but do people really not see how insensitive this question is? What does it matter? I am pregnant and we are going to be parents very soon wether it was planned or not I am ecstatic that we are growing our family and that God Blessed us so soon. Ugh ppl think before you speak.

DoubleUp8 · May 2014

Then other related comment to "were you trying?" is "I didn't know you were trying. Sorry friends and family DH and I did tell you all we planned to have regular unprotected sex until he knocked me up (an even more in the 9 months after that!)

mockingjay1 · May 2014

I've only had one person ask me this and it was DH's cousin's husband. I do like him, but he's a little socially awkward sometimes. We went over there to see their new baby 2-3 weeks ago and was like, 'So... planned or unplanned?' I was so taken back I just said planned (which is true). We had been trying for quite a while with one loss last Feb, but never told any family we were trying. We've been married 5.5 years so I think a lot of people assumed we didn't want kids.

Byrdie15 · May 2014

I asked this question to two of my coworkers. At the time I was trying really hard to get pregnant and I asked them because I wanted to know if they did anything different or got medical help or had any advice.

I asked them the other day if that pissed them off or offended them and they say it didn't. I dunno I guess I'm just really open and honest and expect the same from others.

JustJainey · May 2014

I just got this question today and somehow I feel it was age related (I'm 41 and DH is 55)

DH gets "Wow, you want to do it all again?" He's awesome and says he liked it so much the first time around, why wouldn't he?

tamarnina · May 2014

People are nosy jerks. With our first child, we'd been married 4 years and people still asked us if the pregnancy was planned (including my parents!). Then we had our second almost 6 years later and people asked us (1) if I had had fertility issues or (2) if the second pregnancy was an accident. Now I am pregnant with number 3 and I cannot imagine the questions I get once I go public with the news.

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