Something in the Water

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

No not pregnancy!

So, it seems like some of us are looking for a new job/ thinking about a new job. Add me to this group, but not sure if this is the right thing to do or not. Here's the sitch:

H and I are really unsteady. We are basically trying to figure out if we are going to stay together or not. This is making me think that I really need to make more money so that I can afford to support DD on my own. Right now, with my salary this isn't possible (VHCOL area, daycare, transportation-- my train ticket is almost 300.00 a month).

I love my current job. I work for a huge well known (in my industry) corporation. The benefits are amazing, vacay is amazing, bosses and co-workers are amazing. I work in the middle of Manhattan-- like, literally. My office is in the Empire State building. Lots of my friends also work in the city so it makes socializing fairly easy. The downsides are the commute and the pay. They both are miserable.

I have been corresponding with somone in hiring at another company--similar industry/ similar job. They are local to my home-- maybe a 25 minute drive. Compensation is better, yearly bonuses, health care. Downside is obvioulsy the people could be nightmares and the company in general is much smaller and much well less known (so I am imagining if they are "resume worthy"?) So better commute, more money but maybe less mobility and less chance for socializing.

This is TL; DR so sorry if I put you to sleep. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ago · May 2014

Hmm. Definitely look into it.

Are you guys at the point that you are figuring out finances if you don't stay together, as in - do you think he'll be able to help with daycare?

Also, do you think that something more local might give your relationship an opportunity as well?

gwendarling · May 2014

Would you be getting a higher title to go along with the higher salary? how many years have you been at your current company? Any growth opportunities there? Maybe it's time for you to have a discussion about a promotion or raise with your manager?

eta: sorry you're having to go through these discussions with DH.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

Ago said:

Hmm. Definitely look into it.

Are you guys at the point that you are figuring out finances if you don't stay together, as in - do you think he'll be able to help with daycare?

Also, do you think that something more local might give your relationship an opportunity as well?

He can help, but not too much ($$ wise).

Money (the constant lack of it) has played a HUGE part in the deterioration of our relationship

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

gwendarling said:

Would you be getting a higher title to go along with the higher salary? how many years have you been at your current company? Any growth opportunities there? Maybe it's time for you to have a discussion about a promotion or raise with your manager?

eta: sorry you're having to go through these discussions with DH.

Thanks.

It's a slightly different title-- probablly a little more prestigeous/ better looking title.

I had the discussion right before the new year in RE a raise promotion and there's just nothing open right now. Doesn't mean there won't be in the future, but I am feeling pretty antsy now about my personal situation.

eyenigh · May 2014

I don't think it's a bad idea to explore your options, but the only thing that would concern me a little was that if you're already in kind of a high stress situation at home, then it becomes more stressful if you split up, would you also want to the stress of adjusting to a new job at the same time? Also, if you don't split up, would the stress of the new job create more tension at home as well? I'm just playing devil's advocate.

Are you in a very small niche of fashion where there are only a few options for you or are you just limited to the NYC area? I know you had mentioned before that this was the only place that you could really work in your field. If there are future opportunities, a better title that shows advancement could definitely be beneficial.

JackoftheBox · May 2014

I think you should look into it. Something better might be just a step away.

jellybean529 · May 2014

Definitely look into it. You can never have too much money or too short of a commute when you're a single parent.

Also: Feel free to PM me any time you want to talk. My ex-H and I separated in September of last year and I went through a lot of this similar stuff. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

hopefulmom81 · May 2014

My mom was a SAHM and was 100% financially bound to my dad (still is). I know she wishes she would at least have the option to leave.

I feel that you should look into as many positions as you can to get yourself to a place where a split wouldn't financially devastate you.

As for the size of the company, very few looking at resumes care about that as much as they do your qualifications and if those match up to the position they are looking for.

My DH works for a 4 person architecture firm and is getting WAY more qualified than he would at a super large firm because he is able to be involved at every level, kwim?

I say go for it and see what happens. GL.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

eyenigh said:

I don't think it's a bad idea to explore your options, but the only thing that would concern me a little was that if you're already in kind of a high stress situation at home, then it becomes more stressful if you split up, would you also want to the stress of adjusting to a new job at the same time? Also, if you don't split up, would the stress of the new job create more tension at home as well? I'm just playing devil's advocate.

Are you in a very small niche of fashion where there are only a few options for you or are you just limited to the NYC area? I know you had mentioned before that this was the only place that you could really work in your field. If there are future opportunities, a better title that shows advancement could definitely be beneficial.

Thanks-- I have thought of all of that too-- like it might be really tough to do two hard things at once.

It's not that I work in such a small niche-- but fashion is a "big" small industry-- if that makes sense. My family is all here-- so in terms of help with DD (picking up from daycare, general babysitting help) I would have to stay local for that.

I think it's probably best for me to stay in the NYC/ NYC metro area-- although I know there are other large companies that have HQs in other parts of the country.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

jellybean529 said:

Definitely look into it. You can never have too much money or too short of a commute when you're a single parent.

Also: Feel free to PM me any time you want to talk. My ex-H and I separated in September of last year and I went through a lot of this similar stuff. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

gwendarling · May 2014

I always say to interview because you should always see what's out there. it keeps you competitive, too.

for what it's worth, I think there is TREMENDOUS value in continuing to work for a company that you love and a team (and most importantly a manager) that you love and get along with well. Another consideration is your proximity to family - seems like you have a good support system. So, if you had an opportunity to go to a smaller place where you were okay about the people/manager, I personally would give more weight to the current sitch where you have a great team and there just aren't as many open roles at the time. Because they can help you move up.

But clearly I'm putting the cart before the horse! In any case, you should absolutely interview and see what they have to offer

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Could you go for an interview and meet some of the staff at the other place? That might help give you a feel for what your new coworkers would be like.

meo34 · May 2014

I am getting ready to start a new job on June 2nd. When I applied I wasn't sure about it and through the interview process I got to know my new boss and other managers. I also got to feel out their vision and express my views and it helped me understand the position better. Ultimately when I was offered the job I was in a much better place to make an informed decision than from the initial job posting. So am in camp go for it. I also want to add sorry you and your DH are having trouble. I know you said you tried therapy and it did not work out but you may want to try another, even if your DH has not lived up to his end, even try one on your own to help you work out what you want.

legalbeagle1 · May 2014

Add me to the "dip your toe in" chorus. To take a less serious/more fun analogy, I liken it to a dress I see in a window that is clearly way too expensive but I fall in love with it. It is always a good idea to go in and try it on because there is often a good chance that it just doesn't look as good on me as it does on the mannequin! And then I'm not thinking "Oh, I wish I could afford that dress" but instead "Oh that wasn't right for me." I think the more info you can find out this potential job the better and then you'll be able to make a real decision and it might be to stay with your current job. It should also give you a better idea about what you should be making, etc. at your current job and leverage in negotiating if possible.

Hugs on all the DH stuff. Having a child has been unbelievably stressful on our marriage. I work downtown, but if you ever feel like taking the train and grabbing some coffee I'm in.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

legalbeagle1 said:
Add me to the "dip your toe in" chorus. To take a less serious/more fun analogy, I liken it to a dress I see in a window that is clearly way too expensive but I fall in love with it. It is always a good idea to go in and try it on because there is often a good chance that it just doesn't look as good on me as it does on the mannequin! And then I'm not thinking "Oh, I wish I could afford that dress" but instead "Oh that wasn't right for me." I think the more info you can find out this potential job the better and then you'll be able to make a real decision and it might be to stay with your current job. It should also give you a better idea about what you should be making, etc. at your current job and leverage in negotiating if possible.
Hugs on all the DH stuff. Having a child has been unbelievably stressful on our marriage. I work downtown, but if you ever feel like taking the train and grabbing some coffee I'm in.

Thanks for the offer and the analogy is actually really helpful!

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

lildis09 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Ago said:

Hmm. Definitely look into it.

Are you guys at the point that you are figuring out finances if you don't stay together, as in - do you think he'll be able to help with daycare?

Also, do you think that something more local might give your relationship an opportunity as well?

He can help, but not too much ($$ wise).

Money (the constant lack of it) has played a HUGE part in the deterioration of our relationship

Can I ask how so? DH & I have literally been poor the entire time we have been together. Its hard, but we both work hard to live within our budget. Is that not happening in your situation?

Also, I'm in camp it can't hurt to look into it. Would having a higher salary help your relationship? A shorter commute is also a huge bonus.

It's the money but so much more. We have been thru the trenches in our relatively (7 year) short marriage.

I won't bother to bore everyone here with the long version, but the super short clif's notes version is that he doesn't want to work any more than the bare minimum. He's comfortable living paycheck to paycheck, and that's unacceptable to me.

He has a degree in a highly employable professional field.

TittsMcGee · May 2014

I second everything others posted. It wont hurt to look into the second job.

Also creepy internet hugs to you. H and I have had a lot of marital problems in the last year or so. I finally sat down with him and told him we need to get counseling or go our own separate ways. GL.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

DutchKatie said:

Add me to the 'can't hurt to look around'- camp. If you're considering a split, it's good to know what your options are, and extra money and a shorter commute may ease the pressure on your marriage as it is
Of course it wouldn't help with incompatible financial habits of you and YH, maybe couples counseling could help?

We have done couples counceling -- did it for a full year. I have also been in individual counceling and H went to individual counceling for a bit (but no longer goes).

I will def keep my options open!

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

TittsMcGee said:

I second everything others posted. It wont hurt to look into the second job.

Also creepy internet hugs to you. H and I have had a lot of marital problems in the last year or so. I finally sat down with him and told him we need to get counseling or go our own separate ways. GL.

Right back at you!!

TittsMcGee · May 2014

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

TittsMcGee said:

I second everything others posted. It wont hurt to look into the second job.
Also creepy internet hugs to you. H and I have had a lot of marital problems in the last year or so. I finally sat down with him and told him we need to get counseling or go our own separate ways. GL.

Sorry to hear that, @tittsmcgee.
Did he end up agreeing to counseling?

Yes.

It was after I started looking for an apartment and even talked to my parents about staying with them for a while. We went to counseling every week and still go once a month. I finally feel like we're at a place where we don't need it but it helps to talk to a 3rd person who will listen to us and our concerns.

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