Anxious about names (infant loss mentioned)

MandMLeona · May 2014

We like to use family names for our girl's middle names. We've used up our mother's names and therefore one of the great grandmas (MIL was named her mother's name...and no she didn't pass until very recently.) I've already got a niece named for my paternal grandma and her middle name was my mom's first name...so already used. I'm left with his paternal grandma he didn't like and my maternal grandma. I'm named after my maternal grandma so first name is out. That leaves me with her middle name. However, my aunt used it as the first name of her only child. The child had medical issues that made machines necessary for her to breathe...among other issues. We knew of her challenges very early on in the pregnancy. I became her support person and was there every day in the NICU until we turned off the machines. Sorry TMI, but I want you to understand this isn't just a can I reuse a name used by a cousin thing.

So I have two concerns about using this name. I don't want to hurt my aunt. I also don't want my daughter to feel creepy about being named after a dead baby. I've sent my aunt a private message asking her thoughts. I figured that would allow her to think about it and give me an honest answer when she's ready. There is no way to know how the baby would feel...so I'm asking you ladies your thoughts. I have a SIL named the same name as the infant her grandparents lost (everyone insists she's named after the two grandmas who's names were mushed together to create the name, not the dead baby). No matter how much people tell her that she has been weirded out about since she found out about the other baby in her ate teens. Since this is the middle name, I'm hoping it wouldn't be as upsetting. but I'm second guessing everything.

I know there is a names board, and I post there, but this felt more personal...and I know you ladies better.

I'll post the actual names after I get some feedback on the situation itself. I'm hoping you ladies will be able to understand this post and help keep me distracted while I wait for word from my aunt.

MandMLeona · May 2014

Sorry. The name was grandmother's middle name and my deceased cousin's first name.

shevaCC · May 2014

I think I would be a little weirded out to find out that my name was the same as my dead cousin's.

Why can't you reuse your paternal grandmother's name as the middle name, even though there's another cousin named after her? Or use your own name/maternal grandmother's first name as her middle name? I would do that before choosing the middle name that's the cousin's first name (which to me would seem like she's named after her cousin).

Jennicillin · May 2014

Can you just dig deeper back into your family tree? Or maybe it's just time to break away from the tradition a little bit and take a female name from you Husbands side of the family?

cashews29 · May 2014

It's a middle name. It's not a big deal. You don't need anyone's permission to give your child the same middle name as her grandmother.

Raclla · May 2014

Shouldn't there be a warning in the title about the numerous mentions of a dead baby?

chase16 · May 2014

Jennicillin said:

Can you just dig deeper back into your family tree? Or maybe it's just time to break away from the tradition a little bit and take a female name from you Husbands side of the family?

I agree with this. I personally wouldn't like to know I'm named after a dead cousin.

RunningJ · May 2014

I am named after my aunt, who passed away from cancer before I was born. Although this is a slightly different situation, it has never creeped me out.

KittyMisha · May 2014

Notchotchke said:
I think you did the right thing asking your aunt. Wait for her feedback and if she is ok with it I'd use the name. Why is it a negative thing to not only honor your grandmother but also the baby who passed? I think it is a nice thing to do and not at all weird.

I agree. If it is important to you to follow this naming tradition and your aunt doesn't mind, then go for it. Being named after a relative who has passed away is usually an honor. Also, I assume you won't tell your DD until she is older and hopefully mature enough to understand.

Allison7 · May 2014

I think you should wait until you hear back from your aunt. Personally, I think it is nice that you could honor both your grandma and your cousin, but your aunt'a feelings are really the most important. And if she says not to use it, don't worry. It is okay to use something new or to use a derivation of the name. For instance, my mom is Kathleen but my grandma (and her mother and generations back all the way to before 1600) were all named Catherine. I am named Allison after a favored aunt, but her name was Alice. Changing the name up a little would be a way still honor the people you love, but without rubbing any still fresh wounds your aunt might have.

MandMLeona · May 2014

Thanks, ladies. If my aunt is comfortable with it and we decide to use it, it will be for a middle name only. I would never use it as a first name. That little girl means a lot to me, too.

I've never considered using the name before, but this year was the 10 year anniversary and some how being pregnant over that time...I don't know it just keeps popping up in my thoughts.

chase16 · May 2014

I may get flamed for this.. but I feel like naming your child after a dead baby (sorry for the crudeness.. there's really no good way to put that) is different than naming him/her after a dead relative. It almost has a creepy/horror movie-ish feeling to me. If I had to explain why I feel like it's different.. I think it's because you name your child after a relative (or friend) to honor that person: their personality, their traits, their accomplishments, their deeds, their life. An infant hasn't really lived in the same manner.. so you're almost honoring their death.

..buuuttttt maybe that's just mean, and I'm about to get flamed. I apologize if that was offensive to anyone.

MandMLeona · May 2014

@chase16 I get what you are saying. If I hadn't gone through the experience, I would most likely feel the same way. She had a presence, a force of will, a personality...a strength that any mother would be proud to see in her daughter. But you do express the perspective I worry my daughter would have when she learned about my cousin. Hopefully my daughter will never experience that type of loss and so would not have the same perspective I have learned to have.

That's one of my biggest worries and why I haven't even discussed this with DH yet.

Hilee18 · May 2014

I used to baby sit a little girl she had been a twin and her twin sister died in utero. She knew this all her life it seems, and they had already named both their girls so when the living twin was born she was given all the names. As a little girl she thought it was special and when she got older she realized it was a way for her and her parents to honor her sister who never got a life.

I'd say if you and your aunt are okay with it, it may be a nice way to honor a child lost too soon.

MNdesigner · May 2014

I would definitely see how your aunt feels, and try to be sensitive to her feelings. I have experienced loss, and I would be really, really uncomfortable with someone in my family using the names of either of my boys. Granted it's not yet been 5 years, but those names will always be tied to my children.

Since you're talking about a middle name, maybe that's a different thing, though?

tamarar5 · May 2014

I would definitely find out how your relative feels about using the name, but let me put in an alternative POV.

My cousin and his wife lost their first baby. My dd was 5 at the time and she had been so excited because this was going to be her first "cousin." When I had to tell her that baby A went to live with Jesus, she was heartbroken at first.

A few days later she came back to me and asked if she could change her name. Dd has an unusually spelled first name and had been getting teased a little at pre k, so I asked her why- expecting to hear something about that. I just about melted when she said she wanted to be named after her baby cousin A so she could have her very own Angel.

So being named after someone who died isn't always bad, even if it's a child. Of course, my case was a little different than yours.

My suggestion, would you be able to take a different form of the name in tribute? If the name is Kate, use Caitlan instead, for example. That way you can still use the familial name, but it's not such a shock to the grieving family? Just a thought.

MandMLeona · May 2014

My aunt responded: "Oh, that would be wonderful! I have no problem with that at all. In fact, the idea makes me happy!"

So, I have her blessing. Now I have to talk with DH.

BTW, the name is Ruth, so I don't think there are any different forms to consider, but I appreciate the suggestion.

babypants11 · May 2014

DD is named after my baby sister. Her middle name was Elise, and DD's name is Ellie.

I could never reuse my sister's first name (she died at six months old), but I think it's incredibly special to give new life to a sad memory.

Want a personalized experience?

Anxious about names (infant loss mentioned)

Re: Anxious about names (infant loss mentioned)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards