Advice about breastfeeding a newborn around the in-laws!!

kara222 · May 2014

So, my husband's parents have told us that they are coming the moment we call them to tell them I'm in labor. Yikes. They live 10 hours away and are driving so it should take some time. They'll stay in our house for a couple of days once LO arrives. I am so nervous about breastfeeding around them - do you have any tips!?

We have a 2-story house, plus finished basement. The main floor is where I plan on doing everything except sleeping, so I'll be BFing on the couch in front of the tv - same place where the family hangs out. I don't want to have to walk upstairs every time to feed her in her nursery where it's not as comfortable. How do I go about telling the in-laws that it's time to feed and I'd like to stay on the couch? I know my mother in law will understand and I plan on talking with her about this, but my father in law is quite a different story....anyone have experience with this situation? I know they'll both understand if I ask them to go downstairs and hang out for a while, but it seems rude of me to ask them to leave when I can fully leave myself.

WashingtonQueen · May 2014

Yeah, I don't care who's around. It's my house and my baby, they can either deal with it or remove themselves from the room.

kara222 · May 2014

Idani said:

Honestly I wouldn't even want my inlaws to stay with me immediately after giving birth. It sounds like you aren't too thrilled either and that they might make things even more stressful. Personally I would tell them a visit a week or two later would be best or staying in a hotel. As far as breastfeeding, your house your rules.

I wasn't too thrilled to find out they were coming that soon, actually! Talked with my husband about it and he said he'd tell them to stay away for however long I wanted. But the more I talked with friends and read online I realized that a lot of women said it was nice to have the extra help the first week or two.

I know my MIL will cook, clean, do whatever I ask her to do to help out, so at least that's something. We do honestly get along great, I just feel like I'm gonna be super emotional and stressed and don't want to be rude or say something off-hand that I don't mean.

jnnfrrose6 · May 2014

kara222 said:

Idani said:

Honestly I wouldn't even want my inlaws to stay with me immediately after giving birth. It sounds like you aren't too thrilled either and that they might make things even more stressful. Personally I would tell them a visit a week or two later would be best or staying in a hotel. As far as breastfeeding, your house your rules.

I wasn't too thrilled to find out they were coming that soon, actually! Talked with my husband about it and he said he'd tell them to stay away for however long I wanted. But the more I talked with friends and read online I realized that a lot of women said it was nice to have the extra help the first week or two.
I know my MIL will cook, clean, do whatever I ask her to do to help out, so at least that's something. We do honestly get along great, I just feel like I'm gonna be super emotional and stressed and don't want to be rude or say something off-hand that I don't mean.

It's nice to have some help, but that doesn't mean you want them staying there. My MIL came down after DS was born, but she still stayed in a hotel. She came over in the morning at a pre-arranged time and left in the evening whenever made sense. It's one thing to have them over to help out, it's quite another to try and "host" them when you just had a baby. It's not like they are going to be helping you out at night anyways, so why do they need to be staying there.

As to the breastfeeding in your own home part of it, you'll have to decide your comfort level with just whipping it out in front of the ILs, but it is your home and you shouldn't have to make accommodations for someone else's comfort when you're recovering from having a baby and working on getting the breastfeeding thing figured out. There's nothing wrong with saying simply "I need to nurse right now, would you mind stepping out of the room" if you aren't comfortable with them in there. After one time, you shouldn't even need to add the "step out of the room" part.

Ardmhs83 · May 2014

I just nursed wherever and whenever I wanted. When people weren't there I didn't use a cover, but when my MIL and FIL were over, I just used a small blanket. I never left the room. I nursed at the dinner table right in front of my FIL (with a cover). If they don't like it, they can leave the room. You are feeding your baby...no big deal.

ncbelle · May 2014

It's your house - do what makes YOU comfortable. And if you aren't comfortable with them staying with you post birth, nothing wrong with suggesting a hotel!

+RBL+ · May 2014

I didn't care who was around when I BF'd DS at home. If they didn't like it they could go to another room. If I was out in a very open space, I generally through a blanket over us, but nothing it never seemed to be an issue.

allrightmeow · May 2014

I will feed my baby where ever I please. Anyone not comfortable with it is free to remove themselves.

greeneyed_bride · May 2014

kara222 said:

Idani said:

Honestly I wouldn't even want my inlaws to stay with me immediately after giving birth. It sounds like you aren't too thrilled either and that they might make things even more stressful. Personally I would tell them a visit a week or two later would be best or staying in a hotel. As far as breastfeeding, your house your rules.

I wasn't too thrilled to find out they were coming that soon, actually! Talked with my husband about it and he said he'd tell them to stay away for however long I wanted. But the more I talked with friends and read online I realized that a lot of women said it was nice to have the extra help the first week or two.
I know my MIL will cook, clean, do whatever I ask her to do to help out, so at least that's something. We do honestly get along great, I just feel like I'm gonna be super emotional and stressed and don't want to be rude or say something off-hand that I don't mean.

This was my exact reasoning for not wanting to commit to have my MIL come immediately after DS was born. I don't worry about something I say offending my parents, because they know me well enough to know when I'm just tired or emotional and won't get hurt, but I didn't feel quite as comfortable around MIL. So DH just told her that we would let her know after the baby was born when would be a good time for her to come. It turned out that other than one day in the hospital, my emotions weren't too crazy, so we invited her to come when he was about a week old. But I wasn't ready to commit to that until I knew how I was feeling. She lived 10+ hours away, too, and I still didn't feel bad not allowing her to make her plans way in advance.

I would absolutely have your DH tell them that you'll be glad to let them know after the baby is born when would be a good time for them to visit. Them presuming that it's ok to come stay with you immediately after your child is born without waiting for you to invite them is not good manners.

As for nursing - I used a cover around my father-in-law. He was welcome to leave the room if he wanted to (and he usually did.) I didn't even necessarily say anything to guests/family when it was time to nurse - I would just say to my son, "Are you hungry? Ok, mommy will feed you." That made it pretty clear. I didn't cover around anyone else. If they didn't want to see my boob, they were free to leave. If you don't want to use a cover and you also don't want them to be in the room while you're nursing, feel free to prep your husband ahead of time to tell them to leave the room. He'll probably feel less awkward about it since he's known them his whole life. Just let him know that when you say you're going to feed the baby, that's his cue to ask them to step out of the room.

Pepper6 · May 2014

kara222 said:

So, my husband's parents have told us that they are coming the moment we call them to tell them I'm in labor. Yikes. They live 10 hours away and are driving so it should take some time. They'll stay in our house for a couple of days once LO arrives. I am so nervous about breastfeeding around them - do you have any tips!?
We have a 2-story house, plus finished basement. The main floor is where I plan on doing everything except sleeping, so I'll be BFing on the couch in front of the tv - same place where the family hangs out. I don't want to have to walk upstairs every time to feed her in her nursery where it's not as comfortable. How do I go about telling the in-laws that it's time to feed and I'd like to stay on the couch? I know my mother in law will understand and I plan on talking with her about this, but my father in law is quite a different story....anyone have experience with this situation? I know they'll both understand if I ask them to go downstairs and hang out for a while, but it seems rude of me to ask them to leave when I can fully leave myself.

Did they just push several pounds of human out of their vagina? No? Then it's absolutely NOT rude to ask them to get up and leave instead of you, especially in YOUR house.

Basically, everything should be about you and your baby, not about your ILs. If you don't want them to come stay immediately after the birth, that's 100% okay. If they do stay and you don't want them in the room while you are breastfeeding, then it's 100% okay to ask them to leave.

I recommend discussing your preferences with your H and let him handle his parents. Again, because this is all about you and the baby, you shouldn't have to feel pressured into dealing with anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Justabean3 · May 2014

So I believe the whole bf is natural and all that BUT I don't like to expose my breast to others visiting or whatever. I am just modest with boobs and it doesn't matter to me if I'm just feeding them. If someone else visits then I go lay in our room with him. I had lots of trouble getting him to latch so it wasn't just hook him up... It took lots of nipple in and out and naked breast.

It is still nudity even if a baby is attached or not in my mind. It isn't even sexualized when I say that. I just don't like to feel naked at all where others see. I could care less what others do when I see someone breast feed but it isn't for me unless the baby has a nursing cover on while I do it.

I do suggest telling then to hotel it though for your own sanity

mamabear214 · May 2014

I'm curious, are you asking this question because

1: you are uncomfortable breastfeeding around them and would prefer your privacy

or 2: because you think they will be uncomfortable with you breastfeeding around them?

I can't quite tell from the way the OP is worded.

If the question is #1 then I'd say just ask them to leave. "Hey I'm a little new to this, and this is our bonding time right now, could you please just give us a little privacy for the time being? I'll let you know when we are finished." - this worked well for me with my first. They can go in another room, find something to do around the house like laundry or dishes - since they are there to help anyway, go for a walk. Just make it clear that you do indeed want your privacy.

If the question is #2 then I would again just be upfront with them. "This is my house, this is our child and this is how I'm feeding him. If you take offense to that there are plenty of other empty rooms you can occupy for the time being."

Make sure you and your H are on the same page. These are his parents and regardless of how good your relationship with them is, the message is always louder when BOTH parents are sending it. Everyone gets a little crazy when there is a new baby around, grandparents included. Don't be afraid to give them a reality check if warranted.

oughtonk · May 2014

I would just get a cover or whip them out (it'll probably make them more uncomfortable). If you're really concerned I would talk to your husband and let him tell his parents they need to respect your space and privacy when you're feeding the baby and go somewhere else.

I may end up in a similar situation with my in-laws being here and I'm just going to utilize a cover.

dwnslde · May 2014

My husband and I didn't have anyone visit for 2 weeks after our son arrived. We wanted to bond as a family before we had all these extra people come in. My in laws stayed at a hotel because it was the two of them, they would come over in the morning and then leave after dinner.

chloephoebecali · May 2014

My fil would always leave the room. Not that I cared that he stayed, but he was more comfortable giving me my space. Maybe yours will do the same.

bluebird0521 · May 2014

I will be honest, having anyone stay with me (family or not) would never happen. That sounds like my worst nightmare and I would probably want to strangle everyone.

However, if you are going to be a brave soul and go through with it I would just tell them to leave. You don't know what kind of birth experience you are going to have. You could end up with an episiotomy or a c-section. If it were me, there is no way in hell I would inconvenience myself after going through that. Just tell them to please give you some privacy, and if they are offended then who cares! It is your house after all.

GinnyJ2012 · May 2014

I loved having people stay right after DS was born. My MIL and mom were great about helping in the MOTN for holding LO if he didnt want to sleep so I could. My mom came the first week and my ILs came a week after he was born so I had gotten use to using a nursing cover at that point. I only usef a cover if my Dad or FIL were there, but had one ready because DS liked to spit up!

Talk to your MIL and do what makes you the most comfortable. It's your house and if they are staying with you then they should make your life easier not more difficult.

coffee89 · May 2014

If I wasn't ready to have someone over, especially as an over night guest then I would certainly be putting a stop to it. There is going to be a lot of new things to get use to from diapers, feedings, you and SO's new life etc and I wouldn't want entertaining others for long periods to be on the list.

I'd also have 0 problems asking someone to leave the room. YOU are the one who is potentially in pain, dealing with trying to get a good latch, monitoring a feed all while recovering from birth. It is also your house not theirs. I understand the idea of not wanting to bother them, and if it was practical to go to the other room (for example, everyone is watching a movie and you are getting up to get something and baby needs to be fed as well then by all means, go sit in the kitchen and have a snack while you feed.) Fighting with a cover and not wanting to step on toes is going to make things potentially much more stressful. Remember they had kids so they should understand.

kara222 · May 2014

Thanks guys. Our main floor is open and everyone can see everything that goes on so the only way I'd get privacy is if I walked upstairs to her bedroom. I'm going to talk with my husband about them coming and see if they can at least get a hotel room so they're not with us 24/7. MIL actually suggested it without us bringing it up; I'll just tell him to tell her that it's a GREAT idea and we'd appreciate it!

I don't want to bother with nursing covers so I'll just ask if they'd leave or go upstairs. Hopefully that will work! And hopefully the FIL will stay at the hotel most of the time (he's not fond of his family...bad, long, story) so if that's the case then I'll just BF around MIL and that'll be fine!

Want a personalized experience?

Advice about breastfeeding a newborn around the in-laws!!

Re: Advice about breastfeeding a newborn around the in-laws!!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards