NBR - older child meltdown

JessWhatINeeded · May 2014

How do you respond when someone else's older child has a crying meltdown and their parent is away at the moment?
Summary: We had a 15-20 people over for a BBQ & a few brought kids too. A friend had to run an errand during the afternoon, so she left her 8 yr old with us. Fine. DH said something mildly insulting to her in a joking way - that she wasn't good at throwing a football. Then all hell broke loose. The kid started bawling and threw herself down in our front yard. Nobody could get her to calm down! I tried comforting her, her step father and grandparents tried, my husband apologized for saying something mean. She just cried harder. We gave up and ignored her, in case she was just pitching a fit for attention. This went on for 10-15 minutes, and another 5-10 minutes after her mom returned.
How do you handle inconsolable crying for seemingly no reason 1) when it's your child or 2) when it's someone else's? And more importantly how should I treat my LO so she's not still doing this at age 8 or older? Or do you think it is just a temperament thing that has nothing to do with parenting?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

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sprashley · May 2014

The only thing different I might have done in your situation would be to ask if she wants to go to a back bedroom or living room/ just somewhere safe where she could work out her feelings alone. Eight is getting to be somewhat old, but keep in mind at that age they are still learning how to deal with emotions.

I bet your husband felt pretty guilty for triggering the meltdown. It most likely wasn't that alone, but a combination of things throughout the day that built up. Poor girl, bet she felt embarrassed too.

slwprincess · May 2014

Unless it is a regular recurring thing, I think it's probably developmental and just a matter of her not processing her emotions well yet. My 6 yr old son still has these occasional irrational outbursts. Usually when he's been bottling it up for too long and it all just comes rushing out. He had one last week- started over something small (it was technology day at school and I forgot to send his kindle fire) and oh dear lord... it turned into sooooo much more. I honestly only deciphered bits and pieces of it but there were actually several things that had been bothering him... the new baby and missing mommy, little sisters staying home with mommy while he has to go to school, great grandfather passed away last week, kids say mean things to him at school. etc. He railed on me for a solid half hour before he got it all out and calmed down. I felt AWFUL but his behavior has been so much better since then and I realize that all the back talk and acting out lately was leading up to this so I will know what to watch for in the future. To be honest, there isn't a whole lot you can do in the moment- whether its your child or someone else. I would have done the same as you... tried to calm her but then ignored after a certain amount of time. As for preventing it... that's going to be tricky because I do believe a lot of it is based on individuals and current situations. My son is typically the sweetest, happiest child on the planet. But all of these things piled on and he just crumbled. What could I have done different? I like to give each kid one on one time with me and DH and we haven't been so good about that since the new baby so this time... I'm blaming that. But there have been other occasions where the real reason wasn't so clear and I was left feeling confused and frustrated. So I think this is just part of growing up... each kid will have their moments and you can't really expect them to process their feelings like we do.

nebraska84 · May 2014

I agree with PP, 8 is way to old to be doing this. This is the age group I teach and kids like this have other issues going on. It maybe attention or something else wrong with them. I would be concerned for the child if this happened a lot. Maybe she was tired and it was a once and only thing. But if this is something that reaccures I would be taking her to see the doctor.

boogerbearoriginal · May 2014

I can't help but think it was likely a perfect storm situation - she was with a large group of less known adults, probably felt really embarrassed which was then made worse by the crowd of people, perhaps she was overtired and/or hungry. I probably would've asked everyone to go away and let whomever is closest with her stay to comfort or even ask her if she'd like to be left alone. More people is generally worse in those situations.

While 8yrs old is getting too old to constantly have tantrums, an occasional outburst happens to all of us. Heck, when I'm overtired and/or hungry, I'm prone to acting irrational too. Yea, most days I can deal with the day to day bumps but occasionally if it's been a bad day, perhaps the kids didn't let me sleep all night and I'm over due for dinner I might cry when my H asks a benign question. Everyone has a breaking point, and generally for kids it's going to be even lower than adults.

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