Relationship issues post miscarriage

jennadesigns · May 2014

Not sure where to post this but I think it fits here. **Warning: Living Child Mentioned**

Brief backstory: my partner and I have a 5-year-old daughter together. We have been not trying, not preventing for more than a year. In April 2013 I learned I was pregnant and we lost that baby at 7 weeks. We took some time to regroup and used birth control for a few months. We then decided to go back to the not trying, not preventing method figuring if we were blessed with another, we'd be happy. I got pregnant this April and we lost this baby at 8 weeks. I had a D&C last Friday.

The bottom line is I want to keep trying. While I'm very saddened by the losses, I feel that the pain is manageable when I feel like there is some hope for the future (another child). My partner said yesterday that he doesn't want to try again and if our relationship comes down to that, then he thinks we're throwing it away for a ridiculous reason. I think part of his hesitation is his age. I am 20 years younger than he is and while this has never been a problem in the past, it's becoming a problem now. I know he wants to be active and involved with any child we would have. I want the opportunity to have one more child. I'm 35 years old. I feel like I finally have my life in order to welcome a new child. After these losses, I feel the time ticking away. The idea of not having another one leaves me feeling hollow inside. I love my daughter to pieces and I would love to see her become a big sister, maybe have a sister to grow up with like I did.

I spent yesterday after work curled up in bed, crying. My boyfriend asked what he could do and I said I wanted to try again after we got through this. I got a very negative response and he ended up sleeping on the couch (his choice). I'm not even sure where things are today. I left the house for work before he got up.

Have any of you encountered resistance from your partner in trying for another baby after a loss? Was there anything in particular that helped the discussion along? I just feel lost and abandoned right now. Thank you for being somewhere safe I can talk about this as I have nobody in real life who knows what I'm going through.

stephy1221 · May 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this and so sorry for your losses.

My only advice is that since this loss is so recent give it some time.

He may change his mind, he may not but right now (IMO) things are too raw for solid decision making.

Hugs.

JellicalParker · May 2014

I agree with PP. Give him some time. Let yourself grieve and grow together before you bring it up again. I understand the desire to try again as soon as the doctors say you can, but sometimes the heart isn't ready. He might not be ready yet. Maybe in a few weeks you should start to tell him how you feel. As my DH always tells me, whatever happens will happen, and usually in it's own time.

Good Luck and I hope both you and your SO can come closer together through this.

Yaz14 · May 2014

I am so sorry you're going through this. This is the last thing you need after what you've been through. I think you're right in that maybe your partner feels he's a bit too old for this kind of thing. He probably just wants to get on with life at this point rather than worry about babies and miscarriages. However he also needs to be supportive of you and listen to your wants and needs. Perhaps he just needs time? He also may be more hurt by this than he's letting on. Be sensitive to his needs. Talk to him and tell him how his reaction is making you feel. I hope it gets better!

rlyttle · May 2014

Ticker warning.........

I'm so sorry you are going though this! I was pretty much done after our 2nd MC, but after a few months we decided that we would try ONE more time then quit TTC forever. I agree that you can live your entire life TTC or wishing for a child that you don't have. Fortunately we got pregnant on month 2 of TTC and everything looks good this time. I think it helped us both know that there was a time limit on TTC, and if I had another MC we were done for good. I never wanted DS to think that he wasn't enough for us. We have been blessed with him, and fingers crossed that our last shot ends with a blessing as well. GL to you & your partner.

KingLED · May 2014

@rlyttle‌ you've got a PM.

jennadesigns · May 2014

rlyttle said:
I'm so sorry you are going though this! I was pretty much done after our 2nd MC, but after a few months we decided that we would try ONE more time then quit TTC forever. I agree that you can live your entire life TTC or wishing for a child that you don't have. Fortunately we got pregnant on month 2 of TTC and everything looks good this time. I think it helped us both know that there was a time limit on TTC, and if I had another MC we were done for good. I never wanted DS to think that he wasn't enough for us. We have been blessed with him, and fingers crossed that our last shot ends with a blessing as well. GL to you & your partner.

Thank you, this is pretty much how I feel right now. If I knew we would give it a go for six months and if it happened great, if it didn't then we'd move on, I would be happy. I could live with that. I just want the option to try, even if for a little while. I'm so glad you're getting your rainbow baby!

Thank you everyone else for the comments ... it's nice to have some support and other people's views on what I'm dealing with. I just feel really alone right now IRL. Hugs to all of you!

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