Need some advice

michaela724 · May 2014

A little background...My husband and I have been divorced for over a year now and our daughter is 30 months old. He is currently living out of the country and the last time he saw her was December. I have been dating someone for about 6 months now. In the beginning he was never around my daughter just because we didn't want to force him on her. When we did bring him around her she didn't react very well. Recently she has started to really act out. When he isn't around she asks about him but when he is she won't talk to him and is even disrespectful toward him. He is so good to her and treats her like his own and I just don't understand what to do because it is really hurting his feelings like he has done something to her. Have any of you dealt with this? What can I do?

Ilumine · May 2014

First of all, your daughter is not 30 months, she is 2 and 1/2 years old. using months keeps your child a baby, not the toddler she is. And thus keeps you from looking at her actions and reactions as age appropriate or not.

Second, you have been only dating for 6 months and he was not around in the beginning. That leads to a number of points that you really need to look at (listed in no particular order).

1) even at 6 months of knowing each other, neither have really been given enough time to really and truly BOND in a manner that would dictate that either treat each other like they were "their own".

2) her actions and reactions towards your boyfriend are age appropriate. This can actually happen to grandparents, aunts/uncles and in some cases the other parent. How you act upon her "disrespect" towards others will help her navigate what is the correct behavior.

3) honestly she is freaking 2 and a half years old. She is not being disrespectful. She is being 2 and a half. Being disrespectful is a purposeful action taken by someone who knows that what they are doing to someone else is wrong/hurtful and still does it, especially when it comes to those who rank higher.

A 2 year old does not have the ability to recognize other people's feelings when they can barely recognize what they are feeling. They may be mean because they are not getting their immediate wants handed to them, but that is not disrespect.

3) His feelings are being hurt by a 2 year old? Seriously?

My suggestion is to slow the train down. You have a 2 year old who is just now coming into her own, not just with the normal life changes but with Mama now adding someone else to compete for attention with. Someone who is not her father, but tries to play the role every now and again, when he is around.

BTW, if you think 30 months is bad wait until 36 months.

coopsbaby · May 2014

Ilumine said:

First of all, your daughter is not 30 months, she is 2 and 1/2 years old. using months keeps your child a baby, not the toddler she is. And thus keeps you from looking at her actions and reactions as age appropriate or not.

Second, you have been only dating for 6 months and he was not around in the beginning. That leads to a number of points that you really need to look at (listed in no particular order).

*slow clap*

+just+j+ · May 2014

My daughter is 52 months. I separated from her father when she was 34 months. She wanted nothing to do with him and refused to talk on the phone with him. She would act mad, or as I put it, play hard to get because when he hung up, she would cry. My ex was hurt, but I reminded him that she is a child, and to quit reacting to it and taking it so personally. As soon as he lightened up, she did too. She will on occasion still do it, but for the most part, she's over it.

twister22 · May 2014

At what age do you plan to stop using months? Your daughter is 2.5 yo.....

Her behavior is age appropriate, and is nothing personal to your BF.

michaela724 · May 2014

I used 30 months so you would know exactly how old she way saying she is 2 can be vague because there is difference between a 24 month old and a 35 month developmentally. As far as my boyfriend having his feelings hurt, I think it is fair when he is trying to be apart of her life and she always dismisses him. I just wanted to know how y'all dealt with introducing someone new to your children.

Ilumine · May 2014

OP, you got me on a really bad day. I know that I sound a bit dismissive and for that I am sorry.

But I honestly see a lot of inaccurate expectations from YOU and your BF in regards to your situation, that are more than likely affecting how you see your life and your daughter.

Case in point using weeks (not even months) to describe your child's age but then at the same time throw out behavioral expectations like "respect". These two things are polar opposites - respect is a grade school age behavior/expectation and, well if you think of her in baby terms why are you even going there?

The same goes with the expectations of how a BoyFriend should behave towards a child he barely knows and his expectations of how a child who barely knows him should behave.

Should the child behave to his/her best and age appropriate behavior, you betcha. But to expect more than the basic manners one gives to any adult, to respect him like he was a parent is not appropriate. Because he is not a parent. And in her little world, only blip on her radar.

I am the first to say that I react before I think things through all of the time. Hell I did that yesterday and onto this morning. And I have had to eat my crow and apologize.But you have had 24 weeks to figure this one out.

So my original suggestion of slowing down still stands. Pull back on your behavioral expectations. Recognize your daughter's actions for what they really are, which is not disrespect, but her way of expressing feelings that she doesn't even fully comprehend. And maybe pull your BF back from trying to treat her like she was his child and more like he is another wonderful friend, who while gets the same "respect" as any other adult, is not a primary caretaker.

Oh and stop calling your ex your husband. If you slip here, you are probably slipping in real life, around your daughter. And while she is young and does not fully understand the nuances of life, to continue to call him your husband is confusing to her.

Good Luck

tcam2012 · May 2014

My DH met my daughters when they were about 3 1/2. He didn't start parenting them really until we were right about to get married. Your daughter is very young. Developing a bond, a real one, with any child takes a long time. You have not said specifically what he is doing to try to be a part of her life or what you think she is doing to be disrespectful or dismissive of him. But the way your posts read, it really sounds like both of you ( the adults) are pushing your daughter to accept a level of interaction she is not ready for or comfortable with. That's actually disrespectful of her and her boundaries. I fell for my hubby fast and we got married actually pretty fast but his relationship with my (now our) daughters took its own course. If you've only been dating him 6 months & your daughter has not even been exposed to him for that long, him treating her like his own is odd to me. Treating her well is to be expected but how can he feel like she is his own daughter when he barely knows her? Saying his intentions would be to raise her as his own if you marry is also something that would be ok to me. Idk... This situation is sending up red flags. I think you should be more worried about your daughter's level of comfort & her boundaries. He is an adult & should deal with it. If he's that worried or hurt that a 2 1/2 year old is not paying him enough attention, I'm really sorry to say it, but it would make me question his motives. That's just me though. I obviously don't know him. ETA- one of my girls at 3 1/2 would throw a tantrum in timeouts that was quite a close impression of the Exorcist movie. She's always had a flair for drama. So, as PP said, get ready for the terrible 3s. They'll make you miss the 2s. The 4s & on have been really great though because they now have words for their feelings.

ambrvan · May 2014

My SD was 2.5 yrs old when I entered the picture, and after she had time (a couple months) to know me as Daddy's friend, then we got more serious and I was Daddy's girlfriend. I was just a friend, a buddy to SD at that time. I deserved to be treated as any adult did, but I was not in a primary caretaker until we got engaged, which was still to fast looking back on things.

I tend to think in newer relationships, the incoming adult should just try to be friends with the child. And eventually (and it takes time) there should at the very least be able to be some sort of relationship akin to a teacher, daycare provider, or aunt/uncle. Authoritative, fun, trustworthy, reliable.

You should never expect your child to love someone. No matter how long that person had been around, no matter how much that person has invested in the child. Correct when she acts inappropriate or exhibits unacceptable behavior. But never try to force her to love our accept someone as family. Especially not at this age.

If he is getting his feelings hurt by this, then he is too immature. And if you expect him to be able to step in and automatically become her white knight to replace her daddy, then you are misguided.

On the bright side, usually, step parents who come into a child's life before 5yrs old have an easier time building a relationship.

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