Late loss and early loss?

MrsLaurenandDan · May 2014

We lost our son Noah at 20w in October. We also had an early m/c at the beginning of this month. I'm having a hard time sorting out my grief of the two losses. We obviously had Noah longer, and baby M (lost at 4.5w) was earlier, but more recent.

I guess I'm interested in hearing how those of you who have had both late and early losses balance your grief. I can't even put into words why this is so hard for me.

ikrystal · May 2014

No advice here, as I haven't experienced both. But I wanted to stop by and give you ((hugs)).

MCH77 · May 2014

**living child mentioned**

I'm struggling with this right now too.

My first pg ended with a missed m/c at 13w. Than I had my son.

While TTC2, I started with a c/p. Than lost my son at 24w. I got pg the first cycle we tried and just had another confirmed m/c at 9w.

I'm actually holding it together better than I thought. I think it's because I was expecting it based on betas and u/s. But don't get my wrong it stings so bad. I guess I'm just happy if it was going to happen, let it happen before I'm completely connected. I also think I'm still in shock.

Anyway no advice. Just wanted to say that I understand and it SUCKS. Why does it have to be so hard?

princezjk · May 2014

~~~Sig Warning~~~

I experienced an early loss the first cycle we were cleared to TTC after losing our daughter at 34 weeks. The early loss actually occurred 5 months and 1 day after the loss of our daughter. For me this early loss made me feel like I was experiencing my daughter loss all over. I actually feel like I grieved more for her again then I did my newest lost LO. I don't have advice for you. I think grief is such an individualized thing. (((Big Hugs)))

jess123456 · May 2014

Big hugs to you. I am so sorry for your losses.

Recurrent loss is really difficult. I had two early losses before losing my daughter and then two more after her. I think that I have also found myself trying to compare my losses but the truth is that it all really hurts obviously in different ways. I found myself grieving the loss of my daughter like she just passed away all over again when I lost my two pregnancies after her. I think it's such a mix of emotions because it takes great courage to try again and even though the fear is always there as I am sure you know, you don't think that it will actually happen again and when it does it brings back that feeling of sadness and hopelessness all over again. It's a tough road but know that you aren't alone. I found therapy helped me a lot in my journey. Thinking of you.

LyndseyTS · May 2014

No advice here, but wanted to send hugs your way.

angelsnight · May 2014

Ticker warning, rainbow mentioned

Oh hun, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had an early loss, but it was before we lost Kayla, so I am not really sure how I would feel if it were the other way around. A loss is a loss and they all hurt, I was devastated by my first loss at just over 4 weeks. I cried for several days, was sad for several weeks and to this day I think about how that baby would be 2 years old in August and I wonder what he (in my heart he was a boy) would have become.

But after we lost Kayla, my first loss became very different to me. It still hurt and I know early losses are painful, but it just didn't compare to losing her. I never held him, he didn't have a name, we lost him just a few days after we found out we were pregnant. I'm still sad over it, I'll never forget that baby, but it's just different for me.

When I was about 5 weeks pregnant with my rainbow, I had a huge gush of bleeding. I was 100% convinced it was over. I cried and I was so angry but after that I felt "ok". It turned out to not be a loss of course, but for several hours I was certain it was done. One of the most overwhelming feelings after I cried was relief. I was so worried about being pregnant again, that we would lose this baby like we did Kayla. So since I thought it was over, I guess my predominate thought was relief because I didn't have to worry anymore, and if I was going to lose it, I wanted it to be earlier than later.

Of course I cannot say how long I would have felt like that had it really been a loss, but I also feel like my heart was kind of numb. But I knew I wanted more kids, so we had to go through a pregnancy eventually so I am sure a loss would have still hit me hard. I'm so sorry you're hurting again. Have you considered seeking therapy. Sometimes it's helpful just to talk about your feelings, to get them out of your head.

lrichmond86 · May 2014

Our story is a little different because both of our losses were later... we lost baby gary at 31 weeks and Riley at 17 weeks. I have to say that losing Riley was harder. For a number of reasons (the whole experience of the d&c, not getting to see our hold my baby, the decision not to try again, and many many other things), but a big reason was that it brought back and intensified all of the grief I had over losing baby Gary. If I was a 10 out of 10 on the scale of missing my baby before, now i was a 20 out of ten because I had double to miss, if that makes sense. I also think it was harder because we had Aubrey in between our losses. When we lost baby gary I was grieving everything I thought it would be like to be a parent to my child. Now that I am a parent to a living child I know just what I'm missing with my boys. People are often surprised when I say that losing Riley was a more painful that losing baby Gary, but it's how I'm experiencing my grief and it's what's real for me. This path of loss is difficult and complicated. I don't know when it starts to get better, but it does. Big hugs for you!

MrsLaurenandDan · May 2014

Thank you ladies. And no need for warnings, I also have a sunshine baby. I think it's also a bit different because our IF has gotten worse, so we are dong more invasive (and expensive) meds and procedures. I do have a therapist. I started seeing her about 2 months after Noah died. It's just hard.

stefuge · May 2014

I don't have any advice, but wanted to send some ((hugs)).

bunnybun4 · May 2014

I had my late loss in November 2012, then a MC in May 2013 and November 2013.

Obviously the late loss was just world shattering and awful...however my first mc afterwards was like whatever bandage had been placed over my first wound had been just ripped off. ALL of the old emotions came back and life was MIS-ER-ABLE for quite some time. I remember having tears just come into my eyes during all hours of the day...no matter what I was doing. I was so sad. I felt so kicked when I was already down...I was so angry and hurt. As for how I came out of it, I guess the same way I came out of the first. You just let time march on and you let grief take it's course. I did see a therapist through both losses and that was very helpful.

As for my third loss, I thought it would be the nail in the coffin for me, but as awful as it sounds, it was almost like my grief just went on auto-pilot. I was very sad and frustrated, but no where near to the extent of the first two losses. it was like my grief just went back to where it was before I got KU the third time. who knows how another loss would be for me? (hope I don't have to find out!!!)

I have days where the anger consumes me...i get really edgy somedays and when I take the time to process it I know it is because I am just so pissed at life right now. I would say I am in a good "place" right now and that I have more good days than bad but it still makes me sad and angry that our journey has been so difficult.

I feel like I just rambled but that has been my experience. hth.

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