DH is embarassed by IF

modernfairytale8709 · May 2014

Kind of a vent. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

I was talking to DH about the Resolve DC Walk of Hope coming up, and how I thought it might be really awesome to go and participate.

DH kind of shocked me when he said he didn't want to lump us in with that group. I was mildly confused by what he meant at first by "that group" until it dawned on me that he was talking about couples affected by infertility. I was hurt, and asked him to explain what he meant. He said that he didn't want to give anyone a reason to "look down on us." Then I was angry.

We have been TTC for 18 months. I've struggled with weight issues, irregular periods, and anxiety. I've cried at the sight of babies in stores. And DH is embarrassed by our infertility.

I kind of went off on him, not angrily, but more tearfully, telling him that infertility wasn't anything to be ashamed of. There should be no stigma. I told him that he wouldn't be embarrassed if one of us was afflicted with cancer, so why should he be embarrassed about IF?

I know he didn't mean it negatively toward me, but I find it hard not to take this personally. And I finally have some light shed on the reason why he's so resistant to get an SA done, even though he's been diagnosed with low T for 5 years. I think he's afraid that the results will be negative, and he doesn't want to contribute to being "responsible" for our IF.

jjgrl55 · May 2014

That really sucks. Unfortunately, there does seem to be more of a stigma against MFI than anything else, so it's kind of understandable he might be struggling. I definitely get your frustration with him, but perhaps try to let him talk to you more about why he is ashamed? That might help him to get his feelings out and thus feel less ashamed about it all.

I know my DH has been super supportive through all of this, but has also said some pretty dumb stuff that really bothered me (for instance, "Why would anyone do IVF? We won't ever do that." I came close to slapping him on that one and set him straight VERY fast.) I just try to understand that he is processing all of this differently than me and that is okay, even if it is frustrating.

BunnyBerry · May 2014

I love @ginnyjones82 advice. I will try and see if my DH would be willing to look into an online group of some kind.

I think @jjgrl55 hit it right on the head - it seems to be the MFI that is so stigmatized. Or maybe it's just the males who have egos that can't take IF, while women tend to feel differently?

I feel hurt with DH acts like IF is a huge dirty secret. If he didn't have to compromise with me at all, he's prefer I didn't even share anything with my sister! (That just seems crazy to me, so luckily he grudgingly admits my need to confide in her.)

Have you considered joining the Walk with some friends or on your own? It sounds like it would be a positive experience for you, and perhaps it could be an important message/wake up call to your DH, or would it hurt him for you to be public like that?

ronniesgirl1981 · May 2014

I get it. I am terrified of running into someone I know at the RE even though it would clearly mean we were in the same boat. I just want to keep this part of my life private for now. I reserve the right to change my mind, but, for now, I'm not ready. Give YH a little time and space. Most of us come around when we realize how important something is to the person we love. Big hugs to you. This is a hard journey.

ky29 · May 2014

My husband is the same way, I'm sure he'd be against that walk too. There's only one person he has really talked to about his MFI. He's told other friends we are going through treatment, but no details. He knows I've told people, but he doesn't want me being public about it (like coming out about IF on Facebook). I've come to accept it. I'm hoping that one day we can share our story more publicly.

rella22 · May 2014

My DH is the same way! Although, I've only shared with my closest friends...I don't think he's shared with anyone! Sometimes it's easier not to share because then you don't have the outsiders feeling "bad" for you or any other kind of emotion. As much as it sucks that no one understands what we're going through...that reason right there makes it easier not to tell anyone! That's why I'm lucky to have you ladies!

Pintobean39 · May 2014

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Honestly I would probably be the same way as your husband. I'm not ready for the world to know and being a part of a walk would be hard for me to do right now. I understand this whole process is difficult for both of you. Just be patient with him and realize it may just take him longer to be open about everything. (((Hugs)))

KT416 · May 2014

I think my DH would be against the walk too... He doesn't want anyone to know about IF, which I'm fine with too since we are both pretty personal anyway. But he mentioned if I did need to share our IF struggles not to mention the specifics (aka MFI). He may come around in the future, but at the moment I'm just giving him space.

erollis · May 2014

I'm sorry your DH feels this way about IF. It makes me a little sad to read that DH's are hush hush about IF (or certain aspects).

MH doesn't tell people (so only one of his coworkers know and turns out he struggled with IF) but MH has let me take the lead on talking about IF. Before I told our close friends and family I asked H how he felt. He was ok with it. He lets me (as in he doesn't care/ is ok with) talk as openly as I want about it with whoever (our hairdresser knows). He's been there for many a convo with others about IF and our testing.

His mother has even called him up and they had a really good talk (DH was happy after). Turns out his dad got tested and had issues with his count. One of the reasons why he is an only child. We've been extremely lucky with how supportive and sensitive everyone has been. Even our hairdresser. The only negative experience has been with my mom.

I know this isn't the norm for most people. Just as some of you are private people I'm a very open person. I do hope if any of you want to be open to even one person that your SO/H are/become supportive.

Also, I'm not a walk/run for anything person. I'll donate money but I wont actually do the walk/run.

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