STM question about husbands and housework

Amandanmoen · May 2014

My husband is a pretty big slob and just doesn't seem to value the house being neat or clean. I've accepted that and we make things work for just the two of us (he's really good about doing laundry when I ask for example) but he would NEVER do any housework on his own initiative. I always have to ask!

I know that once baby comes I will be 1) very overwhelmed and 2) even more particular about things being picked up and CLEAN!

From your experience, did your SOs change much after your first baby was born? If not, how can I insist that he help out more without acting like his mother? I'm going to need to do something different because I don't like to ask him to do chores unless I really need something (he gets grumpy and it's usually not worth the tension) but sometimes I get fuming angry when I'm doing chores and he's watching tv and it's like he doesn't even notice that I'm not sitting down and relaxing with him. I need a new way of getting the point across that is appropriate for a grown up, not a kid!

Sorry, that turned out really long and I guess it was two questions in the end.

caballablanca · May 2014

Make a list of who is in charge or what. Chore. Or you could suggest hiring someone to help out as well. We went with the latter and it is wonderful. She does the stuff like vacuum and dust.

Also I would give some slack on dishes etc those first couple weeks. I know it sounds hard, but you'll be so tired you won't care.

abnelsen22 · May 2014

Definitely have some conversations. I've been having small conversations with my husband all along, prepping him for the help I will need and how things will change . My husband does really well with lists though, and doesn't get resentful.

Raclla · May 2014

I think explaining WHY things need to be cleaner helps. Especially when they hit crawling age having cleaner floors is going to be a priority. Dishes not so much.

Valancyy · May 2014

My husband and I are both pretty neat. I'm so thankful I have a husband who isn't a slob!

That said, ever since we've gotten married we've had chores that I do, and chores that he does. He pretty much does all the outside work, while I do the inside work. Before when we both worked we'd take turns preparing meals, and he would do an occasional load of laundry to help out. Since I've become a SAHM I do all the cooking and all the laundry. I feel this is fair, since I'm the one home all day. He'll help out by watching and playing with the boys while I cook and clean up after dinner.

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about what is expected of each of you. I know that for myself, after the baby comes I give myself 2 weeks where I don't do any "chores" such as bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, dusting. I make sure everything is caught up in the weeks leading up to labor, then I get 2 weeks off. All I do are necessities, like laundry and dishes.

We keep our house picked up and clean. It's the same now as it was before kids. I don't think having kids means you can't have a neat and clean house. But, everyone has different expectations on how organized and clean they want their house to be, you have to make sure you are on the same page as your husband and that he is willing to do his part.

(I guess I need a little disclaimer that I'm a bit of a neat freak and always have been...so my response may be a little more "extreme" than others!)

shevaCC · May 2014

We hired a cleaning lady to come once every two weeks shortly after DD started crawling. We still struggle with dividing the rest of the chores, though we each have a few set ones we do regularly.

missmiss307 · May 2014

Explain your struggle to him and ask if you could sit down and tackle the problem together. If you present him with a list of mandates, in my experience, it doesn't usually go over well. But if you can show him that you really need his help, he will likely want to help you. My husband is very similar to yours (even after three years with a child), and it is hard to balance getting the help I need with housework and not constantly nagging him over things. But open communication really helps a lot.

However, as previous posters have stated, be prepared that your house will not be as clean after you have a kid. You have less time, and you have one tiny little person who makes twice the mess you and your husband do (unless you end up with a really neat kid, which happens rarely, IMO). When this happens, remember: IT'S OK. It takes time to adjust, and you will find a routine that works, but it helps if you and your DH are working on it together, which is something you can start now.

BeachM · May 2014

Pick the things that you know will drive you crazy if they aren't clean and neat. For me, this is the kitchen. I need dishes done after meals, put away right away after being washed in the dishwasher, and counters and table cleaned. I cannot deal with walking into the kitchen to a giant mess. That was my one thing I needed done when DS was little and we had to have some conversations about how DH needed to start cleaning up the kitchen without being asked because it was making me insane. Everything else just sort of goes to hell for awhile. I mean, our house wasn't disgusting but you just have to let go for the first couple weeks/months.

For me, I'd rather have DH on kid duty while I clean. Even better if he gets them out of the house so I can clean in peace!

dogperson11 · May 2014

My husband sounds similar to yours in that he just doesn't notice when things need to be done. If I ask him to do something he will, but he just doesn't have an eye for noticing on his own. This is something that drove me crazy early in our marriage, but once I realized he truly wasn't trying to be lazy and he genuinely doesn't notice it was easier for me. Now I just ask him to do whatever it is I'd like him to do and he does it no problem. I don't worry about feeling like a nag because that's just how he's wired - he needs some direction in cleaning.

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