Need Advice - How to Deal with Pushy Grandparents-To-Be...

haboobjob · May 2014

Hi ladies!! This is my first time posting. I was a little nervous at first since I had never been part of a community like this before but after observing for about a month, I think I'm ready to reach out. I'm super excited to start branching out and learning about the other expecting mommies!!

Sorry in advance if this post is a little long and kind of rambly.

We are so excited to be expecting our first child this October. We're both super excited. As the oldest child in each of our families, we feel an immense amount of pressure to be please our parents and set a good example for our younger siblings. My mom is my best friend. Sometime the line between friend and mom make things a little difficult. I've always kind of agreed with her in an effort to keep the peace. I was talking to her last week (she lives in California and I'm in Arizona) and I began discussing what she was planning to do for vacation. She said she planned to leave a day or so before I gave birth (you know.. because you can easily plan that... lol) so she could be here for the birth. I really want our birth to be about me and my husband so I don't want anyone else in the room. I told her that I understood that she wanted to come out but she wouldn't be allowed in the room during delivery as I had a specific vision for how it would go. She was extremely offended that I didn't want her to be in the room and that she shouldn't be kept out of seeing the birth of her grandchild. She also said she would be staying for the first week. I changed the conversation as I didn't want to fight about it and hoped it would go away.

I spoke with my husband and he was kind of upset she wanted to stay the week after our child was born as that's the time he has off from work and he wanted to really spend that time bonding with me and the baby. He asked if it was possible for my mom to come the following week as I would need additional support and it would offer her more time to bond with the baby. So when I talked to her a couple of days ago, I asked again about vacation time and asked if it was possible for her to come the next week so my husband could really enjoy his first week as a father. Knowing my mom (and I say this in the kindest way possible), she will be smothering the baby all week and it's going to be difficult to pry him/her from her arms. Again, she was completely offended. She said there was no way she would be missing the baby's first week of life. When I mentioned that we wanted time to bond as a family, she said "that's my grandchild" and that she deserved to be here to bond during that week. I'm the only girl in my family so this is a huge deal for my mom. She wasn't able to be there for the birth of my brother's son so I feel like she may be overcompensating during this pregnancy. Ultimately, it's feeling like it's more about her than us.

Honestly, I'm kind of stuck. I agree with my husband on this point. I want it to be the three of us but I hate to disappoint her or hurt her feelings. I've tried to phrase it several ways and even ended the call asking her to think about it and we could discuss it at a later date. She just said there was no way she would change her mind and she will do what she wants.

How do I nicely explain to her that I would like to spend the time with her the following week when we have time to bond as mother - daughter - grandchild?

THANKS!

BBBrady · May 2014

Welcome! I just wanted to say that my hubs and I felt very strongly about having the first week alone, and I'm so glad we did. I blamed it on my husband, that he didn't want anyone criticizing him (it's the truth) while he figures it all put. I would either say you really will need her help week 2, that you need a week to figure things out on your own, or, find nearby hotels she can stay at until your hubby goes back to work. Seriously. She needs to respect your privacy and your opinion. Hopefully she'll figure that out before October. Sorry you're in a pickle

family can make things so difficult.

heatherjeanp · May 2014

I agree that she needs to respect your decisions. I know you hate to disappoint her, but she's your mom and she will get over it. You live with your husband - you need to back each other. If the tables were turned and it was his family trying to impose, you'd want him to stand up and firmly support your point of view , and I'm sure he wants you to firmly support it to your side of the family. It's a tough situation, but I think it's important for you, husband and baby to have that first week - maybe have her visit for a few hours on a day or two, then come in during the second week for full-time grandmom support. Be strong!

pinkshades05 · May 2014

I'm sorry you are dealing with that and your mother is acting a but selfish (in my opinion). That first week, the only people who are allowed to cuddle that LO to death is you and your DH. You'll have carried this baby for MONTHS! Why does being the "grandparent" trump your feelings and give her the right to "bonding time" to a child that she had no part in creating? So my advice is don't back down. It's not, "please think about it"; it really should be "this is what DH and I want and and this is what is going to happen. I hope you understand."

And it's not like I'm against having grandparents there the first week. I found my parents to be really helpful. But it's your baby, your pregnancy, and you will never get this time back. In this situation, do what you have to make sure you are happy first!

archi35 · May 2014

justaudrey said:

I've always kind of agreed with her in an effort to keep the peace.

First off welcome!

Second of all I think your sentence above really sums up the problem you're having. This baby is you and your husband's addition to your little family. IMO this new three person family is the primary focus and what comes first from here on out. Its where it all starts and stops. If she doesn't support she can find the door. Now of course I'm sure you won't be the direct and blunt - haha - but the sentiment remains nonetheless. You should not be compromising anything about you and your husband's decisions for your mom. She is not part of your nucleus and your husband and baby come first - again, IMO. Its probably going to be very hard, but now is the perfect time to start reinforcing your standpoint on your family.

archi35 · May 2014

^^ Computer still being a bitch today - can't edit. Must type slower - Argh.

Edit: words, grammar, spelling, etc.

megaroo64 · May 2014

Welcome!

And it sucks sometimes to deal with parents- I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm not sure I have a "nice" way to explain to your mom, but you can pretty much just tell her the first week won't work for you and if she really does want to be helpful the second week is when would be the most helpful. Also, I'm sure you appreciate that it is her grandchild, but she needs to appreciate that this is your first child. You and your husband are now the key players/decision makers here- she needs to understand that her role is secondary now.

Laying down the law sucks, but establishing these boundaries now, nice and early, will make your life so much easier in the long run.

MrsMac613 · May 2014

First welcome! I think you fled finitely need to be more firm with your mom. She can't do whatever she wants here. Your baby, your house, your rules. She needs to respect that. That's something you need to establish now so you won't have problems in other areas of the baby's life or your family life. You have to do fears best for your family, not your mom. Good luck!

IrishHoney123 · May 2014

Welcome! I think DH is right, that first week will fly by, and then he will return to work and your mom's help will be needed. It's so nice that she wants to come and help, but she should respect your wishes. IMO the best option is to be firm and honest from the start with her about your plan. Good luck!

JessAnnJ · May 2014

I agree that you need to just tell her that you understand that she wants to be there but you and your husband have decided that you would like it to be just the two of you. I would phrase it more as you want the time to figure things out together as new parents vs saying it's about bonding. Nobody else said this so maybe it's just me, but the first week isn't some sort of magical bonding time where you all start to click together as a family. It's a OMG what have we gotten ourselves into I have no clue what I'm doing and I'm
so tired and frustrated time. For me it was an I am in extreme pain from my delivery I can barely move, breast feeding isn't working as planned I want to cry time. I chose not to have any guests before delivery because I didn't want anyone hovering around watching everything we are doing, but some people have found grandparents very helpful. Either way it's your baby and your choice so you just have to tell her no.

angeltennis3 · May 2014

I understand where you are coming from. My mom has been acting similarly, to the point she calls the baby "her baby". That was crossing the line so I had to push her back a little bit.

We had the same argument. She wanted to be at the hospital for the delivery. I said that was fine but my husband was turning off his phone and we weren't allowing anyone in until we were ready to share the baby with our family. She pouted but once she realized I was sticking to my guns, she backed off and accepted it.

Same with the time after birth. She wanted to come over every day. However my husband is going to be home for two weeks, so I told her we are happy to have her visit once a week, but we again want to bond with the baby and figure things out on our own. As we need help or advice we will ask for it.

It sounds like your mom is out of town, which I understand makes it all more difficult. DHs parents are out of town, too, and we haven't approached that topic yet. I want them to get to meet their grandchild as soon as possible, but I don't want them staying with us for very long. As a FTM I will be learning to breast feed for the first time and it is such a challenge I really want privacy while I figure that out. Plus I will be sore and not want to have a bunch of people around while I recover. I hope they at least give us a week to figure things out before they come visit and that their stay is short. We will see them again for Thanksgiving and be visiting them for Christmas.

End of story, you need to be firm in what you want and make it known your mom does not have a choice. This is the first of many ways she is going to be involved in your child's life, start it off right! Good luck!

turtlewifey · May 2014

I agree that you need to set (and stick to) some boundaries. Don't budge, or she will just constantly push to get her way. My parents came to visit that first week after DD was born, but they were a huge help - doing all the dishes, laundry, cooking, changing diapers, etc. If she will actually be helpful, that is something to consider.

If she is going to come and just hold the baby for a week, that could kill your breastfeeding relationship (if you plan to nurse). You are going to be exhausted, in pain, emotional, and crabby. If you want to establish breastfeeding, that baby needs to be on the boob a dozen times a day and that can be hard with an overbearing houseguest.

My MIL came to visit when DD was 2 weeks old, and would sit there for 30-60 minutes with her trying to calm her down. It was clear she needed to eat, but for some reason MIL thought she could just rock her or walk with ehr and she would be fine. I finally had to start taking the baby out of her arms, which was kind of awkward. Overall, I love my MIL, but I remember being very upset and frustrated by that early on.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Welcome!

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I've been dealing with similar emotions and I've learned that everyone has an opinion when you are having a baby. I don't have too much advice, but totally sympathize with you. I think it's great you and your DH are on the same page. I think you have to explain to her exactly what you want and tell her you love her, but this is your family and you will make your decisions based on what's best for the three of you.. You, DH, and your LO. Good luck and I hope the right words come to you and your mother is understanding.

AmandaJean12 · May 2014

Out of town is so hard, we are in the same boat. I was firm on no one in the delivery room, but I know my parents/sister will want to come right away and that's not going to make trying to get a breastfeeding rhythm down easy. Especially because both my mom and my sister think it's not worth the hassle.

I think you have to be strong. You can't get that time back so you have to make the best decision for you and your LO.

bumpuser10309732 · May 2014

First welcome and congratulations!

Second I think that your mom is just being your mom. She's probably just worried about you/baby. I feel like if you put your foot down, her feelings are going to be hurt at first because parents want to feel needed sometimes. But ultimately she's going to respect the decision that you've made. I'm also the only girl with four brothers. I know how you feel and I know how that can make DH feel. My family constantly thinks that they need to take care of me and protect me. That's just how it is and I've learned to deal with that dynamic. You are not going to disappoint her. She just loves you, that's all.

fireflyrebirth · May 2014

For me, while I understand our families--all of whom will all be a plane flight or two away in our case--will want to come meet the baby ASAP, I am not sure how we will handle it. My husband will hopefully have 2-3 weeks off and even though I'm sure we'll be stressed up the wazoo, I am unsure about having even the most helpful and considerate family stay with us at the start.

I want that time with the three of us, for my husband and I to figure out how to care for the baby ourselves and make our lives work. I also plan to breastfeed and I want privacy and space to learn how to do it. I don't know how my recovery will be either.

OP, you need to figure out what you and your husband want for your first week/s with your baby. Be kind but firm with anyone who pushes past your comfort zone. I know what it's like to want to please everyone, I drive myself crazy in this regard when it comes to my own family sometimes. The thing that's brought me peace is realizing I can't do it and it's no good killing myself trying!

You need to take care of yourself so you can be the best mom you can to your new addition. Your mom (and others) can develop a great bond with the baby and be a huge help to you and your husband in many, many ways. But it's your baby and your wishes need to be respected.

Oh, and welcome by the way! Stick around and post some more!

ADH0906 · May 2014

I understand your frustrations...my mom is the same way, and both sets of grandparents are out of state. I actually just had this conversation with my parents last night, and though my mom was a little offended (she assumed she'd be in the delivery room and is one of those weirdos that says "no, this is MY baby!" Every time we disagree on something) they took it surprisingly well.

We ended up compromising. I had originally wanted them to come up the second week, but they wouldn't hear of it. They want to be down the hall when he's born, so they're heading up as soon as I call. They can stay at the house while I'm in the hospital, but we've asked them to get hotels for the first several days that I'm home. If mom wants to stay and help the week after, that's fine. For me, I was most stressed about being in pain/uncomfortable and feeling uncertain about a new baby while
dealing with 4 house guests, so I think it'll work for us. But you have to decide what you're comfortable with. If that turns out to be that you want her there the week after, then you have to lay down the rules and stick to them.

Staciefacie · May 2014

My mom wanted to give me advice an to do things her way. I felt very annoyed with her because it started as soon as she found out I was pregnant.

My advice would be that you just need to tell that you're not trying to be mean or hurtful but you need to learn things on your own and that when you needed advice that you will ask her. As for her vacation time, is she staying in your home or at a hotel? If she is going to stay at your home set some ground rules. Because I believe in binding and it should be with the parents first but along with that I wouldn't push away any help that comes your way.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2014

justaudrey said:

She was extremely offended that I didn't want her to be in the room and that she shouldn't be kept out of seeing the birth of her grandchild. My response to this would be really snarky (if you weren't there for conception you aren't going to be there for birth) but really you can just tell her you have instructed the hospital staff to not let anyone in but DH. She can't do anything about that. She also said she would be staying for the first week. Tell her to find a hotel because she won't be staying with you. You can't stop her from coming but you can put your foot down on where she stays.

She said there was no way she would be missing the baby's first week of life. When I mentioned that we wanted time to bond as a family, she said "that's my grandchild" and that she deserved to be here to bond during that week. No, just no. Every time she says "that's my grandchild" remind her that it is YOUR CHILD. And your first one. She doesn't deserve anything more than you are willing to give her. Bonding with you and DH is so far ahead of bonding with grandma that it isn't even on the same scale.

She just said there was no way she would change her mind and she will do what she wants. Lock your doors, don't answer your phone, give her a list of hotels. I'm being a bitch but if she is clearly not getting your point (by choice) then you may actually have to treat her like a child on this.

How do I nicely explain to her that I would like to spend the time with her the following week when we have time to bond as mother - daughter - grandchild? You don't. You tried nice, it didn't work. The good news is that you have 5 months left to drive your point home. Don't sugar coat it or leave any room for negotiation. Tell her, flat out, that she is NOT invited to the delivery but is more than welcome to come visit after DH goes back to work. Tell her SOON so she has time to get over being mad.

THANKS!

I clipped out some things that I thought were important here. I agree with all of the PP's that you need to stick to your guns. My answers are pretty bitchy but I'm confident that I would do the same if I were in your position. Also, you mentioned that she wasn't there for the birth of your brothers' kids...and I say so what? Grandparents don't have a "right" to be there for delivery/birth. I hate when they act entitled to anything just because they are grandparents. I love my parents to death but they know their boundaries and are good at keeping them, but i was pretty explicit in my requests and they happily complied. Do not give her any negotiation room, or even the hint of wavering. Keep saying that you and DH decided together, don't blame him or it may cause resentment later. You two are a team and need to present yourselves as such.

Good luck, don't delay this conversation though!

MissMandyD · May 2014

Don't leave room for debate. You have tried the nice route and it isn't getting through. Just say that you understand where she is coming from but she needs to respect your wishes and your husband's wishes.

hippohat · May 2014

You need to set your boundaries now, but try to keep an open mind about how that first week may go. I wanted the same thing with my first child - time alone that first week with DH to bond, adjust, etc. Reality - we were a hot freaking mess, and we needed help desperately. My parents came and rescued us, although they both know how to be supportive, not smothering, and I sobbed like my newborn when they left.

Maybe ask for the first few days alone to see how things go, then maybe she could come help out while DH transitions back into work?

As for the birth - she has no 'right' to be there. This is YOUR and dh's child, no hers.

Hugs, and good luck!

roundabout2 · May 2014

Hi and welcome! I think you're just going to have to continue to tell your mom that you love her, you are happy she wants to come see her new grandbaby and stay for a while, but that she will have to wait until the 2nd week after baby is born. Don't back down. This is your time to bond as a family and your vision is what matters now, not hers. She had her time as a new mother, it's your turn now.

Good luck!

Edited: words

haboobjob · May 2014

Thank you all so much for all the great advice!

@BBBrady‌ - @heatherjeanp‌ - @archi35 - @mrsmac613 - @IrishHoney123‌ - Thank you all for making me feel like I'm not totally out of line for asking her to respect our wishes.

@pinkshades05‌ - I know!! I know that as soon as that LO comes out, I'm going to want him/her in my arms to love and hold! I don't want to hold a grudge later of that she took "my time".

@JessAnnJ‌ - Totally! I want the time to figure this would without the constant "when you were a baby" talk... It's been almost 30 years! At some point, I need to learn on my own.

@FamousEa‌ - it's tough because my mom can only come for a week. I wish she could stay longer and then I wouldn't feel like she's trying to cram 6 months worth of love into a week of time.

@angeltennis3‌ - your mom sounds like mine! She's already talking about how the baby needs to call her Nana. I feel like sometimes she thinks she's having a baby and I'm just carrying it.

@Kgrosskopf27‌ - I live like 5 min from my MIL so I think my mom thinks they will be able to see the baby more/first and it's not fair.

@mrscjmb9410‌ - I made the mistake of trying to make a joke in the middle of the tiff saying I'll let her know I'm going into labor when the baby is a week old (clearly in a soft, less mean manner than that) and she was furious. She just said there is no at you are keeping me from spending time with that baby.

@turtlewifey‌ - I was laughing so hard reading about your MIL - sounds exactly like my mom. I know she's be all "Nana" knows best and not allow me to step in as the mom.

@apk4‌ - best of luck to you and your family! It's so tough dealing with family drama when all you want to do is focus on being healthy and happy for the sake of your growing baby!!

haboobjob · May 2014

Hi ladies!! Thanks again for all the amazing advice. I'm just assuming but I believe she plans on staying in the house with us. I may see if she can stay with my in laws as they have extra room and I'm sure they would be happy to have her there. It was also keep things fair since my mom would be seeing the baby as much as my MIL.

I wish I could be as bold as you @MrMrsandBaby ! I agree with you though.. the conversation needs to happen earlier rather than later.

@MrsBabe614 - Your post was so sweet. I know she's trying to be helpful (and obviously she's excited for us). That's why I was trying to be nice about the situation. She's mentioned before that she didn't think I "need her anymore" in the past so maybe she's just trying to show that she can help me adjust to life as a new mom. Since this is all so new and my DH will be working week 2, I thought it would give us the best chance to really maximize her visit and spend quality time not just with the baby but me because I will always want our special time together.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2014

@justaudrey - You say bold, I say bitchy...you are too nice! Really though, you just need to tell her what you told us and stick to it. It sucks telling your parents no but if you keep saying it she will eventually get it.

Also, what is her plan? To come out on your due date? That would really suck for her if you went a week late! Talk to her rationally. Let her know that you will tell her when the baby is born so she has a week to make her travel plans and you will be happy to have her after DH goes back to work.

You can do this!

duckr · May 2014

I feel like you've already done "nice". I've read on this subject as my mom can be controlling at times. The transition from mother and daughter to grandmother and mother is tricky. You have to put your foot down now or it will be much more difficult in the future.

atraveller · May 2014

Hello and welcome. Late to this party but wanted to say that I agree you need to stick to your guns and do what is best for you, your DH and your LO. And I can relate almost completely to what you're dealing with. My folks are out of town but my DH's are here and my mom is constantly jealous - feeling like she is not getting the time with me that my MIL gets. She didn't insist on being in the delivery room (thankfully) but originally wanted to rent corporate housing for a month or longer to be around when the baby was born. My folks drive my DH relatively nuts and he would be out of his mind if they were here that long - as I think would I, so I politely put an end to that - as of now she wants to come out for two weeks and I have to figure out how to try to reduce that as my DH is not so thrilled about it - plus he is wondering if he'll even take the full week off t hat first week figuring being around my parents all week will drive him nuts

.

My friends have said having parents around can be a god send as it is not all loving and bonding but craziness and figuring it out - but I have told my mom that she needs to give us space, even if she's here as we need to have just time the three of us and she's decided to stay in a hotel the 2 weeks she's here and promised not to come over all day every day. We'll see if she sticks to it.

Point is I think I hurt her feelings some and she definitely thinks that my MIL is going to be here all the time but my MIL is the polar opposite of my mom and not pushy at all and I know she'll give space, but can't convince my mom of it. So I really know how you feel - but I'd say even if she is a little hurt she is your mom and she loves you and she will ultimately respect you for being strong on this and trying to take charge as a new mom - it may just take her a bit to realize it.

I wish you luck and let us know how it all goes when you talk to her.

BreandMikewedding · May 2014

Welcome! I'm sorry you are dealing with this! Stand your ground! It sounds like you are going to have to have some serious and point blank conversations with your mom going forward. If she won't listen to you on this she isn't going to respect your rules with your child as they get older. I highly recommend having that first week just the three of you! My dh's whole family came to visit when ds was 3 weeks old and it was a pain. My ds woke them up in the middle of the night crying and they didn't understand why I needed to sleep during the day (since I had been up all night).

By the way, I'm in az too. I think there are a few of us on here.

MuffinMom14 · May 2014

She will do what she wants? No. No, she won't, because if you tell security she is not to be in the room, she will not be in the room. Does she have a key to your house? If so, then I guess she could barge in your house, but other than that I don't see how she will "do what she wants." Sorry, I have zero tolerance for this. My mom is pretty fucking pushy, but I told her what I wanted, and she is fine with that. It sounds like you need to stop being wishy-washy with her and tell her "no, this is how this is going to go." It doesn't have to be mean. But. If she doesn't listen, then she doesn't get to see the baby at all, so. It would benefit her to listen.

DaniW1984 · May 2014

This is a perfect time to create boundaries for your new family of 3 & all grandparents. Do this by setting tone of who us at birth.

I believe that doing anything out of guilt feeds resentment. Only invite her out of love.

Lastly, grandparents can be extremely helpful when you least expect it.. So perhaps she can come a couple of days into the first week to give you & DH a break? Or not. The point is your feelings might change in the 9th month or hours after baby is born, so be flexible.

haboobjob · May 2014

@MrMrsandBaby‌ - lol What's funny is that I'm always the bitchy one but when it comes to certain issues with my mom, I tend to walk on eggshells. Her mom passed away when she was very young so she didn't have a strong mother-daughter relationship like we have. I am always very confrontational during challenges so this situation is sort of weird for me to be in.

When I asked her about how she plans to be here for the delivery, she said she would either come out a day before (as it's soooo easy to plan for baby to come on a certain day) and stay for a week or she would fly out as soon as I called her to tell her I was going into labor. I told her that it will be expensive and is silly.

I plan to talk to her today. We revealed the sex of the baby to her yesterday (GIRL!!) so I didn't want to bring up something heavy during something joyous.

@atraveller I had a talk with my MIL yesterday regarding the situation (not going into everything) and she was totally fine with staying back for a little while we figure things out. I know my mom will ultimately accept it but I don't want her to feel like she's being pushed out at all.

@breandmikewedding Ooh, hope you're enjoying this semi-nice weather before we start hitting crazy 100+ degree days! This breeze has been the most amazing thing. It doesn't feel like Phoenix in May!

@DaniW1984 I know my baby is going to have the greatest grandparents in the world and I know they will shower her with lots and lots of love and be incredibly supportive to us. I'm definitely keeping an open mind to the entire situation and we will ultimately make the best decision, not only for me but my DH and my LO too.

haboobjob · May 2014

Just a quick update ladies... I spoke with my mom this past weekend and took an unusual approach. Normally I would be bold and a little cold but I decided to just "speak from the heart" and it worked! My mom completely understood and said she would, of course, respect my feelings and give us space while we try and figure things out the first week. She did mention she was a little jelly she wouldn't be able to see the baby the day its born but I promised we would FaceTime so she could have some grandbaby time after she's born. All about making it a win-win!

Wow... these pregnancy emotions are really helping out. Turning me into a softy and allowing me to get my point across without getting aggressive.

Thanks for all the amazing advice. So excited to share in this journey with all the fantastic ladies in this group!

MrsTinMKE · May 2014

I can sympathize. My mother and I are not what I would call close, and we have had a pretty rocky relationship. Despite all of that she thinks she will be in the delivery room when the baby comes. She has been in the room for several of my cousins etc. But I want the experience to my husband and I and that is all. She can see the baby after. It is going to hurtful no matter what, but the best thing you can do is explain what you want and why you want it that way. The extended stay - the same thing. Hope you work it out ok!

haboobjob · May 2014

@MrsTinMKE My mom and I have always been super close so I completely understand why she would think maybe I would want to share that with her but I'm also super private and not very comfortable with everyone seeing my parts during delivery/breastfeeding/everything. When we spoke, she completely understood. Honesty is always best and if that doesn't work... (like the other girls mentioned) there is always security. lol

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