NWMR: kids party WWYD

jf198400 · May 2014

DH has a group of close friends from college, that we generally see once a year (usually for a wedding). We were the only ones to have kids young. There's one other couple that had a baby last year. We have not seen them in like 2yrs. They are the only ones who live in the same state as us, but about an hour away. I was invited to her baby shower last year but didn't go. DH has spoken to her on the phone probably once in the past year, and now we just got an invite to their kids 1st bday party. I have zero desire to go to this party. I feel like we only got invited b/c we have kids to bring. They have made no effort to hang out or be friends with us in over a year. DH however of course wants to go, because it is his friend. I just really don't see the need to drive an hour each way for a bday party for a kid I've never even met.

Am I a total grump for wanting to tell DH to go by himself with the kids, while I stay home and have blissful mommy alone time? It's okay to say yes. I just need someone to tell me to suck it up (while also agreeing that it sounds like a complete waste of a Saturday).

Mustardseed2007 · May 2014

I think it's acceptable for you to stay home, but I hate long drives when there is nothing super great at the end. I think I have an allergy to them.

litzo27 · May 2014

You say they made no effort to hang out in over a year but they had their first kid a year ago. Maybe your adjustment to parenthood went smoothly but I sure remember mine being rough

first year is about survival more than social graces IMO. And I think it's nice that they invited you, they didn't have to but to me it means they want to share something special with you: their kid's 1st birthday. So I probably would go unless you dislike them for some reason.

groovygrl · May 2014

my thought was that they hoped to see you and this might be a good 'reason' to get together. I have found over time that even with really close friends, life gets in the way, kids get in the way, and there needs to be a planned date, event or reason for get togethers. So if you don't really like them or care to see them, send YH with or without the kids. Also it sounds like this is YH's friend from college and I don't know YH or what he is like in terms of keeping in touch w/ ppl but MH totally stinks at it and I wouldn't bat an eye at driving an hour to go see one of his college friends he hasn't seen in years. We have had friends of his from college stay with us en route to places and for both of us, those types of friends from h.s. or college are really good friends of ours and we naturally just fall right back into a comfort zone no matter how long it has been.

shannm · May 2014

If you have no interest in maintaining the friendship, then don't go.
But if the roles were reversed, would he go with you? I know my DH goes to things just because I want to.
And you mention how they haven't contacted you this past year much. Well, they did have a newborn.
Just seems like they want to catch up and are using the celebration as an excuse. Seems pretty normal to me.

Mustardseed2007 · May 2014

ok I didn't think much about my answer, but I do agree with other's explanations as to why they probably didn't reach out over the past year. Also, I actually think 1st birthdays are very special. My thought is that they may not know too many people with kids. Ergo, may not get invited to the 2nd birthday b/c it will be less of an event, but this is an excuse to see all their old friends who have children.

I stand by what I said earlier about hating long drives though.

VOR · May 2014

I do think a few good points were brought up. Life does get in the way, and what not.

But honestly, you haven't seen these people in TWO years and you only see them maybe once a year when you do see them? Yeah- it sounds like their lack of efforts at a friendship can't be explained away with "Oh- but they had a baby!". That doesn't explain all the time BEFORE the baby came!

Stay home. Enjoy the alone time. There is nothing wrong with this!

jf198400 · May 2014

I guess you ladies get it- these are not friends that I really care about maintaining a relationship with. I don't even feel like going is all that worthwhile, b/c they are hosting so it's not like they'll be able to socialize with us that much. I also don't think any of the other college friends will be there b/c they live far away and don't have kids. But I know DH still wants to be friends with them, so I'm trying to decide if I suck it up for him or gracefully bow out. I love the idea of "not feeling well" that day haha.

fitmom82 · May 2014

I'd go. I like social things though and I love doing things with my kids so I don't usually care what it is. I'd hate for them to be out doing fun things I'm not a part of. Your DH wants to go, it's his friend, so I'd just go. You say they don't make an effort, but they invited you to a shower you didn't attend and they had a baby, usually people try to make an effort to meet the new baby, not the other way around. Plus, to me an hour really isn't that far.

yeah. · May 2014

yup. You're being an asshole. DH wants to hang out with a friend and establish a relationship with the one friend/parent around. It's obnoxious to send him by himself.

emberlee3 · May 2014

MH is not great about keeping in touch with people, but I like to make an effort if he shows interest. And I genuinely like his friends, even though we rarely see them. I would probably go. But if you don't particularly like this friend, then send DH and the kids. I would not feign illness. Why lie? Just say you need some alone time.

bcnoelle · May 2014

I'd probably send DH on his own and have him make an excuse for me, give a nice gift with a sweet card...but then try to reach out to this couple again to possibly meet 1/2 way for an adult dinner restaurant night. That way you can actually get to know them and enjoy each other's company not in a bigger setting where they are hosting.

jasminelorraine20 · May 2014

I would send DH by himself. It is just a birthday party and I don't see the big deal in the kids going to a party with Dad. Enjoy a few hours of alone time. This happened with us last year and I bought the gift and card and SO took DS and they had a great time.

jf198400 · May 2014

ClaryPax said:
It sounds like you don't want to go so don't. I wonder though they invited you to 2 events and called once and you say they have made no effort. Have you guys made any effort either?

Actually it was DH that called her. And I don't really consider being invited to a baby shower to be "effort" towards a friendship. It's DHs friend, not mine, so it's kinda weird for me to go to a shower where I really don't know anyone. It's not like it was a coed shower. And personally I think being invited to a shower of someone you're not close to is a little gift grabby.

But anyways, I guess we should have made an effort to visit them and their new baby. I personally try not to bother people when they have a baby, b/c I remember what it was like to be a FTM and have tons of visitors. We've been trying to setup a group get together with all of DHs friends, and it just hasn't worked out. I admit we haven't tried to hang out with this particular couple. I personally don't care, which is why I don't want to go to this party.

I was thinking about it, and if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't expect her husband to come to our kids party. So I feel like it should be acceptable for me to skip it and just send DH and the kids.

SunAndRain · May 2014

A couple thoughts:

1) if DH wants to go then I would try to make it happen.

2) we often don't see our friends who live in town for a year (or longer) because we are all just so darn busy but that doesn't mean we still don't care for them and consider them friends. B-day parties are a great excuse to prioritize seeing them over other things going on that weekend. Even if we only get a short bit of their time, we are showing up for an occasion that is important to them and showing that we still consider them an important part of our lives even if we barely get to see them anymore.

My DH would prefer that we go as a family but if yours doesn't care AND if you don't care to maintain or build a relationship with this family then by all means don't attend. At the end of the day we can't be everywhere and do everything so we have to prioritize!

skibunny59 · May 2014

This is kind of silly. Honestly, it's super hard to keep in touch with friends once your married and have kids. I have a really good friend from college that also lives an hour away and we don't really see them that much. Sometimes they don't call but we also don't call them as much as we should. But when they invite us to a party you better believe we make an effort to go. Just like when we invite them they also make an effort to come to our parties.

I would just suck it up and go. I think you're being silly. We always go to events like this as a family. Doesn't matter if they're DH's friends or my friends. Also, an hour drive is not that long.

skibunny59 · May 2014

SunAndRain said:

A couple thoughts:
1) if DH wants to go then I would try to make it happen.
2) we often don't see our friends who live in town for a year (or longer) because we are all just so darn busy but that doesn't mean we still don't care for them and consider them friends. B-day parties are a great excuse to prioritize seeing them over other things going on that weekend. Even if we only get a short bit of their time, we are showing up for an occasion that is important to them and showing that we still consider them an important part of our lives even if we barely get to see them anymore.
My DH would prefer that we go as a family but if yours doesn't care AND if you don't care to maintain or build a relationship with this family then by all means don't attend. At the end of the day we can't be everywhere and do everything so we have to prioritize!

I also agree with the bolded.

ccam · May 2014

Now that all of our friends are married with kids, events like this are the only time we see college / out of state friends so I'd probably suck it up and go if DH really wanted to go. But it kind of sounds like you have no interest in a relationship so its kind of different. I don't see anything wrong with asking DH if he'd go by himself.

Want a personalized experience?

NWMR: kids party WWYD

Re: NWMR: kids party WWYD

Choose Another Board

Search Boards