Need to talk/advice from your experiences **LO mentioned (I think I'm supposed to say that)

Olismom · May 2014

I have so many thoughts right now I don't even know where to begin. But I figured it would help to get them out with people who have gone through this and maybe y'all can shed some light on things or give advice. First off I am sorry that you are here and have a story to share with me in the first place. Much love to all of you! Today is one week from when they told me Babi didn't have a heart beat. Tomorrow is one week since delivery. It has been a hard week to say the least. I had to take my son to the dr today for his check up. I thought I could do it but I cried all the way there and again in the office when the questionnaire asked if he had any brothers or sisters. I marked yes and hoped no one would ask questions and they didn't. Going in to public is extremely over whelming to me, seeing anyone especially people I know is also over whelming. I don't answer the phone text only. I have only seen my brother in law and his family since last week and as soon as I walked in the door I lost it. I'm assuming this gets easier but when? And I know it will probably take me seeing people and going places to make it easier but I don't want to!

I feel guilty doing anything. I feel guilty watching tv with my husband, playing with my son, we went for a bike ride last night and I felt so guilty afterwards. I don't know what to do.

This may be tmi so sorry but my husband was kissing me the other night, intimately kissing me for the first time since it happened and I started crying immediately. There were just a lot of emotions there and again I felt guilty. He said he wished we could have sex and I agreed I feel very close to him right now and would like to be close in that way as well. However I know I would probably cry the whole time and feel guilty. But since we were talking about it I said you know I would get pregnant if we did right now anyway and he got very quite I asked what he was thinking he said that you could get pregnant I said and? And he said that was as far as the thought went. Before then I had no desire to think about that! In fact I don't know how or what to think of that. I wanted more than one child I wanted two, and I know we have two now but one is an angel in heaven. But now I don't know how to go about deciding if we want more even talking to him about if we do or not. It seems wrong this early to even have the conversation. Honestly I'm just at a loss with the whole subject.

Last but not least leaving the house today as I said was difficult now we are home my son is napping and I think I will just lay here and cry. Or maybe nap. But I feel like I could cry the rest of the day.

Bgirma · May 2014

@Olismom- I am so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I'm almost five months out from losing my son at 39 weeks and I distinctly remember wondering and questioning if things would ever get easier or when I would start to feeling better. I experienced and felt so much of what you shared- including feeling overwhelmed with going into public and mixed feelings about intimacy and affection from my husband. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

A lot of ladies in this board told me that things don't necessiarly get BETTER but life gets easier to manage, less overwhelming, etc. Now that I'm 5 months out, I'll share that with you. I'm still sad about my son and even have moments of shock and disbelief that he isn't here but I'm able to function again. Around 1.5-2 months out, I was able to do a lot more. For me, once I figured out ways to "honor" him in my life, it helped me feel comfortable out in the world and connecting with friends again. I wear a necklace with his name and choose to talk about my pregnancy and experience with him quite a bit with my friends. My husband and I make a donation in his name every month. Remembering him helps me grieve and process and "move on" with him as part of my life.

I feel so much better now than I did at one week or one month out.. I'm still sad but I've gained a sense of peace that I didn't have in the early days.

My advice- spend all day crying if you need to. Try to spoil yourself. It's still so early and you're not only recovering from pregnancy and childbirth but dealing with one of the most difficult things a person can deal with. I was hard on myself for being so sad and so "useless." Looking back, I wasn't being very patient or kind to myself. Be kind to your self (hugs).

mingaling2 · May 2014

Bgirma said:

My advice- spend all day crying if you need to. Try to spoil yourself. It's still so early and you're not only recovering from pregnancy and childbirth but dealing with one of the most difficult things a person can deal with. I was hard on myself for being so sad and so "useless." Looking back, I wasn't being very patient or kind to myself. Be kind to your self (hugs).

I agree. @Olismom - everything you are experiencing is normal. You will need to give yourself time. Huge hugs

TeamWinForever · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time; this is still so fresh. I am now almost 2 months out and can finally say that I slowly feel the clouds lifting. In the beginning, as soon as dd was at daycare, I got back in bed and cried/screamed, etc. I also spent a lot of time just wallowing and watching tv. It does get better, but unfortunately the only thing that seems to help is time. You are for sure not alone in how you are feeling. I felt the same way, especially in regards to being intimate with my husband. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself. Things may never go back to "normal" but they will get more manageable and less overwhelming as time passes.

LyndseyTS · May 2014

I'm so sorry. This is one of the hardest things that anyone can experience, I think. I don't have a ton of advice from you, but as PP said, be kind to yourself. It does get easier (slowly) to deal with everyday life. You will find a new normal, they say. I'm on that journey, but can tell you that time does start to help. If you need to chat, this board is great for that. They have been a huge support to me and I'm sure that you will find support here as well. Let yourself feel what you you feel even if it seems strange.

Olismom · May 2014

Where did you get your necklace? I have a necklace with my sons name on it and I thought I would get one with hers or both of theirs on it. My husband wants to get me a band that matches my wedding band with their birth stones and dates on it. I think that will be nice. I would like to get to the point where you are to be able to talk about it more. Thank you for the advice

lrichmond86 · May 2014

I'm so sorry. Everything you're feeling is so normal for what we've all experienced. The sadness, The guilt, ask of it. For what it's worth, The first time dh and I had sex after our first loss I cried the whole time. He was very understanding about it. I think it was hard because on the one hand I wanted to feel that physical closeness with him, but on the other hand it felt intrusive... of a very personal space that I shared with my child. After that forest time it got better. You're still so close to your loss. You need time to grieve and shouldn't feel guilty taking it. Big hugs!

LyndseyTS · May 2014

@Olismom‌ I'm assuming that you mean my necklace (if not, disregard this post). I found it on Etsy. The specific shop is called My Love Charms (you can search for it). The ring sounds like a nice thing as well. Sending more hugs. ETA: Hugs are good.

Olismom · May 2014

Everyone keeps saying that you have to find a new normal and honestly that scares me so much!! I want my old life back! I want to have my baby girl back in my stomach and still be worried about NICU time....with my son we spent 2 and a half months in the NICU and I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever go through. With this pregnancy we worried so much about that I had preeclampsia the first time and my blood pressure was a problem from day 1 with this pregnancy so it was always on our minds. But now I can't help but think I would welcome the NICU! At least se would be here. I know in an incubator attached to a feeding tube breathing tube and tons of monitors is not ideal but she would be here!!! Ugh today sucks!!!!

Maybe Joleisa · May 2014

Everything you wrote is exactly how I felt: anxious to leave the house, didn't want to see or speak with friends, responded to texts/emails only, feeling guilty doing regular things, crying at the sight of family, thinking about getting pregnant again, etc... It will get easier to cope with these hurdles over time. Do what you can for now and leave the big decisions for down the road after more time has passed. ((Big hugs))

Olismom · May 2014

Thank you @Maybe Joleisa‌

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