MILs....Grrrrr

wifeofadam · May 2014

DS2 just told me he had a secret and MIL told him not to tell. I told him not to keep secrets from me, so he said that last night when MIL was over for dinner and I left the room, she ate all of his broccoli slaw. Grrrrrr.....

We were having a war of the wills with DS2 at dinner. He wanted dessert but we told him he had to eat his veggies first. Everyone else was done eating and in the other room, so MIL said she would sit with him while he finished. I honestly thought he had eaten it, so he got his dessert.

Now I'm mad. Not only does it undermine what DH and I had said, but it's also unhealthy. We wanted him eating those veggies. Also, the whole secret thing upsets me, too. That wasn't a secret she wanted my son to keep - it was a lie she wanted him to tell.

Am I overreacting?

brachysira · May 2014

Mmmm...slaw...well, clearly I am too pregnant to help you.

My MIL let's M act wild. Like, spend a whole meal putting her hands in MIL's glass and playing with the ice. I don't care. It's nice to have someone let you act badly once in a while. I would be mad if she actually undermined you--like said to DS--eating veggies doesn't matter, your mom is wrong. But if she just said, "let's be naughty and tell your mom you ate this," it is kind of uncool but I don't think it will ruin him.

wifeofadam · May 2014

brachysira said:

But if she just said, "let's be naughty and tell your mom you ate this," it is kind of uncool but I don't think it will ruin him.

I'm not worried about it ruining him. I just think it makes me question her judgment and makes me less likely to trust her with my children in the future. I'm not cool with telling my child to lie to me.

djm31012 · May 2014

luxannie said:

Are you overreacting? I want to say yes and no. No, because undermining is annoying and harmful. Yes, because no veggies isn't that big of a deal and because it wasn't gma trying to be malicious, just trying to make life a little sweeter for her grand babies.

this exactly. i would be more mad that she undermined you and less mad about the "secret" or the not eating of veggies. One day isnt going to hurt him. but she should have been supportive of your wishes and kept her mouth shut .

kelly321 · May 2014

That would really, really tick me off. Firstly because she totally went behind your back and undermined your parenting, and secondly because she told your son to lie to you. Not cool, Grandma. Not cool at all. I don't know what I would do about it, though. I would probably have DH tell her that he had found out and - regardless of the vegetable issue - does not want her to tell your children to lie to the two of you, as that is exactly what the "keeping a secret" was, modeling that it was ok to lie to you that he had eaten his vegetables so that he could get dessert.

DublinMama · May 2014

I would not be ok with any of it. If she outright knew he was expected to finish his vegetables, she shouldn't have been involved, and created a scheme to get him out of it. The fact that she then asked him to lie to his parents of all people is inappropriate on all levels to me.

It's one thing to go to Gramma's and get an extra cookie or two. It's another to have her acting as some kind of equal parenting partner.

At the very least, your son was big enough to be forthcoming to you about it.

wifeofadam · May 2014

DublinMama said:

At the very least, your son was big enough to be forthcoming to you about it.

This was the bright side of the whole situation. I feel proud that he knew it was wrong and told me. I only wish he would have told me last night while MIL was still here. Although maybe it's better that I have time to think about this before I react.

jesuisfatiguee · May 2014

Before reading everyone else's responses, your MIL crossed a line. She undermined your wishes and then used her authority as a grandparent to both lie to you and ask your DS to lie to you - while keeping it secret. That's pretty serious. Sure, on one hand it's just one serving of veggies he missed and just one dessert he got to eat without eating his veggies, but... the principle of it really, really bothers me.

marshmallows · May 2014

I think it's annoying and pretty stupid of her. Not the worst thing in the world but a dumb move. I would totally call her out on it... "DS told me your secret, ha.ha. Please don't do that again."

cinnasugar · May 2014

Yep - this would irk me. The whole fact that she was supposed to be sitting with him while he finished and then she suggested that he lie, that is no bueno. I would do what @marshmallows suggested and just say - hey, DS told me your 'secret'. Please don't do that again. That way it doesn't sound like a huge deal but you also aren't completely ignoring it either.

tamarar5 · May 2014

This is a chronic problem with my mom. Not the veggies thing (my kids love veggies and would rather eat veggies than fruit), but the undermining. Drives. Me. Bonkers. It's so bad that anytime we're around grandma, DD skips asking me anything and goes straight to grandma- even if she knows she shouldn't.

I've talked to me mom repeatedly about going against my rules/answers, but she just says it's her prerogative add grandma to spoil.

Gah.

I would tell your husband about the event, praising your son's eventual honesty, and ask him to speak with Mil about following YOUR house rules. Then I would probably talk to your son about honesty-which he obviously gets- but explain that even if we come clean eventually about a lie, we still told a lie. Etc.

wifeofadam · May 2014

Exaaaaaactly, DC. Grandma's house = grandma's rules (within reason, obviously). Mama's house = mama's rules = finish your veggies before you get your dessert and don't lie to me.

Drea926 · May 2014

I agree with PP. I would be especially upset about the "secret" part. It just makes me uneasy. I agree with the idea of grandparents spoiling the kids a bit, but they shouldn't try to undo your parenting.

BarefootContess · May 2014

je+suis=fatiguee said:

Before reading everyone else's responses, your MIL crossed a line. She undermined your wishes and then used her authority as a grandparent to both lie to you and ask your DS to lie to you - while keeping it secret. That's pretty serious. Sure, on one hand it's just one serving of veggies he missed and just one dessert he got to eat without eating his veggies, but... the principle of it really, really bothers me.

this is what I think and something my inlaws would do. the question is what to do about it? given the temperament of my ILs I would probably would not say anything because they would go off the rails. I would instruct my son to tell them that he is not suppose to keep secrets from his mother if they tried it again. I definitely limit the time my children are with my ILs unsupervised because of their behavior.

SummerLove21 · May 2014

I think I'd be more pissed off that she put my kid/her grandkid in an uncomfortable situation. So yeah, he got dessert, but clearly he felt uneasy/guilty about it.

It's not cool that she told him to lie to you, and it's not cool that she undermined you. If it were me, I would tell DH, then tell him his mother was not to be left alone with our kids until she was forthcoming and apologetic about it. He'd probably be slightly miffed but oh frickin' well.

But we'd never leave our kid alone with DH's mom anyway, not even for five seconds, because she is literally certifiably crazy.

ally2011 · May 2014

Let's cut to the chase - what was for dessert and can we have some?

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