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Stern grandparents

EricaCat1EricaCat1 member
in Blended Families
I'm only putting this discussion on the Blended Families board because there is no "Grandparents" board and I didn't know where else to put it.  What are your thoughts on stern grandparents?  I personally think it is great.  An example is my friend's stepfather.  He's a legacy airline captain and he is very dignified.  I remember last summer right after the 4th of July when his grandchildren were visiting from out of state and he was at a local car show with his grandson (the girls had gone with their mom to see a girly play.  Lol).  I was with him, his wife, his stepdaughter (my friend), and his 13-year-old grandson eating ice cream cake for his birthday at a table outside.  We were all talking and at one point his grandson was texting or playing a game or something on his smart phone and the grandfather said firmly, "JJ, put the phone away."  He put it away immediately without question.  Then we got up when we were done and JJ asked: "Grandpa, can we go around again and see the cars?"  And his grandpa said without hesitation, "No.  It's 9 p.m. and I want to get some sleep.  We are leaving the house at 6:00 tomorrow morning, and if you're not ready we'll leave without you."  JJ had a reluctant obedient look on his face and did not argue.  When I asked him if his grandfather has ever left without him before for an outing, he said yes and then proceeded to tell me that Grandpa always says 'The airplane doesn't wait for passengers.'  Lol.  But I saw my friend's stepdad being affectionate with him too when they were leaving and they smiled at each other and he tousled JJ's hair and said, "Come on."  JJ was extremely polite, well-spoken, and congenial towards me.  I'm personally a fan of the stern grandparenting because fine men and women aren't made overnight.  What are your thoughts??
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Re: Stern grandparents

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    ambrvanambrvan member
    I think there is a balance with any authority figure. Too much in either direction is never a good thing.

    I don't think that there is a rule that says grandparents should let them get away with murder, but I do think that many people, as they become grandparents, try to make up for the parts of parenting they think they may have messed up on (such as not being patient enough, saying no to one more bed time story, forcing them to eat their veggies when maybe they really just didn't like it, etc). That frustrates parents who are trying to make kids follow the rules only to be contradicted or challenged, and it is disastrous for the kids being raised by grandparents who are making for the fact that they feel sorry for their grandkids.

    I think balance is just as important in parenting as grandparenting.
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    EricaCat1EricaCat1 member
    ambrvan said:
    I think there is a balance with any authority figure. Too much in either direction is never a good thing. I don't think that there is a rule that says grandparents should let them get away with murder, but I do think that many people, as they become grandparents, try to make up for the parts of parenting they think they may have messed up on (such as not being patient enough, saying no to one more bed time story, forcing them to eat their veggies when maybe they really just didn't like it, etc). That frustrates parents who are trying to make kids follow the rules only to be contradicted or challenged, and it is disastrous for the kids being raised by grandparents who are making for the fact that they feel sorry for their grandkids. I think balance is just as important in parenting as grandparenting.
    Completely agreed.  My friend's stepfather is actually very close with JJ.  That's his only grandson and he's in high school now (freshman).  He has pretty much taken him on as almost more of a "second son" than a grandson.  He is strict with him and expects respect, but that grandson is his prized boy!!  Like I mentioned, this fellow is a pilot and JJ really wants to be one too (his own son never had any interest, much to his dismay).  JJ is being seriously trained (having been taking flight lessons since he was pretty much a toddler).   That young man is truly his grandfather's pride and joy. My friend's stepdad is practically the boy's "second father" even more than a grandfather.

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    WahooWahoo member
    I think it depends.  My rules are different from my parent's rules for a reason.  What you are talking about are normal kid-issues that many parents agree on (put the phone away, we're leaving on time).
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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    Marisa321Marisa321 member
    I'm sorry, but that grandfather sounds like a jerk!
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    EricaCat1EricaCat1 member
    edited May 2014
    Marisa321 said:
    I'm sorry, but that grandfather sounds like a jerk!
    : (
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    Marisa321Marisa321 member
    Well he does.  Sorry to be harsh but I'm just being honest.
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    ambrvanambrvan member
    Unless he is verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing the boy, I see nothing wrong with it. Every relationship has different dynamics. Not everyone has a rainbow and lollipop relationship with their grandparents. But does that mean they are missing out or the grandparents are jerks? I don't think so.
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    EricaCat1EricaCat1 member
    ambrvan said:
    Marisa321 said:
    I'm sorry, but that grandfather sounds like a jerk!
    PLEASE point out what is jerk like?

    Is it the fact that the child is not allowed to sit on his/her phone while eating?  GASP!  Or was it the fact that the ADULT who was asked a question by the child answered the child's  question with a NO?  And a NO that had an explanation vs a "Because I Said SO?"  Or was it the fact that the ADULT who is doing the driving/organizing/scheduling/logistics and PAYING THE BILLS, has expectations of when they are to leave and tries to teach the child what happens in the REAL world (if you do not make it to the bus on time because you dilly-daly, then you don't make it to work on time and then you get fired)  if they do not meet said REASONABLE expectations?  

    Or is it because it's the grandfather doing all of these things and not the mother?  

    Well, honestly if the mother is happy to let her child be rude (not paying attention at the table) stay up late on a night that they need to be somewhere in the morning or holding her up because said child thinks she/he is boss then that is her perogivitve. 

    HOWEVER, her crap parenting does not get to affect the other adults in the situation.  Her father has every right to say NO, I am not staying around to look at cars and since you came in my car you will leave in my car and make a decision as to what time he leaves in the morning in his car.  

    She is more than ok with staying at the car show and figuring out how to get home on her own and how to get wherever they were going the next morning on her own if she wanted to let her son dictate her life. 

    None of the StepDad/Grandfather's actions were even authoritarian or stern.  They were natural reactions of grown adults who don't let children run their lives.  
    Can I love this 1000 times?
    Ohh dear I love it too and I agree 100% but I just have to clarify something!  JJ's mother is an EXCELLENT mom!!  She wasn't at the car show that night; she was in the city with her husband and two daughters and they were seeing the play Cinderella, which JJ and his grandfather had no interest in seeing.  So, they (along with my friend [the grandfather's stepdaughter] and my friend's mom [the grandfather's wife]) stayed in town and saw the car show instead.  JJ's mother is one of the grandfather's two biological daughters, not his stepdaughter who was there that night.
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    IlumineIlumine member
    EricaCat1 said:
    ambrvan said:
    Marisa321 said:
    I'm sorry, but that grandfather sounds like a jerk!
    PLEASE point out what is jerk like?

    Is it the fact that the child is not allowed to sit on his/her phone while eating?  GASP!  Or was it the fact that the ADULT who was asked a question by the child answered the child's  question with a NO?  And a NO that had an explanation vs a "Because I Said SO?"  Or was it the fact that the ADULT who is doing the driving/organizing/scheduling/logistics and PAYING THE BILLS, has expectations of when they are to leave and tries to teach the child what happens in the REAL world (if you do not make it to the bus on time because you dilly-daly, then you don't make it to work on time and then you get fired)  if they do not meet said REASONABLE expectations?  

    Or is it because it's the grandfather doing all of these things and not the mother?  

    Well, honestly if the mother is happy to let her child be rude (not paying attention at the table) stay up late on a night that they need to be somewhere in the morning or holding her up because said child thinks she/he is boss then that is her perogivitve. 

    HOWEVER, her crap parenting does not get to affect the other adults in the situation.  Her father has every right to say NO, I am not staying around to look at cars and since you came in my car you will leave in my car and make a decision as to what time he leaves in the morning in his car.  

    She is more than ok with staying at the car show and figuring out how to get home on her own and how to get wherever they were going the next morning on her own if she wanted to let her son dictate her life. 

    None of the StepDad/Grandfather's actions were even authoritarian or stern.  They were natural reactions of grown adults who don't let children run their lives.  
    Can I love this 1000 times?
    Ohh dear I love it too and I agree 100% but I just have to clarify something!  JJ's mother is an EXCELLENT mom!!  She wasn't at the car show that night; she was in the city with her husband and two daughters and they were seeing the play Cinderella, which JJ and his grandfather had no interest in seeing.  So, they (along with my friend [the grandfather's stepdaughter] and my friend's mom [the grandfather's wife]) stayed in town and saw the car show instead.  JJ's mother is one of the grandfather's two biological daughters, not his stepdaughter who was there that night.
    I know that I threw some nasty assumptions out there about the parents, but I was trying to make a point that - in general - crappy parenting does not trump other people's lives.  

    And standing up for one's self does not mean that you are mean, rude or (in @Marisa321 case) a jerk.
    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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