STM, 2 under 3 - mixed feelings

jenb_99 · May 2014

I'm super excited to be having another baby next week, but at the same time I'm very sad about DS losing his only child and "baby" status. I'm also bummed that I only have one more week with just the two of us home together during the day, yet my decrepit pregnant body is making it physically impossible for me to do all the fun things he wants to do, and it's frustrating him. And then I go back to being super excited about meeting my daughter and seeing DS interact with her. Aaaaaaaaaaaccckk, it feels like I'm on a freaking merry-go-round!

I know all these feelings are normal and most of you have felt them before too, but can you tell me how you dealt with them? And how did you make that last bit of mommy-and-me time extra special even though you felt like a big exhausted, weepy mess?

One of my friends said something very helpful that's stuck with me: "He's too little to remember being an only child and he's too little to remember how much you suck right now." For those of you with 2 under 3, did you find or are you finding this to be true? Does the older child adapt fairly easily without too much trauma? I was four when my little brother was born and I certainly remember being an only child, but I don't remember being traumatized. So, rationally, I know it'll all work out, but...well, what woman is actually rational a week before having a baby?

Let's talk about this, ladies. Those of you who are still expecting your second (or more) child, tell me what you're feeling and how you're dealing. Veterans (and n00b STMs who are just now learning to make it work) give us some tips!

jjones59 · May 2014

I don't have any advice but I would have to agree. My daughter turns 3 on Sunday, and while I'm excited to have him because I'm miserable, I'm sad because I can't do much for her birthday (which everyone keeps joking would be his too), she's not gonna be the only one here anymore, and I don't know how to juggle it all.

Don't feel like your alone, I guess that we'll just have to deal and still spend time with our "bigger" babies and our "little" babies separately and together.

jenb_99 · May 2014

@jjones59 It's hard, isn't it? Obviously it does work out, because all my friends talk about their families being complete with 2 or more kids, and how the heart expands and makes more love even when you don't think it can, but it's hard to imagine it from this side. Especially when you're tired and you have a bored toddler demanding your attention.
:-S

MrsT2008 · May 2014

My DD is just about 2.5 and as I get closer to having this baby, I'm getting anxious about how she will handle it. But I remind myself that she is too young to remember being an only child and I hope she and her baby sister will be buddies. I try to focus on things I'm looking forward to with the two of them rather than my fears.

frasey · May 2014

Its hard and I already kinda 'miss' DD as I don't get to spend as much time w her. She suddenly seems older since DS was born last week. I don't know how that is, but its true! I just try to make the best of the time we spend together, and unfortunately it usually makes me cry, realizing how much I love her and just want to squeeze her all the time and not let her grow up!

Im sorry I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone

ns1 · May 2014

I've been feeling this way recently too! I cried to DH the other night about how DD hates me because I'm not fun anymore since I can't run around with her, swing her around, etc. Then I felt even worse thinking about how I'll be even less able to do fun things with her when the baby gets here. So, I'm not sure I'm really dealing with it well, but I'm definitely experiencing it! I'm trying to tell myself too that DD will be fine; she'll love her little brother; she'll never know the difference, etc. etc. Hopefully it will all fall into place!

MrsT2008 · May 2014

ns1 said:

I've been feeling this way recently too! I cried to DH the other night about how DD hates me because I'm not fun anymore since I can't run around with her, swing her around, etc. Then I felt even worse thinking about how I'll be even less able to do fun things with her when the baby gets here. So, I'm not sure I'm really dealing with it well, but I'm definitely experiencing it! I'm trying to tell myself too that DD will be fine; she'll love her little brother; she'll never know the difference, etc. etc. Hopefully it will all fall into place!

Yes!! I had a breakdown on Mother's Day because MH had a lot of work to do and I had been hoping he would be able to play with DD and I was overcome with guilt that I can't run around with her like I could before!

jenb_99 · May 2014

@MrsT2008 said:

@ns1 said:

I've been feeling this way recently too! I cried to DH the other night about how DD hates me because I'm not fun anymore since I can't run around with her, swing her around, etc. Then I felt even worse thinking about how I'll be even less able to do fun things with her when the baby gets here. So, I'm not sure I'm really dealing with it well, but I'm definitely experiencing it! I'm trying to tell myself too that DD will be fine; she'll love her little brother; she'll never know the difference, etc. etc. Hopefully it will all fall into place!

Yes!! I had a breakdown on Mother's Day because MH had a lot of work to do and I had been hoping he would be able to play with DD and I was overcome with guilt that I can't run around with her like I could before!

I broke down yesterday because DH was out of town and DS was crying for him and getting frustrated with me, but I was exhausted and hurting and swelling and basically couch bound for the day. I ended up asking my dad over to play with DS since I couldn't, and then DS went home with him and spent the rest of the day over there. I felt AWFUL about it. But I got some rest and DS had a great time playing with my parents, so I tried to focus on that. But every minute I let him spend with someone else right now just about kills me. I hate it.

Kris2011RN · May 2014

I've been feeling the same way. My mom is not helping at all. I feel bad because I know how much of my time will be spent with this LO since I will want to nurse her, how much time I won't get with DS. He is starting to be a daddy's boy again so I am hoping that will help with the transition. I will be having 2u2.

pistolpackinmomma · May 2014

2u2 here. DS is 16.5 months and #2 will be surgically extracted tomorrow morning. I will admit that part of our planning process was that we wanted him to be young enough that he wouldn't remember being an only. DH is home tonight so since last night was our last night of just the two of us I did something I've never done before. I rocked him to sleep. Then I snuggled him for another 20-30 minutes before putting him down. Then I bawled my eyes out as I realized how big he has gotten and how quickly he will continue to grow. I have so many mixed feelings of excitement and happiness and nervousness and guilt all at once. Obviously it's too late to back out now though.

Even if it's as simple as extra snuggles over the next week just try to do something special. And your friend is right, a year from now he won't remember a time that he wasn't a big brother. (((HUGS)))

chillypenguin · May 2014

I am only 3.5 weeks as a STM, but for me, the transition went WAY better than I expected. DD2 was born at 37w2d, so I didn't get to do our last date night and family trip to the zoo before the baby came, but it turns out to not be such a big deal. My daughter is a little younger (20 months) but has handled everything a million times better than I expected. I can't even describe how happy my heart feels to see her kiss her sister and demand to hold her, she just loves her so much already, it's truly an amazing feeling to see them together. So no real advice, but just encouragement that it all will really be ok!

jjones59 · May 2014

I really agree with the PP's I feel guilty because my MIL comes up once a week or so to play with DD because I just can't do it anymore then I feel bad because my MIL is here helping me with my family and my house because my big pregnant butt can't get off the couch to do so.....

jenb_99 · May 2014

@pistolpackinmomma Gaaahhh...your post made me ugly cry!!

( (I also LOL'd at "surgically extracted." That's my favorite term ever.) And good luck to you tomorrow. I hope your RCS experience is awesome!

Crazijewel · May 2014

You are not alone! I am going through all of the above! I have a 2 year old and it's killing me that he will not be my baby or an only child any more, but at the same time I am excited for him to have a brother. Such mixed emotions and how am I going to love another child the way I love him? Is there even room in my heart? Ugh, I knowing all works out but it's scary too.

haylo33 · May 2014

Heck I feel this way about my nephews!! I can't imagine how you feel. I'm extremely close with my nephews and I worry they will feel like I don't love them once I have my own baby. Their dad is in another state in the military and my husband is more of a father to them. I had a minor meltdown tonight in fear of all the changes. I'm sure it will work out. Having a baby changes a lot and it is very overwhelming but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Damnliz · May 2014

I'm lurking from June but I have an almost 4yr old DD and a 2 yr old DS. My DD doesn't remember a time when her little brother wasn't around - she was just about 20months when he arrived. Seeing the two of them play and take care of each other is sooo adorable. It's a little hard in the beginning managing everyone's needs and neglecting your own but it all works out. I remember thinking oh this is the last few days of just being a family of three and wondering how I could love another baby as much as my DD- but your are giving your child a precious gift- the gift of a sibling. Keep that in your thoughts!!

krissy3435 · May 2014

I had 2 under 2 when DS was born and I remember feeling very guilty the weekend before the repeat CS. I am starting to feel that way again. #3 is due on the 27th. It's probably a rather normal feeling. I have found that my friends who had #2 three years apart versus 2 years, the older one is very excited and seems to have an easier time adapting than if they were younger. They are very curious and concerned about their new sib. Your spouse/partner also plays a big role in making the adjustment easier on you and the older child. More involvement from them helps. There are tough times but you will go with the flow. You are a more relaxed parent with #2 also so you can attend to the older more than you may think. It will be great! GL!

jenb_99 · May 2014

@krissy3435 said:

<snip> You are a more relaxed parent with #2 also so you can attend to the older more than you may think. <snip>

I've heard this from friends. They said their guilt often ended up reversed because the older child demands so much attention that they feel they neglect the baby. I guess parents just can't win! lol

jenniferroshto · May 2014

My first two were 14 months apart. Transition was easy with that, as far as his reaction to there being another baby in the house. They are 7 & 8 now and have always been the best of friends and super close! This time around has gone better than expected too. They both love to help with her and hold her. I, however, have had a couple of breakdowns feeling like I'm neglecting them because I stay so busy with the baby. I just try to do something special with each of them while she sleeps and DH has been wonderful about taking over some of baby duty when he gets home so I can get some time in with the other kids as well.

pistolpackinmomma · May 2014

@jenb_99‌ sorry to make you ugly cry. That was all I could do the other night though was sit down and cry. By the end I didn't even know why I was crying which only made me cry more. Yay hormones!

bumpuser10194737 · May 2014

I totally felt that way before my second came along! He was 22 months when his brother was born. However, after, things were great. You will find out that it just works and they will become friends and enjoy playing together as they get older. I doubt DS1 remembers being an only child at all. Now with the third he LOVES being a big brother and was so excited for the new baby. He already told me this week that we need another one, and that this time he wants a girl baby. :-)

So excited for all of you to watch your kiddos interact and see how much your heart will grow!

MickeyM04 · May 2014

I struggled with this a lot before DD arrived. I was sad to think of DS not being my only baby anymore, and how much less time I would have to spend with him, but at the same time I would then feel excited to meet DD and guilty for feeling any type of sadness over her arrival (i.e. sadness about how DS's life would change and how our relationship would change). Totally normal I think.

Since DD has arrived, DS has been great. He loves "baby." He kisses her goodbye before daycare every morning even before he kisses me. He constantly brings her his blanket to keep her warm, etc. He definitely has a hard time waiting for me to help him with something if she's nursing but he seems more frustrated with me than with her. And I think it will get better over time. He just doesn't understand yet why he has to wait but I think he will get it eventually.

Something I wish someone had told me was this: I was really weepy after DD was born because I wanted to spend more time with DS and didn't feel a strong desire to be with DD. It's not like I didn't love them equally, but I just felt that I liked DS more. DD was just laying there crying and killing my nipples every hour and DS was being playful and funny and I was devastated that I was stuck on the couch nursing her 10 hours a day instead of playing with him. That ultimately changed, around the time we got our nursing groove on (and it didn't hurt and I could feed her with one arm and have a free hand for DS) but I do wish someone had warned me about that. I ended up feeling like the worst mom in the world bc I was constantly trying to pawn DD off on my mom, or DH or anyone else so I could have time with DS. So just be forewarned. I think it's partially due to PP hormones and partially due to how shitty breastfeeding can be initially but it does get better. GL to you.

Edited bc posted prematurely.

artroyer · May 2014

I totally feel like you. I'll be 2u2 and DD1 is only 15 months right now... if this baby waits another week and a half she'll be almost 16 months. I know she won't remember being an only child, but it still makes me sad. I am trying to focus on the fact that she will have someone to play with as this baby gets a bit older! I actually feel guilty picking her up from day care sometimes because she loves playing with all the other kids and there are no others here! Also, I'm not a fun play mate now with my aches and pains and exhaustion. Just trytolook towards the future... I'm also hoping desperately that the transition is easier than I'm thinking since so many people say it is :-)

pistolpackinmomma · May 2014

Ok so DS1 met #2. All he wanted to do was give him hugs. All of my previous fears and guilt about him becoming a big brother are gone. I'm still slightly freaking about the whole logistics of everything but we'll figure it out!

jenb_99 · May 2014

@pistolpackinmomma Aww, that's so sweet! You're making me feel so much better about this whole two-kid thing. Thanks for reassuring me. You've been awesome. I hope everything continues to go well for you! *hugs*

pistolpackinmomma · May 2014

jenb_99 said:
@pistolpackinmomma Aww, that's so sweet! You're making me feel so much better about this whole two-kid thing. Thanks for reassuring me. You've been awesome. I hope everything continues to go well for you! *hugs*

Hearing stories from other moms really helped me a lot when I was freaking out. What day is your RCS? My recovery this time seems to be going just as good if not better than last time so I'm hopeful that we can get the rest figured out soon enough. DS1 is still a little freaked by the whole BFing thing but I think he's afraid that DS2 is hurting me.

jenb_99 · May 2014

@pistolpackinmomma My RCS is scheduled for 12:30 Thursday. I'm having an ovary removed at the time too, but my doctor swears that won't affect my recovery. And I'm fortunate to have lots of friends and family members on call to help me out once we get home. FX that everything goes well for me and keeps improving for you!

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