How do you invest in your marriage?

bumpuser8448316 · May 2014

DH and his two best friends all got married the same year. We're the only one still married. I'm in a small moms group and out of 11 couples, only two of us are not on the rocks. After hearing about another good friends divorce today it got me thinking about what we do to invest in our marriage and stay strong as a couple. Of course there are a myriad of reasons wh a couple may have divorcd or be on the brink, but every once in awhile I like to take a look at our relationship and make sure we're good.

We do a weekly "status" on Friday nights after the kids go to bed. We open a bottle of wine and lay out anything that's bugging us or anything we end to get off or chest. It's taken us awhile to get to a point where we're just having a really good talk vs feeling defensive and argumentative.

What are ways you and DH connect?

vlagrl29 · May 2014

I really like that idea!

DH and I connect on date nights I guess. We have time without the kid to talk about things, personal and financial. I do feel like I'm always the person to let him know when I need to talk about something. I love to "double check" everything. I feel like every possible life changing event I need to re-hash to him.

We also try to get some alone time away from the kid even if it's just an overnight stay at a local bed and breakfast. It's just so nice to be able to focus just on us.

dizzycooks · May 2014

OMG what I would give for a weekend away right now. I was just looking at vacations for next spring and it will be sans-kiddos. My family is very anti-vacationing without kids, but dh and I have decided traveling is too much a part of our relationship to never have a kid-free vacation again. Right now I'm trying to figure out who would take our kids and collecting the balls I will need to deal with the commentary my family will give us.
Re your question, we talk, constantly. Really, multiple times a day over everything. We spend time together. Neither of us is so heavily invested in something outside the home that we don't each spend time here, together, with the kids or being a part of "life" if that we aren't aware of what the other is doing. We also read stuff together and enjoy the same tv shows so neither of us is hiding off doing their own thing while the other is alone.

lexusolsen · May 2014

I love that idea, @QueSyrah‌.

bumpuser8448316 · May 2014

Gastro said:

We chit chat during the day over email. We trust each other. It's fine if our free time isn't always spent with each other. We are both pretty easy going and at the same time blunt so nothing ever festers but nothing really gets our skin. We are a team and we went through a lot of stuff early in our marriage (moving to another country, multiple deaths in the family, job issues, had a baby abroad...) it was like us against the world for lack of a better metaphor. I had my heart broken to smithereens before I met DH and it's made me realize no matter what happens I will be fine with or without him...I think that makes me stronger and more giving in our relationship. There's no reason to hold back because life goes on and plan for the future but live in the moment. I make sure we always have wine and a bottle opener at home and when we travel.

Not spending our free time together is something we struggle with and need to work on. I'm getting better at not feeling guilty for telling DH that I need some time to myself but it's hard because he never wants to hang with friends and wants lots of family time on weekends

jensriot · May 2014

This is something we need to work on, pretty badly. I wouldn't say things are rocky, but we're definitely disconnected. I've felt a bit down about it lately. To help, we're committing to a date night every couple weeks. Getting out together makes such a big difference in my attitude toward DH and things in general.

bumpuser8448316 · May 2014

Leftie22 said:

This is a great question, and something I've realized I need to think about. Life has been tough since just after DH and I got married, with a lot of traumatic and life-changing events. I'd like to say we've faced them together, but DH was raised not to show emotion and that's made it really hard. I often don't go to him for support anymore, because he just can't handle feelings and doesn't know what to say or do. We've invested in our relationship by going to counseling, but I think we just need to do more fun things now that life is starting to settle down more. I love the idea of a weekly chat. Also, if I could throw our TV out the window, I would.

Ugh, we totally get into the habit of crashing on opposite ends if the couch in front if the tv where DH promptly falls asleep. We've talked about limiting our tv time or playing cards/board games instead 0. But we're tired and lazy lol. We have never had a tv in the bedroom though and I'm thankful.

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2014

We do weekly date nights. We go electronics free in the evening when we are both home to give us time to connect.

notkateanymore · May 2014

We have date nights, travel together and alone, talk...a lot! We really are best friends and talk about everything.

nonoemily · May 2014

We've been through so much together before we had kids that I feel like no one really "gets" me, except for DH.

DH is not a talker, occasionally the planets align and we can have a really great heart-to-heart, but mostly we don't have the greatest communication. It's something I've learned to live with over the years. I respect that his brain works different than mine and I try and wait for the right time to have a serious conversation, when what I really want to do is jump on him the second he walks in the door and tell him all about my day.

We spent a little bit of time cuddling at night before we fall asleep. DH has this amazing calming energy and I always relax just laying next to him.

I was married once before and learned a lot from that mistake. I feel like many people in my community have a totally unrealistic idea of what marriage looks like. I know very few happily married couples. Most of my mom friends IRL are single now.

To me, the most important thing in marriage is just to stay positive about your spouse. I complain about certain things he says and does, but I never go around saying bad things or being really negative about him.

We are lucky to live near our families and we take time out to just be together pretty frequently. Lately things have been really good between us, and so much of that is just the energy we put out in our day to day lives. I'm happy to be married to DH and I feel like he's happy to be married to me.

ToastieSimons · May 2014

It's hard, I'm not sure we "invest" in our marriage but we both have the expectation that divorce is basically a non-option. We're stuck with each other for life so we're going to make the best of it. This works for us because there is no abuse and we're both genuinely happy with each other. I'm not judging others for their choices, it's just our choice.

It's not easy at times, we blow up at each other, we sometimes sleep separately. But after we both have had time to cool off we talk, communicate and forgive and kiss.

I love my husband and never regret marrying him so the good times are awesome, it's not hard to be with him or anything. It's just with 2 special needs kids and a myriad of medical issues sometimes we end up taking out on each other what we wish we could take out on the kids.

My brother's friend got married on the same day as DH and I and he's been divorced for years. Another of my brother's friends got married 1.5 years ago and he already had an affair and separated from his wife. It's shocking to me to hear this just because I couldn't imagine life without DH by my side.

caybeh · May 2014

We talk about our day everyday.

DH calls me most days during lunch just to say hi and see how our day is going. I then ask about his day so far.

We don't let things fester. We talk about it right away if something is bothering us.

DH goes to bed later than I do, so in the evenings we hang out. It may just be sitting on the couch watching TV together or it may be just chatting. I also recognize he needs his downtime and I try to be respectful of that.

We don't bad mouth each other to other people. It really bothers me when ladies get together and husband bash.

We both know that neither of us are perfect, but love is a choice. I choose everyday to love him no matter what, and he does the same.

jag101 · May 2014

I'm sure every marriage has it 's ups and downs. I believe that if it's broke, you fix it, you don't just throw it away.

If there is something bugging us, we typically deal with it sooner rather than later. I think communication is key. Unfortunately we don't a bunch of time just the two of us, but I think we make the best of the situation.

zbeesma86 · May 2014

DH & I were friends first. So we talk. About everything. We can joke & make fun of ourselves without getting pouty & butt hurt.
We have date nights & are supportive of each other. We have our moments of disagreements & fights but all in all we love each other. I always say he's the ying to my yang.

lala5507 · May 2014

Dh and I said a long time ago that we would have monthly date night. Sadly, it's about 2-3 times a year. We are starting to work harder to make that happen. For all of you weekly daters; how do you make that happen?

bumpuser8448316 · May 2014

Kimbus22 said:

Currently I consider not stabbing my H my investment. But I'm assuming it's the overly pregnant hormones.

Generally though we make a concerted effort not to let things fester. We argue a lot. But we spent a long time learning how to argue effectively and that's helped a lot. We try to fit in time alone when we can.

For us, generally, sex fixes things though. When we find we're getting mean with one another, usually sex fixes it. I'm not sure how healthy that is...

I don't know if it's healthy or not but whenever we're feeling distant or disconnected physical touch always helps get things back on track.

Keeptruckin · May 2014

I guess the way we invest in each other is to always remember we should be each other's greatest fan or supporter. So often marries couples point out each other's flaws, even in front of others. I have a friend who will make little hurtful comments in front of her DH about his job or his weight. I have seen it happen with lots of couples.

So I try to build DH up, not tear him down. He is so flattering to me. He will turn to another couple and say something like, wow can you believe how great my wife looks tonight? It's not cheesy, he is very genuine.

We also try to really spend some time alone as a couple. This weekend we are going to an abba tribute type show. Something different than the usual dinner and a movie, although we enjoy that lol! Vacations alone once in awhile too!

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