Dreading the "help" the first few weeks...

firebelle26 · May 2014

I don't know about you guys, but I am absolutely dreading my Mom and MIL coming the first few weeks to "help out".

My Mom will be out the first week (because that's all I can handle of her) and my MIL for two weeks.

I honestly appreciate the fact that they are making the time to come out and help, but I just know it will be very frustrating for me. At least with my Mom. She says that she's coming to help with cleaning and dinners, and to take care of the baby so I can sleep, but I know it's just going to be tons of outdated, unsolicited advice, and how I'm doing everything wrong. My MIL may be slightly better, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

I guess I just need to appreciate the fact that they are coming out to help and have the best intentions, as I know some people aren't as fortunate. I just hope I don't go off in my Mom within the first 24 hours.

/end rant.

awknyc · May 2014

I love my mom to death, but I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this either. I'm overdue so going in for an induction on Thursday and scheduling my mom to fly in on Wednesday. She's staying until June 1 b/c we both have to fly out to Chicago for my sister's wedding that upcoming weekend. Mind you, we are in the middle of a renovation, so right now DH & I are staying in a 1 bedroom apartment until June. Try to imagine that plus a dog, a newborn and my mom.

usernewname · May 2014

I hear you! I'm not worried about my MIL, but I'm dreading my mother visiting as she always has an opinion.

I hope their visits go by fast, and if you need to hide out with baby - don't feel bad! I plan on doing that if I've had enough.

yvanehtnioj · May 2014

I told my mom I/we do not want any overnight visitors. Problem solved. I also felt she would offer little to no help with household stuff and outdated baby advice. I don't want my first memories of being a parent to include frustration with my mother. Is there no way you can get out of this? Or shorten each woman's visit? It's completely your prerogative here. Even if at one point you thought you'd want them around (as I once did), things change and they should be able to respect that.

firebelle26 · May 2014

@yvanehtnioj‌ - it sounds like our mothers are very similar, judging from past posts as well. I could ask that my MIL only stay a week (I could definitely handle her better than my own mom). However, with my mom I think if I asked her to shorten her stay, it would just make things worse between us, on an already strained relationship. They are both coming from about 2,000 miles away. Ugh, I need to think about how I want to handle this.

lavendergiraffes · May 2014

My doula gave me some advice about visitors and helpers and I don't know if it will help in your situation. I haven't done it yet but it's on my list...

She said make a list of of simple things people can do when they visit. You can refer your mom/mil or anyone who visits to that list when then ask what they can do. She said to put things like throw a load of laundry in, take the dog for a walk, water the plants, clean the toilet, do the dishes, etc. Basically anything that could help you with your basic daily routine.

I don't know if this would help in the case of your moms but it's an idea. I've just gotta get on it cause I think it's a fab idea! :-)

EmilyGolden1 · May 2014

If you already have a strained relationship- why would you want her or allow her to come during what should be some of the most amazing days of your life? Call me crazy and I love my mom but no way in hell I would let her stay with me- especially immediately pp

yvanehtnioj · May 2014

firebelle26 said:

@yvanehtnioj‌ - it sounds like our mothers are very similar, judging from past posts as well. I could ask that my MIL only stay a week (I could definitely handle her better than my own mom). However, with my mom I think if I asked her to shorten her stay, it would just make things worse between us, on an already strained relationship. They are both coming from about 2,000 miles away. Ugh, I need to think about how I want to handle this.

@firebelle26 I second what @emilygolden1 says...the frustration you may feel when she's there could put more strain on the relationship than asking her to shorten her visit. I think you're a saint for trying to acquiesce her desire to be with her new grandbaby but it may do more damage. Who knows what may come out of your mouth when you're sleep deprived, readjusting hormonally, and just trying to make it all work?

I was able to get around having her stay with us because there are other family members somewhat nearby, so she will have "visiting hours." I know if I had to ask her to stay in a hotel it would've gotten tricky, because she doesn't have a ton of $. Good luck & let us know what happens.

hatrats · May 2014

I think part of the problem is that the arrangements have already been made and you have already agreed to let them stay with you. Perhaps the closer it is getting to time, the more of a bad idea this seems like. One thing that might help is talking with your DH about your concerns and having him to help you set limits and develop some cues for when you need him to help you get some private time.

Jillzy86 · May 2014

I think making a list is a great idea. This will free you up for you and baby time, so you don't have to do any cooking or cleaning. Hopefully it won't be as bad as you think! I'm worried about being overwhelmed with my MIL and mom here. Mostly because when I don't feel well and or I am tierd I can get snappy and then I feel super guilty after.

Hallil · May 2014

I couldn't do it, luckily both mothers live close enough that there will be no overnight visits from either. That being said because they both live close they both like to "pop in" more often to "help." I hope you're pleasantly surprised but I will say this, hold your ground on what you want with your baby. The in laws walked all over me with DD1 because I didn't stand up for what I wanted and that won't be happening again. I don't care if it adds strain this time around.

daizijayne · May 2014

Yup, right there with you. My mom will be okay, aside from some unsolicited advice. MIL has told me many times she will come hold the baby so I can get other things done. And last time she insisted on "observing" every diaper change that occurred in our tiny bedroom. Great. What I really want is someone to help with food prep, cooking, dishes and entertaining my almost-three-year-old so I can snuggle and get to know my new baby.

I know they are all trying to help, so I am sucking it up and dealing with it. I will try to stand up for myself if/when need be. When it comes down to it, in general, I'm the type of person who just really needs my space. I tend to bristle when people get too meddlesome in my business. Add to that that DS spent the first week of his life in the NICU, and all I want is to snuggle this new baby in peace.

kalette · May 2014

These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

giggler25 · May 2014

And this feeling is exactly why I am refusing "help" when baby comes home. DH has 4 weeks paternity leave (I am very lucky to have him home with me for so long), so we are going to tough it out together. He is a bit nervous that we won't be able to handle it, but I told him I'd rather pay money to hire a baby nurse or postpartum doula IF we really need it, then deal with "helpful" moms visiting during this very stressful time. But, like a PP said, maybe your mom & MIL will turn out to be helpful and you'll be pleasantly surprised! I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

jenb_99 · May 2014

@awknyc said:

I love my mom to death, but I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this either. I'm overdue so going in for an induction on Thursday and scheduling my mom to fly in on Wednesday. She's staying until June 1 b/c we both have to fly out to Chicago for my sister's wedding that upcoming weekend. Mind you, we are in the middle of a renovation, so right now DH & I are staying in a 1 bedroom apartment until June. Try to imagine that plus a dog, a newborn and my mom.

Ugh. We're in a house, but it's 1100 sq ft with one main living area. And the master bedroom is too small to stay in during the day so it feels like we're in a 1-bedroom apartment. DH thinks he'll be home the first week, but I know my mom will want to help as much as possible too. We had lots of PP issues after DS was born (feeding problems, which triggered PPD for me), so I'm afraid everyone is going to be watching me like a hawk and making sure I can handle things this time around. I'm grateful that help will be available, but at the same time I'm dreading the big invasion of space and privacy. And I'm feeling super protective of DS too. I know he'll want to hang out with them and play, but at the same time I want him near me. Yeah, I can see this all going so well...

EmilyGolden1 · May 2014

kalette said:
These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

Your comment is rude, belittling, and unhelpful to the women who openly posted.

firebelle26 · May 2014

Thank you everyone for the advice. I agree, making a list is a fantastic idea. I've started one and am already feeling better about it. Also standing up for myself and what I believe is best for my baby.

Yes, it is tough because plans have already been made - and as it gets closer I get more nervous about it. I have talked to DH and he fully supports how I'm feeling and offered some advice on how we can tag team the situation. Feeling much better - deep breath! Thanks again ladies

yvanehtnioj · May 2014

kalette said:

These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

I'm sorry this makes you sad?

If you don't want your DD or DIL to feel that way, be the best mother you can be.

Not everyone has a super great mom or a wonderful relationship with their mom. Heck, a lot of us do have super great moms/relationships, but that doesn't still mean an extended visit wouldn't be without its faults. Thanks though.

drjwj · May 2014

I agree with the apprehension! I love my MIL and we have a good relationship, but she drives me CRAZY after a few days! I know she will be helpful and I am grateful, but I need some alone time to recharge so I'm just not sure how it will be with her here for a few weeks.

LunaBug924 · May 2014

My MIL drove me crazy my whole pregnancy, and she doesn't work and only lives 20 minutes away so she's been offering to come everyday since we got home from the hospital. The honest truth is that we've been letting her come and it has been nice to have the help. Luckily she is so enamoured with DD that she has left me alone. I just let her hold her all day in between feedings and I take naps and get a few things done. DH has been taking care of the house, so we've got a pretty even division of labor.

So you never know, hopefully it'll turn out to be a blessing to have them. Good luck!

hatrats · May 2014

kalette said:

These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

It is really not the same thing when your parents live close enough to go home at night. I am in the same situation as you fortunately, so I will be super happy to have our moms come help during the day. However, it would be a totally different story if they were going to be staying 24/7 at my house for a week or whatever. That would be extremely stressful even though I have a good relationship with them.

rainydayluck · May 2014

I am there now. My MIL is here now for two weeks. It has been 4 days and I am fucking losing my damn mind. All she does is hover and drive me nuts. It is hard because she is nice and means well, but it stresses me out having her here.

ashtondavis24 · May 2014

I hate to sound so bitchy, but this was my number one issue above anything. I don't care about pain, discomfort, breastfeeding, bloody vag, I don't want people at my house. We are in Georgia and my family and husbands family are in Virginia and I told everyone right off that they would be staying in hotels. My husbands in the Army and I've been required to take 4 different newborn care classes as well as labor and delivery and they even stressed the importance of you and your husband spending time alone with baby and that it can overwhelm you as well as baby to have all these people running around. I don't need tons of unwanted advice and comments especially from my mother in law, I want to figure things out for myself, after all, once everyone leaves that's what would have to happen anyway.

sisterjanet · May 2014

kalette said:

These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

I'm having my second son, so I kind of get this. All the "oh no, MIL" posts make me wonder what the distant future will hold.

For one thing though, I don't anticipate wanting to help plan a wedding or wanting to be in the delivery room, so as long as I get a DIL (or I suppose possibly SIL?) that's ok with a relatively hands-off MIL I think it'll be good.

For another thing, this seems like a passive-aggressive way to be the feelings police. "Boo hoo and alas, someday we're going to be in the 'mom of grownups' boat so be nice to your mom now because it'll somehow influence the future." Except no.

hfooter · May 2014

My mil told us she is planning on taking 2 weeks off when the kid arrives and wanted to stay with us for a week.

She lives 10mins away. I told her no and she did her typical "well we will see..." I also made my husband tell her no night nurses. If anyone was to stay with us, it'd be my mom. But she is only 5 mim away and she isn't "pushy."

@kalette‌ that's cool you cant understand. Good for you. But not everyone got so lucky with the mil pool. I have told all my fiends and my mom and sister that if I turn into one of those crazy mil/moms with my son to slap some sense into me.

Kris2011RN · May 2014

My mom was extremely helpful when she came down to visit. Yeah she gave me a lot of outdated advice but she was really there for me because I was depressed about not having a vaginal delivery. She might surprise you and be more helpful then what you are expecting.

This time I am dreading it because I am trying for a VBAC, and since my BFP my mom has been unsupportive in it saying c/s are easier and you don't have complications later in life like a prolapse uterus. I told DH that if I end up with anther c/s, that I don't want any comments or advice about me having another c/s. I am just going to have to stand up for myself and shut my mom and MIL up.

tjkdlhb · May 2014

kalette said:

These kind of threads make me really sad. My mom and mil both live just a few minutes away, so they don't need to come and stay, but I still can't imagine feeling the way some of you do about it if they did. It makes sad to think my DD or DIL could feel that way someday.

MIL has been here for the past month waiting for baby to be born.

So far, this is what our days have looked like:

Me:
Get up when DD gets up
Change her, get her ready for the day
Make breakfast
clean up from breakfast
start laundry
Make calls about EI
Take out garbage/recycling

MIL:
Sleep in
Go outside for a coffee/smoke and play in the sun with DD
Come in long enough to ask me to make her another coffee

I expect the rest of the day will involve me doing more laundry, cooking and cleaning bathrooms etc while DD naps and MIL going to the slot machines. That's been the routine.

Unknown · May 2014

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tjkdlhb · May 2014

I sort of get the list idea...
but shouldn't it be common sense?

If the dishes are dirty in the sink, wash them
If the laundry is piled in front of the machine, put another load on
If the bathrooms need to be cleaned, clean them
If the floor needs to be vacuumed, vacuum it.

I shouldn't have to follow a grown person around and dictate what they should be doing.

lavendergiraffes · May 2014

@tjkdlhb‌ yes, it should be common sense but that doesn't mean it is for some people...

QOTR · May 2014

One thing my doula recommended was to create a master grocery list of "essentials" to you, including the brand, item & quantity. That way, helpers can take an inventory of what you currently have in stock and go pick up any needed items without input from you.

skyrockets · May 2014

My father in law landed here yesterday. While he is no trouble he is also clearly anxious for the baby to be born and to get back on the road to go home. I have a feeling he will be leaving prior to the birth. Sorrynotsorry, no control over this!

MrsT2008 · May 2014

I had to tell my mom last time that we didn't want overnight visitors and I know it hurt her feelings but I just couldn't worry about that. MH was off work for almost a month, we didn't need a third adult in the house for one tiny baby. This time, thankfully, my parents live closer so it won't be an issue.

mcnava · May 2014

I understand...My parents came up when I was supposed to go home, but I ended up stuck at the hospital for an extra 2 nights....I only had to have 2 nights at home with them, which was fine. My parents live 8 hours away. However my MIL is so overbearing now. She asks every day if she can visit. The other night she came rushing at me while I was holding the baby just so she could kiss him. She came at my so fast that my dogs went after her. she is already visiting tomorrow with her sisters. Today she asked 3 times if she could come over. This is her first grandchild, so I know that it's exciting, but it's definietely overwhelming.