problems with the in-laws

abbym715 · May 2014

Let me preface my problem with some backstory...

My husband and I have been together for twelve years (we got married on our ten year anniversary) and were lucky enough to get pregnant the month we began trying. We're far from well off, but we're comfortable enough that we're able to afford the items we want to buy for our son which has included a pricey European crib and clothing.

DH's sister is 8 months pregnant with her third unplanned pregnancy in five years from her boyfriend who left his in-patient drug rehab facility early ten months ago. DH's family has always enabled his sister (babysitting 4 nights per week for two years straight, buying all clothes/diapers/toys (while their daughter buys herself an iPad), and giving her a brand new car when her car was repossessed due to non-payment). They enable her boyfriend by forgiving him when he relapses with drugs and alcohol and encouraging their daughter to continue her relationship.

All of this has always irritated my husband and I who have worked hard for everything we have which brings me to my current problem.

I was incredibly lucky to be chosen to attend Ellen's Mother's Day show last week and was gifted an insane amount of items (Sleep Number bed, crib, crib mattress, high chair, stroller.... like all the things). Since we have already purchased a crib and mattress we were hoping to sell these two items and use the money to purchase a glider. Fast forward to Mother's Day when DH's parents asked us what we were planning on giving to his sister from the Ellen show. Uhm, why would I give away the things my kid needs? They're essentially asking us to give her things that we would then have to go out and purchase for ourselves.

It's gotten to the point that I'm starting to feel guilty about not giving her these things, and, if I'm feeling guilty, doesn't that mean I'm doing something wrong by not giving them to her? Ugh. Any advice/insights would be greatly appreciated.

BabyM82714 · May 2014

If its her third baby in 5 years she should have what she needs. Those are your gifts. You aren't responsible for providing anything to her. Sell the crib and use your other items. Forget the SIL. I'm sure she does nothing for you in return and wont ever be grateful for anything because she doesn't seem to want to improve her lifestyle. Soooo nope keep all the goodies! Im cranky today lol And I'm so super jelly belly about seeing Ellen. I love her.

Nuclearcupcake · May 2014

I wouldn't give her anything It's not your responsibility.

NSAbby · May 2014

She should have everything she needs.

Maybe they should offer a permanent solution this time, instead of just diapers and clothes

PecanSam · May 2014

Pretend you got those things at a baby shower. Would you exchange those items or give them to SIL?

I would sell what you don't need and use that money to buy what you do need.

Ask your MIL if she will be buying you a glider or anything else you need?

Sounds like the SIL needs birth control.

dogperson11 · May 2014

PecanSam said:
Pretend you got those things at a baby shower. Would you exchange those items or give them to SIL?

I would sell what you don't need and use that money to buy what you do need.

Ask your MIL if she will be buying you a glider or anything else you need?

Sounds like the SIL needs birth control.

This exactly. Your MIL is way overstepping here. I've got a gem of a MIL (that's sarcasm there) and I've learned that it's best to let my husband deal with her. It is not your responsibility to enable your SIL.

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abbym715 · May 2014

Thank you ladies for being so supportive. It's such a frustrating experience but it's so lovely knowing I have your support- and it's kinda nice to know I'm not being a total greedy ahole.

@pecansam I made that exact argument to my husband when I was so flustered driving home from his parents' house.

Thanks, ladies!

kiley820 · May 2014

First things first....I'm sooo jealous! I love Ellen! I'd be super excited to go to any one of her shows let alone her Mother's Day show!

Ok now for my two cents. Keep ALL the goodies! You shouldn't be guilted into giving away your GIFTS because you are responsible and she is not. Clearly, as this is her 3rd baby, they are enabling her. Continue this behavior of give give give while she takes takes takes and nothing will ever change. I can see how you giving her your stuff takes the burden off of them to supply it for her but that is not your problem. Enjoy your stuff!!

XpectingTwinnies · May 2014

Hi! What a nice experience it must have been to be on the ellen show!! Quick question, how do they give you the presents?? You fit them in your car?? Do they deliver them?? I've always wondered.. Congrats on getting all those goodies!!
About the SIL, I feel like you are being manipulated into feeling guilty for being well of, which is a result of your and H hard work.. If your SIL were as responsible as you two, and still she were doing bad I'm sure you would like to help out.. But she seems like an irresponsible brat, and that is not your fault or responsibility or mess to clean up.. Sell what you don't need and get what you need with the money.. Enjoy the rest.. Tune out from MIL's guilt trip, surely she wouldn't be asking the same from SIL were she the one who had gone to ellen..

Valancyy · May 2014

I agree, don't you dare give her anything! I hate when people enable, it doesn't help the person. Your IL's are not doing SIL any favors by handing her everything.

Also...I agree with the pp who said if this is her 3rd kid, how much stuff could she possibly need? I'm having my 3rd and we need practically nothing.

Congrats on all the free stuff!

ASecretChord · May 2014

Ugh. Don't feel any guilt. You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I wouldn't have much of a relationship with them period if this is their MO. They sound sick. (But I can understand if you tolerate them for the sake of your nephews.) How awesome that you got to go to the Ellen show!

jgiles · May 2014

Don't give her anything. Does your husband have your back? If so I wouldn't worry about it and enjoy the stuff you deserve not her!!

+RBL+ · May 2014

I wouldn't feel guilty. MIL/FIL are not supporting you financially. If you want to sell the stuff from the show to get what you need there is no reason you shouldn't do that.

abbym715 · May 2014

Thank you all again! A few of you asked how we get the items home... the Ellen show told us to bring the biggest car we had access to, and we really needed it! They loaded us up with the crib, stroller, high chair and mamaroo (it barely all fit in my husband's Honda Pilot!). The crib mattress will arrive in the mail in the next 2 weeks, and everything else (baby food, 6 months of diapers, Sleep Number bed, necklace, baby monitor....) was given out as coupons that we redeem in-store or online. It was a truly amazing experience and I know how lucky we are to have been offered the opportunity. Thank you again for all of your support, you truly are such a wonderful bunch of women!

mamabear214 · May 2014

Do we have the same IL family?

Your SIL sounds a lot like the two that I have! Her children are her responsibility, not yours. Those are your gifts. Do what you want with them.

torooji · May 2014

First of all, congratulations on all the free stuff!!! That's awesome!

Second, I want to echo what everyone else said. You absolutely don't need to share your gifts with anyone! I can see why they would think it is nice for you to share your good fortune, but to expect it that way is ridiculous. It amazes me they'd even ask you to give up your gifts.

kimberlybethh · May 2014

What a great opportunity!! I would not give her sil a thing from the show. It is your stuff so you should decide how you want to use it. Besides, you would be enabling her by giving her handouts and rewarding her irresponsible behavior. There is no need for you to feel bad about your in-laws not having a backbone.

KaleMonster · May 2014

First of all, congrats on being chosen to go to the Ellen Show, and what an awesome haul!

Second, you don't owe your SIL anything. Don't let your in-laws make you feel guilty for selling items you don't need to purchase ones that you do need for your child!

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