Family Problems

asarem93 · May 2014

I am 18 weeks pregnant with what I think is a miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS last year right after we decided to try for a baby, and I got pregnant without losing weight or being on fertility drugs. My doctors were very surprised. Well recently my sister was diagnosed with pcos as well, and now she is acting like because I got pregnant, I never struggled with fertility problems. According to her, all of her symptoms are WAY worse and she has it worse than I did because she doesn't have a husband to try with every other day for a year. She also acts like I can't complain about any of my pregnancy symptoms or complain while giving birth, "because at least (I) get to experience it". I am trying to be supportive because I know how hard infertility is, but I don't know how to handle this anymore. Any advise is welcome, but please be nice.

SusieBW · May 2014

I feel like if she is being so blunt about her feelings, maybe your best bet is to be equally blunt about yours. Tell her how she's making you feel.

DreadGamerWife · May 2014

I was diagnosed with PCOS over 10 years ago (before I met DH) and luckily had time to understand and process what the diagnosis meant in terms of my health and fertility. If she found out while undergoing infertility testing, then it would be hard to deal with both the diagnosis and the knowledge that you are pregnant (even if you also have PCOS and found out in similar circumstances). I know I was both happy for them and upset when my SIL got pregnant quickly (1st month trying) when we had been struggling with infertility for over two years (she is due in July). I know that it is hard as your world is filled with pregnancy stuff, but try to talk with her about items other than pregnancy/infertility/babies. I was always grateful when family members wanted to talk about something other than my SIL's pregnancy or my infertility issues. Even if it was just what interesting rocks my mother found on a recent trip (she is a rock hound) or even my older nieces activities (teenagers).

Let's face it - any type of infertility diagnosis is a shock to the system as many of us always assumed we could get pregnant when we wanted to. And then to have a constant reminder of what (you think) you can't have is hard to deal with.

Also, while I wouldn't recommend that you post on the TTTC board (most women on that board are in the same situation as your sister - trying to conceive her first and having to go through infertility treatments), it might be helpful to read some of their posts to see other perspectives of women in similar situations as your sister.

MissMandyD · May 2014

After my loss I had lots of trouble being excited for any friend or family member who was pregnant or had a newborn and had no patience at all for any kind of complaining. I have a close friend with a diagnosed fertility problem and she felt the same way. Any time either of us seemed excited or happy I hate to say it but we were completely faking it.

At the same time I felt horrible for feeling this way. The internal emotions were very confused and complicated. All I really wanted was to continue to have relationships with friends and family that were not about pregnancy and babies. I would always try to politely change the subject and if that didn't work would usually end up in a car or room crying by myself.

You might just need to discuss other things with your sister until she is ready to be supportive. It will happen but if you try and force the issue it won't end well.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2014

dorothyzbornak97 said:

I would give her some space. It sounds like she's having a hard time dealing with her diagnosis and she's taking it out on you. It's not fair to you, for sure, but life's not fair. Hopefully she'll realize that your fertility has no bearing on her own and that PCOS is not a death sentence as far as having children.

100% yes to the bolded. I have PCOS and got pregnant without any weight loss or intervention - twice. It took DH and I over 18 months of trying with DD but only 6 with this LO.

I would say that just because you both have a PCOS diagnosis doesn't mean you will have the same struggles. And it sounded like your sister isn't married (or did I read that wrong) so the next time she says "at least you get to experience" pregnancy, tell her to shut it, she doesn't know that she won't.

I hate when people think PCOS = never having children.

asarem93 · May 2014

understand what all of y'all are saying and thank you. Unfortunately, my sister tends to be like this with any problem she is having. She is one of those people that have to have it worse than you so she can get pitty. She is not currently trying to have a baby so she has not technically been diagnosed with infertility either. She found out last month, so I do know exactly what she is going through because I remember that initial shock and anger I had. As for changing the subject, she is the one who constantly brings it up, and when I try to give her advise or support it's always "yeah but...". Even if I had the exact same symptom as her, here's is always worse. Luckily, she has a great doctor who started her on metformin immediately, where as My doctor wanted me to wait a year, and lose weight. I found out I was pregnant the week before I was supposed to get on Clomid. Again, thank you all for the advice.

asarem93 · May 2014

Ps. She is not married or dating and was not undergoing infertility testing. She found out because she missed her periods for over 4 months.

asarem93 · May 2014

Ps. She is not married out dating and was not undergoing infertility testing. She found out because she missed her periods for over 4 months.

Jennifer18131 · May 2014

asarem93 said:

Ps. She is not married or dating and was not undergoing infertility testing. She found out because she missed her periods for over 4 months.

This is what jumped out at me in the OP. How old is she? I have not dealt with fertility issues so I don't know the emotional struggles that someone goes through with that, but in this situation, I would definitely sit her down and bluntly tell her that she's acting foolish and hurting your feelings.

asarem93 · May 2014

She's 25, I'm 21 and my SO is 23. And she doesn't care. She knows it bothers me, but as long as she knows I feel bad for her she's happy

lrobi13 · May 2014

I did not struggle with infertility but one of my best friend has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. She got pregnant two weeks after me but sadly miscarried around 6 weeks.

While I do keep her in the loop about my pregnancy it is not the only thing we talk about and I try to keep my pregnancy complaints to a minimum around her.

That being said, if your sister is not actively trying to get pregnant and is just a little jealous that your life is progressing better than hers than you are in a lose-lose situation. I am sorry that you have to deal with this but just know up front that she is not the person you can use as a support person until she is in a better place and wants to be happy for you.

asarem93 · May 2014

She is 25. I am 21 and my SO is 23. And she can tell it bothers me. She doesn't care as long as she knows I feel bad for her. However, I forgot to mention that she is actively trying to be included in my pregnancy. She offered to plan my baby shower and gender reveal...She she's kind of making herself miserable. I've told her that of she can't handle it I understand and my mom will do it, but she insists.

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