Marriage check in?

Kate_C · May 2014

I know that a fair number of us have shared marital concerns, particularly post kids. I'm not dealing with anything so serious as infidelity, but have really struggled lately with unhappiness in our relationship. Others - how are you coping? Anything that has helped you improve communication or your relationship? I thought maybe we could share some tips with each other. Or at least commiserate.

ETA - this is obviously not limited to legally married folks. All are welcome to contribute relationship advice.

tondraluv · May 2014

Lately we have both been under a lot of stress with the two deaths in the family, tension with my IL's, and him not working. We had a big fight two weeks ago because from my perspective, he was slacking as far as helping out around the house and from his perspective, I was nagging a lot. After the fight we sat down and had a really good talk regarding what we expected from each other and how we need to verbally express what we need. This communication was definitely needed because I thought he was being an ass and not just helping when in actuality he didn't realize I was overwhelmed and stuff needed to be done.

Erin10408 · May 2014

My husband and I are doing...ok. It's getting better. Most of it stems from my PPD, which mostly manifested itself in lashing out at him. I said some really hurtful things to him during that time, and I think he is having trouble trusting that I won't act on the things that I threatened. PPD is an ugly monster...I said some really terrible things.

I do have some resentment towards him with how he handled my PPD...he was not the most supportive, and just wanted me to "hurry up and get better". It was such an awful time, and we both did things that have caused some lasting hurt. I can tell we are both cautious around one another, which I don't like.

Our relationship is really lacking some romance right now...we have only had 2 date nights since Claire was born. We have made a big effort in the sex department, and that is helping a lot. It makes me feel closer to him, and reclaims some of my identity from before I was a mom.

So, in a nutshell...we're working on it.Slowly. We have really good weeks, and then we will have a couple of rough days. He is an amazing man, and father. I think we both need to work on being better spouses to each other.

MsAmeera25 · May 2014

My husband and I have a really good relationship but it takes a lot of work. Granted we have only been married 2 years next week. In the beginning we fought a lot because our expectations were not clear of each other. The two biggest things that have helped our marriage is monthly marriage counseling and a set date night.

We see a marriage counselor once a month as a maintenance. When we did our pre marital counseling they recommended we come monthly sometimes we do a session together other times we do it separate. It's a great opportunity for us to talk to a neutral safe third party about issues we may be experiencing and work through them. Some sessions are done with other couples and we really like it because its safe and we don't have to worry about bringing other ppl into our relationship ie friends, family etc.

We also have a set date night with no baby no matter what we don't cancel it and even if we don't want to go anywhere we will stay home together and hang out at home or a park or where ever. I'v e found it really helps us to reconnect and be adults and ppl in a relationship vs parents.

We have a few other rules in our house that I feel have helped the top ones are we always hug and kiss each other goodnight, don't go to bed mad, we must sleep in the same bed together at night, never turn down sex on either side, and if something is wrong say it we don't harbor feelings for big blow ups later. We've both agreed that by always having physical contact with each other its kind of hard to stay mad a person who is giving you a hug.

That's what has worked for us so far.

Kate_C · May 2014

I'm sorry you had such a rough night @jthree. : (

Part of my frustration is that I thought my H and I had a good chat about our frustrations and expectations. He wanted me to help more in the evenings (he usually does daycare pick up) and I wanted more communication and affection/appreciation. I feel like I stepped up on my end.

But he still takes out his frustrations with the kids being kids on me. We are on the same team. Having two little kids is really effing hard. I can hear the screaming and whining and tantrums too. In fact I'm usually the one who ends up having to fix it. So why are you grouching at me? It doesn't help you feel better and it just makes me miserable too. Sometimes I am really tempted to tell him to just leave. But I'm half afraid he wouldn't ever come back.

tondraluv · May 2014

@mrandmrsk91011 this is our issue too, we are fine financially with me working but my husband doesn't feel a "man's role" is at home. He is struggling with that a lot.

MsAmeera25 · May 2014

Jdubb13 said:

Communication has always been a strong point in our relationship, but that's where we're really struggling now. I feel like we talk AT each other instead of TO each other. We have argued and fought more during this pregnancy than we have in a long time and I know a lot of it is stress and pure exhaustion. We started reading the 5 Love Languages that some of you recommended, but haven't gotten past the first few chapters and MH even suggested that maybe we should see a therapist. We both want to make sure our relationship is rock solid before another baby joins our family and I feel bad even saying this, but therapy just sounds like too much work right now and I really don't feel emotionally stable enough to deal with these issues while pregnant. He is such an amazing man and I know I'm so lucky to have a husband who adores me and is a wonderful father, but sometimes marriage is tough.

I think you would be surprised, it's really not a lot of work. Our counselors do a great job of making an issue plain to see and then we'll be like oh okay I can do that it's not really big of a deal. It may help you with the stress.

MsAmeera25 · May 2014

Jdubb13 said:

MsAmeera25 said:

Jdubb13 said:

Communication has always been a strong point in our relationship, but that's where we're really struggling now. I feel like we talk AT each other instead of TO each other. We have argued and fought more during this pregnancy than we have in a long time and I know a lot of it is stress and pure exhaustion. We started reading the 5 Love Languages that some of you recommended, but haven't gotten past the first few chapters and MH even suggested that maybe we should see a therapist. We both want to make sure our relationship is rock solid before another baby joins our family and I feel bad even saying this, but therapy just sounds like too much work right now and I really don't feel emotionally stable enough to deal with these issues while pregnant. He is such an amazing man and I know I'm so lucky to have a husband who adores me and is a wonderful father, but sometimes marriage is tough.

I think you would be surprised, it's really not a lot of work. Our counselors do a great job of making an issue plain to see and then we'll be like oh okay I can do that it's not really big of a deal. It may help you with the stress.

Do you attend counseling seperate and as a couple?

We go once a month and alternate the session so this month we both attended separate counseling sessions and next month we will go together. We see a husband and wife team so we meet at the same time just with one or the other.

JSS1002 · May 2014

I'll check back in to comment further on this, but something that has helped me ever since getting married in general (we'll be 3 years in October, both lived alone for like 10 years before getting married, highly independent, got married at 34, didn't live together before marriage), is this blog called Simple Marriage -- sometimes it isn't anything earth shattering, but I usually get a nugget or two of helpful tips and tools out of it.

For me, the biggest thing was learning not make decisions in a vacuum. that is probably our biggest issue. I am so used to calling all the shots and controlling everything, and that just doesn't work.

https://simplemarriage.net/

Also, remembering that we're on the same team. Sometimes I forget that. :-)

CanukMam · May 2014

I saw on Reddit the other day that this guy has a spreadsheet where he ranks each month 1-10 in areas of Work Life, Social Life, Health, Family, etc

He then does analysis by month/year to review his life. Would be an excellent health check to see your overall happiness and areas that need improvement. It would also shed some light on when you partners happiness is declining, etc. I think this would be an excellent exercise to go through as a couple, especially if you are struggling.

JSS1002 · May 2014

Trin42 said:

I can't put my finger on any one thing that has changed but things have just been getting better the last 2-3 months. I attribute a lot of it to DH actually being happy. Why has he suddenly become happy? He doesn't even know or won't tell me. But he's not as negative which then doesn't turn me sour so we don't fight about the little irritating things as much. He's actually initiated sex the last few times which he never did before. And he's been attentive while DTD too which he's rarely done before. So all the little things add up I guess.
For my birthday this week my mom gave me "Conversation Cards" b/c she knows DH doesn't talk much. haha. I'm a little excited to use them. DH is HORRIBLE at communication and I suck some also. Each card has a question (ex: Who would you like to meet in person and why?). It's just a conversation starter. DH says he never has anything to talk about so I'm hoping we can pull these out and start a conversation.
Also I think getting outside has helped us a lot too now that the weather is warm. I play with DS outside while DH works outside and it's family time along with fresh air and sun. Maybe DH was having some seasonal affective disorder stuff. hmm.

We actually have a couple of books like that -- one called "IF: Questions for the game of life" and on nights we're just sitting around having a few drinks or whatever, we always pull it out. It always brings about some interesting conversations!

[Deleted User] · May 2014

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kgs0505 · May 2014

Let's see...

Well, things have been backsliding to pre-nuclear bomb in our marriage. It's been concerning me. We just haven't been communicating very well, and I think neither of us want to "ruin" the momenet. So, I wrote a doc listing the feelings I've been having and the thoughts that have been contributing to those feelings. Mostly this was to sort my own thoughts out. But I shared it with him. He wrote a response to me, but of his own thoughts around each topic and shared that with me. Wasn't easy to read, but as I said neither of us have been speaking for fear of "ruining" momenets by saying something hurtful. What was really highlighted was that we both have a lot of the same concernd. We might look at them differently, but they are shared to some extent. We still need to actually discuss these things in person, but it isn't going to be tonight. He doesn't get home til midnight. I plan on being asleep then Maybe tomorrow...

At least if we have issues with talking in person, we can at least write to each other to try and get things started. I think he's afraid on me crying and having an anxiety attack, and I'm afraid of ruining his happy mood.

Kate_C · May 2014

@kgs0505‌ - I'm sorry you are in a rough patch again. But I really like the idea of writing it all out first as a way to share your feelings (and for me, edit the presentation so I don't say something I regret). Did it work well to have him write his response so you could read it on your own? Or do you think it would have worked better to read it together to talk through it?

JSS1002 · May 2014

Kate_C said:

@kgs0505‌ - I'm sorry you are in a rough patch again. But I really like the idea of writing it all out first as a way to share your feelings (and for me, edit the presentation so I don't say something I regret). Did it work well to have him write his response so you could read it on your own? Or do you think it would have worked better to read it together to talk through it?

Exactly what she said. I think you are really strong.

An issue i've been trying to work on is my own attitude. I get annoyed with DH when I think that his attitude sucks or when he's super negative, but then I turn around and find myself doing the same thing. When i'm annoyed over something that truly doesn't matter, I have chosen to just let it go... for example, I will never understand why he doesn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher (instead of the sink), but I've chosen to just accept it and put them in the dishwasher and let it go. I'm sure there are things I do that drive him bonkers, and we each do a pretty good job of picking our battles. I'd rather argue about something significant than something stupid like dirty dishes!

ClandestineX · May 2014

My husband and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years. We got married "doomsday." Anyways, our honeymoon phase lasted for about two years then things like responsibility and just every day life came into our relationship.

I came into the relationship knowing my husband had some baggage due to a lot of things. His mom and grandma always told me I was the light and brought him out of the dark place he was in. When I saw the relationship he had with his mother and his grandmother, I told him he needed to change that and that he better not talk to me like that ever. He has anger issues. I do as well. Though, since I left California the first time, I had been actively working on my anger. His job used to be simple, everything was told to him and he was the lowest on the totem pole.. just basically clean the rig. Now that he is a driller, it is a management position. He has to give the orders and he is not the best at doing that.. which is why he just does everyone else's job.. then wonders why he is so tired at the end of the day and so irritated. He brings that back to the house, which he is currently trying to work on not doing.

Having Connor and living in MIL's house (though she is the sweetest lady ever), made me snap at him all the time. Coupled with my PPD that I know I had, but could never get it checked out.. I have been having a hard time just talking with him because I am just so focused on Connor and myself. We also have two big new finances, a mortgage and his brand new truck payment.

Now that our house is done, we are hoping to start fixing what is broken..our communication. Also things like:

-When you complain about your day, add something positive.

-No laptop/computer/phones in the room.

-TV off for at least an hour when Connor goes to sleep so we have 'us' time.

-No going to bed mad.

-Stop bitching about things that nobody has control over. Find a solution to the problem instead. (Example would be something like a water line broke, then being pissed all day about it).

Lhyacinth888 · May 2014

knitfaced said:
I think for us our main struggle is that our kids are still so young and needy that they take everything we have all day and night long so we have nothing good left over to give each other. It seems better to lose our patience with each other rather than the kids. And because there is so much to do to keep this boat afloat it feels like certainly the other person is not doing enough to help but I know we are both always working. I think my main frustration is that his OCD has been a little out of control this past year as a result of all the stress in our life which leads him to do really useless things that he feels are "important" like alphabetizing the DVDs we never watch and will be messed up by the kids in five minutes, and leaves me to take care of the everyday house and child care that actually does have to get done. Every day i wake up and say today is the day I change myself and be a better wife, but then I feel like he doesn't reciprocate in any way so I give up.

Although DH and I are definitely in a good patch with our relationship right now this is us to a T.

kgs0505 · May 2014

Kate_C said:
@kgs0505‌ - I'm sorry you are in a rough patch again. But I really like the idea of writing it all out first as a way to share your feelings (and for me, edit the presentation so I don't say something I regret). Did it work well to have him write his response so you could read it on your own? Or do you think it would have worked better to read it together to talk through it?

I'm glad I read his on my own. Both of ours were unedited. He said things he probably wouldn't have said to my face. He's really working on talking about his issues at all. So although some of the stuff hurt, it wasn't exactly new information. But it gave me his perspective better than a sanitized version.
We do plan

superToots · May 2014

DH and I were in a rough patch when we found out we were pregnant with ds1, we decided to make to work. He proposed. We got married in August. Cameron was born in April. We had a miscarriage just after Cameron's first birthday. Then got pregnant with Casey. here we are almost 4 years in and we've been too busy to really focus on what wasn't working BEFORE we got married. Stuff is slowing coming to a head and its hard. Marriage is hard. Really stinkin hard. But deep down I love him more than I can express and I'm in it for the long haul. Thanks for this post. I'm learning a lot from you guys

tondraluv · May 2014

@clandestinex any advice on how to work on anger? The techniques my therapist recommends (journaling) doesn't always help.

ClandestineX · May 2014

@Tondraluv - I am still working on it every single day, some days I fail. Just... when I get angry, I try my hardest to rationalize why I am angry. Like today, I almost blew up because Connor has been almost non stop whining and very, very clingy. When I removed his hand from my laptop and he threw a tantrum I immediately told myself that 1. he was one years old 2. that he will get it soon enough 3. he is going through this stage and it will be over sometime 4. I need a break.

Other things I have been doing to stop me from blowing up is breathing in through my nose, out my mouth, running/exercising (which I have not exercised in a while and probably why I am more on edge), listen to my favorite songs away from everyone, or my newest thing... try to get some laughs out of Connor.. which in turn makes me laugh.

I have tried writing in journals, I have tried to make notes, I have tried to meditate.. but I can't seem to grasp it.

As for ways to help my husband and his anger issue, when he is mad, I ask him why. When he tells me, ask him what he plans to do about it. When he tells me that, I help him get it done and tell him that I am on his side. When he snaps at me for something, I ask him if he is really mad at me or if he is mad about the situation. Almost always it is the situation, then I tell him that I am on his side and we can try and work it out together if he wants my help. If it is me, then I will ask him what he wants me to do or what I did to make him mad at me. 100% of the time it is misunderstanding or not communicating clearly between us.

If he wants to be left alone, I leave him alone. Even if I get pissed at him for snapping at me because I can argue for a long time and it usually snowballs.

Every single time that has happened though, he has apologized after getting cooled off or finishing whatever was pissing him off.. then I remind him that I do not like being snapped at and that snapping at me makes me snap at him and next time not to do it.

This is one of the most hardest things I have ever done. Working on this.

Erin10408 · May 2014

I totally have some anger/resentment issues as well, and love to argue. Once I start, I just can't stop. I let really little things build and build until I snap.

I really struggle with feeling appreciated in our marriage. This is probably the biggest issue since Claire has been born. I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough, and the things that I do go unnoticed. I know a lot of it is distorted thinking. My husband has told me that I expect too much appreciation, and "thank you's", and that it's something he can't give me. This hurts me a lot. While I know a lot of it is my own issue, I just can't understand why he can't try to show me more appreciation...why he won't do this for me.

For example...he has been gone on a fishing trip for the past two days, and got home last night. While he was gone, I cleaned the house, got all the b-day party stuff put away from the weekend, put Claire's new toys together, did all the laundry, went out and bought new car seats, prepped some meals for the week, and weeded some of the landscaping. While taking care of Claire...and working. When he got home,he didn't thank me for anything, or notice anything. I blew it off. I went for a walk by myself, and he did dinner and bedtime with Claire. When I got back, he was chatting on the phone with his dad, and the highchair was a mess, none of the dishes were done, all of Claires bottles were still dirty from daycare, and there was food all over the floor. He continued to talk on the phone while I cleaned everything up, and when he hung up, he said "Why did you do that? I was going to clean it up later" No thank you again.

I lost it. We fought again last night. He just doesn't get it, and I can't get myself out of this cycle of resentment.

none5 · May 2014

I can really relate to @Erin10408. I feel like I should do more and that I'm under-appreciated for the things I do. However, MH is very hands on and a great father. I really can't complain about him. I think it's me. Right now, I feel like we're (I am) just going through the motions. With the impending IVF, I think we're (or just me) a little stressed out and not talking about it. We need a date weekend or something to get back on track.

Erin10408 · May 2014

none5 said:

I can really relate to @Erin10408. I feel like I should do more and that I'm under-appreciated for the things I do. However, MH is very hands on and a great father. I really can't complain about him. I think it's me. Right now, I feel like we're (I am) just going through the motions. With the impending IVF, I think we're (or just me) a little stressed out and not talking about it. We need a date weekend or something to get back on track.

Glad I'm not alone. And really...I can't complain too much either. My H is a wonderful father and does so much for us.He just isn't a very sensitive person, and doesn't verbalize...while I verbalize too much.He is also a bit of a perfectionist, and I often feel like I can't live up to his expectations. Which is totally my issue. I also think he was really thrown by my PPD.

I talked to him on the phone this morning, and he explained to me that he does appreciate me so much, but that he shows it differently. We both agreed that we really need some time away to ourselves to reconnect, so hopefully we can plan something soon.

He might also be having a huge career change soon which would mean we would have to move...and that is stressing me out big time.

tondraluv · May 2014

Thanks @clandestinex I def have anger issues and sometimes it's hard to take a step back and look at yourself and the situation.

JSS1002 · May 2014

Jdubb13 said:

Erin10408 said:

none5 said:

I can really relate to @Erin10408. I feel like I should do more and that I'm under-appreciated for the things I do. However, MH is very hands on and a great father. I really can't complain about him. I think it's me. Right now, I feel like we're (I am) just going through the motions. With the impending IVF, I think we're (or just me) a little stressed out and not talking about it. We need a date weekend or something to get back on track.

Glad I'm not alone. And really...I can't complain too much either. My H is a wonderful father and does so much for us.He just isn't a very sensitive person, and doesn't verbalize...while I verbalize too much.He is also a bit of a perfectionist, and I often feel like I can't live up to his expectations. Which is totally my issue. I also think he was really thrown by my PPD.
I talked to him on the phone this morning, and he explained to me that he does appreciate me so much, but that he shows it differently. We both agreed that we really need some time away to ourselves to reconnect, so hopefully we can plan something soon.
He might also be having a huge career change soon which would mean we would have to move...and that is stressing me out big time.

My husband is good at vocalizing and telling me he appreciates me, but I'm a action type girl. We took the 5 Love Languages quiz online and it was 100% right. I feel loved/appreciated when MH does stuff for me. This can be as simple as taking out the trash or doing the dishes after dinner, but Acts of Service is my top love language. On the other hand, Acts of Service rated very low for MH and Physical Touch was his number 1. I feel like I show him how much I love him all the time by making dinner, cleaning the house and so on, but he needs touch to feel loved/appreciated and I wasn't giving him that either. I can't remember who was talking about this book and we actually have only read the first couple chapters, but maybe having you and your husband take the quiz online would help so that he knows what lanugage to use to show you he appreciates you.

I was going to suggest the 5 Love Languages for everybody who hasn't read it / done it -- Erin, what you said above is basically the purpose of the book. He doesn't understand why you NEED to feel appreciated so much. that's because that isn't HIS love language -- he's probably focused on giving you love the way HE receives love, because he doesn't know any better. The trick is to figure out what language your partner needs/speaks, and then give them love in the way the need it. My husband NEEDS to be listened to. He always accuses me of not being a good listener. I think that's crazy pants, because in my group of friends, I'm considered the confidant and great advice-giver, etc -- but I realized that for him, it wasn't about hearing his problems and giving advice, it was just about TRULY listening and validating his problems without trying to solve them for him. I'm an acts of service / appreciate me person -- I'm not really into gifts. I love everythign he's ever bought me, but honestly the best gift EVER was this mother's day where he gave me the sappiest card ever that was all about how much he appreciates me and our relationship. Holy shit, I'm crying just thinking about it. He's a man of few words/emotions, but I have BIG emotions and LOTS of words - he figured me out.

@Jollywife - you said "If dh is handling it I need to let him do it, even if its not how I would do it." about discipline, and I totally agree but I've had to learn to do that with EVERYTHING. If I don't like how he's (changing a diaper, carrying James, leaving the lights on), whatever, I just shut my trap and let him figure it out. I wouldn't want somebody harping all over me all the time either... even though harping / nagging is never my intent, I would TOTALLY feel nagged if he did that stuff to me. Plus you learn the best through making mistakes and trying different things. Guess what happened when I started letting things go: DH started picking up the slack without my even having to ask.

What Erin wrote above could be me - I leave work early so that I can start dinner before DH and LO get home. Mind you, this is after a long work day of using my brain + 40-60 minute commute home. So I walk in the door, MAYBE change clothes, start dinner, prep some bottles and whatever food James is having if our dinner times don't align... they get home, I immediatley start feeding James in the high chair while dinner cooks, we all eat dinner together, then I usually do the dishes, bathe James, we read / play and then go to bed. For a while I was doing this entire cycle myself, except maybe DH reading to / playing with James... earlier this week I stopped doing the dishes / cleanup part, and DH just DID it. I almost died. But it was like he finally saw me running my (pregnant) self ragged and getting so crabby and frustrated... The dishes weren't done the way I'd do them, but WHO CARES, I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THEM.

Last night I had a late-breaking work crisis, so I asked DH to come sit with LO in the bath so I could get back online and work for a little bit -- I assumed I'd have to get him out, get him dressed, etc... nope, DH just did it. He didn't use any lotion / diaper rash cream. THE WORLD DID NOT END.

I am not good at letting go and just going with the flow, so I have to own a lot of this.. by letting go, I got the result I really needed /wanted, which was to NOT have to do everything..

Just food for thought...

Erin10408 · May 2014

@JSS1002 and @Jdubb13...I took the quiz, and no big surprise there...I scored highest in the Words of Affirmation, and lowest in Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. The way my husband shows love is by doing things and giving me gifts. So totally opposite of my love language.

I know he will think this quiz is a bunch of non-sense, but I sent him my profile, and told him he should take it. We'll see

Erin10408 · May 2014

ETA (won't let me edit previous post)

I ASKED him to take it...not told him.

JSS1002 · May 2014

Erin10408 said:

@JSS1002 and @Jdubb13...I took the quiz, and no big surprise there...I scored highest in the Words of Affirmation, and lowest in Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. The way my husband shows love is by doing things and giving me gifts. So totally opposite of my love language.
I know he will think this quiz is a bunch of non-sense, but I sent him my profile, and told him he should take it. We'll see

When he does take it, it will be interesting to see if he scores highest in Acts of Service and Gifts -- if so, then he's trying to love you the way he knows / sees love...

Erin10408 · May 2014

JSS1002 said:

Erin10408 said:

@JSS1002 and @Jdubb13...I took the quiz, and no big surprise there...I scored highest in the Words of Affirmation, and lowest in Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. The way my husband shows love is by doing things and giving me gifts. So totally opposite of my love language.
I know he will think this quiz is a bunch of non-sense, but I sent him my profile, and told him he should take it. We'll see

When he does take it, it will be interesting to see if he scores highest in Acts of Service and Gifts -- if so, then he's trying to love you the way he knows / sees love...

I would bet a million dollars that he will score highest in those two..or Physical Touch

JSS1002 · May 2014

Erin10408 said:

JSS1002 said:

Erin10408 said:

@JSS1002 and @Jdubb13...I took the quiz, and no big surprise there...I scored highest in the Words of Affirmation, and lowest in Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. The way my husband shows love is by doing things and giving me gifts. So totally opposite of my love language.
I know he will think this quiz is a bunch of non-sense, but I sent him my profile, and told him he should take it. We'll see

When he does take it, it will be interesting to see if he scores highest in Acts of Service and Gifts -- if so, then he's trying to love you the way he knows / sees love...

I would bet a million dollars that he will score highest in those two..or Physical Touch

My husband would score high in physical touch too.

ClandestineX · May 2014

tondraluv said:

Thanks @clandestinex I def have anger issues and sometimes it's hard to take a step back and look at yourself and the situation.

It really is. I know it is cliche, but really try and take it one day at a time and reflect on why you are/were mad that day. Maybe you might get a better grasp at seeing the signs before you really get pissed.

JSS1002 · May 2014

JollyWife said:

@jss1002 I have to really work on that, the leaving him to do things his way. It is hard bc sometimes reality doesn't match the vision of family life I *used* to have. But I can't always nag. It is really hard. I always envisioned little to no tv, healthy meals, lots of activities. Reality is hit or miss with those things. We're doing our best and getting by the best we know how I guess.

It's hard for me too -- although my situation is slightly different in that the stuff I idealize about doesn't really matter -- whereas your vision for little to no TV, healthy meals, and lots of activities is actually sort of important! My shit is like... how do you put the TP roll on / change a diaper/ do the dishes, etc.... stuff that really REALLY doesn't matter.

ToAoShesha · May 2014

I haven't read through all of the response and problems on this thread yet but I wanted to recommend a book to everyone. I recommend you read it with your partner and discuss it. For those of you that don't know I was a relationship counselor.... Although times are difficult, having struggles after children is common. Both partners must be willing to work hard on the relationship to make it work. But it can work and it can get better! My relationship is struggling as well and working on it is something I have to remind myself to do daily!

https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Preventing-Preserving/dp/0470580569

hatroopes · May 2014

Sorry to those having issues but it's a little comforting to know we're not the only ones who struggle in our relationship. I'm not the best at communicating and tend to hold things in till they build up and I blow up over something that is seemingly trivial. The first few months after the baby were REALLY hard. I have suggested counseling but he's not open to it and doesn't think we need it but I do think it will help us learn to communicate better.

ClandestineX · May 2014

hatroopes said:

Sorry to those having issues but it's a little comforting to know we're not the only ones who struggle in our relationship. I'm not the best at communicating and tend to hold things in till they build up and I blow up over something that is seemingly trivial. The first few months after the baby were REALLY hard. I have suggested counseling but he's not open to it and doesn't think we need it but I do think it will help us learn to communicate better.

I am right there with you. About everything. I am the type to hold it in and when I do blow my lid, everything spills out and my husband is like "where does that come in to this?"

@Cece2682 - How about you make a list or something that needs to be done every day, even for the days he isn't watching him, so everyone is on the same page and he can refer to it when he doesn't know.

I know it seems like men won't get it, but even my husband.. who is caveman material... surprised me by knowing what to do in certain situations. He might be taking offense at you and snapping because it feels like you are talking -at- him about -his- son too. That was one thing I needed to change with me as well. My husband told me he felt like when I did that to him I was instructing him like it was just my son. Everyone has a certain way of doing things, he might change a bit for dinner... he might put mismatching outfits on for bedtime.. but it is a learning experience for both people.

I can guess that after searching up and down the room, he would be able to find the clothes, and if all else fails I bet he would think of something crafty for dinner that is still healthy... etc.

JSS1002 · May 2014

cece2682 said:

@ClandestineX‌ No and I get where he is coming from to a certain degree, but don't get all pissy over me telling you there is meatloaf in the fridge with steamed carrots in the blue container. Lol

Honestly, this kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier. Just let him figure it out; find his own way, his own path. He'll figure it out. Just hand him the baby, give him a kiss, and walk out the door, saying "Call me if you need anything!" Takes a lot of pressure off of you.

Regarding the sex -- no drive right now but I'm pregnant. Post pregnancy by drive didn't come back until I stopped nursing - sex was physically painful for me when I was still breastfeeding, which of course didn't really make me want it! But you've mentioned feeling lousy about your body and I know that when I'm focused on that, I am not interested in sex whatsoever.

elbou · May 2014

@cece2682, I get where you are coming from. I used to do that sort of thing to, and still do to some degree. Two nights ago, I went out with MIL & SIL for dinner, and laid out jammies for DS. There weren't any clean ones left in the drawer, so I didn't want DH grabbing dirty ones by accident. Situations like that are usually the only time I do that stuff for MH though. He's proven himself very capable, so I try to save it for babysitters now.

cece2682 said:

Well I appreciate the input, as always! I don't mean to belittle or insult him, I honestly don't. I just try to do as much as I can in preparation. But maybe this weekend when I go to work, ill back off and "let him fly" Eta: this is going to be hard on me bc I already have anxiety and feel guilty thinking about if I didn't do those things. Like I'm cheating LO or leaving hubby to flounder. I know that's not true and maybe I need to understand not everyone takes someone doing those things for them as a positive.

Perhaps it's not the fact that you do those things to help your hubby, but the way you go about telling him? For example, instead of telling him...

cece2682 said:

ClandestineX‌ No and I get where he is coming from to a certain degree, but don't get all pissy over me telling you there is meatloaf in the fridge with steamed carrots in the blue container. Lol

maybe you could just say: "I made meatloaf for LO earlier, and there's leftovers in the fridge." That way you are still helping out, so you don't feel anxious or guilty, but you're also trusting him to figure out where in the fridge the leftovers are.

One other thought: even if he forgets about the dinner you made LO, or can't find it, or decides he wants to make something different, it's not the end of the world. Plus, he will have saved you the trouble of making LO lunch the next day, which is always a win in my book!

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