Snarky Brother

ladybug0088 · May 2014

My brother is driving me crazy with snarky comments in regards to our little one.

To give some background context, he is 31, so 3 years older than me, unmarried but in a serious relationship with his girlfriend and he doesn't have any kids. This will be the first grandchild and I know my parents are both super excited and my mom is even more thrilled after learning we were expecting a girl. I'm trying to be very kind with my feelings towards my brother and his girlfriend because he is working on his doctorate and she is back in school getting another bachelor's degree so they can't afford to get engaged or get married. She has also been putting a bit more pressure on him since finding out we were pregnant--I think she has realized that she's 30 and wants kids asap too---so I'm trying to be really careful there.

After we found out we were pregnant at 4 weeks we went ahead and told my parents. My mom suffered three miscarriages before successfully having my brother and so I knew I would want her support if I had any complications. My parents said I should go ahead and tell my brother too so I did, and his first comment was, "well, it's still really early." I understood--didn't think it was exactly the right thing to say when everyone was excited, but I get it and let it go without saying something.

So then when we went to find out the baby's sex at 16 weeks he kept saying, "Let's hope it's a boy," although he knew that if it was a girl we were naming her after my grandmother who was 83 and were slightly hoping it was a girl. I just ignored his comment per usual.

I had been confiding in my mom to not obsess about the pregnancy in front of my brother and his girlfriend because I really want to be respectful of their feelings and I felt like with his snarky comments he was a little jealous. She said she finally believed it when she had a conversation on the phone with him the other day and he said, "Well, she's only like 18 weeks and it's still really early. She could trip on the cat coming down the stairs."

My first thought was WTF, who says that? My mom admitted she didn't say anything which sort of pissed me off too because I felt like that was totally inappropriate.

This weekend was miserable with it being Mother's Day. My brother and his girlfriend were in town for the weekend (they live an hour away) and my mom gave me a little gift for Mother's Day. I could just sense it was going to be a miserable weekend. He continued to just make rude comments about everything. For example, his girlfriend is helping to throw a baby shower for me in August with my cousin and my mom had mentioned it would be a luncheon at the country club and that we didn't really want games. So at lunch yesterday he starts throwing a big stink about why I don't want games at the shower and how "shouldn't I do what the hosts want to do?"

I feel like he is being really difficult for no reason and it is all culminating and I'm really starting to get pissed about it.

Any advice? I'm not sure if talking to him would help--he is a bit of a jerk sometimes, but I can't believe what a snot he is being.

ladybug0088 · May 2014

Ps. Thank you for reading and letting me vent!!!

Raesofsunshine1 · May 2014

I have two brothers and while Im not in that situation, Im close enough to them that Id probably tell him to just shut up and keep his rude comments to himself.

MrsSarahRenee · May 2014

Raesofsunshine1 said:
I have two brothers and while Im not in that situation, Im close enough to them that Id probably tell him to just shut up and keep his rude comments to himself.

I agree ^
It sounds like you have tried the ignore thing. Say something to him. Maybe he doesn't even realize he is upsetting you.

fisk2005 · May 2014

I find it hard to believe that someone making comments like that and be in a complete oblivion. But instead of assuming let's say he doesn't! I'd definitely have a talk with him one on one. Then if that isn't enough and he continues he needs to be prepared for your reaction to no longer be as passive. And be prepared for the consequences of his ignorant sarcasm.

NavyFlyer · May 2014

Sounds like he needs to put his big boy pants on. You are being so considerate of his feelings! Chalk it up to him being immature and a man and so he doesn't understand how rude his comments are, and don't let him rain on your parade! Sounds like you are surrounded with some awesome women to support you :0)

NavyFlyer · May 2014

starla487 said:

My brother would get smacked... just sayin'.

Or do that. Kick him in the nards.

Does anyone actually say nards anymore?? Is that even a word still???

Emerald27 · May 2014

I am so sorry. Those comments aren't just snarky...they're completely hurtful and awful.

I'm the kind of person who would respond to the "early" comments with something like; "You realize that this is my child, and your niece, that you're talking about. Are you hoping that I lose my baby? And wtf is wrong with you?!"

I might also be tempted to tell him that if he wants to remain a part of my life and ever meet his niece, that he should stop alluding to the possible demise of my child.

...but I'm feeling extra sensitive and pretty hot-tempered these days. Man, I'm getting pissed at your brother just sitting here responding to your post!

MrsL2B · May 2014

I don't have any siblings, but I'm pretty sure if I did and if they were acting this hostile, I wouldn't hold anything back. Your brother is coming across like a spoiled brat. He is old enough to have his shit more together than that.

JessAnnJ · May 2014

To be honest I think you should stop being sensitive to your brother and his GF. I don't see why you have to be sensitive. Maybe if they were struggling with infertility you could try to hide some of your excitement, but it's really not your problem that they are both in school and decided to put off getting married and having kids. My brother that is six years younger than me had two kids before I had my daughter. He married young and I stayed in school for a long time and started later. That's a life choice. That's not something you need to walk on egg shells for. Your brother needs to grow up.

trisharenee0316 · May 2014

Just confront him directly and matter-of-factly on his rudeness. He probably feels like he can get away with being a jerk because he says things behind your back, but also because no one has said anything yet to let him know he's being a twatwaffle. It doesn't have to be a big scene, but he should absolutely be told something like "Excuse me Brother, but I would appreciate it if you didn't make [insert comment] about my daughter. It's incredibly hurtful." I'm sure he knows he's being a jerk, but I get the feeling he won't stop unless someone just stands up to him.

archi35 · May 2014

starla487 said:

My brother would get smacked... just sayin'.

Less violent approaches include one-on-one conversations.

Agree. For me this falls into the "shape up or get out" bucket of life. As mentioned on other posts I have no problem cutting ties with toxic people so I may be more aggressive than some. However it's one thing to be a selfish sour apple, its quite another to make rude and inappropriate comments to your face. If he can't behave like an adult perhaps its going to be in your best interest to limit the amount of time you spend with him? GL - its a tough situation!

bumpuser10309732 · May 2014

I think a lot of times men act like giant asshats and they're not so much aware of the shit coming out of their mouths. I say this because I have 4 brothers and I know they very RARELY think about something before they say it. The best thing to do would be to acknowledge the rude comment as he says it, otherwise he's going to have the deniability of past comments. Then after you say something he'll probably think about he's being an asshole to you and stop. Or B he's like some of my other brothers and he just wants to throw a hissy for a while and move on. Lol either way someone say something to him. Ignoring it doesn't help you. You should get to be happy right now and shout it on the roof tops. He's just being selfish. Good luck!!

TheOtherJacobsons · May 2014

I wouldn't stand for it either. I think a heated discussion is in order. We like to have big blow outs in our family and then 5 minutes later we're good.

Liss1481 · May 2014

Emerald27 said:

I am so sorry. Those comments aren't just snarky...they're completely hurtful and awful. I'm the kind of person who would respond to the "early" comments with something like; "You realize that this is my child, and your niece, that you're talking about. Are you hoping that I lose my baby? And wtf is wrong with you?!" I might also be tempted to tell him that if he wants to remain a part of my life and ever meet his niece, that he should stop alluding to the possible demise of my child. ...but I'm feeling extra sensitive and pretty hot-tempered these days. Man, I'm getting pissed at your brother just sitting here responding to your post!

All of this! What a prick

MuffinMom14 · May 2014

@theresat858 took the words out of my mouth.

A wedding can cost whatever a marriage license costs, so. Sorry he's basically being a dick for no reason.

I wouldn't put up with it, nor would I entertain the idea of my mother putting up with it either. She should have said something when he insinuated that you could lose the baby by falling down the stairs, which is a truly awful thing to say, let alone, to say about your SISTER. I've cut family out of my life for less. I haven't been sorry. If I get no respect or kindness, I'm done dealing with you.

yella726 · May 2014

I agree with the PPs. Your pregnancy has most likely stirred up some uncomfortable/unchartered feelings for your brother and his GF and he probably has no idea how to process them. That said, you really need to talk to him and be straightforward! I'm the first person to back off out of consideration for people's situations, but he sorta broke that respect with the comments he's been making.

PS: Nards and twatwaffles FTW!

CherylB1201 · May 2014

Ugh. I think our brothers are related. With my first one, he told me I should have an abortion because he's older and wanted to have the first grandchild. Then with my second, they got pg with their first and kept telling everybody that they do not want a boy and wouldn't be happy if it was a boy, like that's all that mattered. At the same time, we found out my son would have a birth defect and it floored me that they could be so shallow when all I wanted was a healthy baby.

I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to share your pain. Here I am 13 years later and with baby #4 and I didn't tell him we are expecting or invite them to any of the exciting things we have going on. I decided that I don't have time for his negative bullshit. It's disappointing because I know he wasn't raised that way. Hopefully your brother isn't as much of an ass as mine.

ladybug0088 · May 2014

Thank you so much ladies for reading and listening to me vent and offering me advice. I will definitely be speaking to him the next time I see him in town (probably a few weeks). It has just been festering inside of me and I think it's time to let it out on him. If he won't take a good 'ole conversation then I will definitely kick him in the nards and call him a twatwaffle. LOL

CherylB1201 I can't believe your brother would say that to you about your first! I am so sorry that you and I are commiserating on what dicks our brother's are.

Kgrosskopf27 theresat858 I would normally completely agree that it is up to the hosts to plan the shower and for me to just show-up, however she asked if I wanted or didn't want anything and I said games. Apparently my brother's girlfriend was really looking forward to playing games. With that being said, my mom is the one footing the bill and my cousin is planning it, but lives 2 hours away. My brother's girlfriend is really more of an honorary hostess since she doesn't have to pay for anything, etc. so I don't feel guilty. I think it was just my brother's way of trying to stir the pot once again.

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