SIL wedding drama (rant-ish)

Soon-To-BeMrs.P · May 2014

I say "drama" but it doesn't exactly rise to that... yet. My SIL had moved from the midwest to CA a few years ago and is planning a wedding there less than two weeks after Lil Mamba is due. I have left the decision to go up to my DH with the understanding that baby and I would not be going. I explained that my mom would come up and help if he decided to go. It is a three day event, 1500 miles away (from her/our hometown and family/friends) in CA... because of our history and how long we've waited, DH does not want to go--he will be a new father and is really excited to bond with Mamba and help me out.

His mother told us a few weeks ago that the SIL will be terribly upset because they were trying to plan the wedding around our possible pregnancy. I got kind of upset by this. My SIL and her fiancee got engaged last summer, started planning a wedding without asking any questions about when we would be able to try again after our mc, dates, etc... which she didn't have to--but you can't say that you're planning around our possible pregnancy without asking those questions right?! But I bit my tongue.

So yesterday DH takes MIL out for lunch and the subject comes up again. DH explains that he is not going to go and lists the same reasons (bonding, new baby, paternity leave, etc) and MIL says that SIL was so enraged that it was HER wedding and he needed to be less selfish, didn't I have enough family that could help me out for ONLY 3 days, she could understand if the baby has problems when he's born, she is his only sibling, etc. MIL also has been talking about how she and DH will go this WHOLE te despite DH's saying out loud that he wasn't likely going. He finally looks at his mother and says that SIL is so entitled and needs to be less selfish herself. There has never been any problems between SIL and I but this has hurt my feelings. I talked with her at Christmas about how excited I was for her and her soon to be wife and how I would love to be able to Skype it... and she was fine with it then. We also had brooched the subject of DH not going then.

I am hurt that she believes her wedding 1500 miles away from her hometown and friends/family, trumps our child. We've not asked her to change the date when we found out in November that we were pregnant; she didn't volunteer. Her wedding is important. Our child coming into the world is important. I love her like my own sister and it hurts to know that with all the knowledge of our struggles, she can't see beyond her wedding. I am leaving it up to DH to deal with because it's his family but want badly to just quit his family sometimes. I know how to handle my own but the kid gloves with ILs is getting more difficult! I wish Scotch were pregnancy approved... I was WAY more patient when I was drunk.

ETA: Had to fix the format... stupid Kindle.

mamadomino · May 2014

I wish Scotch were pregnancy approved... I was WAY more patient when I was drunk.

I have no advice that's particularly helpful, but this may be the most true statement ever written!

NSAbby · May 2014

It seems like a no-win situation, either way. Hopefully everyone sees the light, and things are figured out with a minimal lasting impact. How does her fiancee feel about it? Could you all have a post-wedding celebration as a family, back home?

Soon-To-BeMrs.P · May 2014

MIL was going to plan a wedding shower for Memorial Day weekend but SIL couldn't make it work because she is low on vacation time. I don't know about after but would be totally open to that if she would come home/had vacation time. I just am sick and tired of never being able to please the ILs. Especially when it wasn't my decision to have DH stay home! But that's what they think.

shevaCC · May 2014

I'm sorry about your ILs. I think your MIL is being unreasonable particularly since your DH is a big boy and makes his own decisions. I would try your best to not worry about what they think. Unfortunately, chances are they'll probably have a lot more opinions about raising your child(ren) when the time comes that you'll have to ignore.

As for your SIL, I can understand why she's upset but don't think that changes anything for you. When you're newly engaged, everyone is telling you that your wedding day is the biggest day of your LIFE!!!!! Mostly bc many of them want your money to make the day "extra special". Whereas you've been married and realize that it's a very special day, but just 1 day. And the birth of a child that you've been waiting years for (on top of 9 months of pregnancy) and who will be a part of your family forever is that much more important. But...perspective isn't something you can give to anyone else, you just have to wait for them to acquire it.

bcbuzzafsu · May 2014

snowflake91011 said:

I'd just have your husband call your SIL directly instead of going through your MIL - she could be making the situation out to be more of an ordeal than it really is.

This.

Valancyy · May 2014

I wouldn't want my DH to got to a wedding that far away for 3 whole days right after I had a baby. You want your DH with you if at all possible during that time. He is going to be bonding with the baby, helping to take care of it, etc. It's more important that his sister's wedding day, IMO.

Plus...unless you have a scheduled induction or C-section, you won't know that the wedding will really be 2 weeks after the birth. You could still be in the hospital at the time of the wedding (depending on how long your doctor lets you go after your due date).

Your SIL and MIL just need to get over it. They need to think of it from your DH's perspective. He's not going to want to leave his newborn baby for 3 whole days, not to mention his wife who is recovering from childbirth.

caybeh · May 2014

Ugh. Sorry! I agree with others. You guys made your decision which I think is very reasonable. Like others said, you may not have had the baby or may be just getting out of the hospital. That is a very long way to go after just having a baby. YH decided he wants to be with you, which I applaud. I ditto the other poster who said DH should call his sister and talk to her instead of going through MIL.

BlckRoses · May 2014

My SIL's wedding is 3 weeks after my due date in Hawaii. It's a 5 hour flight from here. I LOVE Hawaii and I would have really enjoyed going to the wedding and getting to see all of DH's family and celebrating with them. However, I know that I may have a 3 week old and I may have a 1 week old. It's unrealistic to get on a plane. I wasn't as accommodating as you, because I basically told DH that he wasn't going to go either. He honestly never thought it was an option to go by himself, anyway.

I agree that having your DH talk to his sister directly is probably the best way to go. Bring up the Skype thing again, send a special gift basket to her the day of, celebrate with them when they come visit, there's lots of ways to show your support. I hope your family comes to realize that it was a hard choice for you and a sucky situation, but logically, you guys made the right choice.

ebp913 · May 2014

I'll be the voice of dissent here. I don't think you are being unreasonable but this is his only sister. 3 days away from a newborn is not that big of a deal. He has the baby's entire life to bond and honestly, the guy doesn't do that much at the beginning anyways. It would suck but I could never miss one of my siblings weddings for almost anything. This is a hard situation to be in and it does suck that its 2 weeks after your due date but I'd probably try to have your husband go. Also, why does he have to go for 3 days? Can't he just fly for the wedding only? Or the rehearsal dinner and wedding?

There's no great solution here but I get why the sister is upset and I get why you are upset.

Jolaine83 · May 2014

I'd have a heart to heart with your DH about it and make sure his reasons for it are his own and not for you alone. If he still wants to skip it, than it's his decision and he is a big boy. I don't think my DH would go, but he doesn't like big events alone (social anxiety) and wouldn't want to leave me. If he's staying home because he thinks you want him to, that's a different story and you don't want that hanging over your head the rest of your lives. Just make sure it's his decision and let him make sure you want him to make it for himself.

It would have sucked to have DH gone that early on BUT we could have done if if needed, especially with help. You could too if the baby is born by then AND your DH wants to go. Don't let your MIL or SIL dictate it. It needs to be his decision.

Soon-To-BeMrs.P · May 2014

I thank you ALL for your input. DH and his sister are not super close and ultimately it is his decision... not mine. I have always said I can get help while he is away. This is something that HE doesn't want to miss. We live in a small city where the options for flights are only non-refundable/ non-transferrable. He would have to travel 3-3.5 hours to an airport that had Southwestern or a like airline to have the option of getting his $700 refunded or transferred. And ultimately, HE wants to spend time with his son. But again, I thank you all!

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