STM's-is H not quite been himself?

Eastie156 · May 2014

My H is mysteriously acting like an ass lately and it's really pissing me off. I swear he was not like this with DS. He's just way less caring about my symptoms (which sucks because I'm way sicker this time around) and he's been a lot more self involved lately. We've definitely had our problems over the last year or so and are working on them, but just wondering if this is totally normal STD stuff?

lrobi13 · May 2014

Not a stm but just wanted to send hugs! And for the record in real life I am not a hugger. I hope he snaps out of it.

Eastie156 · May 2014

@Nicb13, I have, but he has no real answer for me. He says he doesn't know. I assume he's stressed, but he's been so callous about stuff in our relationship that it's frustrating (ie: forgetting our wedding anniversary last week and then wanting to play golf for 5 hours on Mother's Day weekend). It's just not like him to do both of those things. He's gone for business for a couple days, but when he comes back, I'll talk to him about it all.

Edit: I've been super nauseas, thrown up about a half dozen times and all around just felt bad this pregnancy. No tiredness to speak of, but the nausea and vomiting have left me feeling bad and not able to care for DS as well as I would've liked. I feel like H might be feeling resentful of this...

Eastie156 · May 2014

lrobi13 said:

Not a stm but just wanted to send hugs! And for the record in real life I am not a hugger. I hope he snaps out of it.

This made me LoL. Thanks!

CheesyPeas · May 2014

DH is frequently an ass and self-involved, which is nothing new, but I do feel like he's less sensitive about pregnancy stuff in general. It probably makes sense since I'm chasing around a toddler, so he probably thinks pregnancy has little impact on me this time around (and to be fair, pregnancy has been pretty kind to me this time). Whenever I am feeling particularly fatigued or something though, I can let him know and he is sensitive to that. I can tell you that there is zero understanding there about pregnancy emotions though; he was definitely better about that last time and now he's all "zero-tolerance" on me. Bastard.

Eastie156 · May 2014

CheesyPeas said:

DH is frequently an ass and self-involved, which is nothing new, but I do feel like he's less sensitive about pregnancy stuff in general. It probably makes sense since I'm chasing around a toddler, so he probably thinks pregnancy has little impact on me this time around (and to be fair, pregnancy has been pretty kind to me this time). Whenever I am feeling particularly fatigued or something though, I can let him know and he is sensitive to that. I can tell you that there is zero understanding there about pregnancy emotions though; he was definitely better about that last time and now he's all "zero-tolerance" on me. Bastard.

Ha, this is H. WTH happened between 1st pg and 2nd?! It's no more easy than the first time around... Gah.

CheesyPeas · May 2014

Eastie156 said:

CheesyPeas said:

DH is frequently an ass and self-involved, which is nothing new, but I do feel like he's less sensitive about pregnancy stuff in general. It probably makes sense since I'm chasing around a toddler, so he probably thinks pregnancy has little impact on me this time around (and to be fair, pregnancy has been pretty kind to me this time). Whenever I am feeling particularly fatigued or something though, I can let him know and he is sensitive to that. I can tell you that there is zero understanding there about pregnancy emotions though; he was definitely better about that last time and now he's all "zero-tolerance" on me. Bastard.

Ha, this is H. WTH happened between 1st pg and 2nd?! It's no more easy than the first time around... Gah.

My theory is that the first time around he was all excited to become a dad and thought I was carrying this precious little baby. And now "little precious" is a tantruming toddler who happens to have been a complete mama's boy his entire life (current stage is to tell his dad to get away about 30% of the time). So DH is probably bitter and thinking I'm just carrying another mama's boy, so I'm no longer someone to dote over.

Eastie156 · May 2014

@CheesyPeas, your theory could be correct. DS loves H in my case. He calls "Daddy" non-stop. H loves it, because until about 18 months, DS was a total momma's boy as well.

SusieBW · May 2014

I wouldn't say my DH has been "different," but he's definitely less sensitive about pregnancy stuff than he was last time. For example: I think last time, I never carried a single laundry basket up and down the stairs, while this time, I don't even think he's offered to help at all. It's like he has absolutely no sympathy for how draining pregnancy is this time. And it's like he doesn't notice that I'm struggling until I have a complete, crying breakdown over it, and then he cares for a little while, but by the next day it's back to the same.

OP, I'm sorry that your DH is off. I hope that you guys can talk about it and figure out what's on his mind. And I hope it gets better!

bennikki · May 2014

I agree, I feel DH has been very different this time around. Happy and excited, but definitely more stressed which comes out like a whiny kid to me, and ain't nobody got time for that. I think we've both been really different this pregnancy compared to last pregnancy, but we're also at completely different places this time around compared to last time (on top of having a toddler).

The first pregnancy was after nearly 4 years of TTC and IF, so we were so high on the idea of finally having this child we'd longed for, that nothing could really bring us down. Now, we've moved to a much bigger house and property, so there's more to take care of (along with a toddler who wants to make a mess every chance he can). DH's business has completely taken off. We were always comfortable before, but now we're at a stage where we're building some real wealth, and I think it's stressful to make sure we're making the right fiscal choices for our future; not to mention, some longer work hours, employee issues, equipment purchases, and so forth.

DH has also been very honest in saying, the first 10 months with DS were really hard for him, and he didn't really enjoy being a parent. DS didn't really interact beyond some playful smiles once and a while, he wasn't walking, so he needed to be carried everywhere, and he couldn't really communicate any of his needs yet, so DH was really frustrated. Now, DS wants to be outside with his dad all the time, he can ask for milk, water, or a snack if he's hungry or thirsty, he brings you a book and pats you on the lap, so you'll read to him, and he hugs and kisses you before bed time. All of these things have really helped DH bond with him and really enjoy fatherhood like he'd dreamed he would. I think the first 10 months left him feeling helpless and disenchanted with the idea of parenthood, and he's kind of stuck on having those feelings for the next 10 months with the new baby.

I remember the early days of colic, being covered in spit up, and being sleep deprived, and I worry about how I'm going to be able to do all of that with a busy toddler, but I guess I keep telling myself, I wondered how I was going to do it with one, and I just put my big girl pants on and did it, and I'm sure that's what I'll end up doing with this one.

ANGnJON · May 2014

No advice, FTM here! Just wanted to say that I hope your DH gets his head out of his ass real soon & can show you some compassion! Sorry your having to deal with him & your nausea & vomiting! Hope your feeling better very soon!

JessAnnJ · May 2014

Neither of is are as talkative about the pregnancy, but he does pretty much everything around the house because he knows pregnancy is rough on me. I think part of it may be that DH is actually less nervous than I am about becoming a family of four. I think maybe your DH is just scared and it's translating into him doing some inconsiderate things.

Eastie156 · May 2014

Thanks for all the input. It's an eye opener that it's not just DH, it's other second time Dads as well. I also wasn't thinking that's it's likely me as well that's different from the first time around. I was definitely more excited and everything seemed more "fun" the first time around. Again, thanks all.