Baby shower drama

shugirl76 · May 2014

So, I am lucky I am having three showers (family, friends, and coworkers). My first shower is scheduled for Friday after work (we are teachers ). The person who was hosting it was one of my dearest friends. She offered to throw it right away and immediately set a date.

A little background since I can't talk about it anywhere else and don't want to share her personal business with coworkers(this is part of the story). She had an affair, and her husband is filing for divorce. She called me last week to tell me they weren't going to make it and that she was putting in an offer on a house. This is after a lot of marriage counseling.

Today, she called and said that she either needed to find someone else to host it or reschedule it for another week and asked me what I wanted to do. Her offer went through and she scheduled the inspection at the same time as my shower. It really hurt my feelings and seemed odd.

So, given the choices of rescheduling when some people wouldn't be able to make it and doing it without her, I chose the second. I honesty don't know what to do. I am really hurt by this.

I have been through a divorce and know that it is depressing and the last thing you want to do is be happy or think about someone else; however, I feel like our friendship might be damaged from this. I through her baby shower, and I guess I am just really hurt.

How to handle this?

dogperson11 · May 2014

Sounds like she's a selfish person who thinks of herself. It was thoughtful of her to offer the shower in the first place, but odd to back out so soon. I understand that things come up when buying / selling a house, but when we bought our house we scheduled the inspection around our work schedules. Sounds like she chose this.

PecanSam · May 2014

Sometimes the inspection is hard to schedule. I had a hard time scheduling mine to the point that I had to have someone stand in for me, for the inspection.

Lawgrl04 · May 2014

I guess this really depends on where you live, but I think she could work it out to be at your shower if she wanted to. She's the buyer, so she can select the inspector. Presumably there is more than one inspector in town. Sounds like she is going through a lot, and you won't be able to count on her while she is in the midst of everything. I'm sorry, that puts you in an awkward position.

4PrivetDrive · May 2014

Notchotchke said:

I agree that scheduling inspections can be hard so I would assume she was given a time. As far as this affecting your friendship I think you should be supportive of her as well. Yes, you are having a baby which is a huge life event that is filled with happiness and love. She is experiencing another life event that is filled with negativity and stress (although since she was the cheater, she did bring some of it on herself). She offered to throw you a shower and when something came up she offered to still host but change the date. It's not like she backed out completely. I don't think she is being this terrible person and I think you need to let it go and support her a little as well.
This may be harsh but given the limited background info I have this is my gut reaction.
Eta: most home inspectors do it on a part time basis for extra $. They usually have full time jobs and can only do them after work hours or on weekends.

Yeah, I agree that she isn't being terrible at all. She is going through a divorce. That sucks. You are getting all upset about a FRIEND of yours who is throwing you a THIRD shower, a party that you are not entitled too, but is being done voluntarily for you.

If you ruin your friendship over this than you are the bad friend, not her.

shugirl76 · May 2014

Thanks, ladies!

I have been a very good friend to her during this whole process. I will let it go. It doesn't make it any less hurtful, but I won't hold it against her.

Having been through a divorce myself, I know how rough of a time it was, but I needed my friends more than anything, and I remember that. I would never have done that to her during that period, but that is okay.

However, I don't think I am being the bad friend here. I am hurt. Plain and simple. She is supposed to be one of my closest friends, too.

teachermommy2014 · May 2014

I would be upset too. Not an easy way to handle it, but maybe after her house closing, you could let her know that it upset you. So not totally brushing it under the rug, but addressing it later?

cutekate · May 2014

Give her the benefit of the doubt- we had a hard time scheduling our inspection and both had to take off of work. It was super nice of her to offer, regardless of what's going on in her life

Allison7 · May 2014

Personally, I can see where you are a bit upset - mostly because it is so last minute. I think had this been a friend shower or a family shower, it would have been harder because everyone has to come from all over the place, I would worry about everyone getting the message and being able to make the new date. Plus, I don't like last minute changes like that

But...this is a work shower. It should be easy for her to notify everyone you work with and change the date. So don't stress out about that.

Ultimately, this is nothing to start a huge fight over, even if it is inconvenient. There is a part of me that read this and thought that your friend made her bed and now she has to lie in in since she is the cheater. I never had problems scheduling my inspections - if someone wasn't available at a time I needed I just picked someone else - but she is going through a lot and is probably just looking to get all of this behind her. So be the bigger person and a true friend. Let her reschedule it for next week and be a shoulder to lean on.

shugirl76 · May 2014

Thank you everyone who had helpful advice instead of just calling me a bad friend. I have and continue to still be supportive of her. I've have babysat her child through every marital counseling session since January. I've always been there for her to talk whenever she needed me. I think there is always a way to say something critical in a nice way. There is no reason to be rude. Yes, I asked for advice, not insults.

Regardless, I have contacted her to let her know that although I am upset, I still appreciate her doing everything and that I'm just sorry she can't make it. We both agreed tnst rescheduling it would keep the people from
Coming.

No reason to be bitchy, ladies!

Rstar1 · May 2014

I think your friend may be embarrassed that she going through a divorce and doesnt want to mingle with others incase people ask anything personal, she has decided to bow out of your shower as a host. I dont understand why she signed up in the first place and cannot fulfill the duties as a friend. Friendships are a two way street....just because she is going through a tough time doesnt mean she cannot be happy for you. Many times in my life I gave and I gave, and now that I'm pregnant my friends are missing in action, the advice I get from others is to let it go and not have any expectations from others...best wisdom I have received so far...dont let it phase you out. You may have to let it go too, but your feelings are valid and address it later after the baby is born, dont stress yourself out now. Best of luck to you, i hope the other showers make up for this lost cause.

cashews29 · May 2014

I don't think anyone was bitchy towards you.

Rosebean · May 2014

shugirl76 said:

Thank you everyone who had helpful advice instead of just calling me a bad friend. I have and continue to still be supportive of her. I've have babysat her child through every marital counseling session since January. I've always been there for her to talk whenever she needed me. I think there is always a way to say something critical in a nice way. There is no reason to be rude. Yes, I asked for advice, not insults. Regardless, I have contacted her to let her know that although I am upset, I still appreciate her doing everything and that I'm just sorry she can't make it. We both agreed tnst rescheduling it would keep the people from Coming. No reason to be bitchy, ladies!

Good friends don't keep tally of their good deeds, then expect them in return. You still seem to be more worried about your turn out and gifts and what she's doing or not doing for you. Still seems selfish IMO. I hope you do a lot of learning and growing as a person from all this. Your friend is going through a lot right now...and you... You're on your third shower. Whoop-dee-woo.

shugirl76 · May 2014

Okay, thanks for the suggestions. I'm not concerned with gifts. I want to see my work friends who wouldn't be able to celebrate if the date was changed.

I'm not selfish. I threw her a shower when I was going through a divorce. It's not about tit-for-tat, but about being able to be happy for someone when you are not.

Like I said, we have worked it out.

I appreciate all the replies, even the ones that were totally rude.

shugirl76 · May 2014

Also, i have grown a lot from my life experiences. People have no idea what my life is like or who I am, and I try to remember that on a forum. It doesn't matter if someone agrees with my perspective. I just think we should be here to support each other, not make assumptions about character.

I might be being a little selfish. I let her know that too. But, seriously, let us just be nice to each other.

Nuclearcupcake · May 2014

I don't see any rudeness.

shugirl76 · May 2014

Okay. I see your point.

Sorry!

FrodaBaggins · May 2014

First of all, I agree that no one was really rude to you. It is just sometimes hard to see the other side of things when you're in the middle of feeling hurt and a few people were blunt. If this was your only baby shower, I could see being hurt. Otherwise life is just too short to make this a big deal, especially given what she's going through (which you said yourself you can relate to!) And trust me, even if people can't come because of the date change, they will still give you gifts and well wishes and be thinking the best for you. For me it would be more important to still do it with this particular friend because she was the one who put it all together and had to change the plans for something really important in her life.

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