MIL

Lindss1209 · May 2014

I'm really having a hard time when MIL Comes overdue a couple reasons. First...she immediately wants to take the baby. I see where some might think that's the helpful thing to do - to give me a break, but I feel like he's so young right now... We're just starting to figure each other out, and I want that bonding time with him because I waited so long for this. 2 - she calls him "her baby". Umm I'm pretty sure I carried him for 9 months. And 3 - when she holds him and he's asleep she will wake him up. For example, last night I nursed and burped him and he fell asleep in my shoulder. She wanted to take him...she had him no longer than 10 minutes and he was awake. He does a lot if stretching in his sleep and when he does, she takes it as squirming so she sits him up or changes his position and begins talking to him to wake him up. Then he's fussy because he's frustrated that he was woken up and she continues to talk to him and stimulate him so he can't get back to sleep which makes him even more fussy. It gets me so agitated and on edge because i can read his cues and know what he wants, that by the time she leaves I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.

I feel like with my own mother, I would just say "stop doing that and let him sleep" or "just let him lay still" and she'd listen and be fine, but I feel too uncomfortable to say anything to MIL because she might not be as easy going as my mom. I also feel strange saying something to DH about his mom.
I don't know if I'm just hormonal or what but its really hard!
Does anyone else feel a similar way?
I guess if you look at it from an instinctual standpoint, I'm just "protecting my young" because when he's upset, I just want to fix it, but she wants to hold him the whole time. And I can only steal him away so many times with the excuse "ok, he's hungry..I better go nurse him". Just not sure how to approach this...

KatieGummow · May 2014

I'm so sorry. My in laws are sometimes like that where they will offer to take the baby I am holding a million times. I just keep saying, "that's ok, I don't want him to wake."

Lindss1209 · May 2014

Good way to respond without sounding snotty. I'll try that... Being a FTM, I'm kinda new to how to handle these situations.

homediva · May 2014

Ugh. Having kids just makes inlaws get crazier.

strawberrytree · May 2014

I'm sorry, that sounds super annoying. I do think you need to say something either to her or DH, because right now she doesn't know she's pissing you off. Let her know that it's not helpful to take the baby and wake him up (yeah, it should be common sense, but common sense is apparently not common) and maybe suggest something else she could do to help. You could try cutting back on visits too, so at least she bothers you less frequently.

As far as 'my baby' goes...when my mom did that, I'd answer with how I was doing. She laughed and caught on pretty quickly. If MIL asks about her baby, you answer how DH is doing. If she has a sense of humour she should get it. It might not bother everyone, but if it bothers you you're within your Riggs to ask her to stop.

LaNorte · May 2014

mummyofsix said:

When the IL's are here and DH is home I just leave with the baby. Not at all in a rude or confrontational way, just "Well, I think we are going to go upstairs to breastfeed and have a good nap".

I tried this on my MIL, she followed me into the nursery! I told her I'd like some privacy (which is true - it's not so much that I mind feeding in front of people, it's that sometimes DS takes a while to latch and it gets frustrating, so I prefer to do it alone) and she said "oh it's okay, we're both moms here!" I had to actually say the words - I need you to go away - or else she wasn't going away. That was a fun visit.

*sparky* · May 2014

@LaNorte‌ - wow, that is super crazy. Good for you for handling it the way you did.

To the OP, if she is coming over a lot you need to say something to her. As the PPs said, I'd let the"my baby" thing go, but you definitely don't want her waking the baby up all the time. That may also limit the times she is taking the baby as soon as she comes over, solving two problems at once! If you really don't think you can say anything to her, them only let her come over when DH is home and have him say something to her.

Roufi · May 2014

That's really frustrating and if you don't feel comfortable saying something - though you should try politely asking her not to wake him - you should definitely get DH to back you up.
Yesterday I was at my mom's for lunch, had fed LO timed to have about half an hour for me to eat lunch w fam. He was sleeping and because he made (normal) sleep noises she picked him up and starts walking around, talking to him...

I had to tell her about 5 times to PUT HIM DOWN AND LET HIM SLEEP. I don't care that you had four children, this one's mine, I know his cues, and I want to have time to eat thanks.

lcr23 · May 2014

I've learned since having this baby to speak my mind. It's hard if it's not normally something you would do but this is your baby. There's no point in you being uncomfortable just find a nice way to say it.

Dixon813 · May 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but as others have said, said boundaries sooner rather than later.

(This makes me realize how fortunate I am with my family and in laws... They all wait until we ASK if they want to hold DS)

Lindss1209 · May 2014

@Dixon813‌, that how my family is.. I love it! Makes it so easy. When you're ready to give him up, you offer! MIL on the other hand is not like that.

Xxlilies · May 2014

Ugh . I'm sorry . My MIL is the same way. Picks him up constantly and thinks every little sound or movement means hes awake and she grabs him. drives me insane.

i had my husband say something but to be honest my MIL didnt really listen

Kyllarae · May 2014

I always scream at my mom in my head but never get up the courage to actually say something to her either. She comes over almost everyday after she gets off work and as soon as she walks in the door she goes "Ok I'm going to take her now" and grabs her while I stare baffled by her rudeness. It pisses me off so much that she never asks but I try to let it go because she's only here for an hour or two at most. Sometimes I say no because the baby is sleeping and then she says I'm hogging her and that I have her all day and it's not fair. It's perfectly fair. She's my baby and this is my house and I don't need her screaming just so you can get your "fix". Yesterday her boyfriend was holding Eden and she started getting sleepy so I hinted that I wanted her back and he said he was going to go outside and take her on a walk to stimulate her and wake her up a bit. No. If she's sleepy let her sleep. And then when she is sleeping and she makes even the slightest noise or move they both whip their heads around so fast and say "HI BABYGIRL" like right in her face and they punch her legs and feet to get her to wake and ugh I want to punch them every time.

I'm sorry I have no advice but I can definitely sympathize. I hope you can talk to them soon and you can start to enjoy visits!

bootsiebabe · May 2014

We have made it clear that nap times are to be respected because we have to deal with the aftermath of others over stimulating the baby. If you want to help, get him to sleep! We basically said just that in a nice way and it really helped.

Yogini6911 · May 2014

I had to finally speak up to MIL because she was not respecting the nursing on demand style that we are following by saying "he doesn't need to nurse again." Then one time my hormones were raging because he was cluster feeding (it was evening) and I said that he is cluster feeding and this is a good sign that he will hopefully sleep for an extended period of time that night. She seemed to understand because DH had been complaining that DS hadn't been sleeping for long stretches (& anytime that DH complains about anything she tries to fix it...even if he is 34yrs old and a grown man).

MIL still insists that she is helping by holding him even when he's crying but now I have no problem with taking him back to feed him, change a diaper, or soothe him. She will still say "are you going to take him from me?" But now I ignore the comment and just do what's best for my son.

I complain to my mom about her all of the time (they have known each other for 30+yrs) and my mom thinks that she is ridiculous most of the time but such is life.

nebrasskagal · May 2014

With twins I have lots of "helpers". I find that if I tell them my expectation when I hand them a baby they do well. Example: yes, it would be helpful if you held him and got him soundly asleep. He likes to stretch as he falls asleep. This way the helper knows what his usual pattern is and that he should be sleeping.

Most conflict is the result if unmet expectations. I find that if I nicely relay my expectations life is easier for me.

HNRomance · May 2014

um if you don't live with her then just don't let her visit for a while until you are ready to tackle the conversation about her not interfering with his schedule. It's perfectly alright to let her know you and your LO need some one-on-one time. Boundaries my friend, boundaries.

AcaAwkward · May 2014

Speak up!!! It's not rude to nicely say "he hasn't slept in a while so I'd really like him to stay asleep; I'll hand him off the minute he wakes up so you can hold him!" Or... "You're welcome to snuggle him, but if he fidgets, that's just his normal sleep pattern; please don't wake him up by shifting him around!"

You also really need to be able to let your DH know if you need him to run interference. Again, you don't have to be rude about it ("ugggg your mom is SO obnoxious!"); you can say something like "would you mind helping me out when your mom is here by letting her know that DS really needs to nap? Sometimes I feel like she unnecessarily wakes him up and I feel like she might take instruction better from you! I don't want her to think I'm griping at her!"

BiggerinRealLife · May 2014

This is me, but with my mom. And it caught me very off guard because normally my mom is awesome. She's considerate and respectful, but DH and I have commented often that te baby is like a drug for her. Her brain just shuts down to everything but the baby, and I really think she can't help herself. I'm planning on talking to my mom next time she's over as soon as she comes in and asks to hold her (first words out of her mouth, always) and being VERY CLEAR about not waking the baby before she holds her. I'm hoping that will help her hear me, as she really doesn't when she's holding Josie.

I really like all the advice on here about cluing in people to er sleep patterns. It don't occur to me that she may really not know that babies stretch and stir in their sleep and when all she wants is to see her granddaughter's eyes sees it as a great time to wake her.

I agree with most on here though, someone's got to say something. If my resentment is any indicator, I wouldn't want that festering for long. I can only imagine it would be worse with you MIL. Talk to her, or have your husband do it. It can be done in a loving way. "Mom, I know you're excited an you want to help with the baby, but I need to talk to you about why it's important to let her sleep..."

Lindss1209 · May 2014

Great advice everyone. I'm the OP and appreciate all your advice and will be trying everything because you're right, I'm almost becoming resentful and I can't enjoy her visits. Thanks again!!!

MadBloom · May 2014

I know what you mean by not being able to tell your MIL not to do something. I can tell my mom to screw off and she won't take it personally but with my MIL it would break her heart. DH can tell her how it is and she listens but she's so emotional that I feel like she would cry if I had to lay down the law. I just get DH to deal with his mom and it works for us. I'm also not afraid to tell DH how I feel about his mom haha. She's a little ridiculous sometimes!

MissWhis · May 2014

@BiggerinRealLife‌ - our moms sound like the same person! It totally caught me off guard as well. She claims she doesn't even realize she's waking the baby - she just can't help herself from poking and prodding her, adjusting her clothes, examining her (admittedly adorable) baby feet and ears all while saying "HIIIIII WINNIE!!!! IT'S YOUR GRANDMA!" in what feels to me like an unnecessarily loud voice. Then baby wakes up my mom is all happy about it. She even had the audacity to say that since she is full term now and has grown so much she doesn't need to worry about letting her sleep. WTF??

I seethed about it for like three days after the last incident but I nipped it in the bug before I even handed her the baby the next time. I could tell it was difficult for her to snuggle the baby quietly, but she managed to restrain herself (with a few reminders to stop bugging the baby) and we all left happy.

But WHO THE EFF needs to be told NOT TO WAKE A SLEEPING BABY? So bananas.

Teresa1896 · May 2014

I don't blame people for wanting to hold LO when he's sleeping, since it's the only time he's not screaming. But I have no problem telling my mil, "this is the first time he's fallen asleep all day; if you wake him, I'll kill you in your sleep."

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