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Today I Held a Baby

GymSpaz26GymSpaz26 member
edited May 2014 in Late Term and Child Loss
Today I visited a very close friend and her four day old daughter. It was so very hard to get myself there (a good friend and mentor went with me). But she is a dear, dear friend and in a way it has been healing for me to walk with her through her pregnancy (her third daughter) as I have been grieving my son. It probably doesn't make a lot of sense. But I guess maybe it has been hope for me. 

This dear friend lost her first baby around 15 weeks, and her third at about 8 weeks. She now has a 4 year old, a 2 year old and the new baby. This is a new friend who I was just getting to know through a mom's group a couple weeks before losing my boy. She has reached out to me and loved me, encouraged me, cried with me and for me, and walked beside me. Her experience and her friendship have been huge in my healing process. And it was a choice at first, not letting the fact that she was pregnant get in the way. And now that she has her beautiful new daughter, I am choosing to not let that get in the way. And she is a safe, loving person who understands and is there if I want to laugh or if I want to blubber and cry.

So today I held a baby for the first time since my son passed away in my arms six months ago. I held a beautiful baby girl who was the same age today as my son was the day he died. A baby girl who was almost exactly the same size at birth as my boy. I held her and she slept in my arms for close to an hour. And it was so beautiful. I don't know how to explain it, but it was a precious gift. 

I started sobbing as I walked through the door to my house this evening, and continue to cry as I write this because my emotions were just so overwhelmed today. But I am so glad that I didn't let my fear get in the way. I am so glad that God put this precious friend in my life. And I am so glad that I got to meet this little girl and hold her, today.
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/lCl5m7.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>
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Re: Today I Held a Baby

  • jonahsmajonahsma member
    That's great! This baby will help you in ways you would never imagine. My nephew was born a month before I lost Emily and he has been such a blessing to me and has helped in healing my heart. ((Hugs,))
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  • BgirmaBgirma member
    I have tears in my eyes reading your story! I feel very similarly about holding my godson who was born on the same day as our son. You've reminded me of how blessed I am to have such an amazing friend and what a gift that is. Thank you for sharing your story. ((Hugs))
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  • lexusolsenlexusolsen member
    Thank you for sharing. My goddaughter was born yesterday, six weeks before my son's due date. I'm inspired by your strength. I know it will be hard to be a part of her life but I'm not willing to let my grief ruin her for me. I hope you find peace today.
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  • ikrystalikrystal member
    edited May 2014
    Thank you for posting this. I have so many mixed emotions about holding other babies - I haven't done it yet.  You are so strong.  I think if you can do it, then maybe I can too. 
    Fish Bite Moonbeams:Blog on infant loss and infertility


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  • Jellybean71514Jellybean71514 member
    edited May 2014
    Your post got me to tears and I am so very happy you are in a place like this to help heal- I am not there yet and cant bring myself to even engage with babies but know in time I will cross that path towards my own healing xo
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  • stefugestefuge member
    Thank you for sharing this - I have not been able to be so brave, and stubbornly want the next newborn I hold to be my own, but I love hearing your hope and healing.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
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  • GymSpaz26GymSpaz26 member
    I wasn't so sure for a long time about wanting to hold another baby. My husband has decided that he doesn't want to hold another baby until he can hold his own. But as I spent time with my friend I guess I just realized and knew that I was going to hold her baby. I think I realized a couple months ago and had been preparing myself for it.

    I'm so glad I did, because it felt so good, so beautiful. But also because I realized as I held her that I was so conscious of her breathing and constantly had my hand where I could feel her breathing. My son stopped breathing in his sleep, in my arms for no apparent reason. I realized as I held Anastasia and had a couple moments of panic because I couldn't feel her breathing, that I think it will be helpful to me to hold her more as she grows. I know I won't get over my fear completely, but hopefully it will help take away just a little bit of the anxiety and the panic reflex. 
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/lCl5m7.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>
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