Seriously hurtful FIL comment or I'm overreacting?

last14real · May 2014

So FIL is sarcastic, that's just his personality, most of the time I just let his comments roll off but sometimes they hurt. Things like "women's work" and me "nagging" my DH all the time. In his defense I do nag DH quite a bit, but in my defense DH is seriously scatterbrained. When we are at his parents house it's like he can't see our son making a mess, crying he wants a drink needs to potty ect... So I interrupt them to say "hey can you take care of DS" usually bc I'm helping clean up after dinner or caring for dd otherwise I do it myself. So anyway I already feel like FIL doesn't like me and this week made it worse. He texted DH Tuesday night asking if we can do dinner Saturday for mil bday and what time works. We had already committed to watching my sisters 3 kids, plus we have our two. DH said maybe they would want to meet at like 4 so we could all be there, I told him if not no biggie I will watch the kids. I didn't want to upset his mom. Also they had mentioned no plans for Mother's Day. So wed morning DH texts back telling if they go early we can all go if not it will just be him, also he asked if they still wanted to do dinner Sunday bc they were all getting together Saturday night. The response he got was "we are doing dinner, red lobster at 6:30. Also yes WE will be celebrating Sunday and you need to remember it's Mother's Day not
wives day". First off what the heck dude I'm a mother too. Second what is your problem? I'm sorry I can't do dinner sat but my sis asked a week before you did. No early dinner?You had no problem doing early dinner when your daughter had a softball game, but I'm not
worth it? I was even nice and told DH he should go while I babysat how am I the bad guy? Also never said we didn't want to come over sun we just didn't know the plan. I feel like being a major b and saying your right FIL it is Mother's Day so DH will be there Sunday but not me and my kids. Mil is his mom but I am my kids mom so we should be celebrating on our own so as not to make mil's Mother's Day about her sons wife... That's what I want to say not that I really would, don't want to make dh's life rougher. It is seriously weighing on me though:( am I crazy to be so upset?

KEfam5 · May 2014

I don't think you are overreacting. That is incredibly rude and you and your kids are your DH's family now. Fast forwarding 20 ish years, I'm not going to expect my kids to drop everything to spend Mother's Day with me. A call, yes. Maybe a card (or a nice gift if they are feeling generous

Plus with your MIl's b-day so close to Mothers Day, it isn't insane to roll them into one celebration. Is your FIL"s mother still alive? If so, he better kick his wife to the curb and spend the day with her according to his logic. Your FIL needs to get over himself IMO. His wife isn't the only mother in the world.

Deblondie1 · May 2014

Your FIL is a douche.

BEAUNAL · May 2014

I agree with everyone. It's one thing to make a comment here or there which is still rude but his text has crossed over the boundaries of being respectful to who you are to his son. In my honest opinion your DH needs to use this situation to check his father, for lack of a better term.
Also...I'm sorry this is happening because family drama is stressful.

peanutmuse · May 2014

Your FIL is a jackass and if your husband doesn't stand up to him for that comment about Mother's Day, your husband is either a coward or a jackass too. You are the goddam mother of that man's grandchildren.

This would SO not fly in my house.

Lena122 · May 2014

I'd be livid. And my kids sure as heck would NOT being going to their house on Mother's Day.

sugarland726 · May 2014

Totally not overreacting.

kiki1978 · May 2014

What a jackass. I hope your DH gave him the what for.

nolagal79 · May 2014

What an asshat! You're not overreacting at all. I'm curious to know what your husbands response was to all of this. Anything short of putting FIL in his place is unacceptable - you are the mother of his kids and the mother of fil's grandkids. My husbands head would roll if he didn't stand up for me.

tootsscott · May 2014

Yeah that's not cool. Even if he is a sarcastic guy, the "it's not wives day" is crossing the line. You're not a house wife, you're a mother!

MiaMyPuggle · May 2014

I know you should respect your elders, blah blah blah....however, do NOT be a doormat for his bullshit. Seems like you've taken a lot over the years and he will continue to do so....tell him it's not the Donna Reed era any longer...women's suffrage and shit.

We have a vote now, so learn to respect your DIL. She's the mother to your grandchildren. Once a man marries, he should be devoted to his wife. Mommy had him for many many years and she was #1 for that long. H needs to make YOU feel special first and foremost.

RedSaffron · May 2014

Your FIL is a douche canoe. I rather spend my precious time with the kids than eating at red lobster with him. I hope YH can back you up and tell him straight that his comments were rude and obnoxious..

Siblynika · May 2014

What a frikkin ass wagon. You're not just a wife, you're the mother of his grandbabies and he should show a little more common decency.

MamaP19 · May 2014

I can sympathize with having an insensitive FIL. I usually let dumb comments go, but when it is truly offensive I definitely expect MH to set him straight. That comment is totally uncalled for and I hope YH tells him so. Do you think it might have been brought on by your MIL though? Is she the type to get offended by you not rearranging your plans and then complain to FIL? Or is FIL just a huge jerk? (I have experience with both).

Rebis58 · May 2014

What a jerk - you're definitely not overreacting. I don't really have specific, constructive advice because I've never experienced being treated this way by an in-law but I would definitely expect H to stand up for me. I likely would not go to the dinner with my kids. I do understand wanting to keep the peace by just going for dinner, but also think if you and your H don't speak up at some point, FIL will continue to treat you this way forever.

ETA: I think it has to be your H to say something, because based on your description of your FIL it sounds like he'll just think you're being a nag and won't take you seriously

bee1916 · May 2014

What a terrible comment! Be sarcastic all you want, whatever, but there's a difference between sarcasm and animosity! Like you don't deserve to be recognized for being a good wife and good mother??? Shame on him.

pinkyxboo · May 2014

Wow I am mad FOR you. How inconsiderate and selfish. Dislike.

kiki1978 · May 2014

@junglebaby11 what happened? Did your DH tell him off? Happy MOTHER'S Day to you!!

last14real · May 2014

Hi ladies I apologize for not responding sooner have had a lot going on since I posted. One of which really helped my emotional state my mom came back yesterday!! We are very close and she works with the Red Cross on disaster relief. She was deployed to Baxter springs ks to help with tornado relief. She was supposed to be back next week but got to come home early:) when she's on these trips she is so busy she doesn't have time to herself she is always taking care of others, so we try not to trouble her with anything at home. So anyway her coming home early was awesome bc we love and miss her but also bc she talked through this issue with me and I feel a lot better. I know a lot of your probably wanted to see heads roll and while the ornery side of me would agree the logical side won out. I do appreciate all your passionate posts in my defense, you are great woman to have in my corner. That being said here is the current status of where I am on the issue. I talked it through with my SIL, DH, mom and dad all on seperste occasions. All made good points and gave me a lot to think about. The general consensus was that it was rude, hurtful, uncalled for but was it enough to cause a possible rift between DH and his dad? One really good point my dad made was that people say rude things to each other all the time, it's whether or not the receiver decides to overthink it. He asked me if i really thought FIL thinks I am not a mom or a bad mom. The answer to that is no, in my heart I know he knows I love and take amazing care of my kids. He has never once made snarky comments about me not doing something for them or saying they lack anything. His comments mainly center around my "nagging" and "allowing" my husband
to do things. I think the majority of my hurt stemmed from years of random little comments about my attitude or how I nag DH. It truly feels sometimes like he does not like me as a person. That is what is so hard for me bc I try so hard to accommodate their family and he doesn't see it. Fil doesn't see that my DH forgets family functions and random stuff but I remember everything. I plan for them, I make sure DH requests off work, I cook, I shop for birthdays and Christmas, I send his grandma who lives out of state Christmas presents and pics of the kids so she feels included. While DH was deployed for 9 months I talked to his mother weekly and let them visit or took the our DS to her at least every two weeks if not every week. I have just tried so hard with his family it hurts that I feel like FIL values me so little. That being said he is a hard man he is excop and currently military he had a rough time growing up and maybe he just does not understand that his words have the power to hurt others. I'm not saying that makes his words ok, it doesn't but also everyone has said things they later regret. DH and I discussed this for hours and while I know Most of this is FIL issues not mine we also agree you can't change other people only yourselves. So we are actively going to try to work on our behaviors so that we don't give FIL so much ammunition for his comments. Nothing major just things like DH said he will try harder to do more with the kids so that I don't have to ask. He apologized numerous times and says he realizes that he could have helped the situation by being more proactive. If DH will step up and then I don't have to ask hopefully it will help with FIL view of me nagging and possibly emasculating his son. In turn I will need to work on my own snarkiness towards DH in front of FIL, bc I do get pissy when I feel like DH isn't helping with the kids. I hope this will let FIL see how great his son and I are together and maybe improve our relationship. I don't feel like this solution makes me a doormat, I think it's the mature way to progress. I am chalking the rude Mother's Day comment up to something stupid he said in what he felt was defense of his wife. Not necessarily directed at me bc he did say it to DS, so more that he was pissed at DS for what he saw as DS possibly not seeing his mom on actual mothers day. I will also say that FIL messaged me this morning saying happy Mother's Day and said he hoped I had a great day, which was nice of him. So I'm hoping that through dh's and my efforts we can change his incorrect perceptions and move forward. Only time will tell.

last14real · May 2014

Oh and happy Mother's Day to all of you as well!!!

ChuggingWater · May 2014

I'm glad to see you guys talked it through!

last14real · May 2014

Thanks @ChuggingWater‌

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