I'm trying to find a home that fits

O2girl · May 2014

Having spent soooooo freaking long over on IF I finally got my BFP and headed over to PAIF. I lost both my babies over the last 3 weeks but I'm moving on to FET #3 pretty quickly. Anyway just dipping my toes in EVERYWHERE .... I hope nobody minds

RunCC37 · May 2014

Hey O2, sorry about your losses. After my BFN in April, I was also searching for a place that fits. I think when you're in this much pain, nothing feels good. But this board has been very welcoming and supportive. I hope in time you find healing.

O2girl · May 2014

Oh Run I'm sorry about your BFN! It's not fair at all. Are you trying again?

RunCC37 · May 2014

It really isn't fair... I don't know what we're doing. I'm waiting to hear back from the reproductive immunologist. We sent our packet to Dr. KK and should hear from her this week. Hopefully we'll get an appointment in August (last I heard, she was booked through July). I don't know if that's going to turn into anything or if it will be a dead end. We are also researching donor eggs... I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea. I'm just ready for something that will work. This is all so exhausting.

O2girl · May 2014

Oh sweetie I'm sorry. It is all so exhausting. It is all a tremendous amount to wrap your head around. I'm crossing everything for you that Dr. KK is the answer for you and YH!

Km672 · May 2014

So very sorry for all you have been through

O2girl · May 2014

Km672 said:
So very sorry for all you have been through

Thank you sweetie. I am sorry for all your struggles too.

Xo

hmz819 · May 2014

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

One of the "rules" to join this board is that you must not join during a cycle. I saw you just posted on the IF board you are starting an FET cycle soon.

We have this because as you know from IF the drive by BFP posts are hard to see day in and day out.

I'll let other ladies join in and see what they think but I don't think it's fair that a recent intro poster was told they had to be active for 6 mos or more on IF and not actively cycling to join.

O2girl · May 2014

I'm not actively cycling. I just miscarried a week and a half ago. I was also active on IF for Almost a year. My cycles are never cut and dry. I had to wait 4 months in between my previous cycle and this cycle. I've seen BFPs mentioned on this board. I'm merely trying to find a board since I'm in a weird limbo place. But shit if you want to limit joining I guess that's that even if I feel it is kind of rude..... Considering all my variables. I'm jumping back in but that doesn't mean cycling for me right away. I have a condition that may need treatment for 3 months again. My RE just said that we can start planning. My fx that I don't have to wait too long and I'm trying to be optimistic....But holy shit I've never had someone on any board make me feel unwelcome..... Until now

liz4paws · May 2014

O2girl said:

I'm not actively cycling. I just miscarried a week and a half ago. I was also active on IF for Almost a year. My cycles are never cut and dry. I had to wait 4 months in between my previous cycle and this cycle. I've seen BFPs mentioned on this board. I'm merely trying to find a board since I'm in a weird limbo place. But shit if you want to limit joining I guess that's that even if I feel it is kind of rude..... Considering all my variables. I'm jumping back in but that doesn't mean cycling for me right away. I have a condition that may need treatment for 3 months again. My RE just said that we can start planning. My fx that I don't have to wait too long and I'm trying to be optimistic....But holy shit I've never had someone on any board make me feel unwelcome..... Until now

First off, I am SO very sorry for your loss. I saw your posts on PAIF and I was, and still am, just beyond heartbroken for you. IF and loss is pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You don't deserve it. I am sorry.

Please don't be upset with HMZ. She is stating the rules of this board, and she is correct. We ask that you have at least 6 mos active history on the IF boards and also not be mid cycle or about to cycle. If you're not mid cycle or about to cycle, then you fit this criteria and you ARE welcome here. She didn't make the rules, but she is just stating them in the event you do fall into any criteria that might prevent you from being here. I've had to state the rules to ladies wanting to join here before and it's hard to do, but it must be done to protect everyone here. If/when you are here, you'll appreciate this rule yourself.

These ladies have been to hell and back (and I know you have too) and it hurts like hell to see women just stop by to have a BFP and leave. I'm sure you know how bad that hurts because it happens on IF all the time (and of course this is not a rule there.) That is why this is a 'safer place.' It's because of these rules.

So again, to reiterate, if it is true you are not cycling for a few months and have a 6+ mos history on the IF board, this IS the place for you. But if you are about to cycling right away, then it's best you wait and I hope and pray you won't ever even need to be here because you'll have a sticky pregnancy.

O2girl · May 2014

Frankly I feel like it is a bit rude. I've never been a "drive-by".... Although I certainly wish that I had that fortune. Additionally, I've never been snarky nor unwelcoming. HMZ post was offensive and seeing as I'm in a perpetual state of limbo I guess I don't belong here either. As though IF is easy for me.... It's not and my heart has been breaking throughout my journey........ But hey I guess I don't qualify so I won't stay.

I appreciate rules but I felt and feel that I fall within them and I others don't feel that way then there are less hurtful ways of stating that.

As for a sticky pregnancy.... We will see if I can actually carry one since that is my issue.

Best wishes to all
And sorry for the intrusion

liz4paws · May 2014

O2girl said:

Frankly I feel like it is a bit rude. I've never been a "drive-by".... Although I certainly wish that I had that fortune. Additionally, I've never been snarky nor unwelcoming. HMZ post was offensive and seeing as I'm in a perpetual state of limbo I guess I don't belong here either. As though IF is easy for me.... It's not and my heart has been breaking throughout my journey........ But hey I guess I don't qualify so I won't stay. I appreciate rules but I felt and feel that I fall within them and I others don't feel that way then there are less hurtful ways of stating that. As for a sticky pregnancy.... We will see if I can actually carry one since that is my issue. Best wishes to all And sorry for the intrusion

I'll respectfully disagree. HMZ wasn't rude, snarky, or unwelcoming. She stated the rules and was pointing out your post on IF that states you are gearing up to cycle quickly, which is against the rules. I totally get why she pointed that out, and if she hadn't one of us would have been forced to. Please try to see it from the perspective of this community and understand the rules are there for a very good reason. I wish you lots of luck with your upcoming cycle.

PurpleIris30 · May 2014

I mentioned the same rule in IFinTN's intro post. It's good to apply the same rules to everyone, so don't be hurt or take it personally that hmz mentioned it. And it sounds like you are not actively cycling, so you are not being asked to wait to start posting.

hmz819 · May 2014

@liz4paws‌ thanks for explaining better than I did. @O2girl‌ my intention was not to make you feel unwelcome or be rude. I was just letting you know what others have been told when they have intro'd. As far as cycling I was pointing out in this post https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12339437/i-m-back-in#latest you state your RE doesn't see why you can't do an FET cycle at the end of the month. As Liz explained (better than I did) we ask that you wait until that cycle is over to intro here. Hopefully you will not need us. If something changes and your FET is postponed then by all means feel free to post.

Mrs.McIrish · May 2014

O2Girl-- please don't be mad or think people are being mean. We established rules that have to be equally applies. No one is saying you aren't welcome!! We are all sad for your twin loss and know how hard it is to stay on IF when everyone else seems to move on. Sadly, when someone "joins" this board, they stay for a long time-- not a few months. Sadly it's more like years. That's why we instituted the "not about to cycle" rule -- bc people were coming here and then getting a BFP 3weeks later. You are welcome here as long as your FET isn't in a few weeks. I hope you can understand and not take it personally. Giving hugs even if you're mad at this board.

O2girl · May 2014

Mrs.McIrish said:
O2Girl-- please don't be mad or think people are being mean. We established rules that have to be equally applies. No one is saying you aren't welcome!! We are all sad for your twin loss and know how hard it is to stay on IF when everyone else seems to move on. Sadly, when someone "joins" this board, they stay for a long time-- not a few months. Sadly it's more like years. That's why we instituted the "not about to cycle" rule -- bc people were coming here and then getting a BFP 3weeks later. You are welcome here as long as your FET isn't in a few weeks. I hope you can understand and not take it personally.

Giving hugs even if you're mad at this board.

I respect what everyone has said. It doesn't make me angry, it hurts. I'm not some fly-by IF. I spent nearly a year on IF and while I got one BFP, it wasn't as though I was successful. I had a horrific 9 weeks that began a week after my BFP. I've heard from my RE that I may not be able to carry a child. Is it possible that the next cycle I manage to have a success? Yes of course it is..... So is it for everyone else. I literally spent the first cycle I did excited....then for the next cycle I was on pins and needles..... Now I don't know where I belong, and it seemed that this board was the best fit as I have been through and I'm still suffering from IF with no light at the end of my tunnel. My journey hasn't been easy either.... Even with one BFP. I didn't come on here being intrusive I came here because I felt that the ladies on here could relate and vice versa. I've never been a drive-by poster and frankly I don't believe I will ever be successful. But I'm not here to argue. In reality I have received enormous support from most of the women on this board.... Which is why I'm perplexed as to why I suddenly "don't meet criteria" because I posted that I may get to cycle at the end of the month.... But also said that my RE might want to change things up since obviously NOTHING has been "successful" for me.

It really just makes me sad considering how active I have been to be pushed aside for "possibly" getting to cycle at the end of this month.... Which for me could be another 3-6 months on Lupron to try and suppress my adeno. But I get it. I won't bother you ladies. Like I said before, best wishes to all and sorry for the intrusion.

RunCC37 · May 2014

Awww, O2, I'm sorry you feel hurt, but I really think that HMZ was simply pointing out the board etiquette. I think we all agree that we sincerely hope that you WILL get to move along ASAP and that we're all truly sorry for your losses. I'm sorry that your process takes three months to prep - that is a long time to wait. I can't imagine suffering through the pain of a miscarriage... In all of our cycles - 4 IUIs, 3 IVF ERs, and 2 ETs - we have never gotten close to achieving a pregnancy... but I can say that I know that hopeless feeling and the darkness that taunts me with thoughts that this is never going to work. It's horrible. I can't bear to be on the IF board these days when I don't have the foggiest clue how we're going to move forward.

Just today, we had a consultation with the donor egg team at my former clinic. I know I'm not ready for this step quite yet, but I wanted to go find out about the program and gather some information. The match coordinator was pretty awesome, and I told her how we weren't ready to start the process officially. She told me that only I would know when and if we were ready to go down that path, but until then I should set a date, think about it some more, try on our own or with IUIs to give my eggs a final shot, and hopefully that would work. She said, "I hope I never see you again," and it was the best thing to hear her say. She was trying to say that she has our best interest in mind... that the ED program is there for us if and when we decide it is time, but that she hopes we have success on our own and don't need it.

I think that's the same sentiment from the other girls. We welcome you here if and when you're ready to be here, but first and foremost, we want you to have success and not need to be here. I don't know what your timeline is going to be like, but if it's going to be a while before you gear up to give it another go, and you don't think you'll fall into 'drive by status' then come on in! No doubt, you have lots of grief to work through right now. My heart goes out to you.

Pardon me for stating my opinion, but I think your first priority right now has to be to the six frosties, your precious polar bears, who are waiting for you. They need you to be strong and ready and hopeful for them! Three months to prepare for a transfer is a long time, but if that is what it takes to give them their best shot, then you need to focus on that. The seven weeks we had our ninja, the one and only blastocyst to come from three egg retrievals, were the best weeks of my year. Even though I had to wait, there was hope. How different things are when that hope is all gone...

So all that to say hugs to you and just keep in mind that no one here is out to get you. We are all fighting the good fight, and at the end of the day, we just want us all to have our babies. In the meantime, we all have to do what we have to do to survive. And if we can help each other out along the way, then that's pretty cool too. Hugs to you all!!

mm29 · May 2014

O2girl said:

Which for me could be another 3-6 months on Lupron to try and suppress my adeno. But I get it. I won't bother you ladies. Like I said before, best wishes to all and sorry for the intrusion.

@O2girl, If you end up needing to take lupron to suppress your adeno, please hang out. It's not about being bothered, we only wish you success. I'm so sorry you are hurt, that was never anyone's intention. People are just pointing out our board rule. I know you have been through a lot, IF is effing hard, and m/c's are very heartbreaking.

It's really hard for me to see people come and go, it hurts when you start feeling left behind, and it's even worse when you feel that you are being left behind on the Vets board. I'm not positive, but I have to be one of the oldest members of this board and I have seen so, so many people move on, and lap me. That's why there is the rule. It's hard to see people come and go quickly, and we know it's not anyone's intention to come and go shortly after joining the group, but it can happen.

Please be good to yourself and please do not take this as us not wanting your here. We would love you to join, but nothing is harder than seeing people come and go so quickly

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