2nd baby fever

silvie25mar · May 2014

my DD is now almost 27 months (hard to believe) and to make the past two years long story short I had a perfect pregnancy, difficutl labor/ emerg C- post partum eclampsia/hypertension and then a late onset (or late admittance) of Post Partum Anxiety. This resulted in a major strain to my relationship most in the last year. During that time I swore I did not want another baby for a LONG time and could not see it happening. Through lots and lots of communication and ups and downs and possibly "the end" my husband and I seemed to have made it through to the other side and have been in a much better place over the past 5 months thanks to me getting therapy and us both admitting our faults. I am now in a place where as more time passes, the more I think about having another baby. Both because I want to and because I would love for DD to have a sibling close to her in age. The both of us have danced around the idea very very lightly and in passing with comments like " when we have another" but I am covered with so many emotions like we just got into a good place... what if it all happens again, there is no way our relationship can go through that again- we will no doubt be over if it does. Actually, the ending of Greys last night fit us perfectly which is why i'm posting this. LOL. I'm terrified that I and we are in such a better place that to go back to that would be devastating. What if I can't handle it again, what if I get overwhelmed, what kind of toll will it take on my relationship. AM I READY? Just looking for some friendly and REAL advice. Hard facts.

thanks.

silvie25mar · May 2014

Thank you so much for your reply. This gives me hope. I've heard it often and from my therapist as well that the next time around I will be that much more prepared in terms of what to expect and any feelings I have that might be similar to before (that I wouldn't admit to then) I will be aware of. So this makes me feel more positive about the situation. It's funny how life works.

ashiscute · May 2014

This might sound odd but in some ways the second is easier because you have an idea of what to expect. Although I forgot A LOT about babies between DD and DS and they were only 19.5 mos apart. I couldn't believe how much I'd forgotten.

But the main thing that made it easier is because when DD was born I felt so isolated. DH went back to work and friends and family stopped stopping by and I was still there as a new mom with this baby I didn't really understand yet. And I caught myself feeling like it was me and her vs DH instead of the 3 of us together. It's not that he didn't help it's just that he could only do so much between working and I BF her exclusively. When DS was born DH pretty much did everything for DD. And was more comfortable with DS. It felt much more like a cohesive family to me. Seeing him work so hard to take care of both kids made me feel like I wasn't the only one with the responsibility and made me more appreciative than I was the first time around. It was a huge difference for us. It's incredible what being more appreciative and less accusing can do for a relationship.

DiveFrog · May 2014

Both DH & I are undecided at this point about a second. We both have a lot of similar fears/concerns to what you have listed.

I did have a traumatic induction/delivery/post partum due to preeclampsia and DD's jaundice. I really don't want to repeat that experience. DD was also an incredibly high needs/difficult baby partly to being 5weeks early and partly just because of her personality. Quite honestly, though the worst period of time for me and for our marriage was after I returned to work when DD was 4 months. When I was home I could manage to keep the sleep deprivation, and my crazy, bitchy attitude toward DH and his "freedom" at bay. I could mentally and emotionally understand and accept that ALL the baby care fell to me because I was the one not working at a "real" job.

Months 4-10 were complete and utter hell for me and DH. I was so sleep deprived, I dreaded going home to DD and DH in the evenings. DH and I luckily toughed it out and I really started to return to my normal self once DD started STTN at 10-11months. Since then DH & I have talked a lot about what we will do differently if we do have another baby.

For me I think the big keys will be 1) I will take off a minimum of 6 months from work. 2) If I have as much difficulty pumping as I did the first time I will be ok supplementing after 3-4months of exclusive nursing so that DH and other family can help with more feedings (especially overnight) and I do not have to be with the baby every single second of the first 6-8months. I have faith that having gone through it once we will be better prepared to recognize the early signs of trouble this time around and try and make changes and adjustments that don't allow things to ever reach the point our relationship did the first time around.

silvie25mar · May 2014

wow. I literally got goosebumps when I read your response DiveFrog. Your timing and description was almost identical to mine minus a few details. I think the consensus is right. Round two can be just as difficult but you know what to expect and the warning signs. I guess none of us will never really know until we try.

hopefulmom81 · May 2014

I just want to give you the other side. I am an only child and loved it. Our DD will 95% likely be an only child for MANY of the reasons that you listed.

I think, for a lot of people, one child isn't even a consideration so they force themselves to have the "ideal" two even if it doesn't fit their circumstances. Granted, it probably always works for them in the end, I just wanted to give you the other side. One child is an EXTREMELY valid choice. You get the joy of being a parent and a little more time to balance your life.

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