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Friend in labor

lexusolsenlexusolsen member
in Late Term and Child Loss
My best friend from college is in labor today. Our due dates were six weeks apart. Tomorrow marks eight weeks since we lost Ben. I'm happy and terrified for her (having lost a healthy child myself) and incredibly jealous. I don't know what to make of it. For once, I'm glad that we are states apart and I can't be a part of this big day because I know I couldn't handle that. I just want our babies to grow up together like we had envisioned. It's just not fair and yet a part of me can't wait to meet my goddaughter either. Grieving sucks.

Any words of wisdom? And thanks for letting me vent.
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Re: Friend in labor

  • BgirmaBgirma member
    I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. I can empathize so I hope sharing some of my experience might be helpful to you.

    A good friend (and co-worker) was due 7 days before me. We both had our sons on 12/25 (just 5 hours apart). He is also my godson. I couldn't even talk to her for two months. My husband sent her messages from me- to let her know that I was thinking about her, was happy for her, etc but it was just too painful to see or talk to her for awhile. When I finally reached out, I asked to see her alone so she came over for lunch- it was emotional but it happened on my terms and when I was ready which made it much easier for me.

    I finally met her son around 3 months- I waited until I was ready and felt excited to meet him but it was still incredibly difficult. Now, at almost 5 months out from our loss, I love holding my godson and spending time with him but it's still hard at times because of how much I miss my son. I have come to appreciate that he reminds me of my baby- it's painful but makes me happy at the same time.

    I guess my only advice is to take your time and honor how you feel. In those first few months I felt like I never wanted to meet her son. My friend and husband were both really supportive and patient so I was able to take steps on my terms.

    I hope this helps a little bit. I know this is so difficult so I'll be thinking about you.
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  • lexusolsenlexusolsen member
    Thank you for sharing. This morning looking at pictures on fb was a little easier. The conflicting emotions are the hardest part. I am do happy for them and she is beautiful but she is a reminder that my son is gone and that the two of them won't be friends like we envisioned.

    I texted with her last night and let her know that I am so happy for them but that this is incredibly hard for me. I guess I'm lucky that she is finishing her doctorate in pyschology, she already anticipated this. She said she knew it would be but that she also knew there was no way to shelter me from this pain.

    Earlier this week I had been trying to figure out when I could visit. I think I'm going to wait. I know that holding her for the first time will be hard and that watching her grow up will be bittersweet but I'm determined not to let my grief cost me this friendship.
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  • BgirmaBgirma member
    I am so glad that your friend is understanding and supportive. I completely understand the conflicting emotions. I felt very similiarly- I was so happy for her but felt sadness, jealousy and even anger at some points. I felt so guilty for feeling those things but eventually I realized that I had to accept how I feel and where I am in the grieving process.

    Her son is truly a gift in my life but it took some time for me to realize that. I'm glad that I waited to meet him until I was ready- I was still nervous and it was still emotional but it was a really beautiful moment for me.

    Please take the time you need. I'll be thinking about you.
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  • bunnybun4bunnybun4 member

    I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. 

    My SIL had twins a month before our daughter was due.  It was REALLY hard at first.  The day they were born was one of the toughest days of my grieving...I was really happy for them but my heart was broken and I was angry at our situation.  I thought I would be able to go to the hospital but thank god my DH suggested we not go.  I prob. didn't meet them until they were 2-3 months and it was definitely the right thing to do in my situation.

    I feel as time goes on it gets a lot easier.  I can be around them most days with no problem at all.  At first I would have really tough days around them (their baptism, etc.) but now it has kind of become normal.  Of course, the thought always runs through my mind that their should be 3 babies but it is a managable thought.

    Just give yourself time and space.  Assure your friend that you are happy for her but just not ready if you aren't ready to see the baby.  When you do see the baby I suggest you meeting your friend in private so that if you have an emotional moment you can just have it.

    so sorry...I know how hard it is and it sucks.  ((big hugs))

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