Divorced family - should we invite the other half?

Manada · May 2014

We have been lucky to have been offered two baby showers: one will be a family one hosted by my sister and my mom at my Mom's place (casual BBQ with mostly aunts and cousins and a few local friends) - and another, more traditional one, hosted by good friends in our city that's meant to be mostly for our friends and local people.

My parents were divorced when I was small, but I am still close to my paternal grandmother and attend family events for that side. They live about 4 hours away from me (and 2.5 hours from my mother). There are 8-10 people on that side of the family who would be logical to invite.

My mom offered to invite that side, but I think she was really only thinking it would be one or two people (ie. my grandma and an aunt) -- but I am not sure, when I was talking to her today she mentioned she forgot about the other cousins and aunt....

The party at my mom's place is also going to be super casual, a BBQ and hanging out --- there aren't even formal invites, the family is close so my aunts are pretty much all in it together because they're so excited.

. They are just calling their kids and family friends to tell them about it ... It's totally how things get done among them.

I am hesitating to invite the other side of the family because I am worried it would be a bit awkward for them, AND because the showers that side tends to throw are way more formal and traditional. I don't want to offend them with such a casual celebration, but this format is also perfect for the type of celebrations my Mom's family has.

I feel like it would be rude not to invite them though.... The other option would be to invite them to the more traditional one that's further away, but it might be strange with it mostly being our local friends there....

What do you think?

VOR · May 2014

Manada said:

AND because the showers that side tends to throw are way more formal and traditional. I don't want to offend them with such a casual celebration,

O.k.- if a "casual celebration" is offensive.... oy. That almost leaves me speechless.

Of the 2 showers, the casual one seems the more appropriate one. And makes more sense as it's closer.

That being said- there is no obligation to invite them. THEY have the ability to throw a small shower themselves too!

Manada · May 2014

VOR said:

O.k.- if a "casual celebration" is offensive.... oy. That almost leaves me speechless.

Haha - Fair. I am not offended by it in any way, and in fact, I'm pretty excited for the whole thing. I just know that it's considered rude or a faux pas to some people not to make a shower-type event more formal and have printed invitations and a more traditional format (I have lurked this board for awhile!).

There WILL be thank you cards, real ones that are mailed - and that we will address ourselves -- but other than that, the way my family does things is just to get together amongst themselves via phone, make it happen, and spread the word by mouth usually. My guess is that there will be some emails exchanged amongst people about details or which aunt is bringing the potato salad, but that's about it.

That sort of get-together is just SO out of left-field for my father's side of the family, especially for a baby shower (or other life event-type thing) - that I don't want to offend their more formal tastes by the informal nature of the event. And I worry that they will think us/my family rude if they don't get a mailed invite or if it's less traditional. Does that make sense?

dufferoo · May 2014

On one hand, I'm not a big fan of the attitude that if anyone dare want to attend a shower for you, they better darn well host their own- I mean, family members aren't even traditionally supposed to throw showers in the first place! Yeah, everyone does it, but your dad's side certainly isn't doing anything wrong by NOT hosting... But on the other hand, in the case of a divorce, I imagine it's kind of awkward to have one side hosting the other for any kind of event... At the end of the day, though, you only mention being close with your paternal grandmother, so why not just send her a courtesy invite to one of the showers and let her decide if she'd like to attend or not? You don't have to invite every last aunt and cousin you can think of.

ArgyleBride · May 2014

I am torn. Invite would seem obvious, but if they truly would be offended by an informal gathering...I'm surprised that's a thing. Based on what you've said, I lean toward invite to the close-by, family shower. But you know your family best.

EastCoastBride · May 2014

Manada said:

I don't want to offend their more formal tastes by the informal nature of the event. And I worry that they will think us/my family rude if they don't get a mailed invite or if it's less traditional. Does that make sense?

But they aren't hosting. They want formal? Then THEY can step up and host. It's honestly rude of THEM to be "offended" over the formality of a party when they are simply guests at the party.

Yes, "it makes sense" that this is how they are and what they are used to. But it doesn't make sense to try and kowtow to this. They want a formal shower? Then they can throw a formal shower. OR they can decline the invitation if they will be "oh so offended" over it.

neverblushed · May 2014

I agree that you don't have to invite every female relative on your dad's side of the family.

Since your mom and her former MIL are still on speaking terms, and your mom is planning something very casual, why not just have your mom call your grandmother and explain what the shower will be like and find out which of dad's side might want to come?

Since there's no formal invite happening anyway, just have your mom issue a general invite to grandma and let grandma decide if there are any other female relatives who would really like to attend and get back to your mom. If grandma's side is turned off by the idea of a low-key shower, they just won't come, which will be fine. Problem solved.

Ceridwen21 · May 2014

Isn't the decision up to your mom since she is hosting it at her home? Sorry if I missed something...

Divorced family - should we invite the other half?

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