How do you talk about raising twins vs. singletons (or parenting philosophies?)... (long)

Manada · May 2014

... without it becoming a battle of wits or a discussion where one of you feels like the other is judging?

This has been one of our newest developments as we are discussing raising twins, and everyone seems to have an opinion on the best way to raise babies.   Luckily for us, for the most part, both H and I's parents are pretty open-minded, and on the same page with us about our ideals and philosophies. This surprises me about my mom a bit, but I guess it's not surprising, considering most of my "baby" experience is based in being a decade older than my younger siblings.

But - for example - we have recently been getting into "debates" with a friend who is currently TTC, and who is one of our support people.   Her profession is in prenatal and neonatal care - so in her work she talks to people a lot about baby things and part of her job is to provide support to new parents. She also has some fairly strong attachment-parenting type beliefs and plans to raise her own kid bed-sharing, and doing lots of baby-wearing, etc...

Honestly - when we were planning a singleton, I was WAY more leaning toward the same ideals.   H. and I had talked about co-sleeping, and I had a very laid-back idea of myself as a parent.   Since we learned we were having twins this has changed DRAMATICALLY.

Part of this is because I want to make sure that H. and I maintain the super strong, awesome relationship we have forged through the IF challenges, and I'm concerned that caring for two babies could get in the way of that if we don't make caring for ourselves as a couple a priority, and part of it is my own self-knowledge that I need to feel really organized (or attempt to feel it) - to have a hope of not getting overwhelmed by caring for two babies and a bit lost/depressed/anxious (as is what happens when I start to feel too out of control).

So, I've been researching feeding schedules, and ways to support babies in developing good sleep habits, as well as ways to get twins on the same schedule both for their own benefit/security/comfort in a routine, as well as our emotional/physical/sleeping health.   I still hope we will baby wear when we go out, but my dreams of bed-sharing are gone in the hopes that we can get the twins sleeping in their own room comfortably once the newborn stage is past, just so H. and I can have some time.

I'm finding this is a challenging topic though that comes up, and I really DO want to discuss ways of parenting, and different techniques and approaches with other people --- but I'm finding that (well, this one friend in particular -- but I sense it will come up again with others) is I'm getting lots of "Oh it's WAY better if you just do it this way" and "Your babies will be alone screaming in their rooms feeling abandoned and you'll never learn their individual cues!" in response, which makes me feel both angry, defensive, and like crying because I feel like Yeah, totally, if we were having one baby - we could just wake up when that baby wakes up and balance our lives with just that one, but from my reading - with two, if you don't do SOMETHING to help make it easier, just the rotating feeding and diaper changing needs will take over our whole days and we'll ahve no time for ourselves, each other, or even to enjoy the little ones.

okay. rant over. This has been stuck in my chest for a couple of weeks I guess.       But how do you handle it when you have these conversations with others?   How can you make it work without it becoming a "bad parent" type of judgement for anyone?

2brides · May 2014

People have strong thoughts about parenting regardless of whether you are having one or four. :P I would just listen to whatever people say and move on. No need to debate them or engage them in a discussion, because in the end only the two of you are going to decide what is best for your family. Of if you choose to discuss, I'd say, "This is all great information! We'll see what we do when A&B get here!"

And what you think now, may or may not change when the babies get here (ie. I said unequivocally that everyone had their own bed and will sleep in their own bed....until I had a child who woke screaming every night..multiple times a night...and ended up sleeping in our bed for 3.5y so I could sleep more than 2 consecutive hrs and function at work. But the caveat was that he went to bed in his own bed at the outset. Not to say that your philosophies/plans will change - we've stuck to our plans on most things - but you ever know.

Really this is just the beginning of people offering their unsolicited advice..even now people give us the side eye for things, offer us advice (I have a co-worker who has 25y old twins who will.not.stop. telling me how she did things and how it was the best thing.) But we know our kids best (as you will yours) and have the prerogative of calling the shots.

Manada · May 2014

Thanks @2brides

H. and I have been chatting briefly about this today (she's currently working from home and trying not to bump during her workday -- and she has also pointed out to me that part of it is that we're also falling victim to using some language that triggers intense reactions in other people (ie. anything that has to do with sleeping and schedules seems to trigger a knee-jerk "SLEEP TRAINING AND CRYING IT OUT IS CHILD ABUSE!" reaction) -- rather than talking about it in such a way that basically says "We're exploring, we will get to know our babies when they come, but our goals are to parent in such a way that we include our kids as part of our family unit, where everyone in the family gets equal priority in terms of having their needs met and making room for fun".

But, like you've said as well - we also know the plans will change when the babies get here.... as they say - you're always the best parent before you actually have children

Going to have to stop engaging in those discussions though.... or set some boundaries when I feel like it gets into hurtful zones.... I'm just hoping we can find people who support us in whatever we decide when the time comes, and we don't have to deal with challenges left and right.

2momsinCA · May 2014

Its awesome you asked such a thoughtful question... K and I wonder about similar things, but we don't have a neonatal nurse as part of our close circle of friends. In fact many of our close friends don't even have children so we haven't been subject to a ton of advice/warnings/etc. Of my friends who do have kids they often begin to say, "Just wait and see, this is what you will want to do when this happens... but nevermind, you're having twins so it will probably be totally different." It feels like the whole twin thing has actually put a lid on a lot of of the "advice" as soon as it gets going. The few times I've gotten actual unsolicited advice speeches, usually from co-workers who are moms, I try to stay as (visibly) receptive as possible though I feel it grate my nerves- my typical response is "We will see when they get here!" I can't engage it because I feel so strongly that our experience will be whatever it ends up being, not guided by random "experts."

As for the sleeping and scheduling situation. Having twins completely changes all best laid plans. We had settled on the arms reach co-sleeper even when we thought we would just have a singleton. As for what happens next after they outgrow the co-sleeper- we have no clue but we will try anything, as I think preserving our own sanity despite sleep deprivation will be a priority. Every twin book we read and I'm sure you've read too recommends the necessity of a feeding schedule and we will do our best to get that implemented and stay structured. I recognize that I might not be able to exclusively breast feed, I will be pumping a lot. Formula may even be involved (shutter). We've let go of those feeding ideals. However, we plan to baby wear as often as possible, both of us.

My initial and constant feeling toward the twins is that even though this is going to be a difficult path, K and I are on that path together and we actually have to share the responsibilities more equitably. With two we will both have a baby to hold and cuddle and wear and change at any given moment. That being said I more than ever value my super strong bond and intimacy with K as it sounds you do with H. And that bond and desire to retain some sense of that intimacy (along with sanity) I think makes the scheduling and the sleeping arrangements all that more important. I have no doubt that you and H will make the very best choices for you and your babies- they will be loved and adored but its your family and your choices, no one else's.

Manada · May 2014

@2momsinCA -- YES!. Thank you for your response. We actually got Rock n Plays instead of the co-sleeper for the first little while when they'll be in our room - but yeah, much of what you said totally reflects what I've been reading and what we've been discussing....

2momsinCA · May 2014

Rock n plays! Aside from the co-sleeper they were priority number 1! From all I've heard, the babies may be living in them for the first few months of life. We will see if that co-sleeper even gets any use.

JGY · May 2014

@manada I think you are going at it totally the right way. I find that often when I am craving information, or even opinion, but don't want to have to deal with the reaction if I don't agree, the best thing to do is to just read about it. It's so tricky, isn't it? Because we crave the opinions of those close to us; we want to talk through parenting choices like we would anything else, with our friends and loved ones. But the pressure to "Take" the advice is so huge. And often the person giving that advice doesn't really have the applicable experience to substantiate the advice they're offering.

Many PP have written important things. You don't have to implement advice, you can simply listen and say thanks. And then go out and do your own research, decide what is going to be ideal for your family, and then work towards that and adjust as you get to know your babies and your family and your true needs.

One thing I've found helpful when I do want to solicit imput from friends/family, is to start the conversation by saying "We're still deciding how we want to approach X,Y.Z, and I've gotten some really good advice already, but I'm curious what your opinion is." That way you've set them up to understand that you value their input, but have also sought out advice from others and additionally have some of your own ideas already formulated. Maybe that's helpful?

No matter what you decide on any one thing, you guys will be rockstar parents. You won't make the right decision every time, but that's parenting. Those are some lucky babes coming into this world!

AmandaG47 · May 2014

I also wanted to jump on here just to support and say I can really relate to a lot of what you have said. We have a close family member who had a baby a little before us and we sat through many conversations where this person gave a lot of strong opinions on parenting with phrases like "when you have a baby, you need to..." We just nodded and said some non-committal replies like "we will have I consider that." It really frustrated me then, but now that thy are here, and I see our choices working for our family, it is much less of an issue.

Similar to what you are saying, we also decided to implement a little more "structure" into our life with the girls than most of our peers with singletons. For us, it has worked wonderfully and I think it has kept us grounded. We use co-sleepers and do plan to transition the girls into cribs in a couples months (probably between 4-6 months) and we have a bedtime routine/bedtime. In fact, after we put them down to sleep (at the same time) is one of the few times we can connect because when we are together we each have a baby, and almost always one really needs our attention. We also baby wear whenever we go out with the two o us and have a rockin double stroller for when there is only one

Not saying you will have the same experience at all, I guess I'm just trying to say I truly think the experience of parenting infant multiples is unique with unique challenges, so altering your choices to best suit your entire family (both parents included) is rational and healthy.

Maybe we can have a multiples conversation sometime so you can connect to parents facing some of the same challenges (of course that's what the multiples board is for but I like it over here ☺)

2brides · May 2014

there is a LGBT multiples board on Facebook that is quite busy. There are both current parents of multiples and parents pregnant with multiples. If you PM me your e-mail, I can invite you!

mwagner25 · May 2014

I Just wanted to say we share the same issues/concerns you raise when we are talking to others about raising Oliver or parenting advice. I honestly don't even understand why parenting has to be so bipolar and with so many hot button topics (sleep training, circumcision, starting solids). What is right for one family may or may not be right for another. I wish we could just support each other in decisions for our family rather than suggest that any one way is the right way and the other is wrong and often verbalized as abusive. I am just glad that this board is supportive compared to so many others. Anyways....

healz413 · May 2014

Thanks, everyone!

We actually went to an info session for the Toronto Parents of Multiple Births Association on Thursday evening and it was really nice because it affirmed a lot of the things we've been reading/thinking and that parents of multiples on this board have shared.

Also, @AmandaG47, within a few months, we'll have so many parents of multiples on this board!

Pinkspark · May 2014

AmandaG47 said:

I guess I'm just trying to say I truly think the experience of parenting infant multiples is unique with unique challenges, so altering your choices to best suit your entire family (both parents included) is rational and healthy.

Maybe we can have a multiples conversation sometime so you can connect to parents facing some of the same challenges (of course that's what the multiples board is for but I like it over here ☺)

I take advice with a grain of salt- people have different lifestyles and situations. What works for one family won't work for another. Everyone before me has made some great points, so I don't have much new nuggets of info to share.. but I will say that while people with singletons have given me advice- most of it doesn't apply to how we handle the twins. I just smile, and thank them for sharing the info.

I also think we should make a multiples check in on here! Not to say the multiples board isn't nice- but I like it over here too, and so many of us have/are having multiples!

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How do you talk about raising twins vs. singletons (or parenting philosophies?)... (long)

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